Owner: I Serve Idiots URL:www.iserveidiots.com Join Date: Sun, 04 Mar 2007 09:49:40 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: I am a waiter and I serve idiots so you don't have to. Site statistics:Click here
I Am Sorry Your “Little Princess” Will Never Have A Boyfriend. 2007-09-26 16:44:44 Dear ma’am and sir,
I am sorry I had the audacity to say such a stupid fucking thing as “I’ll be right with you all” when you came in.
I am sorry I had three tables already. On a fucking Friday night, no less. Who would have mother-mcfucking thought?
I am sorry you were “disappointed as hell” in the way it took me three (yes, I timed it) minutes from when I said “I’ll be right with you” to “Hi, my name’s Ryan”.
I am sorry that the Diet Coke was not to your “liking”. I know how odd Diet Coke tastes in a Japanese restaurant as opposed to everywhere else in the world.
I am sorry that we do not have “chicken fingers and curly fries”.
I am sorry you didn’t see the Hooter’s right next door.
I am sorry we do not sell Cherry Coke.
I am sorry you “don’t think that cherry juice and coke would taste the same”.
I am sorry that you dress your daughter in baggy jeans.
I am so Read more:Princess
I, For One, Would Feel Weird Calling You Daddy. 2007-09-24 10:14:44 Before I begin, let me say it has been a pleasure reading each and every one of you all’s stories. I’ve gotten well over a hundred stories during the course of the eight-week contest. I’m still taking submissions for the Reader’s Idiots page. Go on over to the Do You Serve Idiots Too? page to read how you can get on that.
The eighth and final contest winner is a guy by the name of Tony. If you like his story, go on over and visit his site called TonyDine.
The restaurant was having one of our “Chef Dinners” - you know, special menu, special ingredients, all that. It’s a night that is almost always balls-to-the-wall busy. Crazy busy — no time for bullshit, no time for one table of assholes to fuck around and get you in the weeds.
I get the first table of the night. As the hostess is coming to tell me I’ve been sat, I think I notice a certain look she’s giving me, trying to give me, but I can’t confirm it. No time - more cu Read more:Weird
, Calling
, Daddy
An Open Letter To Central Florida. 2007-10-03 18:28:45 My dad travels a lot throughout the great state of Florida
and tends to eat out quite a bit. He stumbled upon some restaurant that had put up my four-part How To Be Served guide behind the bar or in the server’s hallway or something. I was just wondering if whoever did that could email me. I’d love to buy the manager a drink or something.
Thanks.
Read more:Letter
, Central
Would A Manatee Brake 4 Me? 2007-10-03 16:54:19 So as I’m walking out to my car after work, I see a mom getting into her car with her daughter. As they drove away, I saw a bumper sticker on the back of the car that read:
“I Brake 4 Manatee
s!”
Well, what the hell makes YOU so frickin’ special, Ms. Mom? Ever seen a manatee? Those fuckers are huge! If I saw one pressing the crosswalk button, you can bet your sweet ass I’d be coming to a screeching halt and giving that fucking sea cow the right of way.
P.S. Listen, lady. I didn’t mean to spill salad all over your son. You didn’t have to yell OR leave me a douchey tip. But, it’s not my fault he’s skating around on his roller-sneakers in a restaurant.
Better Luck Next Year. 2007-10-02 17:40:32 If a customer says it’s their birthday, then the servers are obliged to sing an off-key version of “Happy Birthday” just as the customers are obliged to sing as low as possible while still forming the words with their mouths. Usually, the customer informs one of us at the restaurant that it’s someone in their party’s birthday since we don’t automatically know people’s birthdays unless their name is Jesus or Martin Luther King. This one lady didn’t seem to think so.
Backstory: After a family’s dinner a few weeks ago, the mother took me aside and said, “You know, I’m very…I’m just very disappointed in this establishment.”
Me: “Why? What happened?”
Her: “Well, don’t you all do anything for birthdays?”
Me: “Yes. Whose birthday was it?”
Her: (Loud sigh) “My husband’s. I called on Wednesday.” (note: it was Saturday)
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. No one told me. Did you tell the hostess when you came in tonight?”
Her: “No, I thought ONE time would
How To Serve: Part III - Making The Customer More Comfortable 2007-10-15 12:48:20 This is Part III in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part II here, or Part IV here.
In the first part, I gave a couple of universal rules for all servers and in the second part, I went a little deeper into how a server could (rather should) look. Now that we have some basic rules on how to look and approach the table, I’d like to talk about what to do when you actually get there.
Customer
s aren’t some sort of sub-human species (for the most part). They’re people just like you and me. They like good wine, good food and good company. So why do you think they deserve less of your personality than your friends get after your shift down at the local bar? If anything, we servers should be putting our best face on when greeting these people. They’re not only walking out an hour later lighter in the wallet, they’re paying your rent and electricity bill.
I know I had a tough time with all of t
How To Serve: Part II - Personal Hygiene And Other Things Your Mother Should Have Taught You 2007-10-12 12:19:29 This is Part II in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part III here or Part IV here.
The other day I talked about some basic rules governing personal appearance in the restaurant and just how damned important it is. Today, I’d like to delve a little deeper than just how you look and give some advice on personal hygiene.
It should be common sense that personal hygiene is no more important than a job where you’re handling PEOPLE’S FUCKING FOOD, but obviously some people missed the boat on that.
Like just last night I had a server excuse himself to blow his nose. What’s the problem in that, you might ask? Well, he didn’t really excuse himself away from the table. He just blew his nose. In our direction. While we had our plates of food in front of us. He didn’t care to walk away or even have the common decency to turn his head, he just inhaled deeply and let that shit fly out of his no Read more:Personal
, Hygiene
Why I Hate New Jersey. Also, Know That If You’re From New Jersey, You’re Probably An Asshole And/Or You Probably Hate Me. 2007-10-11 23:22:59 A conversation from earlier this morning. I’m on the phone with a customer who thinks “customer” means “free-for-all to try and get in my panties” who has let me know that I don’t have to treat him like a “regular” customer because he is “special”. I can be “myself” with him.
Great. It’s going to be one of those days.
Customer: “Okay, so I will be in D.C. on Sunday…”
Me: “How lovely for you. Unfortunately we are closed on Sundays so you can’t stop by the office to pick up those products you ordered.”
Customer: “I was thinking that on my way home I could stop off to see a good friend. Namely…you.”
Me: “Um, sir, did you fail local geography?! Oh wait. you’re from Jersey
. I can’t hold it against you, I suppose. Or, I can and will and you can’t do anything about it.”
Customer: “What do you mean? That wasn’t nice eit Read more:Probably
How To Serve: Part I - A Guide To Dressing Yourself 2007-10-10 13:49:40 This is Part I in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part II here, Part III here or Part IV here.
Last March, I wrote a four-part series informing the public how to be better customers and filling them in on societal laws that govern the restaurant industry that they’re either blissfully ignorant of or just too fucking stupid to follow.
I took some time off from being a waiter to work on a lot of things. It’s my senior year of college and I’d raise my GPA, build a portfolio for when I go out into the “real world” and just plain have fun with my friends before I’m…well…never going to see them again.
I’ve got a lot more free time now, so I tend to eat out a little more frequently than before. And I’ve noticed one thing:
A lot of servers have no fucking clue how to serve a table.
So, just as I felt convicted to explain to the meathead-customers how to act in fucking publi Read more:Guide
, Dressing
, Yourself
You Don’t Always Get What You Wish For. 2007-10-05 16:11:31 I consider myself a reasonable man. That’s why when I bring out TWO plates of sushi for TWO customers and one of the customers asks for two plates, I get them two EXTRA plates. No questions asked, no funny looks.
But the other day I brought these two douches their two extra plates when the dad says, “Do you have any smaller plates?”
Me: “No, sorry. These are the only plates we have.”
Dude: “Are you serious?”
Me: “Yes. Why?”
Dude: “Well, my wife and I are REALLY in the mood for smaller plates…”
Here are some acceptable things people can (and should) get “in the mood” for:
1. A movie featuring jets and/or lasers
2. Star Wars
3. Chocolate anything
4. Teri Hatcher and/or pre-coked out Lindsay Lohan.
5. Music made between 1960 and 1979.
Here are some UN-FRICKIN’-ACCEPTABLE things people can and should get “in the mood” for:
1. Smaller plates.
Sweetheart, Could You Try And Recite The Alphabet For Me? 2007-10-04 16:47:00 A few weeks ago, a small, spoiled and overly-groomed creature came tripping into the dealership.
Tripping.
Apparently, the week before her parents had bought her a vehicle worth far more than the median income in the area. What was this momentous occasion? Why, graduating from high school of course! Way too go, sweetie! Maintaining that C- average! Passing high school! Such a accomplishment! And you’re not even knocked up!
As I passed her talking to one of our salespeople, I overheard her say:
“Yes! I’m getting ready to go to college and I want to study business!”
As she says this, she tosses her hair and laughs an annoying sort of bray, like a donkey on crack. And even though she is inside, she is hardly using her inside voice, littering all her sentences with exclamation points. Like! She just won! The lottery! And is giving! Her! Class! Campaign! SPEECH!
“Oh. What do I want to do?! I want to be a pharma… pharma… pharmaceutical rep!&rdq Read more:Sweetheart
, Alphabet
Sodom And Gomorrah Must Not Have Had Mr. Pibb Or Root Beer. 2007-10-19 12:00:44 Mom: “Do you all have any Mr. Pibb?”
Me: “No, ma’am…I’m sorry…all we ha…”
Mom: (interrupting) “What about root beer?”
Me: “No, but we ha…”
Mom: (interrupting) “Well, what do you have that’s close?”
Me: “Close?”
Mom: (yelling) “Yea! What tastes the closest to root beer in this godforsaken restaurant?!”
Me: “Sweet tea.”
I didn’t know that not carrying Mr. Pibb translated to God’s abandonment of us. It is the End Times, indeed.
How To Serve: Part IV - Between The Check And Their Ass Hitting The Door 2007-10-18 18:03:28 This is Part IV in a four-part series designed to inform servers on how they’re fucking up. You can read Part I here, Part II here, or Part III here.
Okay, you’ve tucked in your fucking shirt, you’re making up some bullshit story to an ex-baseball player about how you injured your tibiscus miniscus remula something or other. Good job! You’re doing what the 95% of us competent servers out there would see as the equivalent of rubbing your stomach and patting your head at the same fucking time.
Again: Good job! Your mom wasn’t lying when she said you were special.
Now the customer is winding down in their dinner. When do you give them their check? When is it appropriate to take up their plates? What about their glasses? All of the things you shouldn’t do were exemplified when I was at a restaurant a long, long while ago in a galaxy far, far away . I was in the middle of a discussion with a ladyfriend of mine and the server asked if I needed anything el Read more:Check
, Hitting
My Favorite Was The One About Me Walking In On The Father With His Pants Around His Ankles With His Kid In The Stall. 2007-11-17 00:06:16 I have to tell you, I’ve written, re-written and then re-re-written this post a dozen times. Why is it such a big deal to get it right?
I’ve gotten a lot of emails, Facebook messages, Myspace messages all asking where I’ve been these past month. Am I done writing these stupid little stories about my day?
When I write these stories, I paint myself as a shmuck. My friend Marilyn has pointed it out to me for the past few months. My ex-girlfriend Stephanie always told me “you’re not the same guy who writes these things on that site. They’re funny, yea, but I’m glad I date you and not him.”
She’s right. They’re both right. I used to justify writing on this thing as therapy through a writing exercise. I bitch and bitch and make it as funny as I can. And hell, I’ve got an audience to keep me in check. If my writing becomes sloppy or if I’m not making you all smile, I’m going to hear about it a dozen times that day.
Read more:Favorite
, Walking
, Father
, Pants
, Stall
Personally, I’d Rather Have Pomegranate-Flavored Vodka. 2008-03-11 11:16:36 Thanks goes out to James VanMeter from Ohio for sending the following story.
I have been in the service industry from the age of 15, starting out hosting and then bussing and so on. Now, 11 years into the industry, I’m 26 and a bartender at the hottest bar in Ohio.
It’s a humungous club that frequents [...] Read more:Rather
, Pomegranate
This Isn’t The North Atlantic And I Don’t Accept Wampum. 2008-03-10 15:34:20 Recently, in a nearby town, there was a “Biker Week”. Think what would happen if you sold bar-b-que and Harley products outside of a Wal-Mart and you’ve got the kinds of people who showed up to this thing.
And as a result of the “Bike Week” we had some interesting men and women show up to [...] Read more:North
, Accept
And When I Ask For A Customer I Don’t Expect A Bitch. 2008-03-06 15:53:39 I was going to write a great post about how for the last week I’ve been giving people who ask for Coke, Diet Coke, and vice versa, but I’ll save that for later. Here’s a post about the type of lady who probably voted to get Hilary the wins in the Texas and Ohio primaries [...] Read more:Customer
, Expect
, Bitch
It’s Bartender Week, Bitches. 2008-03-03 17:12:04 I put this post up and hastily titled it “A Bonus For All The Bartenders Who Read My Blog.”
I’ve gotten a few dozen emails since I put that thing up from bartenders all over the country. Maybe I’ve been linked in a couple of bartender blogs or something. Whatever it is, keep them coming. I [...] Read more:Bitches
Little People, Big World 2008-02-28 13:06:48 Sometimes, I’m the idiot.
Tonight was incredibly fast and as a result, didn’t have time to think before I said or did things. I was acting on pure instinct and ritual, which with someone like me (see: jackass) is not a good thing.
I was sat a couple. The man was a literal dwarf. He stood three [...] Read more:World
A Bonus For All The Bartenders. 2008-02-26 22:24:41 Male Customer (most likely a bro): “Can I get a Jack Daniels and whiskey? It’s my birthday.”
Me: “A…uh…what?”
Male Customer: “A Jack Daniels and whiskey, dude. How hard could that be?”
Me: “About as hard as making a Crown Royal and rum. Dude.” Read more:Bonus
So It IS The Parent’s Fault. I’ve Always Wondered. 2008-03-13 10:45:34 Last night at work, there was this little douchebag kid who looked like he’d been home schooled by an equally douche-y mom. (Not to say home schooled kids are bad as I have really good friends who were home schooled from kindergarten to 5th or 6th grade and they’re cool as hell…they’re all just much [...] Read more:Parent
, Fault
You Seven-Year-Olds And Your Frickin’ Entitlement. 2008-03-16 20:40:34 Customer service in America is nearly impossible.
In America, there is a sense of entitlement that is unmatched by any other country in the world. Americans believe that America is the greatest country in the world, so naturally Americans believe they are the greatest PEOPLE in the world and deserve the greatest SERVICE in the [...] Read more:Seven
Your Daughter Doesn’t Want Cherries, Ma’am. You Do. 2008-03-20 15:51:58 Children can be a whiny, needy bunch. But is it just me or are parents using that to their advantage? Every day, I notice that more and more parents are exploiting the fact that we servers will hop to it when a little kid wants a refill or an extra side.
I absolutely love it when [...] Read more:Daughter
, Cherries
Yes. We Have Non-Carbonated Soda. It’s Right Next To The Dr. Pibb and Sprute. 2008-03-19 18:26:30 A table of eight was given to me two nights ago. As I approached the table and asked what they’d like to drink, I was asked a question I’d never been asked before (nor do I believe I’ll ever be asked again).
Her: “Before I order a drink, is your coke carbonated?”
I thought she was trying [...] Read more:Right
I Am Homeless. 2008-03-24 16:07:29 I’m in the public library in my town typing this. I’m homeless until Friday afternoon. Expect a great story next Monday. Read the random posts at the top of the page.
If you pray, pray.
Love,
Ryan
Sleepless In St. Augustine: Homelessness and Injustice in the Nation’s Oldest City. 2008-04-01 20:26:58 This is my second draft. If you guys are willing to read the whole thing, let me know where I can improve this. Thanks, Ryan.
It is hours before sunrise on Wednesday morning and I am awakened by two raccoons crawling all over me.
I rip my sleeping bag off my shivering body, bolt out of my [...] Read more:Augustine
Why I Wrote The “Homeless” Article. Or, What’s Wrong With Our Generation. 2008-04-04 01:14:12 Because of this, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback. Thank you all for the suggestions. They’ve been duly noted.
People are all about talk in our generation…especially in our American evangelical setting. There’s bible studies every day of the week, conferences, lectures, books…you want to hear someone talk about God or if you want to read [...] Read more:Article
, Wrong
, Generation
Something For You As I Walk To My Graduation Ceremony. 2008-04-26 08:02:40 Spring Broke: Taking it to the streets
More stories soon. I promise. Graduating, finals, fundraising for a non-profit, securing freelance journalism jobs and moving can take its toll on a man.
Love,
Ryan Read more:Ceremony
An Apology And An Explanation. 2008-06-01 22:41:15 I wrote a post here a month or two back chastising Christians for talking about beliefs instead of living out faith. I wrote it in a bitter and sarcastic mood when I was feeling downright volatile towards the Church (the “Church” being the universal body of believers).
For that, I am sorry.
For 22 years, I’ve been [...] Read more:Apology
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