Owner: The Cult of Qelqoth URL:http://www.qelqoth.com Join Date: Tue, 06 Mar 2007 09:43:22 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The Cult of Qelqoth; weekly weirdness for adults only. Site statistics:Click here
Geriatric WarMongers: Snuff Lovin’ Criminals 2007-03-06 01:08:30 DAVENPORT, Iowa - An elderly rapist was arrested at his retirement home today after allegedly striking a fellow resident in the head with a hammer. The 76 year old necrophiliac was charged with attempted murder and sexual violation of the unconscious body.
The geriatric sleaze is accused of striking 81 year old Lizzie, who despite suffering post traumatic stress disorder, is otherwise stable. Both were residents of (more…) Read more:Geriatric
, Criminals
If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning… 2007-03-01 06:50:40 Giving the sermon last Sunday was a complete and utter disaster from start to finish. Never once in my life have I had to endure such a cataclysmic downward spiral of utmost imbecility. I pray to God (and our dreadful minister) that this week, I can use the Sabbath for a relaxing game of golf instead.
I had finished brushing up on the speech in my study and was about to leave the house for a quick visit to the early hours off-licence for some liquid aid. However, this is where things started going terribly wrong. (more&hellip
;)
August 2006: Easton Baseball Bat 2007-02-27 13:38:17 Recently, me and the good wife decided to leave the seclusion of our country abode and partake in a gentle stroll around the Kingsway Mall. You see, we had both been invited by to a barbecue by one of her old acquaintances from college and we felt that if we were to be attending this outdoor soiree, that we should at least be properly dressed for the occasion.
On arrival at the shopping complex, we were dumbfounded by the sheer magnitude of the building itself, its gleaming windows dazzling our eyes as the sun reflected off them. Wiping the sweat from my brow (more…) Read more:August
, Easton
Old News: Chronic The Hedgehog 2007-02-27 13:36:50 A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he raped a hedgehog while a local witchdoctor watched and pleasured himself.
Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, says the witchdoctor had insisted that the act of beastiality would cure his premature ejaculation and also, be a sensual experience like no other.
But despite the rampant witchdoctor’s words of wisdom, Nikolvik ended up in an operating theatre after the hedgehog’s needles left his penis severely lacerated although he did wind up receiving more pricks than Traci Lords at a European Bukakke Convention.
A hospital spokesman said: “The animal did not ensure any physical harm although has been suffering from severe pyschological trauma. Obviously, the patient came off much worse physically from the encounter although we have managed to repair the damage to his purple headed custard chucker.” Read more:Hedgehog
, Old News
Spiritual Advice Column: Vol. 4 2007-02-26 10:45:08 Rev. Qelqoth,
A former co-worker who was fired for sexually interfering with office equipment, recently contacted me regarding a favour.
During his employment, he had stolen office equipment from our storage department. This included a stapler, magic markers, printer ribbons and glue.
In recent times, he has started to experience erectile dysfunction. Because he can only orgasm using office supplies, he wants me to return (more…) Read more:Column
Kochi Blow-up Doll 2007-02-26 10:43:17
Despite being a nation of used underwear enthusiasts, the Japanese are a force to be reckoned with. They rule the sex industry with an iron fist. When it comes to inflatable relationships, there is no race that comes close to the (more…) Read more:Kochi
An Interview with Prince Harry 2007-02-26 10:42:03 Right wing activist and royal spokesman for the British National Party, PrinceHarry
, will be quitting amateur racism to fight full time against the Iraqi resistance. News of the prince’s call to battle has been confirmed by the Ministry of Defence.
Harry’s regiment, the Blues and Royals, has been informed that it will serve in Iraq as part of a new totalitarian deployment strategy to bring the Iraqi resistance to its knees.
In an exclusive interview, we spoke with the young Mountbatten-Windsor pot smoker who seemed eager to put his plan forward for ethnic cleansing and also, the prospective rebuilding of the Great British Empire. (more…) Read more:Prince Harry
Audio Review: Funky Honkey, Nasty Nigger 2007-02-26 10:41:02 The cover of this epic record is an eclectic mixture of cultural diversity and sexual liberation, a landmark for an era where interracial relationships was quite simply frowned upon. The central gentleman, sporting a well groomed afro, is on the receiving end of what appears to be mock fellatio, while his puppet companions look on in awe.
Personally, I suspect there is a overbearing deal of authenticity regarding the sexual act itself although this is unsurprising when it was albums such as this that paved the way for (more…) Read more:Audio
, Funky
St. Valentine’s Day Massacre: Part Two 2007-02-26 10:40:00 I had a call from Uncle Joseph this morning. He said some people went and made us “Link of The Day” on their website. Perhaps now we’ll show greater numbers the true meaning of salvation. This move would put us right up there with legendary icons of the twentieth century. Great spiritual leaders like Charles Manson, Jim Jones and Michael Jackson.
Speaking of Michael Jackson; I don’t care if he is black or white. That singer raised the bar for charity work when it came to helping the needy children of this world. I love Michael. If only I could (more…) Read more:Valentine
, Day Massacre
, Part Two
St. Valentine’s Day Massacre: Part One 2007-02-26 10:39:02 Today, Uncle Joseph insisted that I travel to Norfolk and get an interview with Bernard Matthew for the website. He was originally going there himself although he’s also been working on a sermon for this Sunday and the Lord’s work does take priority in his home.
Uncle Joseph said that he required some quality thinking time alone with his nature videos. Apparently, it helps him relax which I guess is the reason he kept asking me to shut the door. It seemed a little weird I guess but not as strange as what Aunt Judith was doing.
Firstly, she didn’t have any clothes on. Also, she had this funny stick on her crotch. I’m not sure why but it looked like it was covered in some kind of meat paste. But Aunt Judith is very ambidextrous, a talent only housewives and video gamers seem to possess. Besides, I just figured it helped (more…) Read more:Valentine
, Day Massacre
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