Owner: The Slope Oak (Iowa) Herald URL:http://news.hunkydunk.com Join Date: Thu, 15 May 2008 08:25:42 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: All the news from little Slope Oak, Iowa. It\\\'s like The Onion, but from Iowa. Site statistics:Click here
Alzheimer's Walk Turns Tragic as Participants Wander Into Slough 2008-05-14 07:07:46 Good intentions turned to tragedy Wednesday when the Slope Oak Alzheimer
's Association's first annual Memory Walk resulted in six of the participants wandering away from the Riverside Marina parking lot into nearby Jayne's Slough, where they sank to their deaths in thick, sloppy, black mud. Several other participants got into other people's cars by mistake and had to be shot with tranquilize Read more:Participants
, Wander
Missing Kids Found in Woman's Yard, Rounded Up by Border Collie 2008-05-13 10:34:21 A regional Amber Alert was canceled before being issued Tuesday when it was discovered that a border collie had rounded up 15 kids from the Kiddie Kare Kamp, a Slope Oak day care center for young'uns, and herded them into the back yard of 54-year old Mavis McCluskey, a widow woman what lives over on Garfield St."I was listening to the news on KROK and waiting for the Swap Shop show to start o Read more:Missing
, Rounded
, Border
, Collie
THE HUNKY DUNK NEWS PODCAST, Vol. 1, Issue 1 2008-05-11 05:36:37 In This Week's Edition --* Slope Oak's Only Communist Dies during Solo May Day Parade* Orphanage, Nursing Home Torn Down to Make Room for New Benevolent Society Office* Mystical, Attractive Negro Files Mayoral Papers* Local Rough, Tough Racists Respond to Call for "Riots in Denver"
Councilwoman Hijacks Council Meeting with Laundry List of Losing Legislation 2008-05-11 05:27:32 Fourth Ward Council
woman Becky Cinder's laundry list of legislation, which she said was proof of her "passion for governance", caused Thursday's meeting of the Slope Oak City Council to run for a marathon seven hours. Each of the 34 proposed ordinances failed on a 2-3 vote, but to hear her talk about it the next morning, you'd think she got everything she'd asked for."Each and every one of t Read more:Laundry
, Legislation
Hunt for Source of Gas Leak Leads Emergency Crews to Fat Man 2008-05-11 05:27:32 Using sophisticated technology to sniff the air for the source of leaky gas mains, emergency crews from Eastern Iowa Gas and Electric scouted out a fat man with Crohn's Disease as the source of high levels of methane emissions Saturday.Crews were called in after several 911 calls about a "horrible, putrid, sick, oily and rotting" smell in the area of the 2600 block of North Cleveland Street in Slo Read more:Source
, Leads
, Emergency
Hospital Nixes Cancer Surgery Because of "Miracle Image" on Tumor 2008-05-11 03:53:43 Doctors at Our Lady of Health Care Hospital in Slope Oak were ordered to cancel a potentially life-saving cancer surgery Saturday when an MRI image of the tumor revealed the likeness of the Blessed Virgin.Ralph Hankinson, 43, of Slope Oak, was admitted to the hospital, which is owned and operated by the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Davenport, after tests indicated the presence of a 15-centimeter Read more:Image
, Cancer
, Surgery
, Tumor
Bitchy British Chef Murdered by Students at Cooking School 2008-05-11 03:53:43 Gordon Ramfield, attempting to duplicate the success of the Fox Television Network's "Hell's Kitchen" program by opening a cooking school in Slope Oak, was gang-murdered by his students on the first day of class. He was found sliced, diced and sauteed in a creamery butter sauce and served with a side of wild, brown rice and a cilentro garnish.When police responded to a 911 call from the scen Read more:British
, School
Chicago Businessman Seeks Local Teen Girls for Summer Jobs 2008-05-15 06:37:58 Antwan "Velvet" DuPris, a self-described entrepreneur from Chicago
, is in town this week with the hopes of recruting some of Slope Oak's finest and most attractive young ladies for summer employment in what he called "Chicago's personal entertainment industry.""It's like this," DuPris said in a telephone interview. "I plan to find five or six of your sweetest, most innocent-looking youn Read more:Businessman
, Local
, Girls
, Summer
HUNKY DUNK NEWS PODCAST, Vol. 1, Issue 2 2008-05-17 06:11:38 From the newsroom of the Slope Oak Herald, here's this week's HUNKY DUNK NEWS Podcast!In This Week's Edition:* Missing Kids Found in Woman's Yard.* Alzheimer's Walk Takes Tragic Turn.* Hunt for Source of Gas Leak Leads Emergency Crews to a Fat Man* Hospital Cancels Emergency Surgery Because of Miracle Image on Tumor.
Dedication Canceled, No Slope Oak War Dead Identified 2008-05-19 06:21:40 Plans for a Memorial Day dedication ceremony at Slope
Oak's new memorial to the city's war dead on the riverfront were scrapped Monday when a check of city archives and veterans records showed no one from Slope Oak had ever died in a war -- or in any other capacity connected to the defense of the United States of America."Closest thing we could find was some folks back in 1943 who left Slope Oak a Read more:Dedication
City Ordered to "Bend Over..." for Child with Peanut Allergy 2008-05-20 08:29:10 The parents of 7-year old Brittney Hyde were jubilant Tuesday when a judge declared that everyone in the city has to "bend over backwards" to accommodate the little girl's rare peanut allergy.Slope Oak Circuit Court Judge Rafe Dihlman ordered all citizens and businesses in the city to "do whatever the Hydes tell you they need you to do" to ensure that the little sweetheart doesn't come in contact Read more:Peanut
, Allergy
Mural Artist Paints Mural of Himself Painting a Mural 2008-05-22 08:45:09 Noted Slope Oak artist Elmer Stick, the man who's responsible for all them murals you see on building walls all over town, is working on what he calls his masterpiece... a mural of himself painting a mural on the wall of the Tastee Cone Ice Cream Store on Main Avenue North in Slope Oak. "I think of it as a representation of a time continuum," the artist said. "As folks drive through Sl Read more:Artist
, Paints
, Painting
Priest Suffers Breakdown During Baptism, Tries to Drown Baby 2008-05-21 08:14:00 There were some tense moments at St. Boniface Catholic Church in Slope Oak Wednesday morning when, during a baptism ceremony, the Assistant Pastor, Father Axel Manheart, snatched the baby from its godmother and attempted to drown it in the baptismal font.The baby's mama, 17-year old Audrey Sweeney, knew in an instant that something was terribly, terribly amiss."We knew something was wrong rig Read more:Priest
, Baptism
HUNKY DUNK NEWS, Vol. 1, Issue 3 2008-05-23 14:35:13 From the newsroom of the Slope Oak Herald, here's this week's HUNKY DUNK NEWS Podcast!In This Week's Edition:* City Ordered to Bend Over for Child with Peanut Allergy* Priest Suffers Breakdown During Baptism, Tries to Drown Baby* Teachers Forced to Intervene when "Nazis" Nearly Win School D-Day Re-enactment* Memorial Day Ceremoney Canceled -- No Dead Soldiers
Teachers Intervene as "Nazis" Nearly Win D-Day Re-enactment 2008-05-23 06:53:44 It took nearly the entire adult faculty of Elijah Mann Elementary School to get the job done, but no way were they going to let the students assigned to play "Nazis
" in the school's water balloon re-enactment of the D-Day invasion achieve ultimate victory.Nearly
two dozen students from Mrs. Jeffries' fourth grade class were assigned the role of "Nazi Defenders" at the school's Memorial Day observa
Therapy Dog Dies After Being Fed Chocolate Cake on its Birthday 2008-05-27 09:29:58 "Doogie Bowser," the 4-year old golden lab who has been serving as "therapy dog" at the Willowcrest Nursing Home since he was a puppy, died in agony Tuesday hours after his birthday party. A Slope Oak veterinarian said the doggie died as a result of being fed chocolate cake at his birthday party earlier in the day."Damn fool idiots," said Dr. Harlan Forest of the Forest and Sons Veterinary C Read more:Therapy
, Chocolate
, Birthday
Devastating Tornado Blamed on Slope Oak Man's Evil Statue 2008-05-29 09:28:52 Charlie Plinker, who lives up on 36th Ave. North in Slope
Oak, thought he was burying a good luck charm in the yard of his late mother's home in Porkton. Now, the survivors of the devastating tornado that leveled the small northeastern Iowa hamlet are blaming Plinker for bringing the wrath of God -- or "the gods" -- down on their community."Indra"-- Hindu God of Weather and War"I thought it was so Read more:Tornado
, Statue
"Danny's Dog Balls, Weenies and Foam" Opens, Closes Same Day 2008-05-28 12:53:19 "It seemed like a good idea at the time," said Danny
DeWitt, owner of the new "Danny's Dog Balls
, Weenies and Foam" eatery at 216 S. 4th St. in Slope Oak. "Hot dog meat, rolled into balls, soaked in BBQ sauce and served on a bun. Regular hot dogs for those who prefer the traditional shape. And root beer. What the hell is wrong with that?"After advertising the grand opening
70's 'Scary Movie' TV Show Host Dies in Ironic Fashion 2008-05-30 09:01:36 Terrence "Scary
Terry" Timberland, 68, host of the "Scary Terry's Dungeon of Terror and Movies" show that used to run on Channel 8 from 1971 to 1975, died Friday. Police say it appears the beloved TV host, who dressed like a medeval dungeon master and pretended to "torture" viewers with crappy movies like "Blood Feast," "The Seven Ghosts of Blood Gulch" and "The Wizard of Gore", died of inte Read more:Ironic
, Fashion
, Scary Movie
HUNKY DUNK NEWS, Vol. 1, Issue 4 2008-05-31 08:50:01 From the newsroom of the Slope Oak Herald, here's this week's HUNKY DUNK NEWS Podcast!In This Week's Edition:* "Dog Balls" Restaurant Opens, Closes Same Day* Tornado Blamed on Slope Oak Man's Evil Statue* 70s TV "Scary Movie" Star Dies in Ironic Fashion* Therapy Dog Dies After Eating Chocolate Cake on its Birthday
Science Teacher Still Teaching 10 Years After Death 2008-06-02 05:14:23 For nearly 40 years, Tigerton Jr. High School teacher Francis D'Marquis was known as one of the most intimidating members of the faculty. During the final year of his tenure, his rage manifested itself in fits of screaming anger, terrifying his 9th grade science students with shrieks of "If I hear one more sound out of your little monsters, the top of my head is going to pop off!" Read more:Science
, Teacher
, Years
Hunters Kill Trumpeter Swans: 'Thought They Was Gay Ducks!' 2008-06-03 07:07:20 Just minutes after the Iowa Department of Natural Resources released two pair of trumpeter swans at Elmer's Marsh near Low Dell, the beautiful, graceful birds were shot and killed by a pair of duck hunters. "We thought they was giant, gay ducks," said Mott Stumpman, 27, of Slope Oak."Me and my cousin Flip was sitting out in our blind, when we hears this godawful honkin' coming from Read more:Hunters
, Ducks
'Balloons in June' Fest Moves to September, Keeps Name 2008-06-05 10:59:44 The annual "Balloons
in June" festival has been moved to the Labor Day Weekend because of a scheduling conflict with this year's "Silly, Funny Clown Party and Parade." However, organizers say the event will retain the "Balloons in June" name for several reasons, not the least of which is the posters have already been made up."Besides, they ain't no word for September
or Labor Day that rhymes
Bank Raises $12.37 During Charity Burger Fry 2008-06-09 04:50:08 Calling Slope Oak residents "a bunch of goddamn deadbeats and cheapskates," Chester McClintock, President of the Slope Oak National Bank and Trust, curses the day he thought up a CharityBurger
Fry to raise money for local Slope Oak charities.Looking back, McClintock said the problem may lie in the wording used to describe the event. Advertisements for the fundraiser said participants would
"Heart Walk" Survivor Exposed as Fraud 2008-06-10 08:44:58 52-year old Jimmy McWherter walked further and faster than any of the 12 heart-attack survivors during Slope Oak's annual "Heart
Walk" on Tuesday. Yet, moments after being awarded the $25 gift certificate from Cap'n Jimmy's Pizza and Pies, McWherter was exposed as a fraud when the post-event EKG showed that he had a perfectly healthy, normal heart."People DIE during this thing every year," s
Hunky Dunk News: Vol. 1, Issue 5 2008-06-14 06:03:25 From the newsroom of the Slope Oak Herald, here's this week's HUNKY DUNK NEWS Podcast!In This Week's Edition:* Heart Walk Winner Exposed as Fraud* Bank Raises $12.37 in Charity Burger Fry* 'Balloons in June' Festival Moved to September, Keeps Name* Science Teacher Still Teaching 10 Years After His Death Read more:Hunky
EDITORIAL: Floods Are Bad! 2008-06-20 06:19:13 For the last week (or has it been longer? Frankly, I don't remember) the city of Slope Oak, Iowa, has been besieged by the Mighty Mississippi River which, as she does just about once each year, overflowed her banks and gave our blighted community its annual bath. So, what am I complaining about? This, that's what.There is folks out there who will use this annual tragedy -- like t Read more:Floods
3-Year Old Gilt Named "Miss Slope Oak" 2008-06-30 08:08:43 A three year old Hampshire gilt pig was named "Miss Slope
Oak" Sunday, beating out a solid group of local girls for the honor. "This ain't a beauty contest, it's a talent contest," said Abel Spotsman, one of the judges for the event. "And even if it was a beauty contest, that there's a pretty pig."Spotsman, whose own daughter April was a contestant in the pageant, said he figured he'd
HUNKY DUNK NEWS: Vol. 1, Issue 8 2008-07-20 06:26:31 In this week's podcast:SLOPE OAK DECLARES "BATMAN DAY" IN HONOR OF MOVIESKYDIVER RUINS WEDDING CEREMONY BY KILLING BRIDE, GROOMHELPER DOGS SCARE AND BITE AUTISTIC KIDSCASTRAGTED HUSBAND WANTS TO SEVER WIFE'S BLOG
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