Owner: News & Musings URL:http://stevenallen.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2007 10:39:44 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: News from radio presenter and stand-up comedian Steve Allen Site statistics:Click here
ASDA Deal Or No Deal 2007-03-18 22:55:00 I know it's a bit blurred but have a look at the offer on Angel Delight. I saw this when I was shopping in the Crawley branch.One for 40p or......any 2 for 80p!Well, hold the ****ing front page, steady on with the deal there ASDA.
Allotment to Bond With Kids 2007-03-18 22:51:00 Fathers should be encouraged to bond with their children by working together on an allotment. Education Secretary, Alan Johnson, said that as part of the Government's new parenting strategy.Did the guy not read about Fred West? Read more:Allotment
Jordan is Celebrity Mum of the Year 2007-03-18 22:48:00 Katie Price has been voted Celebrity
Mum of the Year. Now, I'm not going to say nasty things about Jordan
, I'm sure she's a great mum.She beat Victoria Beckham and Jade Goody to the title. But you'd expect her to. I mean, if you get beaten by a size zero who's never in the same country two days in a row, or a the world's most famous racist, then you're really not a good mum.She has two sons and is expecting another baby with her husband Peter Andre. The reason I think she's a great mum is she is the only woman who can breastfeed and still give it that taste of plastic.
OAP Sex 4 Free 2007-03-18 22:48:00 A brothel in Germany hopes to capitalise on the growing number of pensioners by offering them a 50 percent discount for sex in the afternoon.Could you imagine that here? Richard and Judy would lose half their audience. Then again, Richard wouldn't be in the studio as he'd be out getting the deal. And for that matter Judy wouldn't be in the studio as she'd be making some extra cash.The "Pascha" in the western city of Cologne has introduced reduced rates for sex sessions for clients aged 66 and above, provided they can prove they are old enough.Oh, I think you'd be able to tell.And also, who in their right mind would dress up in a grey wig and walking cane and have to fake a near heart attack during the sex just to get some money off?"Life begins at 66!" it says in an advert for its "senior citizens afternoon" next to a picture of a motorcycle rider.Make it a motorbility scooter, and we're talking.
Sat Nav Danger 2007-03-17 10:03:00 Road safety group Brake says Sat Nav
devices on-screen maps should be banned and drivers made to rely on their verbal directions only.But that would be just like having your partner reading a map, and you all know how well that goes. You'll end up rowing with the woman on your Sat Nav.I think the bigger problem with Sat Nav is people taking what it says as gospel. Yesterday there were pictures in the papers of a £96,000 Mercedes submerged at a flooded ford after the driver drove it in there because her Sat Nav told her to.Do you remember at school when you got told off, the teacher would say, "Why did you do that?"And you would say, "Because he told me to."And the teacher would come back with, "Well, if he told you to jump off a bridge, would you?"Apparently it's a yes, if his name is Tom Tom. Read more:Danger
Sweet Indian Police 2007-03-16 17:58:00 Police in India are to get uniforms impregnated with the scent of flowers in a bid to improve their public image.Will it really help their image to be seen running down the street, arms flailing, screaming, "Oooooh, a wasp!" Read more:Sweet
, Police
Angelina Adopts No More 2007-03-16 17:47:00 Angelina has adopted a 3-year-old boy from Vietnam. She has called him Pax Thien which means peaceful sky.People have been wondering if she'll keep adopting more children after this, but I think she'll have to stop soon.She'll simply run out of silly names.She's already got 5-year-old Maddox, 2-year-old Zahara and her biological daughter Shiloh.And don't forget most of the other good silly names have already been nabbed by Gwyneth Palrow.If she keeps going, she'll be scraping the barrel.Interviewer: So Angelina, we hear you're adopting again. What are you going to call it?Angie: Erm... well... no, I've used that, er... no the Geldofs had that one... erm, I'm going to call it, Sponge Bob Square Jolie. Read more:Angelina
Blue Peter Phone-In Scandal 2007-03-15 13:20:00 Blue Peter
has apologised to viewers for faking the results of a phone-in competition. It's become the latest in a list of programmes caught up in this kind of scandal.Richard and Judy kept on milking viewers even after lines had closed, the BBC got people to call a cookery show that had been recorded weeks before, ITV Play is crap, and now nearly 13,000 children entered a Blue Peter contest, calls were taken, but details were not passed on to the shows producers due to a technical failure. So instead a member of the production team asked a girl who was visiting the studio to pose as the winning contestant.Do you remember the good old days when premium rate phone lines just meant sex-chat lines (and some of them were called 'Blue Peter')?There was no pretence with Gay Exchange (which I always thought was like Exchange and Mart but in a different way). They didn't ask you any impossible or tricky question, other than, "So what's your name, big boy?"There was no con to those line Read more:Scandal
Posh Queen of Bel Air 2007-03-14 17:24:00 It seems the Beckhams will be moving into a new fancy place in Bel Air
that used to be owned by Meg Ryan. And Meg Ryan loved it, but then she had an orgasm over a cup of coffee in When Harry Met Sally, so she's easily pleased.But it struck me, Victoria is now the Posh Queen
, like Will Smith was the Fresh Prince. She'll have 'a story all about how her life got flipped turned upside down'.If that's a sit-com you think you'd watch, have a listen here...www.supload.com/listen?s=SYR_-b5pyikOr listen to it here (if this new thing works).
Could Cash Be History 2007-03-14 16:59:00 The boss of Visa thinks the UK will be a cashless society by 2012. Yet again, I'm ahead of the rest as I think I'll be out of cash in about two weeks.But the Visa boss says he predicts everyone will see credit cards and debit cards as more convenient than notes and coins. Really? I think there'll be some uses for cash that we'll always need.There are some things you don't need cash for, like you don't raid the piggy bank to sort out your home insurance or fill your wallet from your remortgages. But are you really going to stop and wait as the Big Issue seller swipes you credit card (not in that way) and you type in your pin?And they'll have to revamp wishing wells with a Chip n PIN machine.It'll just mean we need more debt advice in the country. If you don't actually see a coin or a note it doesn't really feel like you're spending money.It's said cash could increasingly be a thing of the past with the proposed introduction pre-paid touch cards. They would be used to b Read more:History
Kate's Breasts Factor 2007-03-14 16:24:00 Former X Factor judge Louis Walsh has revealed he has seen Kate Thornton's boobs and says, "They're her own."How does he know they're really hers just by looking at them? Did they have her name written on them?In that case Louis, they're not her boobs, they were a box of chocolates.
Church Wants Boys 2007-03-13 22:42:00 Charlotte Church
has said she wants to have a baby boy.I haven't heard a pop star say that since I saw Garry Glitter's MySpace page.Thankfully she doesn't mean like that. She's rumoured to be thinking up names for her future child. She's thinking Robin for a boy, and Emma or Kiki for a girl.Wow, she can remember the names of her as yet un-conceived kids, but give her a cheeky vimto and she can't remember her own.
Most Brits Obese in 25 Years 2007-03-13 17:01:00 We all know we Brits
are eating too much. It's not our fault, with only 5 terrestrial channels and most of them filled with celebrity chefs, we can't help but eat.Scientists now say most people in Britain will be obese within 25 years.Am I the only one who can see this for what it is, a great thing?In 25 years most people will be fat, so I'll go on a diet and I'll pull loads because I'll be so much sexier than every other fat bloater who's making a play for the same girl.In a future of fat people no longer will you feel self-conscious when you go down the gym. Sure, you have a bit of cellulite, but everyone else there spreads more lard on their chips than you have on your ass.A UK filled will fatties will be great for the rest of us. Just as long as you don't have to use public transport though, as the other people will take up so much room you'll be in the glove box. Read more:Obese
, Years
Red Noses Banned from Fame Academy 2007-03-13 16:41:00 [aka having a go at Tara Palmer-Tomkinson]Health and Safety chiefs have banned guests at Comic Relief Does Fame Academy
for wearing red noses.At first I thought it was because they have Tara Palmer-Tomkinson there, and she might use the red nose as a great place to stash her cocaine. But no, apparently it's because they may be a fire hazard.I don't see how a plastic nose is likely to start a fire. We all know fire is started by two thin twigs rubbing together, so they really should ban Tara Palmer-Tomkinson from dancing.The reason they're being strict is because filming takes place in a Grade II listed building and any potential fire hazards or items that might cause damage are banned. Items not allowed in the studio include newspapers, bottles and bags.Bags? But they let Tara Palmer-Tomkinson in there. Read more:Banned
King Charles The Genius 2007-03-11 11:58:00 In the Express today Prince Charles
has said he'll stop 'meddling' when he becomes king.It all becomes clear now. He's just been an interfering know-it-all so that now we want him to become king so it will all stop. That's a genius plan, and probably the only way he could get the UK to want him to rule us. Anything to stop him going on about organic crops and that car he's got that runs on oily skin or whatever.I wonder if he bored the plants he talks to that much?But now I'm wise to this kind of plan I'm noticing a few more things. I think James Blunt will try to be Prime Minister. Given a choice between voting for him or having him carry on singing like a starving mental patient, what would you do? David Cameron doesn't stand a chance.
Traffic Light Food Label Video 2007-03-10 01:10:00 There are plans to make all foods have a traffic light label system (read more about it here), and here's what I think, in video firm.Traffic Light Food Label
s - The best home videos are here
BrainTeaser Con 2007-03-09 19:05:00 Another premium rate con has come to light. Channel 5's Brainteaser quiz apparently cheated by making up the names of winners.I think there's a bigger con at play here. It's a trade's descriptions issue. Because there is no way any of the questions on Brainteaser are actually brainteasers.Like the one where you basically have to rearrange the words 'washdisher' into the name of a household item.If your brain is actually teased by that question you don't have then mental acuity to actually make a phonecall, so don't worry yourself about the scam.
Natasha Bedingfield Pregnancy 2007-03-09 18:43:00 Natasha Bedingfield has proved that being toothy and whining can beat having a fit body, because her new music video is all about how she can't find a man to be the father of her child.As in, she can't find a man to get her pregnant, not one of those "here's you new dad" ones.She's making mistakes all over the shop. The single is called 'I Wanna Have Your Babies'. Well I guarantee that will make most men run a mile. Trynig something more along the lines of "I Wanna Stip Off Loads" and you'll get more men interested that way.In the vid hits the gym, a park, a nightclub and a tennis court, all without meeting Mr Right. It can't be that tricky Natasha. All you have to do is start smoking, get your ear pierced and drink cider. That was enough to help most of the girls in my old school get knocked up.But the video has a happy ending as she finally hooks up with the ideal dad who’s working behind the counter of a coffee shop.You might as well go to a sperm bank as try to get Read more:Natasha
, Pregnancy
To PrePay Or Not To PrePay 2007-03-09 01:48:00 Channel Five has joined 4 and ITV in putting a hold on their text-in and phone-in shows after worries they're all pretty much scams.You know the really worrying thing about this, is not just how much money these shows have fiddled out of us, but the average age of the people voting.You see, in a normal election it's always the old bores who vote, but when the flashing lights of telly are involved it's the kids who spend their credit on weather a screamer like Leonna should win.But can you imagine if those kids had contract phones? ITV's shared would be through the roof, and every family would be on the breadline. The big TV companies have worked out a way to get money straight from you to them via your kids.So I say, put the kids on some sort of pre-paid cell phones deal, don't let them have too much credit, and then you'll still be able to call them if you need them but they won't spend loads on voting for the new Big Brother loser.Indeed that's the perfect gift for some nie
Liz Hurley Pregnancy 2007-03-08 19:13:00 The newspapers are asking questions about newly married Liz Hurley
.So am I. I'm asking, "Why didn't she marry me? What's the multi-millionaire got that I haven't?"But the question they've asked is 'is she pregnant' because she has a little tummy. (Click the picture to see better.)What! I've got a much bigger belly than her, and I'm not having quads, so I really don't think she is.You need to consider the fact that she's currently in India continuing the wedding celebrations. So she's in the land of hot spicy curry food, and she's celebrating, and therefore eating more.We'd all have a belly like that. But let the newspapers dream.In fact they'll be convinced she's giving birth when they hear her in the bathroom tomorrow morning breathing heavily, screaming and shouting, "Oh god. Get it out! Read more:Pregnancy
, Liz Hurley
Texts Crackdown 2007-03-07 11:09:00 The Home Secretary's John Reid announced a tough new crackdown on illegal immigrants. It's claimed reminders will be texted to the mobile phones of people whose visas are about to run out. Yep, that'll get 'um. If you have someone who's planning on staying illegally and setting up a life for themselves here, and then "beep beep", I'm sure they'll just pack up and move back.Why not use this system to stop more crimes. When people leave prison wait a while and send them a text, "Beep beep: Hey, don't go doing no murders now!"Or they could send text out to young ASBO people telling them "Hey, don't go nicking phones." And they'd know they got it to the right people, because they'd just send the text to middleclass folk who used to own that phone till about 5 minutes before. Read more:Crackdown
Super Shirt 2007-03-06 12:36:00 An anti stain shirt has gone on sale at a UK supermarket today. It is made of non-stick Permatech Cotton. The makers say you can throw anything at it including coffee, tea, and red wine without leaving a stain. It costs £14.Bill Clinton has just ordered a bulk shipment. Read more:Super
, Shirt
Dancing On Thin Ice 2007-03-06 12:31:00 After a series of errors across the television industry, ITV has suspended all on-air quizzes, contests and votes that use premium-rate phone lines.And thank god. Things like ITV Play were winding me right up. At least normal TV shows just have adverts asking you to buy things, and that way you get something for your money. But this quiz TV stuff was just asking for your money directly.I can't even believe you had to pay to vote on the X Factor. I mean, I'd have paid money if I could have made sure no one won, but no, we had to pay twice; once with money to vote and once with our souls when we had to listen to Leonna's single.Now ITV boss Michael Grade has launched an inquiry into all phone-in's and competitions and votes over the past 2 years.Next weekend's instalment of reality show "Dancing
on Ice" must pass a phone-in check before it goes back on air. Could you imagine a world where we have to go back to making TV shows that are actually written, produced and made to be e Read more:Thin Ice
Billie Piper Naked Fear 2007-03-06 12:16:00 Billie Piper is being pressured to spice up her new stage show by stripping off, but she fears she’ll look a "t*t".Well, hopefully two, if it goes well.I don't know why people keep wanting nudity in plays. I went to see The Graduate when Amanda Donohoe was the one stripping down to her bifta, and you know what, it was too small.That's not the size of her bifta, but the moment was small, and you didn't get chance to see a thing. And that's fine because you're out seeing a play, it's like if you saw someone naked in the street, you wouldn't have a good look in case people see you doing it.And lets be honest, with the price of theatre tickets these days most of us will be watching the play from the upper circle. From there you don't know if it's a naked Billie Piper or just Billie in an Arran jumped with an odd placed stain.It's a popular thing at the moment because the guy who plays Harry Potter is in a play where he strips off. I thought it would ruin a good play but acc Read more:Billie
, Billie Piper
Unemployed to Get Free Haircuts 2007-03-06 11:13:00 I loved this story. Welfare reforms were unveiled by Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, including practical help for long-term job seekers like free suits, haircuts and tattoo removal for interviews.So the next time you have to go and pay for a haircut, and buy a new suit, just think how much money you could save by not having a job.But the thing I like about this is that it could turn society upside down. Soon the only people who will be able to dress like Goths will be the people with good jobs, and the unemployed rebels will all look like middle-management in ASDA with a nice haircut and smart suit.I mean, judges have always had a very odd hairdo, but soon all authority will have long locks and "I heart Satan" on their forehead. And it's going to be really odd being mugged by someone who is dressed better than you. Read more:Unemployed
, Haircuts
Making Your Mind Up (That It Was Mimed) 2007-03-21 09:21:00 According to the Mirror, Eurovision Song Contest bosses have rapped the BBC for misleading viewers in the “Making Your Mind Up” competition at the weekend.They claim the BBC broke the rules by not letting viewers know that the winners, Scooch, had two hidden backing singers offstage.The band had backing singing who were off-stage because they were in their 40s and didn't look the part.I think that's terrible, that you would hide someone who can sing just because they're a bit of an uggo. If that were to happen in the rest of music no Westlife fan would know what Brian McFadden looks like.Although I do see the irony that they give ugly people a microphone but don't let them be seen, and I work on radio. Cheers.
Heather Mills Is Great 2007-03-22 19:03:00 Nearly twenty-two million viewers tuned in to see the first episode of Dancing With The Stars with HeatherMills
in it. The viewing figures were the show's best ever for an opening night.And a lot of commentators have said they've been impressed with her ability to dance. She finished her first set off with a high kick.Well, she's very good at getting her leg above her head. But she does have to un-strap it first. Read more:Great
, Heather Mills
Government's Gas Attack On Own Tube 2007-03-25 12:34:00 Tests began to see how potentially toxic substances would spread if used by terrorists on the Tube. The Government
trial was held at St John's Wood station on London Underground's Jubilee line.Scientists released a harmless gas to see how fast it would spread.I think we already know that, because we've all been on a crowded tube when inconsiderate swine lets one rip. You're being pressed against the glass when you notice people at the end of the carriage looking upset. Then people nearer start to cough. People even nearer waft their Evening Standards, and you think: "What the hell is their proble… ooh, beefy!"The scientists say they're using sulphur hexafluoride. For all we know that's the chemical formula for fart.So the results of this test will show that the Tube travellers will react to sarin gas in the same way they'd respond to an underground wind-breaker. They'll just keep reading their paper and tut when the terrorist gets off.
RAF Strip 2007-03-30 00:14:00 The Royal Air Force are more used to launching planes, but now they're launching a new bikini.The costume, with a pink and blue version of the RAF roundel, is part of a 50-item clothing line.The RAF bikini is like a normal bikini, but the bottom bit is called 'the cockpit'. Read more:Strip
England Win 2007-03-30 00:13:00 The nation doesn't seem over the moon about England
's football win over Andorra, 3-1.It's understandable. Most people didn't even know Andorra was a country. They thought England was playing a game against a jumper.It's hard to boast when you have victory over a country you can't find on a map. And that's why the war won't end well for George W Bush.
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