Owner: I could kill her URL:http://icouldkillher.com Join Date: Sat, 10 May 2008 22:03:28 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: A dirty, edgy funny blog about what happens when a single, slightly slutty party girl loses her bestfriend to marriage and motherhood. Site statistics:Click here
*** WARNING – ANOTHER NOT VERY FUNNY POST – AND KIND OF SAPPY – DEAL WITH IT. 2008-05-10 13:53:47 I’ve never considered myself to be much of a feminist. I didn’t hesitate to take my husband’s name, fully support the concept of Nathan dropping me off in front of the restaurant when it’s raining, and typically adhere to the “you take the garbage out, I’ll do the dishes” style of marriage. I’ve never been [...]
Dear Star Jones: You should have stayed fat 2008-05-09 10:47:14 Dear Star Jones,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. I hate to say “I told you so” but if you’d responded to just one of the 47 emails I sent you years ago, you wouldn’t be in this hot mess. Star, some girls are just better off fat — You’re one of them. Think about it [...]
Things I’ve Learned in Marriage (Part II) 2008-05-07 22:38:48 Nathan and I have been married for two and a half blissful years. He is my one and only and as most of you know, I’m so glad I held out for the right one (as all of you should do). Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. When your husband is going to a show with a bunch [...] Read more:Learned
Elaine Throws a Dinner Party: One of the Most Painful Experiences of Haley’s Young Life 2008-05-05 21:11:16 Last Friday, I attended a dinner party thrown by Elaine
. Just to set the stage, this dinner party takes place at Elaine’s parents’ condo, because they are away for the weekend.
Now, when Elaine throws a dinner party it means: she sends out 500 emails, three weeks in advance, and starts panicking. When it comes to [...] Read more:Dinner
, Haley
, Party
Things that make Elaine say hmmmmm… 2008-05-04 22:20:51 1. How does a battery work? I mean really… We put batteries in things, but do you have any idea how they actually work? I don’t. Even Nathan, the goy who knows everything, has no clue. Can anyone explain this shit to me?
2. Why is it that the smaller the chick, the worse the period. Take Haley, [...] Read more:Elaine
Dear “Reverend” Wright – What a piece of shit you are 2008-05-01 21:46:32 Jeremiah:
Most people know that I’m a Hillary girl. However, should Barack Obama win the nomination, I will support him with enthusiasm. I think he’s a good egg.
You on the other hand, are a narcissistic fucktard who would sacrifice Obama’s campaign for the sake of self-righteous bullshit. You’ve spoken often about what the white man has [...] Read more:piece
, Reverend
, Wright
Black Butte Ranch: Elaine Plans Another Terrible “Vacation” 2008-04-29 21:25:32 Many many many years ago, when Elaine
was young, she spent summers with her family at Black
Butte Ranch
in Central Oregon. Since everyone knows that Jews don’t camp, I suppose this is the next best thing to "roughing" it (Which means cul-de-sacs of "rustic" houses with wooden siding, big screen TVs, cable, and hot [...] Read more:Vacation
Things I Learned in Single Life: Reasons to Stay Single (Or Haley’s feminist perspective). 2008-05-12 13:56:30 I wrote this as an entry for The Ladies Home Journal in 2006, unfortunately the editors are idiots and it was never published. Well, without further adieu … here it is. Read it and weep, you miserable married breeders.
1. THAT’S RIGHT, I AM EATING COTTAGE CHEESE. FOR DINNER. FOR THE FIFTH NIGHT IN A ROW.
And [...] Read more:feminist
, Haley
, Learned
, Reasons
Meet Rafael: an in-depth interview with our pick of the week 2008-05-14 15:46:01 Rafael,
You are an angel. The day I met you, I thought I had died gone straight to heaven. I am not going to lie, Rafael, when Elaine and I laid eyes on you, we thought we had you pegged for His Royal Highness Grand Poobah of Douchebag Jakes. The tattoos. The piercings. And since you [...] Read more:interview
, Rafael
OUR PICK OF THE WEEK – TEASER!!! 2008-05-14 09:53:24 Last night we interviewed a wonderful young man named Rafael. He’s 26, single and covered in tattoos/piercings. He’s our pick of the week ladies so shave your legs and start doing your kegals. This one is going to go fast! Haley is home pouring over our interview notes and recordings – she is actually in charge [...]
Ode to Sassette 2008-05-16 13:33:59 Spoken Word
By Elaine
Sassette,
You are from Connecticut
But you are not Martha Stewart
You are filled with passion
For $1 McDonald’s cheeseburgers
A passion that screams “I will spend my mutherfucking stimulus money on cheeseburgers bitches and I don’t want to hear shit about it…”
You love them
Almost as much as you love Mr. Sassette, your husband
In fact, you are t
How to Keep a Dude from Dumping You 101: Haley (an Expert in this Arena) Gives Solid Advice 2008-05-19 16:31:17 Has anyone ever seen that movie, Misery? The one where Kathy Bates kidnaps a famous writer, hobbles him, and won’t let him leave her house? In the end, he falls in love with her and never wants to leave. After you watched that movie (or read the novel) you probably wondered: How is it that [...] Read more:Expert
, Haley
, Solid
AUSTIN UPDATE!!!! 2008-05-19 10:06:18 So, Miss Witt was at Trader Joe’s last night with her baby girl and, of course she had to go through Austin’s line. OMG! He knows! He knows! And he’s really smart! Hot and smart. Our home girl Kami is having a birthday in a few weeks – should I offer Austin some money to [...]
Our pick of the week….meet Adam 2008-05-21 15:41:26 The scene: Haley, Kami and Elaine drinking in a bar. Elaine feeling pressure to find someone fast as she needs to get home to give Baby G a bath.
Haley: There’s no one here. There are like 2 guys in the whole bar. And they’re ugly.
Elaine: I don’t care. We need to do this. Stat. What [...]
WTF???? Part 3 2008-05-22 20:29:44 1. Businesses who spell out the last 4 digits of their phone number (Example 1-800-486-dick).
Nothing frustrates me more! I fucking hate this practice. Seriously, do you think this is going to get you more business? Do you realize how difficult a task this is? I’LL TELL YOU HOW DIFFICULT YOU ASSHOLE…IT’S DIFFICULT! It takes [...]
Oba in the Pearl (Or…where skanks go to dream) 2008-05-25 19:52:26 Last night Nathan and I took our good friend Kami out to dinner, to celebrate her birthday and my new job. We decided on Oba in the Pearl
– Primarily because of the good drinks and food, festive atmosphere and the fact that they take the Passport Discount Card (one entrée free- I know, I [...]
Today, our Haley becomes a woman 2008-05-26 21:10:36 As most of you know, Elaine goes back to work tomorrow for the first time in almost two years. This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I really do think that working will be the best thing for my family but as you can imagine, I have reservations. I’m scared about Baby G’s adjustment and [...] Read more:Haley
, Today
, woman
Patrick saves the day! 2008-05-30 00:13:42 Hey Ladies (Get Funk-eee),
Sorry I was AWOL for a spell. I was hanging out in Los Angeles and that place plays tricks on the mind. Especially when it’s 45 and rainy in Santa Monica and the main reason you went out there was to brown your glistening fat in the reflected glow of half-naked surfers. [...] Read more:Patrick
Alex says WTF??? 2008-06-01 20:53:34 Alex is a wonderful person who should not be judged by the fact that she still has acrylic nails – you know, the type I had circa 1987 during my “experience diversity” phase? Alex tells me she had them removed recently but I’m not so sure. Alex is a wife, mother of three, and friend [...]
Haley is a whore! And not the good kind of whore! The bad kind of whore! I mean it! 2008-06-02 22:15:24 (Meet Haley
everyone - here’s a picture of her from behind)
Haley (I’m not going say “dear” – you don’t deserve “dear”). I’m pissed. Really pissed. I have not returned your text messages or calls because I have nothing positive to say to you right now. I’m hurt. I feel let down. Basically I’ve decided [...]
Dear Nathan, you’re a whore. Not the good kind of whore. The bad kind. 2008-06-04 22:37:00 Dear Nathan
,
Let me start by saying that I love you madly. You are a wonderful
husband and father. Your goy abilities to fix anything make me hot.
You continue to rock my world in the bedroom…last weekend, with the
Barry White CD and paddle…OY! That was some luvin.
But here’s the thing Nathan….as you know, I’ve been trying to [...]
The Courtship of Elaine — the Highs and Lows (Nathan speaks) 2008-06-05 23:37:57 Dear ICKH Devotees,
Elaine
’s ball-and-chain here. I guess it’s finally time you learned from the source a bit about how Nathan
rolls.
Our regulars already know a few mostly-true details about me:
• non-Jew (true)
• decent cook (true)
• frequent masturbator (true)
• sports enthusiast (true)
• resourceful (true)
• oth Read more:Courtship
Haley develops a new plan for finding love (insert eye rolling here) 2008-06-09 21:36:28 Dear Elaine:
Do you think it would be appropriate if I started to acquire a dowry? You know, shit that I could tell a man that I possess, in order to make myself a more attractive candidate for marriage?
Truth be told, I don’t have much to offer. Origami paper cranes can only go so far.
You [...] Read more:Haley
, insert
Haley, it could have been you: Nathan’s baby brother gets married 2008-06-08 21:24:03 We just returned from a wonderful wedding weekend in Seattle. A little background for the virgins: Nathan
’s brother is an awesome young man we call "A." He’s cute, smart, successful and an all-around mensch. In fact, he’s G’s legal gaurdian in the event that something ever happens to us. He’s a former military officer and, [...] Read more:Haley
, married
Elaine is movin on up… 2008-06-10 21:49:16 Dear Elaine
,
The past couple of weeks you haven’t been the same. You’ve been unusually harsh and in a really bad mood. Basically, you’re a serious downer. But Elaine, since you’re my BFF – I’m going to do my best to cheer you up. It didn’t dawn on me how I was going to do that [...]
Haley is retarded. Seriously. 2008-06-11 21:02:39 Dear Elaine,
Exhausted and nearing mental collapse with every passing minute, I followed your advice last weekend. In order to salvage relationship with TWT, I decided to allude to a long lost famous uncle. (This was after I told TWT that my great grandfather was friends and played violin with Albert Einstein. This is completely true, [...] Read more:Haley
, Seriously
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