A woman pregnant...
2008-07-07 06:08:00
A woman
pregnant
with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you..." to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.""No, that’s not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the l
A mother and her...
2008-07-06 06:06:00
A mother
and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
Willy’s rolling down...
2008-07-05 04:05:00
Willy’s rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he’s driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he’s doing.Willy replies, "I’m going to Chicago for the weekend."The orderly chuckles and enters Bob’s room to check on him. He catches Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I’m making love with Willy’s old lady while he’s a
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An Amish lady...
2008-07-04 09:26:00
An Amish
lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am,” said the cop, “I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,” responded the Amish lady.“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way
Every night after dinner...
2008-07-03 07:45:00
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for hi
A young blonde...
2008-07-02 10:33:00
A young
blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonab
A man was in a long line...
2008-07-01 06:45:00
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register.She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store int
One night, a father...
2008-06-30 07:13:00
One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye Grandpa."The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.The next night, he heard his s
It's Saturday morning...
2008-06-29 04:01:00
It's Saturday
morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
14 Things Teachers...
2008-06-28 04:14:00
14 Things Teachers Would Love To Write On A Student’s Report Card1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.2. I would not allow this student to breed.3. This student has delusions of adequacy.4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.6. The student has a “f
A lawyer married a woman...
2008-06-27 07:09:00
A lawyer married
a woman
who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how
A Scottish tourist...
2008-07-21 08:00:00
A Scottish
tourist
attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya
Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and...
2008-07-20 08:00:00
Bill Gates
, Andy Grove
, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After comple
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Two young blonde...
2008-07-19 08:00:00
Two young
blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in. The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to
Three guys were...
2008-07-18 08:00:00
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"The biker looked at him and
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A young boy...
2008-07-17 08:00:00
A young
boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb. That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen h
There was a boy...
2008-07-16 08:00:00
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants t
One afternoon a lawyer...
2008-07-15 08:00:00
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?' 'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.' 'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said. 'But sir, I h
Eight-year-old Nina...
2008-07-14 08:00:00
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let
Read more: Eight
Two campers were...
2008-07-13 08:00:00
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.His partner says, "What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!"His friend replies, "I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
The manager hired...
2008-07-12 08:00:00
The manager
hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.Calling her
A guy walks into...
2008-07-11 08:00:00
A guy walks
into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."The bartender says, "What've you g
An armed balaclava clad robber...
2008-07-10 08:00:00
An armed balaclava clad robber
bursts into the Royal Bank of Scotland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Scottish customer grabs the balaclava and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is l
An old country preacher...
2008-07-09 08:00:00
An old country preacher
had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a
In a recent FDA study...
2008-07-08 08:00:00
In a recent FDA study, the United States government research physicians who were conducting studies on test drugs, administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.
A man who worked...
2008-08-06 08:00:00
A man who worked
for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!" "So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want y
In a trans-Atlantic flight...
2008-08-05 08:00:00
In a trans
-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses her nerve. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I’m too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had pl
A woman goes to England...
2008-08-04 18:48:00
A woman
goes to England
to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"The husband laughs and says "An English girl!"The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?""Very good, thank
A policeman was...
2008-08-02 08:00:00
A policeman was interrogating 3 Singh brothers who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first Singh answers, "That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that’s because t
An old farmer was...
2008-08-01 08:00:00
An old farmer
was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's tai
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