Owner: News & Musings URL:http://stevenallen.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2007 10:39:44 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: News from radio presenter and stand-up comedian Steve Allen Site statistics:Click here
Jade's Mum Is Cheat 2007-04-01 19:42:00 Big Brother star Jade Goody has sensationally admitted her mum illegally pocketed thousands of pounds in welfare benefits while earning thousands more on TV shows.Apparently her mum, Jackiey, should've put her hand up and admitted it. But is seems to be stuck in her pocket. Read more:Cheat
BBC NudeReaders 2007-04-07 15:14:00 Here's my favourite story, from The Times today:"Viewers hoping for a quiet night in watching the Ten O'Clock News had a shock when they were switched to a pornography channel.Instead of being treated to the latest reports about West Indies v Australia in the cricket, households saw pictures of a lesbian orgy and a naked woman dancing in a wood."You've got to feel sorry for the people who switched over half way through and didn't realise. "That George Alagiah is a bit under dressed today. And is that Fiona Bruce? She'll never read the headlines with that in her mouth."
Jordan Makes Peter Wear a Fake Stomach 2007-04-18 10:48:00 Jordan's forcing Peter
Andre to wear a false stomach so he knows what pregnancy feels like.She's got him to wear the 30 Ib "empathy belly" so he knows what she’s having to put up with, with her third child on the way.He doesn't have a clue what she's going through. To really get it, he'd have to wear 30lbs empathy boobs. Read more:Jordan
, Stomach
Hi-Tech Train Toilet Is A Wash Out 2007-04-18 10:21:00 I used to travel anywhere by train, and now I really miss it, and here's why.Virgin Train
s chiefs admitted they were having to refit its £600m fleet of tilting trains because of problems with their ambitious toilets.These loos were the future of public transport urination. Kind of Star Trek style wee-wees, swooching doors and all.They don't have locks on the doors. Oh no, that's SO 1800s. These new lavs have an array of buttons, and that's where the fun starts.People have been getting the wrong buttons and opening the door mid-business. Talk about being caught with your pants down.Or some people pressed the wrong button and instead of being let out they got through to the driver on the emergency line. It's been a while since I had to ask to go to the toilet, but asking to get out of one seems even more undignified.Some reports claim those talking on the emergency intercom had their words heard all down the train.In many ways I should envy them, as they have more listeners t Read more:Toilet
Marathon Yeltsin Dead 2007-04-29 10:23:00 Two news stories today to compare and contrast.A 22-year-old man who ran the London Marathon
has died.76-year-old alcoholic Boris Yeltsin has died.One worked hard to stay fit, one drank every day, and look at the ages they got to.So ask yourself, after work are you going to the gym or the pub?
At It Like Cat And Dog 2007-05-01 18:08:00 I spotted this on the web. According to its owners, one of the five kittens in a litter born in Zhengzhou city, China, is actually a puppy. I guess they knew something was wrong when it just didn't taste right.
The Queen's US Visit 2007-04-30 18:40:00 America is gearing up for a state visit by the Queen
this week.No, she's not going over there to take it back because look what a mess they've made of it since they won their independence.No, she is heading to the US for the first time in 16 years, joined by the Duke of Edinburgh for the six-day East Coast royal tour (holiday), which begins in Virginia on Thursday.Bless the Americans, they get so excited about royal things. The Governor of Virginia Tim Kaine is providing a guide to royal etiquette on his website.It explains how to bow and curtsy:"Men bow their head only (what other body part can you bow, the kinky devil) dropping it from the neck. Women perform a small curtsy, placing the right foot behind the left heel and then slightly bending the knees."And my favourite bit is this:"When the Queen stops eating, you stop as well."Oh come on, this is America, when the Queen stops eating they'll still have about 5 burgers left to go......on their starters.
Chimps Are Human 2007-05-04 19:33:00 A British woman has applied to become the legal guardian of a chimp. Paula Stibbe, 38, claims primates are the same as people and should be treated as such by courts.But the tricky thing will come when you meet new people and say he's your kid. They won't know the backstory, and they'll just assume you have a very chimpy baby.They'll be forced into making nice comments, because that's what you have to do when you get shown someone's child."Oh, he very... interesting looking. And he's really come on with his banana peeling skills. Hmm, he takes after his dad." Read more:Chimps
Jailbird Paris Hilton 2007-05-12 17:53:00 Poor old ParisHilton
. It looks like she'll be doing some bird. That's not the plot of her next internet video, it's the big house, prison.She was banned from driving, then caught driving while banned. Naughty. So she was given a prison sentence.There is a petition on the web trying to save her from incarceration, but I won't put the link here. She's trying to get the Governor of California to save her. Sadly that's Arnie, and he's actually really good at saving people, I've seen it in films. Maybe an Arnie from the future will be sent back to save her if John Connor can spare the manpower.There's also a petition to make sure she gets locked up. I'll give that link, Click here for it.The really bad news is even if she does go to jail it won't be for the full 45 days because of prison over-crowding.Oh come on. She's so thin you can fit her in even the tightest of spaces. You know it makes sense.
Chip and Pin for Home Shopping 2007-05-15 17:40:00 The latest thing to battle internet fraud is Chin 'n' Pin machines in your own home. Barclays and NatWest are to send out millions of the card readers for online customers who want to transfer money from their account to another. It'll be just like shopping in a shop, without the assistant who treats you like dirt when you try and hand her your card. They won't touch it, like it's got the lurgy, and just say, "Put it in there." The best bit will be that you won't have to stand behind someone using their pin number. They wrap their body round the device and turn to look at you like you're some criminal. I always want to say, "Oi! Don't look me like that. I've checked out your trolly, you're buying store brand toilet roll, trust me, I don't want your pin number." Read more:Shopping
Big Brother Back in Time 2007-05-17 18:33:00 According to rumours, this series of Big Brother
will see half of the housemates sent "back to the 50s".Well last time's Celebrity Big Brother
was almost there. It had the racism of the 1950s.
Thought For Food 2007-05-19 16:13:00 What is going on with the service industry these days? I remember a time when you'd get the odd blue plaster in your salad but that was about it. But in the past week there have been several stories of people finding other forms of life in their foods.There was a woman in Hitchin who found a salamander in her bag of Sainsbury's salad. I know it said extra crispy but...Also a woman was in the news this week after finding a toad, still alive, in a bag of salad. As if finding something in your food isn't bad enough, she found half of her salad already eaten.But the best story was when someone found a slug crawling on their lettuce, in a meal they'd bought from a pub called 'The Slug And Lettuce'.It's a worry that the name of the establishment gives you a hint about what you'll get there.That's why I've stopped going to my local, The Cock Inn.
Yoko Puts Her Foot In It 2007-05-28 10:46:00 Yoko Ono has said she admires Heather Mills. Well, when it comes to ruining a Beatle she knows skill when she sees it.The best part of the story is the line in the papers: "Yoko said Paul McCartney's estranged wife had pulled off an incredible feat."Typically bad grammar from Yoko, but yes, Heather is good pulling off feet.
Drugs Report 2007-05-27 05:29:00 In the Daily Mirror today, page 2:Cannabis alters the brain, inducing paranoia......according to a secret report they didn't want you to find out about because they're out to get you. They even know that you've read it here because they track your web usage.Did that help? Read more:Drugs
Model Jordan Is A Virgin 2007-05-27 05:29:00 According to the Daily Star today Jordan
is to undergo £50,000 of surgery to make her a virgin again.Kate (cheap at half the) Price is planning a surgery make-over to make her feel younger again. She's going to have another boob job, to make them a bit smaller. She said: "They'll still be big but not as big and I'm going to go for the fake-looking American-style boob job."As if her big problem right now is looking just 'too real'.She also said, "And I'm going to get my mouth done too." Let's hope she's having that made smaller too.But the main bit of the make-over is called 'vaginal rejuvenation'. In her classy way she said: "I'm going to have my fanny done. I want to be a virgin again. That'll be a treat for Pete."He looks like he was such a nerd at school he probably only got to sleep with the uglies, so he'd be used to virgins.And let's be honest Jordan, no amount of surgery can make you Read more:Virgin
Paris Released From Jail 2007-06-08 10:35:00 Paris Hilton was released from jail after serving just three full days ofher sentence. I suppose there's no point making her serve more days than she can count to,and what good will it do?The decision was made as a result of a medical problem.I didn't know being a spoilt brat was a medical condition. Maybe she canget a cream for it.She'll now be kept under house arrest for another 40 days. So she won't goout, she won't have to meet people and has to get her shopping brought toher.That's my ideal lifestyle. Damn it.Still, she does has to suffer a bit. She must wear an electronic tag.And she'll be spending more of her time trying to find an outfit it goeswith. Read more:Paris
Mick Hucknall Is The Daddy 2007-06-20 11:15:00 Simply Red singer Mick Hucknall has become a dad at the age of forty-seven.His girlfriend Gabriella Wesberry has given birth to his first child, a daughter at a hospital in London on Monday.As soon as she was born she started crying. The doctors said she's healthy and she looks just liker her dad.And then her mum started crying. Read more:Daddy
The Big Kiss Off 2007-06-24 10:12:00 Can you hear it? The sound of crusties getting it on?At Glastenbury they tried to get in the record books by doing the world's biggest kissing.Thousands of people turned and kissed the person sat next to them. It's the kind of thing that happens at the festival anyway, but this year it's official.The plan is to spread the love, and probably spread some oral thrush too.My advice was, when moving in for the kiss, lean to the right. That should be a law. They should teach it at school, whenever you're about to kiss go the right, and everything will turn out fine.All those thousands of people trying to kiss, if one person goes left it could be a disaster.Forget the worlds biggest kissing, it'll be the world's biggest head butting.Not the peace and love message they were after.
Just The Way You Are (with backing vocals) 2007-07-06 04:08:00 Again, I'm working on my new career as a backing vocals singer. There are so many songs that need some added backing, and after the success of my Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars (which you can find on this blog somewhere) I've taken it old skool to the big Bazza White, Just The Way You Are, with my backing vocals. Have a listen.Click here to hear the mp3.Sweet!
UK Terror Attacks 2007-07-04 10:59:00 The recent terror attacks in the UK have been linked to members of the NHS.The NHS doctors are clearly just the henchmen. Higher up the chain of command will be dentists, because just like Osama Bin Laden, no matter how hard you look no one can actually find an NHS dentist. Read more:Terror
X Factor Smells 2007-07-11 11:55:00 Simon Cowell is like sand in a bikini, he gets everywhere, and it can be annoying and cause chaffing.He's about to launch an X Factor aftershave and perfume.Really? I look at Steve Brookstein and I don't think I want to smell like him, presumably of fear.If the scent was to represent the contestants on the first few weeks of the show I guess it would be three parts gravy to one part tears.He's also launching X Factor toys and sweets. Why not? If the children in the UK are spending that long watching things like X Factor they're going to be obese anyway, why not cash in on that?I just worry where it will all end. Pop Idol sex toys? Just like normal sex toys but with a picture of Michelle McManus on them.If he sells them he'll make a killing on "Britain's Got Sickbags". Read more:Smells
Atomic Kitten Terror 2007-07-16 10:57:00 Shocking! Former AtomicKitten
Kerry Katona and her baby daughter were held captive at their home by three armed burglars today.I bet she wishes she'd have gone to Iceland. Read more:Terror
, Atomic Kitten
New Bra Sizing 2007-07-24 11:38:00 A subject close to me own heart, while technically being no where near my actual heart, is that of bra sizes.A (lucky) team at Hong Kong University have been working on a new sizing system, saying the old one using just under-bust girth and cup size is not enough.If you went to Hong Kong University and you're studying geography right now, you must be fuming to know if you'd picked another course you'd been writing a thesis on puppies. And after uni you and the bachelors of boobs will be working side-by-side in the same McDonald's, so what was the point?The new system uses a depth of the breast measurement divided by the width of it, to give a usable ratio.Genius. That way a massive cup size could actually give you a low D/W ratio, showing that they're wide and floppy.A high D/W ratio and you're a porn star. Carol Vorderman's right, maths is fun.GSCE maths scores in boys would show an improvement for the first time I the UK. Just one thing. You have to s Read more:Sizing
BBW (Not a cricket term) 2007-08-01 11:04:00 Who was it who coined the wise words: "Big girl, you are beautiful"?Oh, that's right, it was Mika.Of all the things to be 'in to', surely being into the larger lady is the way to go.To quote the love expert Frankie Howard, "Oh, I do like large women. Ow, well. There's more to choose from."With obesity growing in the West why do so many go after the skinny ones? You're not doing yourself any favours in the maths.In fact, 'liking them large' should really be the norm, and a few odd sorts can then fancy the skinny ones and save themselves a packet taking them out to dinner.Well, if you're like Mika and Frankie (and who out there isn't) go and have a look at a website I've found.It's bbw romance a site for bbw dating So if that's what you fancy, go and have a look and let me know you're success.
Virgin Shows Her Ring 2007-07-30 11:59:00 I was shocked to read in the news:“A teenager whose teachers had stopped her wearing a ‘purity ring’ at school to symbolise her commitment to virginity lost a High Court fight against the ban.”This is the story of the 16-year-old virgin (that wouldn’t be as funny as the other film) Lydia Playfoot, who wanted to wear a silver ring is an expression of her faith but the school regulations ban the wearing of jewellery.I really think the school has got it wrong. I think she should be allowed to wear it.I’ll go one step further, I think anyone who wants to stay a virgin should wear one.That way, all the teenage boys will have a much easier time of it than I had.They’ll know who’s up for it and who isn’t, and not waste hours being nice to the women in the music department when they eventually got further with the ones who were doing drama.Erm, that happened to a friend of mind. Read more:Virgin
Shark In British Waters 2007-08-03 10:39:00 The people in Cornwall have spotted a Great White shark swimming off their coast. And we should believe then, as some of the people in Cornwall have very big eyes, so they should be good at seeing.Some people have been scared by the sighting of the star of the Jaws film (no, not Roy Scheider), but I feel sorry for the shark. You know what they're like in the South West. If it goes too near the beach they'll try and 'salvage' it, which basically means 'sell it on eBay'.It was thought the shark that was spotted was the female and her male partner would be near by. Ah, no I see. They must've been swimming around the English Channel and this happened.HER: We're lost aren't we?HIM: We are not lost. I know exactly where are.HER: We've passed that sewage outlet three times now. We're lost. Look, go up to that beach and ask for directions.HIM: I'm not flipping asking for directions. I'm not a dolphin.And that's why we've only seen her and not him. Read more:Shark
, British
, Waters
More Dating Ideas - This Time: Goths 2007-08-06 13:39:00 A few days ago I was recommending having a date with a larger lady. Try out a BBW, because you don't know till you try.Now I carry on my series of dating suggestions (I could turn this into a TV show - the top 40 people to date before you die, with Davina McColl. Obviously she would be the presenter and not on the list.)Why not ask out a Goth?We've all fancied one. I indeed have tried the monochrome babes in my younger years, and I can report back, they're brill.They're good looking, and always wear make-up. They're also never overweight, probably because of a surly attitude to food. And who doesn't love the smell of leather.If you're into women wearing boots it's either Goths or horse riders, and I like my women with a chin.To aid your research I've got the website for you too. Get yourself to the goth dating website.Goth ladies and goth guys, get together and, well, stay out of the sun together. It's a beautiful thing.On that note, summer can't be an easy time for t Read more:Dating
Paw Essex Girls 2007-08-06 12:21:00 Page 13 of The Sun today has made a little white angel appear on one of my shoulders, and a little red devil on the other. It gives us the headline:"World's Tallest Dog Lives In... Southend"RED: Essex girl is it?ANGEL: No, not that sort of dog. It's a dog that doesn't wear clothes.RED: Essex girl is it?ANGEL: No, not that sort of dog. It's a dog that spends most of it's time on all fours.RED: Essex girl is it?ANGEL: No, it's the type of dog that likes to have a bone.RED: Essex girl is it?ANGEL: No, it's a dog that has a furry body and eats dog food.RED: Skanky Essex girl is it?ANGEL: Erm, yeah. What a ho! Read more:Girls
Big Brother 2007: Vote Amy 2007-08-05 19:36:00 "Big Brother
is watching you," as the saying goes. But who's watching Big Brother
? Well, this series it looks like no one. No one that is, apart from me. You see, one of my jobs involves writing for a radio station, and I have to keep on top of popular culture, even when it's not that popular.So it's time to come clean and admit I'm actually enjoying it. So let me bring you my Big Brother update, in case you want to be a saddo like me.Scottish gay witch (three minorities in one) David got evicted and said he wants to put a hex on former fellow housemate Amy, which is bad news for her, as it sound like more than she normally wears.He's just jealous that she looks better in a skirt.He said after his eviction that Amy, the glamour model and porn star, was using her body to keep the lads on her side and avoid the chop.Yeah, and we know it, and we don't mind one bit.If someone said they'd give you money every week just to keep you happy, you'd realise they were trying to manipu
Jessica Simpson's Film Is A Load Of Ar... 2007-08-04 06:01:00 Shocking news from the world of entertainment. JessicaSimpson
's new movie won't be getting a cinema release because it's so bad.I'll give you a minute to let the settle in.Her film flick 'Blonde Ambition' has been pulled from a planned theatre opening this weekend.How could they get it so wrong? It's a simply formula. A Jessica Simpson
film requires Jessica Simpson and a bikini. That's it. It's not rocket science, unless NASA start putting massive norks on their shuttles.I could pitch her in a remake of any film.Jessica Simpson's Zulu: Don't shoot till you can see the whites of where the self-tan didn't get.Jessica Simpson's Flubber: Jessica Simpson's invents something that bounces more than she does in her bikini.Jessica Simpson's Casablanca: The trouble of two people don't amount to a hill of boobs.Jessica Simpson's Read Window: Jessica Simpson thinks she's seen a murder while spending time in her flat doing her bikini line.Jessica Simpson's Simpsons: Like The Sim
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