Owner: I Serve Idiots URL:www.iserveidiots.com Join Date: Sun, 04 Mar 2007 09:49:40 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: I am a waiter and I serve idiots so you don't have to. Site statistics:Click here
We Don’t Rent Out Blankets, Sir. Not Now, Not Ever. 2007-03-03 23:02:22 Old Man: “It’s cold in here.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I just turned on the grill. It should heat up in here in no time.”
(Ten minutes later)
Old Man: “I’m still cold.”
Me: (Put hand above grill and feel that it’s hot.) Well, sir. The chef will be out in just a minute. When he starts cooking, the flames will get you nice and…”
Old Man: “Do you have any blankets I could borrow or rent?”
Me: “Uh…no…we don’t.”
(Ten minutes later. The chef has started cooking on the open grill at their table.)
Old Man: “It’s hot in here.”
We’ve got a frickin’ glacier for you to rent. How about that, sir?
Is it just me or are older people like frickin’ cold-blooded reptiles when it comes to restaurants. If it’s two below room temperature, their blood turns ice-cold in a matter of minutes. Two degrees higher? It’s a sauna, right?
I’ve heard tha
Why We Don’t Serve Coffee In Our Restaurant. 2007-03-01 20:26:22 Because the only asshats that want coffee are bitchy enough to argue with me, get mad and complain to management that I won’t serve it to you. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, you stupid frickin’ idiots. A secret so confounding to some and insulting to others that NO ONE ELSE HAS REVEALED IT UNTIL NOW. A secret as to WHY some restaurants have STOPPED SERVING FRICKIN’ COFFEE!
Are you ready? Are you surrrrrrrrrre? Here goes:
Everyone involved with the restaurant wants you in and out of your seat as fast as frickin’ possible.
(Gasp!)
The owner doesn’t care that you receive a tinge of happiness from your ordering a $1.99 cup of coffee with free refills and lounging around his or her restaurant. He doesn’t care that your “customer experience” is enhanced all that much more.
Why?
Because there’s a family of four waiting at the door ready to plunk down $100+ on dinner, drinks and dessert.
(Huzzah?!)
You’re the owner Read more:Coffee
You DON’T Want The Secret Sauce. Ever. 2007-02-27 21:17:06 Before I begin this post, I must admit, I liked our “secret sauce” before I started working at our restaurant. I didn’t slather it on every morsel of food I ate, mind you. But, I would always take a portion of it, put it in my fried rice, and eat. Simple as that. It was fairly creamy, and was a good alternative to all the salty soy sauces and bitter ginger sauces we have to offer.
What I witnessed the other night will force me to never, EVER eat our “secret sauce” ever again.
A morbidly obese woman made her way into our restaurant. Now let’s stop right there. When I see a somewhat overweight man or woman, the words “morbidly obese” don’t come to the forefront of my mind. I know we’re an overweight nation and for me to describe someone as “morbidly obese”, you’ve got to have a problem.
So the woman comes in, sits down and orders a couple of rolls of sushi. Nothing out of the ordinary yet, right?
When she gets
Yes. We Have The Non-Carbonated Soda, Ma’am. 2007-02-25 20:09:41 A table of eight was given to me two nights ago. As I approached the table and asked what they’d like to drink, I was asked a question I’d never been asked before (nor do I believe I’ll ever be asked again).
Her: “Before I order a drink, is your Coke carbonated?”
I thought she was trying to ask if our soda was a little flat, so I started to answer when I saw the woman next to her start cracking up. Oh, trying to play a joke on the old waiter, eh?
Me: “No, ma’am, we have non-carbonated Coca-Cola. Would you like a glass?”
Her: “No. You’d better give me the un-sweet tea.”
Now the woman next to her was chuckling even harder. Her face was a bright red and there were tears coming down her face as she tried to contain all the laughter she could.
Me: “Now you know, ma’am. The un-sweet tea is non-carbonated as well.”
Her: “It’s okay. At least now I’m prepared for it.”
Me: “Well, as
You’re Not Entitled To Anything But Quick Refills And Hot Food. 2007-02-22 21:06:20 Listen up, you stuck-up, douchey windbags under the age of 18 that enter my restaurant and frickin’ demand that I treat you with the respect and admiration I would treat the frickin’ Queen of England.
If you want to get treated like adults, ACT LIKE ADULTS.
The other night, I had a party of 8 teenagers come in. They all wanted sushi, but since we didn’t have any dining tables big enough for 8 people, we sat them at a larger table intended for grill use.
Because they said they wanted sushi (and not chef-cooked grill food) we obliged. As soon as they frickin’ sat down, some of them decided they wanted a chef to cook some of their meals.
Me: “Sorry, guys. We can’t do that. We only have three chefs on tonight and since you guys said you wanted sushi, it’ll be an hour and a half before a chef can come out here.”
Birthday Girl: “Well, it’s my birthday and I feel entitled to a chef coming out and cooking my food.”
I actually cr Read more:Quick
, Refills
Kids Say The Darndest Things (Updated). 2007-02-22 20:06:16 Note: I’m revising my last post in this entry for the simple fact that I keep forgetting you guys aren’t familiar with what city I’m in, where my restaurant is located in the city, the racial/cultural/economic boundaries in my city and, as a writer, that’s all my fault. I’ll try my best in the future to give you guys some decent background when I’m writing from now on.
Every now and again, a family will come in and bring their loud-mouthed son or daughter into the restaurant. And every now and again, they will say something so socially awkward, so incredibly uncomfortable, I have to remove myself from the table, print out a blank receipt and write it down.
Case in point:
A family of four came in. In the city I live, there are obvious boundaries in town in terms of economic and racial diversity. For example, in one part of town, the population “diversity” goes as follows:
1. 90% white
2. Small percentage of hispanics, blacks and asians.
I
Get My Own Napkins? Get Your Own Help Cleaning Up Your Mess, Sir. 2007-03-07 00:42:55 The other night, I had a dining table of two people. An older gentlemen in his late 50’s and a yuppy middle-class white guy in his 30’s.
I believe when I describe someone as a “yuppy middle-class white guy” we all know what I mean, right? These are the men that will overpay thousands of dollars on their house/car/television/prostitute yet they will argue with a cashier if they are overcharged 60 cents on a 200 dollar grocery bill all WHILE TALKING VERY LOUDLY ON THEIR FUCKING BLACKBERRY WHILE COLLEGE KIDS ARE BEHIND THEM ROLLING THEIR EYES BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET HOME IN EIGHT MINUTES FOR THE DALLAS MAVERICKS/MIAMI HEAT BASKETBALL GAME.
Their counterparts are the women that drive hummers with crappy bumper stickers and take three spots to park because their designer sunglasses and 300 dollar shoes got in the way. I’d say the women are worse, but what do I know? I have a penis.
Anyway, so the guy asks for a large bowl of shrimp sauce (which is frickin&rsqu Read more:Napkins
, Cleaning
Yes, I Am Calling You Out On Your Bad Tip In Our Elevator. 2007-03-09 04:06:21 The other night, for eight hours of work, I earned a total of $41. (It should have been $60, screw you, Mr. Han and your poker skills).
The reason, you ask? Because of a group of girls at a dining table that stiffed me. Flat out wrote “0.00″ on the line for the tip. It doesn’t get much douchier/bitchier than that, folks.
Ordinarily, I would have let it go by the time I got in my car to drive home. But these bitches had me running all over the restaurant for stupid shit like “waters with three lemons and plenty of Sweet and Low’s.” It’s a dollar and twenty-five cents, ladies. Pay the five quarters and have all the lemonade you want.
AND, if you’re going to run me ragged because you’re too cheap to buy lemonade, tip me. Anything! Hell, I would have been content with some change in the tip tray.
But not you ladies. Oh, no. It had to be a straight up “0.00″ on the line for my tip.
If you wanna play hardball, then we’l Read more:Calling
How To Be Served: Part I - A Guide To Tipping 2007-03-13 17:07:00 This weekend, I received this comment on my blog. Just scroll down to the very bottom and look for a user named “HazyJay”. The comment reads as follows (I edited the comment for grammatical purposes):
“One of the industry magazines did do a study on tipping. On average, blacks tip 13%. Whites tip 16.5%. While some of it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy (as in black people don’t tip well, so I will not give them good service) the majority of it is that 63% of black people surveyed were not aware of societal tipping rules as compared to only 30% of whites. Furthermore, after 16 yrs in the biz, I have found tipping is more of a class thing rather than a race thing. Poor people do not tip as well as rich/middle class people (although the rich will find more reasons not to tip) for good service and in this country there is a disproportionate percentage of the poor that are black.”
In short, I think it does a good job of explaining and defending why certain classes Read more:Guide
How To Be Served: Part II - Advice For All Ages 2007-03-14 17:45:38 This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.
Yesterday, I talked about some rules focusing solely on tipping. Today, I’d like to speak a little more broadly and focus on some general rules. You’ll find the advice in this column broken up categorically by age.
For the “12 and under” crowd: I think I can vouch for everyone here (server and servee alike) when I say that the volume of your child parallels exactly just how much we enjoy you and your child’s presence.
I’m a realist, moms. I understand that you and your husband need to get out of the house every once in a while and that sometimes babysitters fall through or you just can’t find one at the moment. I don’t expect everyone with a small child to not ever go out to restaurants.
What I do expect, however, is that your child not be running around the restaurant or be so disrupt
How To Be Served: Part III - Advice For Older Ages 2007-03-16 07:14:53 This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part II here or Part IV here.
Yesterday, I gave some advice concerning teenagers and toddlers. While it was useful, I doubt little Johnny comes home from kindergarten every day brimming with excitement as he browses the archives. And teenagers just generally suck.
Today, I’d like to speak to the two demographics that probably read my website more than any other demographic: “21 to 55 year olds” and “55 to dead year olds”.
For the young adults and adults alike (21-55 years old): You guys will find any excuse to make me run around like a chicken with its head cut off.
You are in the prime of your life. You’ve been contributing to society for some time now and you may even have kids of your own. If so, refer to Part II of this guide.
And because you’ve been a part of society for so long, you’ve been to restaurants qui
How To Be Served: Part IV - Common Stereotypes Servers Hold About Customers 2007-03-19 18:03:30 This is Part IV in a four-part series designed to inform the public on how to be better customers. You can read Part I here, Part II here or Part III here.
I warned you last week that this is the part of the series that gets a little dicey. Some might even go so far as to say that I’m being offensive or racist, but I genuinely don’t care. All I care about is bringing you the truth and I’m not going to veil it in false compassion or tolerance. If you are offended by what I say next then I suggest you look within yourself to ask why you’re offended. Is it because you’re an upstanding citizen that shudders at the thought of judgment, or is it because you truly do exhibit the stereotypes I’m about to describe.
The only thing I ask is that you read this in its entirety before jumping to any judgments or conclusions of your own. Here goes.
White People:
This is the general demographic I wait on the most and boy are you guys uppity. White people, on the who Read more:Common
, Stereotypes
It’s Probably Because I Have A Beard. 2007-03-22 16:04:58 Customer: “Hey, do you smoke?”
Me: “No. Why? Do I smell like sm…”
Customer: “You’ve uh…never smoked before?”
Me: “Seriously. Do I smell?”
(Other customers leave at the table)
Customer: “Listen. I’m gonna be real with you. Me and my husband are from out of town and we don’t have any on us.”
Me: “Any wh…oh. Okay. No, I don’t have any.”
Customer: “Really? You’ve never smoked?”
Me: “Yea. Why?”
Customer: “Well…you work in a restaurant. I thought you all did. Besides, you look like you smoke.”
To her credit, I had only gotten four hours of sleep the night before and was pretty out of it all night. Whatever. They tipped me pretty well even if they smelled like hemp and old socks.
Read more:Probably
Do You Customers Want It Fast Or Slow? 2007-03-23 18:53:45 Last night I was sat a family of four. The first thing the mother told me is, “Hey, we have a movie in a little more than an hour. We can order right away.”
“Okay,” I think. “I need to get these people their food as soon as possible so that they can eat it at their leisure and so they make the decision of when they leave.”
Sounds like something a decent and thoughtful person, much less a waiter would do, right? Not according to that bitch of a woman.
As I got their drinks from the back, I thought it best if I brought out their soups at the same time so as to save time for them.
Her: “You don’t have to rush us, you know.”
Me: “You said you had a movie to catch in an hour. I thought…”
The Husband: “At least give us a chance to take a sip of our drinks before you throw these soups in front of us.”
Me: “Where am I?”
So now I’m in this dilemma: Do I hurry their food out to them helping the
Ma’am, Put Your Breasts Away. You’re Scaring The Children. And Me. 2007-03-27 07:01:05 Me: “And, sir, can I get you something to (catch sight of breast swelling with milk being taken out for newborn infant) uh…drink?”
Random Guy: (Stares at breast)
Me: (Stares at breast)
Woman: “Here you go shmoopsie-poo.”
Guy: “I’ll have a…shmoopsi…Bud Light with a cold glass.”
Me: “Yea. Me too.”
Read more:Children
I Don’t Think A Lot Of People Know What The Word Racist Means. 2007-03-26 19:14:15 Where I go to college, we only get a four-day weekend for Spring Break. Because that’s not nearly enough time to have a decent vacation (and because my girlfriend was out of town), I decided to work every single night.
I didn’t make more than 65 bucks any of those four days. Sweet, huh?
Thursday night, the first of my four-day odyssey, I was seated a black family of five. Why do I care to mention that they were black?
Mother: “You don’t hafta give us these lil’ cups just cause weez black.”
Me: “What?”
Mother: “Racist
.”
It seems as though the only word the mother could articulate past a middle-school education was “racist”. Funny how that works out, huh?
A little backstory: Jay, our owner, accidentally made a mistake when he opened the restaurant and got two different-sized glasses. One holds 16 ounces, the other holds 12. As servers, we try to give the adults the larger glasses and the kids the smaller glasses. Sou Read more:Means
You Five Year Olds And Your Frickin’ Entitlement. 2007-03-29 21:24:01 They get younger and younger every day.
A five year old boy was drinking some pineapple juice the other day. I was out of the larger glasses (as this restaurant does quite frequently) and so I brought the precious little boy his juice in a 12oz glass instead of an (adult-size, mind you) 16oz. glass.
Sounds frickin’ harmless, right? Not to this five year old little shit.
Him: “Ummm…sir…why am I receiving a smaller glass than that of my parents?”
Me: (Shocked at his grammar and diction) “Oh, all the larger glasses are dirty. I’m sure that by your next refill the adult glasses will be…”
Him: “That is unacceptable.”
Me: “What?”
Him: “Take this glass (he hands me a cup from an adjacent table) and clean it. It’s not that hard.”
Are you frickin’ kidding me. I wanted to scream about how Santa wasn’t real and how the Easter Bunny would stab him in his sleep if he had the chance, but I
Violent Acres Catchphrase Contest. 2007-03-30 23:44:25 Sorry guys. The opportunity to show up on this lady’s website is too good to pass up. Here goes for my entry for your tagline, Mrs. V:
“I’m the bitch that laughed during ‘Schindler’s List’.”
Read more:Acres
, Contest
Contrary To Popular Belief, Windex Does Not Look Or Taste Anything Like Candy. 2007-03-30 19:33:30 Every now and again, I’m going to bring back an older post that many of you frequenting my site may not have had the opportunity to read. Here is one of them now:
I’m cleaning the lady’s bathroom two nights ago and as I’m Windex-ing the mirrors my manager, April, comes in and tells me the table I have is waiting for their check.
I leave the Windex on the sink and throw the paper towels I was using away. I give the table their check and am back in the bathroom in a matter of minutes. Who is waiting for me when I get back in there? An angry mother holding her child by the arm. Does it ever end with you people?
Angry Mom: “What do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “Sorry…I didn’t know anyone was in…”
Angry Mom: “No. I mean THIS!”
And then she points to the Windex bottle I had left on top of the sink.
Me: “Um. I don’t…uh…huh?”
Angry Mom: “What if my little girl had though Read more:Candy
My Worst Night At Work Or, How I Got Fired. 2007-04-02 02:40:49 Well, it was bound to happen eventually:
I got fired.
But, it was worth it. I suppose I took things a little too far when a customer, probably pushing 300, asked for her fifth bowl of secret sauce. That stuff is gross. She looked at me condescendingly as I told her that I “didn’t think her arteries could take it”.
She responded with “Why don’t you just give me the damn sauce and shut the fuck up about it.”
She wants sauce? I’ll give her sauce. I went in the back, filled a bowl to the brim and proceeded to “accidentally” spill everything on top of her. I then “accidentally” shook the bowl to get the remaining orange gunk on her flowery moo-moo.
Don’t say you want it unless you intend for me to give it to you, right?
My manager April came over, chewed me out and told me that I was fired. Fired
, eh? So I have nothing to lose, right?
There were some bitchy girls at a table that had been ignoring me all night. I took a Read more:Night
Gotcha. 2007-04-03 03:41:14 April fools. See you guys tomorrow.
Do You Have Chocolate Milk? 2007-04-05 07:00:15 A woman pushing 300 came in and sat down (I’m using the word “sat” very generously) at one of our dining tables.
Before I could tell her my name, she had a question for me. To go on with this story, we’re going to have to paint a very good picture of the beast I was having to deal with on the other end of this conversation.
Firstly, her tank top was far too short for her back as it revealed the dragon tattoo that went from her lower back and slithered its inky scales into her asshole. Think I’m kidding? I have witnesses.
Secondly, her voice. How to describe it. Okay, it wasn’t so much masculine or feminine as it was just…well, disgusting. Try and imagine a woman talking like that overweight kid on King of the Hill with a blond pony tail and a pig nose that’s always gasping for air and talking like he just walked up five flights of stairs (you guys have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?).
Whatever…here’s how the c Read more:Chocolate
I’m Throwing A Contest. It’s Like A Party Except With More Nudity. 2007-04-05 23:07:15 The next four words will BLOW YOUR MIND:
I’m. having. a. contest.
Yea, I know what you’re thinking. “Holy shit,” right? Or how about, “I’m going to go bat-shit crazy trying to win this thing.”
The rules of the contest are simple: You put a link to my site up on your site. It’s fairly easy to keep track of who sends me traffic and keep tallies accordingly.
If you don’t have a site, don’t worry…put a (clickable!) link up on your Facebook/Myspace/Whatever profile page. I can still keep track of the clicks.
At the end of the eligible month, whoever had the most people come to my site through your site/Facebook profile/Myspace profile wins a soon-to-be-determined-make-you-shit-your-pants-kind of PRIZE! (Prize will be glorious to Americans…right? NIIIIIICE!)
You can do anything to promote it. Send out emails, Facebook messages, etc… You just have to make sure that they visit MY site through YOUR site (so that I Read more:Contest
, Party
, Nudity
This Is For All The Christians Out There. 2007-04-09 05:05:31 Note: I don’t want to turn this into a pro- or anti-Christian debate. Personally, I can find the beauty in most religions/ways of life. Any comments that I deem offensive to ANYONE (fans of Marilyn Manson not included) will be deleted and I’ll have you banned from reading the site. In short, don’t be douches.
Happy Easter, boys and girls. In lieu of the day we use to remember Christ’s rising from the dead and participating in the world’s very first Easter egg hunt, I thought I’d share a story centering on those that made chocolate bunnies and marshmallow peeps a fixture in Western culture.
The other night I had a kindly old man and woman. They were pretty decent people and fairly good customers. They had a lot of questions, but they were nice about asking questions (i.e. not demanding answers).
At the end of the meal, the man said “Thank you so much for your service. Keep the change.” And then they were gone. Inside were two things:
1. A Read more:Christians
I’m Not A Fucking Dog. 2007-04-11 01:34:16 Dear 48 year old balding man,
I’m not a horse, dog, nor your best friend. I told you my name when I walked up to the table and introduced myself very politely. If you whistle at me one more time to get my attention, I’m gonna piss on your leg and dry hump your daughter.
I’d hump your wife too but she looks pretty weathered.
The name’s Ryan. You may also address me as “Sir” or with a concerned look while saying “Excuse me?”.
Sincerely,
Ryan
P.S. Go fuck yourself.
In other news, the CONTEST is starting today. You have one month to put your link on whatever site you have and link back as many times as you can to me. I’ll tally the votes at the end of the 30 days (May 10th) and contact the winner. Periodically, I’ll give you a breakdown of how everyone’s doing.
Visit here for the rules and regulations. (It’s short, trust me).
Meow. 2007-04-14 06:50:24 Last weekend, we had a party of older women and who I’m guessing were their grandchildren. They sat at one of those tables that seats anywhere from 8 to 10 people and the chef cooks in front of them.
When you get your meal cooked in front of you, the chef likes to talk to the customers. Joke, talk about where the customer is from, why they like their meat medium rare; stupid shit that gets a better tip for them and us.
A running joke among most of our chefs is to make the noise of the animal from where the meat came from (filet mignon: moo, chicken: cluck, etc…). When you get to the last person, you “meow” to imply that we’re serving you cat. Cute joke, huh?
Anyway, Kevin, one of our better chefs, does the joke every single night. People laugh every single night. Last weekend?
Kevin: (Passing out chicken) “Meow.”
Old Woman: “Excuse me?”
Kevin: “Oh, I’m just kidding around, you know?”
Old Woman: “There’
It’s Been All Night And He STILL Hasn’t Called. Typical. 2007-04-13 06:55:31 Every now and again, I’m going to bring back an older post that many of you frequenting my site may not have had the opportunity to read. Here is one of them now:
Let me tell you a little bit about what the restaurant industry does to a person: it makes them a racist/bigot/stereotype-ist. I hate to say it, but white people, on average, tip better than black people. Hispanics don’t tip at all. And the closer you get to death, the less you tip.
That’s why when I see a group of four or five old people, I groan. They are horribly bad tippers. Nothing you do changes your destiny. If the guy or gal uses Bengay, they’re tipping 8% or less. Guaranteed.
Of course, I get such a table early on in my shift tonight. Whatever. I’ve got another table of three thirty-year-old douchebags getting drunk on drinks I’d never even heard of so I figure my tips will even out.
The table of old people is surprisingly going smoothly so I’m not even really worried about Read more:Night
Proof That It’s Not Just Me. 2007-04-16 01:11:17 I would normally put other people’s stories in the “Reader’s Idiots” section but because this is a story about MY idiots at MY restaurant written by a friend of mine, I thought I’d share it with everyone. Just goes to show that I’m not just ridiculously intolerant and that douchebag-ery is sensed on a universal level. So here goes. Thanks for the story, Cary.
First off, you are never at work when I go there. You suck.
Secondly, my friend and I went last night and as soon as the these people came to sit down next to us, you could just tell it was going to be fun. The waitress comes up and asks for their drinks orders and the man goes, “I want water and we want the thing with the shrimp and . . . the shrimp and all the rice and stuff. We’re going share it.” He said this pointing to his suspiciously mail-order looking wife and 100% Caucasian daughter.
The waitress proceeds to tell him, as I know it says on the menu, that sharing isn’t allowed du Read more:Proof
If You’re A Waiter, You Should Take An Acting Class. 2007-04-17 16:57:03 For the year or so I’ve been at my current restaurant, I have been many things:
Serving a family of four from Boston? Oh yea, I have family in Boston. Near…uh…Quincy Market, I believe.
Party of five from Oregon? Yea…my grandparents are living in Portland. Love it there, when I have time to visit of course. Clean city.
Getting a high school football coach some sushi? I played two years of varsity football. Played center. Broke my foot in the next to last game my sophomore year.
Getting a high school baseball coach some sushi? I played on my college’s baseball team my freshman year. Fractured my foot on a stray fastball though.
Three guys getting drinks at the sushi bar? I hate it when my girlfriend makes me watch Sex and the City too.
Four girls at a dining table? Charlotte is definitely the cutest. Miranda’s my girlfriend’s favorite.
Older couple? I was a Methodist youth pastor in Western Florida for five months. Loved it there. Could really Read more:Acting
Oh, I’ve Got To Take This Call. Sorry. 2007-04-19 15:19:13 Me: “Hi there. My name’s Ryan. Can I get you someth…”
Wife: (cell phone rings) “Sorry, I have to take this.”
Husband: “Sorry about that. I”ll have a…”
Wife: (on phone, interrupting) “Oh my GOD. I cannot believe he dumped you over the PHONE!”
Husband: “…a coke.”
Me: “I’ll just come back in a second for her order.”
Husband: “Thanks.”
(30 seconds later)
Wife: “Yes, I’m ready to order now. I’ll have a…”
Me: (reaching into my pocket) “Oh, wait, sorry. I have to take this.”
Husband: “Hahahahahaha!”
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