Owner: I Serve Idiots URL:www.iserveidiots.com Join Date: Sun, 04 Mar 2007 09:49:40 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: I am a waiter and I serve idiots so you don't have to. Site statistics:Click here
Looks Can Be Deceiving, Douchebag. 2007-04-24 05:47:30 Old Man: “You don’t look Japanese. Can we get a different server?”
Me: “You don’t look Japanese. Can I get a different customer?”
Read more:Looks
Mr. Han: Not Nearly As Uncool As Once Thought. 2007-04-23 04:39:25 Every now and again, I’m going to bring back an older post that many of you frequenting my site may not have had the opportunity to read. Here is one of them now:
Everyone at work smokes. So, naturally, I pretend I do to have an excuse to go out back every hour or so for a few minutes to get away from the people demanding sprinkles and coffee (which we don’t have, lady).
Anyways, I go outside and our new head sushi chef, Mr. Han, is out there smoking a cigarette. He used to work only one or two days a week, but our head sushi guy (i’m not kidding) got sick of America and decided to go back to South Korea. Way to weigh your options, pal.
As I walk outside, Mr. Han taps me on the shoulder, points to a jet in the sky and says “Plane.”
“Yea. It sure is,” I reply.
He then pantomimes jumping out of an airplane, points to himself and says, “Me. Uh…South Korean special forces.”
Me: “You jumped out of planes? How many times?”
Read more:Nearly
You Want A Happy Story? I’ll GIVE You A Happy Story. 2007-04-21 17:37:13 Over the weekend, I’ve gotten several emails (yes, I do read them) and comments (yup, those too) telling me among other things that I’m a:
1. “bitter old man” (I’m 21, you douches)
2. “sad sad littlew man that shouldn’t be working at a restarant if i dont like it!” (they forgot “literate”)
3. “pissed off douche bag only writing these stories because im not a good enough waiter to get decent tips” (I’ll forgive the forgotten apostrophe)
As far as Number 1 and 2 are concerned, my girlfriend can vouch for the fact that I will sometimes 1) act like an old man and 2) am bitter.
As far as Number 3 is concerned, I thought I’d shove this little story down your throats so that you can all eat your own shit.
Last night, I was sat a table of 10. Eight adults, two children. “Sweet,” I think to myself. “I’m going to be able to automatically put an 18% gratuity on their check as per our policy Read more:Happy
You’d Think Growing Up In Russia Would Force Someone To Learn Not To Leave Their Jackets Lying Around. 2007-04-28 21:18:00 Last week, I had a Russia
n family of four that looked like they had just jumped off the last potato wagon coming to America. The father had the thickest Russian accent I had encountered in my time at my Japenese restaurant and the mother had an even thicker aroma of vodka coming from lips. The family huddled around their bowls of fried rice like they were bonfires in downtown Moscow on a winter night.
And if this family is indicative of Russian hospitality it’s no wonder Hitler turned his back on those guys halfway through World War II. This family was beyond rude. “Is dis ze only vod-KA you have?! That is incomprehensible!” They rang up a bill of 65 dollars and tipped me two.
Listen, guys. You went to space first. You developed nuclear weapons and built a civilization on a huge sheet of ice. I know you guys can figure that’s no better than a 3% tip.
As they left, my manager April informed me that one of them had left their jacket. My initial reaction was to thr Read more:Growing
, Force
, Leave
, Jackets
, Lying
Why Husbands Cheat On Their Wives. 2007-04-24 19:13:34 In our restaurant, we get a lot of “regular couples”; men and women that come in at least once a week, sit at the same table and order relatively the same thing.
We have a “regular couple” that sits at the sushi bar every Friday just about. The man has a ponytail longer than Barbie’s and the wife is always drunk and kissing on her husband like Mr. Ed on Wilbur Post.
Well, only one half of the “regular couple” came in: the husband. He was escorted by a woman that, in her 30’s probably looked mightily hot but in her late 40’s looked like she had a leather wallet for a vagina. Her face was torn up from all the cigarettes she’d smoked and her forehead was in complete juxtaposition to the rest of her wrinkled body from what I’m guessing was three-too-many Botox injections.
In short, she was ugly. Sadly she looked better than his wife.
As they sat down, our waitress who had served there the longest, Sami, came up and asked me: Read more:Husbands
, Cheat
Dude, You Work Next Door. How Are You Gonna Dine And Dash? 2007-05-01 06:41:48 We are a small restaurant (when compared to giants such as Applebee’s, Chili’s and Outback). Our maximum occupancy is somewhere just above 100. (Go and count how many people are at Red Lobster next time you’re there.)
That said, we remember a lot of faces. It’s easy when you only see 150 of them any given night. And regulars are even easier to remember. We have a limited menu and they usually order the same thing. It’s hell remembering John Smith for his name but if you ask me how many helpings of shrimp sauce that dude wants, I won’t even blink before I tell you “three”.
My co-worker, Sami, had a gentleman (and I use that term loosely) sitting all alone at one of our hibachi tables. He had applied to be a chef six months prior but had been rejected for two reasons:
1. He couldn’t cook to save his life.
2. He couldn’t do knife tricks to save his life.
He thought is was because:
1. He was black.
We’ve got three chefs: one Read more:Next Door
You Frickin’ Hippies And Your Logic. 2007-05-02 08:41:05 Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of emails about this whole “Gas Out” day scheduled for May 15th of this year. Surprisingly, most of them have gone like this:
“Put this on your website because we want lower gas prices and you get a lot of people every day to visit your site and we want LOWER GAS PRICES!!!1!! GO GATORS!”
I’d tell you the email address of the guy who sent that, but that’s just cruel. Suffice to say, it had the words “bro” “surfer” and the numbers “1″ “6″ and “9″ in it. If you’d like to thank him for ringing the bell of truth in my inbox, you are more than welcome to shift those around and try ‘em out.
I’ve even gotten chain messages on Myspace, group invites on Facebook and random IM’s from the “babicake”’s and “sexycalikitten”’s of my AOL buddy list.
Let me just reply to all of you with this:
You stupid fucking Read more:Hippies
, Logic
That Eighth World Is Hell, Man. Trust Me. 2007-05-05 02:11:59 Husband: “Get me a Bud Light and make it snappy.”
Me: “Excuse me? Is there something wrong, sir?”
Husband: “I’ll talk to you however I wish. Do you know who I am? Do you know what I’ve done?”
Me: “No. Not really.”
Husband: “I made millions in the stock market last year alone.”
Me: “And I finally beat Super Mario Brothers 3 last night. So what?”
Read more:Eighth
, World
Don’t Get Used To This, Girls And Boys. 2007-05-08 20:13:34 I don’t think I’ve done this in the near-year I’ve had this website up, but I think it’s finally time to put my writing to good use.
I’ve been writing stories about idiots for some 10 months now, and my traffic has increased every month. I’m now preaching to a congregation of 4,000 unique visitors a week and receiving 50,000 page views a month.
As much as I know you love my rants and raves, there’s other things I’m completely up in arms about.
It’s what Christians would call “conviction”, I guess.
That’s why I want to tell my thousands of visitors to go to this site:
www.savedarfur.org
With every visitor and page view, it’s legitimacy and exposure is heightened that much more.
We can organize pointless frickin’ Gas Outs and cry to our Mothers and Fathers when Facebook tweaks its layout.
Just think: We get our panties in a twist about Darfur just half as much as we do when Jessica Simpson starts dating Read more:Girls
I Always Thought Japanese Seafood Was An Aphrodisiac. 2007-05-07 07:17:34 A few weeks ago, a couple clearly on the rocks came in and sat at a dining table. They were far from any and all distractions. Maybe this, one or both of them thought, is what we need: a quiet night out to get back to the roots of our relationship. Perhaps this dimly-lit corner will rekindle something.
They looked to be in their early or mid-20’s. The price of the meal, sadly, will give away an individual’s age faster than their appearance.
I treated them just like I treat every other couple that chooses to sit away from everyone else even though there’s plenty of tables on the main floor: with inner-discontent but outward-peppiness. It would be so much more convenient for them to sit five feet from my other tables, I’d think.
As I dropped off their dinners, I made eye contact with both of them. It was merely subconscious (who looks away from someone when you ask “Who had the Filet Mignon?” and they meet your face) but looking back on it, there was s Read more:Japanese
P.S. 2007-05-11 08:28:45 I changed my email address. I’ve been having some problems getting some people’s emails (as evidenced by Strip Club Server) and yet, I still receive emails on a regular basis from others (as evidenced by you jackasses that still believe I’m making up all the stories on the site).
And The Winner Is… 2007-05-11 07:41:11 …STRIP CLUB SERVER!
Congratulations, random titty-bar waitress from somewhere in the heart of these United States. I suggest that if you have not visited her website yet, you do so. Very funny, very respectable writing. Whoever owns this website, please email me (look on the contact page) and get in touch with me. We’ll negotiate the prizes through there.
And onto other news, I’ve been holding this back for some time now, but today marks exactly 30 days before I quit my current restaurant and go down a different path.
Don’t worry, however, because I have plenty of stories in my archives. Plenty. In fact, with my change of plans come June, I’ll actually have more time to spend on the website, making the stories better, and adding a few features that I think you guys will like.
But because I’m quitting in a month, I thought this the best time as any to introduce my NEW CONTEST!
My last day of work is Saturday June 9th. With the direction my life is he
You Ladies Are A Peculiar Bunch. 2007-05-10 19:53:26 Let’s go back a few entries.
A few days ago, I posted this.
I’ve inserted my own girlfriend into a few posts. She’s joked about racist puns, pointed out how great Anne Hathaway’s boobs are and got me into the service industry to begin with.
That being said, we are no more.
Why am I telling you this? So you don’t think me a jackass when I tell you the following story.
Last night, I was finishing up with my tables. At 9:30, a party of four comes in. One guy, three girls all between the ages of 21 and 27. Of course, I am seated them. Just great. They’ll probably order two sushi rolls and stay until midnight.
The alpha female of the group was Amanda, a 27 year old woman. She wasn’t beautiful, but she had a cute face and a lot of energy. That, and she thought she could match wits with me. Usually, this would annoy the hell out of anyone. I find it very attractive in a woman when she challenges me and thinks she can win.
Me: “Hey guys, my name& Read more:Bunch
It’s A Restaurant, Not A Library. 2007-05-09 19:46:10 It’s been pretty rainy the last few days where I live and therefore business has been entirely way too slow. And I don’t mean the “Oh, I only made 20 dollars less than I usually do” kind of slow. No, no, no. I mean the kind of slow where I get sat my first table 90 minutes into my shift and it’s a 19 year old blonde with a book and a temperamental attitude.
So she sits down and is nice enough at first. She smiles, says “thank you” when I drop off her soup to start her meal and asks for things with words like “please” and “may I bother you for a (fill in the blank)”.
But as the night wears on and she’s finished her Vegetable Dinner (who goes to a Japanese Steakhouse for a Vegetable Dinner?) she pulls out a notebook and starts highlighting her book as if she’s studying in the restaurant.
It’s slow and there’s only one other table around her, so I could really care less how long she stays or what she Read more:Library
I'm Pro-Not Telling Anyone Anything Ever Again. How About That? 2007-05-14 19:33:12 Every now and again, I’m going to bring back an older post that many of you frequenting my site may not have had the opportunity to read. Here is one of them now:
What is it about people that make them want to know the personal, spiritual and political beliefs about the people carrying out their Mello Yello? When I go to McDonalds, I don’t answer the frickin’ dude behind the counter’s question of “Do you want fries with that?” with “Do you think Social Security should be privatized?” Or “How about a nice, hot apple pie?” with “What’s your position on gay marriage?”
Customers, I’m in your lives a good hour a month. The guy you sit next to on the bus for work probably knows more about you than I do. So then why do you have to know things about me? In can only lead to trouble when you ask your server a personal question and he (dimwittingly) answers with a personal response.
Case in point: Tonight, I was s Read more:Telling
, Anyone
, Again
Out Of Town For A Week. 2007-05-15 19:59:11 It’s my friend John’s wedding. Out of town until next Monday.
In the meantime, go to the CONTEST page and SUBMIT YOUR IDEA BY JUNE 9TH!
And read the links on my blogroll. It’s all pretty rad reading.
You Want A Reservation For When? 2007-05-20 19:31:00 John’s wedding was pretty much the most frickin’ amazing thing ever. Here’s a few of the highlights:
1. Only getting three red tickets for one free drink each. Then proceeding to steal blue tickets off of 60-year-old’s tables for unlimited drinks.
2. The YMCA. Trashed.
3. Kissing the hand of a majorly hot mom.
4. Her boyfriend giving me “the look”.
5. Every single one of my friends laughing at me.
6. The groom cracking up at the altar.
7. Me being the cause of it.
I went back to work today and it wasn’t long before I found myself talking to an idiot. The phone at the hostess stand started ringing. Our manager April was nowhere to be found so I answered it.
Me: “[Name of restaurant]. Ryan speaking. How may I help you?”
Voice: “I’d like to make a reservation for ten.”
Me: “Okay. What day?”
Voice: “Thursday, October 18th. Is 6pm okay?”
No, that is not an exaggeration. The douche wanted a reserv Read more:Reservation
I’m Driving To The Wedding In Literally Five Minutes, But… 2007-05-19 17:19:03 I want every single one of you to visit this site:
Tinfoil Viking Science
He linked to me a little while back, I finally read his stuff and he is a damn good writer. The Valentine’s Day post is killer.
Be back on Monday.
Read more:Driving
Long-Distance Relationships Are Difficult. 2007-05-21 13:37:02 Our head cook, an immigrant from Mexico named Jorge (pronounced “whore-hey”), is a good man in many senses of the word. He works six days a week to send money back to his family in Mexico. He could work four days and keep it all for himself and live comfortably, he says, but that’s not how he was raised. Some call it “the struggle”. I guess there’s no better way to describe it.
Because he relies on the money so much and taking care of his family back in Mexico is so important to him, he doesn’t have the time to take a few days and visit them every once in a while. He said it’s been two years since he saw his family. From the way he carries himself, you’d think it was less. When you hear him speak of them, you’d think it was more.
Since I started working there over a year ago, he and I would talk about his family back there, especially his girlfriend. Whenever he’d speak her name, his eyes would light up and for just a fe Read more:Relationships
Unless It’s The Beatles, I Don’t Care. 2007-05-25 11:46:55 The other night, I got a group of boys and girls that made it their mission to piss me off as much as possible.
Thinking they were better than everyone else in the restaurant (as teenagers are wont to do) one young man wanted a beer. When I asked him for his ID, he responded with, “Dude, don’t you know me?”
All of his girl friends giggled as if he was some important dude. To me, he was just another metrosexual-looking douche with Fallout Boy-hair, a lip-ring and jeans that looked like my little sister couldn’t even fit into.
Me: “Uh…know you? Do you go to (name of my school)?”
Him: “Naw, man. I’m in Bury The Hatchet. We play around here all the time.”
Me: “A band?”
Him: “Yea. I play drums.”
Me: “Unless you can show me an over-21 ID or you’re John Bonham’s grandson, you’re not getting a beer.”
Him: “John Bonham? Who’s John Bonham?”
Me: “Are you kiddi Read more:Beatles
So I Gave A Guy A Thumbs Up. Big Deal. 2007-05-24 20:51:03 April (My manager): “Hey, can these two move to another table? They have some friends over there and want to sit next to them.”
Customer: “Yea, it’s nothing against you, it’s just that we…”
Me: “Dude, it’s alright. I’d do the same thing.”
(They leave)
Female Customer at table: “I thought that was very rude.”
Me: “Uh…huh?”
Wife: “The way you and your manager talked about them in front of them.”
Me: “I…uh…don’t get it?”
Wife: “And you gave them a thumbs up when they left. Very rude.”
Me: (Confused)
Wife: “And that LOOK you’re giving me! That’s rude TOO!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m giving you the same look your husband is.”
Wife: “You can’t back me up just once, can you?”
Husband: “Check, please.”
Read more:Big Deal
Even Servers Have To Use The Bathroom. 2007-05-28 13:39:18 Me: (In the bathroom, washing my hands)
Customer: “Oh, wow. Sorry.”
Me: “No, it’s okay. I’m almost done washing my hands.”
Customer: “You shouldn’t do that on the clock.”
Me: “Do what?”
Customer: “Be in the bathroom washing your hands.”
Me: “I think the people I just dropped food off for might disagree with you on that one.”
Finally, An Honest Answer. 2007-05-29 22:37:34 At my restaurant, our manager April encourages us to ask the customer if we or the chef did something wrong if we receive an incredibly low tip or are stiffed. And I’m not talking 5%-low…I’m talking 2 dollars on a $100 tab.
Most of the time, the family feigns ignorance and thinks that the tip is included. Other times, they think they left an extra 20 and promptly drop a Jackson to rectify the problem. Very rarely is the family upset with something the restaurant did.
Last week a family of five orders up over $100 worth of food and then leaves $103 in tip book and says, “Keep the change.”
They stay a few extra minutes so I take this opportunity to ask if anything was wrong. In truth, I’ve only asked a customer about the tip two or three times.
So I walk up to the table with a smile on my face and not a trace of frustration in my voice.
Me: “Hey, guys. Was there anything wrong with the chef or my service tonight?”
Father: “No, why?&r Read more:Finally
…And I Don’t Serve Ignorant Douchebags That Often. 2007-06-04 14:20:52 (I return to a table with their cash change in one of those tip trays.)
Man: “Hey, can we have some to-go cups for our Sweet Tea’s before we go?”
Me: “Sure.”
(I come back with to-go cups and notice there is no money left in the little tip tray.)
Me: “Hey, guys. Was there anything wrong with the food or the service tonight?”
Man: “No. Why?”
Me: “Oh…well…”
Man: “We don’t tip that often.”
Woman: “Yea.”
Me: “What?”
Man: “We don’t really tip all that often.”
Me: “Well, then I don’t give out to-go cups all that often.”
(I take the to-go cups. Bam.)
Read more:Douchebags
, Often
We No Longer Have The Early Bird Special. Get Over It. 2007-06-02 01:13:47 Me: “Hey, guys. My name is Ryan. Just to let you know, we no longer have the Early
Bird Special
that we used to have. It’s now Terriyaki Beef and Chicken with rice, vegetables and noodles for $13.95 until 6pm.”
Woman: “But we came just for the Early Bird!”
Me: “You came just for the three dollars off every meal?”
Woman: “Yes! What would you say if I said we were going to leave this instant?”
Me: “Have a nice night?”
They ended up staying, ordering 100 bucks worth of food and tipping me 20 dollars. Eat it.
My Last Day At Work. 2007-06-10 23:32:10 I’ve been a server for a little over a year now. Sadly, my last day wasn’t much different from the other couple of hundred I’ve worked.
Except for the fact that I started taking a shot every twenty minutes starting on my first table at 4:34pm, mind you (thanks Jessica L. from California). Oh, and thanks Marybeth for driving me to and from work in the event that I blacked out on my last day and needed a ride home.
Because of the alcohol in my system, around 6pm (six shots in) I feigned gay at my fifth table (thank you, FulMinty…I also tried your “jazz hands” and “spirit fingers” suggestions).
It was right around this time that my boss April saw what I was doing with the vodka and used phrases like “oh, hell no” and “put that back in your fucking car”. What are you gonna do, fire me, April?
Before my buzz wore off, (thanks to Katrina Troy) I sad the word “meow” a good forty-nine times at a table before I
What’s That? Excuse Me? I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Hear You. 2007-06-09 09:38:59 Firstly, I’d like to say that I am very grateful for all the suggestions my readers have emailed me. Tonight will be a night to remember.
Secondly, because I only have the weekend left, I have found that it is rather easy to be short with people that deserve it. For example, a table with two twenty-something girls at it:
Me: “Hey, my name is Ryan. Can I get you all something to drink?”
Girl 1: “Sure, I’ll have a Diet Coke.”
Me: “And for you, ma’am?”
Girl 2: (On the phone. Oblivious to what’s going on.)
Me: “…”
Girl 1: “I’m sorry about her. Jennifer, what do you want to drink?”
Girl 2: “Oh…umm…I haven’t even looked at the menu yet.” (Back to talking on the phone.)
Me: “I can just bring her a Diet Coke too.”
Girl 1: “Thanks.”
Before I continue this story, what is it with you fuckers (mostly women, but it’s some men too) and talking Read more:Excuse
Things You Shouldn’t Do In Life: #1 - Snort Sake 2007-07-04 15:47:46 First off, let me begin this post with thanking each and every one of the people who shot emails/Facebook messages/Myspace friend requests my way while I was on tour for the last near-month. Every time I had some downtime, I went to my laptop, opened up my email and was encouraged by the literally hundreds of people that expressed their sadness over not getting to read about my dealings with idiots for a whole month. For all of that and more, I thank you.
I decided (probably against my better judgment) to leave my contact info on the right sidebar, so if any of you want to share a drink sometime in the near future, shoot me an email.
Back to the idiots.
One night, I was serving some “bros” at the sushi bar. For those of you not familiar with “bros”, let me break it down for you:
#1: They are always popping their collars. Always. And said-collars are always attached to some ridiculously-colored polo shirt. Where exactly do you find your Robin’s-egg-blue shi
You Can’t Judge A Book By How Much Change He Gives To Homeless Black Men. 2007-07-07 21:58:56 My city is overrun (and no, that’s not exaggeration) with homeless people. Anyone who goes to school with me or lives in my city will vouche for that. It’s not hyperbole, people. Our city has one of the highest homeless to home…uh…home-ful?…populations in the country.
On my way to work one afternoon, I was accosted (again, no exaggeration) by a black homeless man at a stoplight. It was a hot day, so I had my window rolled down. “Unfortunate” for him, I suppose, as I’m not prone to giving away money every hour of every day.
As he comes up to the window, I turn my music down as to not be too terribly rude to the man when I refuse to give him money. He asks for some spare change and I honestly had none. All I had was a twenty and some tens and I’ll be damned if he’s getting that.
He then utters a phrase for which I have the perfect retort:
“Man…you just doin’ that ’cause I’s black. Why you gotta Read more:Judge
, Change
, Black
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