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Jokes Stories Quotations: ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS 2008-07-07 10:28:00 A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new."The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers to the floor, lighted on the back of a cock Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: IDEALS 2008-07-07 00:39:00 The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalked above it:"Keep your eye on this and do your best." Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: HABIT-2 2008-07-05 15:14:00 In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was appointed police magistrate."What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was called."Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant."Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded."Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop.""Have a cigar, then," urg Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: HABIT-1 2008-07-05 01:40:00 Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: CANDIDATES-2 2008-07-03 07:26:00 A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was traveling down in North Carolina, when he met an old darky one Sunday morning. He had known the old man for many years, so he took the liberty of inquiring where he was going."I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of de Lord.""Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance."No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian.""May Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: ACCIDENTS-1 2008-07-01 10:47:00 The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a woman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other, both slipped and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor was overwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his spee Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: FAITH-4 2008-06-30 08:11:00 "As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be well. Is that the idea?""It is.""Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be paid.""Not necessarily.""But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the other?""Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having faith in Providence and having faith in you."—Horace Zimmerman. Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: EDITORS-2 2008-06-28 14:31:00 The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the newspaper world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of his caustic and biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the tables were turned upon him in a way that left him speechless for days.A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did not approve of. The morning of publication this reporter drifted into th Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: EDITORS-1 2008-06-28 14:26:00 Recipe for an editor:Take a personal hatred of authors,Mix this with a fiendish delightIn refusing all efforts of geniusAnd maiming all poets on sight.—Life. Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: DAMAGES-1 2008-06-27 05:17:00 A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty, accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs. Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion.When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Delehanty's troubles, the lawyer said:"You want to get damages, I suppose?""Damages! Damages!" came in shrill tones from Mrs. Delehanty. "Haven't I got damages en Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: ECONOMY 2008-06-26 07:11:00 An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses.Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some day, want something which you probably won't want.—Anthony Hope.Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a last year's straw hat.—Abe Martin Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: FAITH-2 2008-06-25 06:55:00 "What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher."Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that the price o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true when the bills comes in." Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: FAITH-1 2008-06-25 06:44:00 Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets. Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: CANDIDATES-1 2008-06-24 09:13:00 "When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak," said Private John Allen recently to some friends at the old Metropolitan Hotel in Washington."An old darky came up to greet me after the meeting. 'Marse Allen,' he said, 'I's powerful glad to see you. I's known ob you sense you was a babby. Knew yoh pappy lo Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: BACTERIA-2 2008-06-23 06:15:00 Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital."Well," said the first, "what's new this morning?""I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact, so cross-eyed that when she cries the tears run down her back.""What are you doing for her?""Just now," was the answer, "we're treating her for bacteria." Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: BACTERIA-1 2008-06-23 06:08:00 There once were some learned M.D.'s,Who captured some germs of disease,And infected a trainWhich, without causing pain,Allowed one to catch it with ease. Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: GAS STOVES 2008-06-21 07:34:00 A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the modern conveniences with which her apartment was fur Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: GARDENING-2 2008-06-21 07:27:00 "I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months from now I won't be kicking about your prices.""No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell vegetables so cheap." Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: FAILURES 2008-06-21 07:21:00 Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true, father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as a failure." Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: ECHOES 2008-06-21 07:18:00 An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the Yankee exclaimed:"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country.""Oh, I don't know," said the American Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: DACHSHUNDS 2008-06-21 07:17:00 A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?""Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad."Where is he?" questioned the dominic, knowing the way to a boy's heart."Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so long to go in and out of the door he cools the w Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: JEWELS 2008-07-18 08:36:00 The girl with the ruby lips we like,The lass with teeth of pearl,The maid with the eyes like diamonds,The cheek-like-coral girl;The girl with the alabaster brow,The lass from the Emerald Isle.All these we like, but not the jadeWith the sardonyx smile.________________________Read more short funny jokes Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: HAPPINESS-2 2008-07-15 10:38:00 Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it.—Sydney Smith. _________________________Read more short funny jokes Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: HAPPINESS-1 2008-07-15 10:26:00 Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school question:"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is well reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:"'Dear parents—We are having a good time now at school. George J Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: IMITATION 2008-07-14 05:04:00 Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of As You Like It near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice.One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick." Read more:Jokes
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Jokes Stories Quotations: IMAGINATION 2008-07-13 09:36:00 One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages."I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your's don't come till September.""Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels when they were making you."The mother instantly summoned Read more:Jokes
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