Owner: A Smeddling Kiss URL:http://asmeddlingkiss.blogspot.com Join Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2007 11:55:27 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Velma is, alas, a psuedonym. I live with my family on Cape Cod, where I attempt to successfully blend in with the normal folk. You'd never guess the darkness that lurks in my heart. (Insert evil cackle and rubbing of hands together.)
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Odoriferous (52/365) 2007-03-10 00:26:00 I've always been overly-sensitive to smells. Ever since I was a kid, my smell associations have been remarkably strong. Chlorine, I'm sure, brings back pool memories for everyone. For me, though, it is the specific smell of the pool at my grandparents' house in Florida, circa 1978.Not just the pool, either, but the whole experience - waking up in the early morning darkness in frigid Pennsylvania, climbing into my grandpa's little 6-seat company plane, the saran-wrapped tray of little triangle tea sandwiches that always awaited us, the noise of the engines, the chance to sit in the cockpit with the pilot, Ed. My sisters and I would have our little travel desks with us, with coloring and books tucked inside, and the flight went on and on forever.Then we'd touch down at the desolate landing strip on Key Largo, the one my uncle once had to round up all his friends and train the headlights of their cars on because we'd arrived after the automatic lights had shut down for the night. Th
Boggling (51/365) 2007-03-09 15:16:00 While working on a post about the steps we are taking to green our home, I stumbled across this product, but I'll warn you right now that I threw up a little in my mouth when I clicked over the the website:BlingH20Look! Only $480 for a case of bottled water from Tennessee! Limited Edition water! Read more:Boggling
Crafty! (50/365) 2007-03-07 15:55:00 When winter sets in, I pick up the yarn.I've been working on this afghan for our living room. I'm winging it, if you couldn't tell by the utter randomness, just kind of juggling the stitch patterns and colors. I'm actually using this as a sort of learning sampler, since I've never ventured much beyond your basic stockinette stitch. I went to A.C. Moore last month and picked up a bunch of 25% off basic acrylic yarns in the colors of our furniture and FLOR tiles*, and there you have it. The nice thing about knitting an afghan, I'm discovering, is that once you get a foot or two on the needles, it's very cozy to knit with it stretched across your lap. Especially when it's 15 bloody degrees outside. In other "Crafty
!" news, I am finally almost finished with this scarf. From what I can tell, it took me 17 months to knit. Working on that schedule, I should have all the ends woven in and the scarf blocked by July. * I am truly in love with the FLOR tiles. You pick them up, scrub them
"I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh?" (49/365) 2007-03-06 20:05:00 Yes, little guy, you DO make me laugh. In fact, you are the best laugh I've had all day.It's really lucky I wasn't drunk when I stumbled across this listing, because my drunk self would TOTALLY pay $50 bucks for that!(Here's a hint: one of my favorite searches on eBay is "taxidermy.")
Where's The Damn "OFF" Button? (48/365) 2007-03-05 17:59:00 Peanut's imagination has really taken off recently. Up until last fall, he wasn't verbalizing most of the stuff going on in his head, although we would hear bits and pieces of it, but his pronunciation was so poor that we couldn't even understand a lot of what he said. Unfortunately, that has all changed now. Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled that his speech therapy is working and that his communication has improved 1000%. It's just a little overwhelming, is all I'm saying. A little LOUD, is all. A tad incessant, perhaps.Here is how my Sunday morning began: I roused when I heard the tap tap patter of little feet coming down the stairs. Peanut has lately taken to waking up early, so he climbed up to snuggle with me, and we lay there for a few minutes, him urgently whispering something about his ongoing dreams about "the number zero." I eventually told him to shush and drifted off again for a few minutes. Suddenly, I felt him jump out of bed, followed by this (high-volume) monolog
Right Down The Turlet! (47/365) 2007-03-05 15:27:00 Lemme see, what's been going on around here other than my impulse purchases?Weeeeeeeeel, remember in "Airplane," where the Lloyd Bridges character keeps saying, "Looks like I picked a bad week to (insert vice here)?"Guess what we did 2 weeks ago? After much procrastination, and research, and discussion, we opened up an investment account! We sunk a chunk of money into the stock market! YAY US! Since we opened this up with long term goals (college) and are comfortable with market fluctuation and all that, we aren't all panicky and befuddled, but we *do* enjoy saying to each other, "Look like we picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!" Dr. V. is calmly refusing to pay much attention to the latest market news, whereas I take perverse enjoyment in logging into the investment account so I can cheerfully yodel, "Another hundred dollars down the turlet, honey!"What can I say? We are fun people. Fun people with very bad timing. We couldn't have procrastinated another week, right? We Read more:Right
Yeah, He Wants Me. (46/365) 2007-03-03 18:25:00 I saw him staring at me from across the store. I was looking for the ATM, and I glanced past him, vaguely registering his interest. My nearsightedness, combined with years of city living, has left me with a habit of avoiding eye contact. If I become aware that someone is looking at me, I actively ignore it, so when I realized he really was looking directly at me, I didn't pause as I swept past him.Once I'd used the ATM, I turned and was struck by his gaze once more. I was taken aback by the directness in his eyes, and flustered, I felt he knew the cause of my own distraction. In fact, it seemed to amuse him. I'm usually intensely monogamous, but I couldn't deny my attraction. What can I say? I'm only human. I have my weaknesses. He came home with me that day, and I've had to hide him around the house several times to prevent discovery. I'll share his presence when I am good and ready, but for now he is all mine. In fact, we are alone in the house right now, and he's sit
Back In The Groove (45/365) 2007-03-02 17:55:00 Actually, I'm not in the groove yet - I'm still skipping a little. (Ooooh, looky! A scratched record joke! Now I'm officially old.) I'm trying, but my brain just isn't cooperating. It doesn't feel like switching itself back on, the lazy thing. It kind of misses the narcotic cough syrup haze of last week, and the skipping analogy is pretty close, since I find myself doing a lot of repetitive "What was I doing?" and "Where did I put that?" behaviors.Yesterday was my first full-strength activity day, however. Dentist appointment, ran errands, signed Pepper up for swim lessons, volunteered in Pepper's class, had a haircut and color, the cleaners came, the works. It was exhausting!I ended up having a latte in the afternoon, which is probably the reason I didn't go to bed until 1 a.m., which is definitely the reason I'm still feeling out of it today. We are having quite a storm outside, with a couple large branches and small trees looking a little too horizontal not to be badly dama Read more:Groove
Problematic Hair Update (44/365) 2007-02-28 17:49:00 About a month ago, we got the little notice from the school that it was school picture time for Peanut. I wasn't sure how he would do, but I did ask our babysitter (a former hairstylist) to give him a haircut the week before. Having her cut his hair at home has been the only way we have been able to get him calm enough to avoid bloodshed, so when she forgot her scissors, I really wasn't up for traumatizing some other poor unsuspecting salon cutter. Frankly, I figured he'd refuse to sit still for his picture anyway.It turns out that he did great! He totally cooperated, and his teacher assured me that they got a really cute shot of him, which came home in his backpack today:It actually captures him perfectly. The big brown eyes, the engaging smile, the psychotic hair.I call this one "A Flock of Seagulls:"Here's the best one. It made me laugh and laugh when I saw it. This is a self-portrait he did at school. Like the hair? I fully expect this child to show up here, in the 2020 awards Read more:Problematic
, Update
Bogged Down (43/365) 2007-02-26 23:19:00 It's amazing how fast the days at the end of school vacation sped by. I keep sitting down to write a longer post, hoping to compose something worthy of reading. Instead, I find myself getting bogged down in old photos as I try to pull together a post about Pepper's birthday and the fact that my fabulous child is now 7.I don't seem to have all my stamina back after this recent illness, and so instead of posting about the end of the week and the books I've been reading and the birthday party, I'll post these few baby pictures and call it a night. Hopefully my act will pull itself together tomorrow.Can you believe this face? Read more:Bogged
, Bogged Down
Sometimes They Get It Right. Or Not. (43/365) 2007-02-23 15:00:00 I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile.Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts awayI let mine out, and chatter all the while.I'm rarely on my own - a wasted dayIs any day that's spent without a friend,With nothing much to do or hear or say.I like to be with people, and dependOn company for being entertained;Which seems a good solution, in the end. What Poetry Form Are You?I would have to agree that the chattering part is dead on. It's hard to believe, given the volume of my output, but I do a LOT of self-editing on this blog. In person, I tend to be that person who never knows when to shut up. Except it's totally wrong about depending on other people for being entertained. I depend on other people for distraction from my own internal yammering.But wait! The quiz tells me that if I wasn't a terza rima, I'd be a sonnet:I am the sonnet, never quickly thrilled;Not prone to overstated gushing praiseNor yet to seething rants and anger, filledWith overstretched opinions to rephr Read more:Right
, Sometimes
A Dream, Not My Own (42/365) 2007-02-23 00:41:00 My lovely husband was looking slightly bemused one morning, kind of shaking his head slightly as he made coffee. When I asked, he told me that he had a dream the night before that he had to treat the lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys. The singer had bone mets and was in so much pain he couldn't perform, so Dr. V. treated him so he could do the show.My interpretation is that the dream was triggered by all the cigarette imagery on the CD art, or this song:As far as Dr. V's dream, apparently it's not enough that he actually does that shit all day. He's got to dream about it, too. Fucking overachiever. Read more:Dream
Art I Want (41/365) 2007-02-21 17:22:00 Any one want to buy me this?That windshield wiper track on the right side with the rain just grabs me. C'mon - you never got me anything for my birthday, remember? Please? I'll be your best friend. I'll bake you cookies. Hell, I'll clean your bathroom (assuming there are no more than 2 men in your household.)No takers?Darn it.
Vaughn-A-Thon! (40/365) 2007-02-20 00:34:00 I spent Saturday night at home alone watching television and blowing mucus out of my head. Don't you want to hang with me? I'm fun. While I was so busy snorfling and honking and being awesome, I watched "The Break-Up." That is the type of movie which falls perfectly into my "Sick At Home Alone" movie category. I enjoyed parts of it, but I'm not sure which parts I enjoyed because of the performances and which parts I enjoyed because I love and miss Chicago.There was a point in the movie where Vince Vaughn
is on a tour boat going down the Chicago River, and I got a little verklempt. When I saw my old office building, I had a 15 year flashback to when I would sit there in my office and look out at the river and hear the tour guides muffled voices coming through the windows as I worked. So it could have been the natural appeal of Jen and Vince, or it could have been my friggin' hormones again.Yesterday, Dr. V. arrived home safe and sound after a brief stop in Connecticut to let some ba
My Heart Says "No" But My Head Says "Yes." (39/365) 2007-02-18 17:04:00 I've been sick all week long, the kind of sick where you just don't care what your kids eat for a couple days as long as someone else is feeding them. You vaguely hope that they are eating something other than sugar-free gum and french bread, which is all they seem to want to eat for you, but honestly? You don't really care.We have lucked out in child-care for a while now, with not one but two trusted sitters to relay on. (You can tell I'm punchy from the cold medicine because in my head? I just said that to myself in The Count's voice from Sesame Street: "Not one! One trusted babysitter! Ah ah ah! No, TWO! Two trusted babysitters!")By Thursday night, I realized that I was in no shape to take our whirlwind trip down the East Coast for a wedding near Philadelphia. I knew Dr. V. was going to be disappointed, but I also knew that his best buddy and pardner, Dr. Pilot, had been hoping someone would fly down to this wedding with him in his plane - his new plane. Dr. V. luuuurves to fly Read more:Heart
Cancer Sucks (38/365) 2007-02-17 07:08:00 Not exactly headline news, I know, but it really, really, really sucks.One of the crappy things going on this week has been the return of my uncle's bone cancer. A few years ago, he underwent a massive operation that involved taking out the cancerous section of his jaw and taking a bone graft from his femur. The cancer has now returned, engulfing all of the previous work and bone grafts and spreading to the other side of his jawbone. After 20 years of health issues too unbelievable to detail here, this may finally be the one that does him in. I'm feeling terrible for not having visited he and his husband until now - the last time I saw them was 6 years ago. When I type that, it doesn't seem possible, but it has been that long. They have never even met Peanut, and have not seen Pepper since her first birthday. I have to go dig out my passport. Plans are uncertain, given the state of various other family members health and welfare, but my mother and I are beginning to try to wo Read more:Cancer
Sooper Geeeeenius... (37/365) 2007-02-16 14:59:00 Peanut came home yesterday with a note from his preschool teacher, saying that he had won the "estimating contest." Along with the note, she had included the tub of candy hearts and the chart they had used for the estimating game. I was giving myself the usual secret parental congratulatory monologue:"Just as I suspected! He's probably a math savant, because he's definitely been a little number crazy lately. I mean, when I asked him about his dreams last night, he told me he dreamed about "the number zero!" No doubt his true abilities are just starting to blossom and that's why his favorite conversational loops are about numbers lately. I knew he was brilliant!"Yes, that is what was running through my mind as I unpacked the backpack. First the tub of candy hearts, which indicated there were 45 hearts inside.Then I opened up the chart, expecting to see something that would validate my child's incredible feat of estimation - at age 4, no less! He probably guessed 40 or 50, or maybe
Not My Kind Of Drinking Game (36/365) 2007-02-15 21:39:00 Hey! What's more fun than sitting around getting hammered? How about sitting around getting hammered AND electrocuted!Painful!And if the product itself doesn't strike you as funny, check out the pictures on the sidebar showing the small children getting ZAPPED!Now THAT'S funny. Read more:Drinking
Diggin' On It (02.15.07) and [35/365] 2007-02-15 19:24:00 Here's a quick run-down of the items we are diggin' on this week:I am diggin' on The Closer, which I discovered two weekends ago while sick and blessedly home alone. I have finished up most of the DVR-ed episodes, and am still hooked on the show. In addition to enjoying the show itself, I think my fascination has something to do with how fast Kyra Sedgwick's face goes from "pretty" to "wizened little monkey." I am also diggin' on this yarn, which feels so beautiful when knit up in a 1x1 rib that I am seriously thinking of turning my scarf into an afghan.I've been watching much more t.v. than normal since I've been sick, and one of the most fun things I caught this week was this documentary. Man, did it bring back memories, and I have been digging out my old cds for the kids. If I could get Peanut to memorize "Particle Man," I think that would be pretty cool, right?Pepper is diggin' on this toy, which is kind of like electronic Mad Libs. It has kept her off my back for hours thi
Ah, Romance! (34/365) 2007-02-14 22:14:00 We celebrated Valentine's Day over the weekend. My husband took me out Friday for a "surprise" date night. It was a perfect small celebration of a holiday that has the potential to make me gag with disgust on so many levels, but he managed to make it simple and sweet.It was a tiny little jewel of an evening. The fancy restaurant we went to is only 3 minutes away from our house, the room in which we ate only holds 5 tables, and thanks to some dental work I'd had earlier in the day, I was uncharacteristically moderate in my food and alcohol consumption. I watched an elderly couple two tables away briefly clasp hands as they waited for their dessert in silence, and eavesdropped on the louder table of 5 women next to us, listening to them debate ordering 2 v.s. 3 appetizers to split, and Dr. V. and I held hands, too, and caught up on the week.We left and drove all of a 1/4 mile down the road to the local arts center, where they were doing a production of Cole Porter songs. When we went i Read more:Romance
Camping At Home (33/365) 2007-02-13 16:11:00 The power went out one night last week. It was pretty cold out, around 20 degrees, so we immediately switched on the fireplace (YAY gas fireplace!) and hunkered down in the living room. When it got to be bedtime, we brought the foam mattresses from the never-used trundle beds up from the basement and camped out on the floor.I have a question for anyone reading this. I'm certainly not trying to start a male bashing discussion here, BUT...which parent do you think tried to lure the other parent into the room next door for marital relations? Leaving the fire going? Which parent figured that because the fireplace glass is inoperable, the kids would be fine, and which parent got all self-righteous and appalled at the thought of leaving the children so that someone could get his or her rocks off? And which parent went to sleep in the comfortable bedroom 10 feet away and which parent martyred themselves on the foam mattress with the restless children?Moving on, I think I owe Pepper an apolog Read more:Camping
A Joke (32/365) 2007-02-13 15:11:00 There has been a lot going on in my life, good and bad, over the past few days. I will start playing catch up today, but first - a joke to start the morning:Q: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off, and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
Aaaaaaaaargh! (31/365) 2007-02-09 21:17:00 Oh, Lordy.I try to be kind, I really do, but when I ran across this blog I just cringed. I ranted about them last year, so I won't do it again, but between the Cupid Poop, the post I started writing earlier after accidentally listening to Rush Limbaugh's radio network for 1.5 minutes, and this, my eyes are ready to roll right out of my head, THEY ARE SO LOOSE FROM ALL THE EYE ROLLING.
Searching For Buried Treasure (30/365) 2007-02-08 17:18:00 I never wrote here about the actual doctor's appointment on Tuesday. First off - no vomit! Hooray! We made it up there with 10 minutes to spare, and the doctor greeted me with, "Oh, I usually like to schedule a longer appointment when I haven't seen a patient in a while." Peanut proceeded to tear toys off her bookshelves and play with the cars and do a mini-whirlwind very excited chatty little performance, which had the effect of bringing up the subject of ADHD rather than autism as a diagnosis.The experience left me slightly peevish, but optimistic. The problem is that, like many other specialists and therapists we have met, she is a good doctor, trying to figure out what to do with a patient she has only met once before and has not seen for 6 months. I understand that. It's not her fault the kid keeps throwing up on the way there, causing us to run late and be covered in vomit, causing us to have to reschedule. It's not her fault we live so far away and each appointment features Read more:Buried
, Treasure
Butt Mount! (54/365) 2007-03-12 13:54:00 God only knows what kind of hits I'm gonna get from that one, but honestly - how could I resist posting the tail end (ba dum chick!) of the Gangster Squirrel auction?Even better? The comment from one of the hundreds of satisfied customers who have purchased a fine specimen from - wait for it - "Rick's Custom Squirrels." I can't link to the individual comment that had me in hysterics, so I'll just post the photo from this particular auction and the buyer's comment:Buyer's comment:"Absolutely beautiful. 3 year old son loves our new member of the family, Rocky."
Sandbagged? Check! (53/365) 2007-03-12 04:35:00 Last Thursday night, after a difficult session getting Peanut to bed, I went in to Pepper's room to tuck her in and read to her. After we finished, I turned down the light, and as she was settling in, she suddenly gasped and burst into tears."Aaaaaaaaahhhh! Ohnoooooo! I forgot to make my costume for the play tomorrow!""Wha..?""Waaaaaahhhh! I'm the Raccoon! I need to wear a sweater!""OK, we can pick out which one you want to wear tomorrow morning...""And a chrysalis! I need to make a chrysalis! And a maaaaaaaask!"More atonal moaning, but I talked her down from the ledge by agreeing to wake her up early the next morning and drive her to school so she could have more time to pull this stuff together.Cut to Friday morning, where I woke up thinking, "I better get out of bed now, because I need to wake up early." Then I went out to the kitchen, poured some coffee, and proceeded to read the paper for half an hour, until it was the normal time to wake the kids up. Which is when I remembered Read more:Check
Diggin' On It (03.14.07) and [55/365] 2007-03-14 22:10:00 I am diggin' on the new Boden catalog. Because of my egg-shaped torso waistly abundance, I don't usually buy from catalogs unless I have physically tried on an item and know it works for me. My inner thin person was quite tempted by this and this, but every time I splurge and buy something colorful that I love the look of, I end up not wearing it. I see it, I love it, I buy it, and then as I am getting dressed in it, I look in the mirror and think, "All I need to complete this outfit is a spongy red nose! Also? Some big floppy shoes and a bicycle horn!"This is why I have a closet full black clothes, none of which go together very well. It wasn't too difficult to restrain myself until I saw these: These shoes spoke to me. They said, "We are red, and while adding height to your stumpy frame, will not butcher your feet! You need to bring us home, because we will add zing to all of your boring black clothing! No one will notice that all your blacks don't match with us on your tootsies!
Comedy On The Road (56/365) 2007-03-17 04:20:00 Because our neighborhood is the last bus stop on the route, Pepper gets to spend some quality time riding the bus each afternoon. There are assigned seats on her bus, and for a while we had a lot of talk about how "mean" one of the girls she sat with was. Seat assignments recently changed, and she now sits near a boy who is apparently the funniest 3rd grader on the planet. Each day this week, she has come skipping off the bus singing a little song or chortling at a joke. Today's offerings were two songs and a joke. Here are the songs:1. "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a heater, accidently flipped a switch and burned his little weiner!"(HAAAHHAAAAHAHAHHA!!!)2. "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a baby, hit the ground and turned around and saw a naked lady!"(AAAHHHHAHAHHAHHHAHHHAAAAA!!)On to the joke. The joke involved so much helpless burbling laughter that she could barely even tell it to me, but I managed to get her to repeat it to me this evening while I taped it. Read more:Comedy
Resistance Is Futile (57/365) 2007-03-17 19:26:00 Can you friggin' believe these socks? I have put off learning to knit socks because I know it could easily become an obsession, but I think I may have just been wooed to the dark side by the utter gorgeousness of this woman's work. Her name is Eunny Jang, and her designs are amazing, and I despair of ever being skilled enough to knit any of them. Every time I cruise through her site, I see more and more beautiful knitting. Maybe I'll start with some simpler socks, though! Read more:Resistance
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