I'm Not Bad, I Just Blog That Way
2007-05-02 18:25:00
True Confession: I'm not a bad mother.
In fact, I'm a very good mother. Probably as good a mother as it is possible for me to be, which is, I think, pretty good. I just don't say so very often. In fact, I probably give the impression - and the title of this blog has very little to do with this, I'm sure - that I do not consider myself to be a good mother.
If one were to do a statistical
Where The Buffalo Roam
2007-05-04 20:52:00
Where the fack are the beer and the canteloupe? (enlarge for full effect)
Read more: Buffalo
The Good, The Bad, and The Bratz
2007-05-07 18:33:00
I am, as most of you know, on record as hating Bratz
dolls. Loathing Bratz dolls. You know, in that railing-against-the-hyper-commercialized-hyper-sexualization-of-all-things-pertaining-to-childhood kinda way.
Which is why there may be some serious karmic payback for this:
Still Life with Skank-Ho
This weekend, WonderBaby came within inches of a Bratz Doll. Fractions of an inch. At one point,
Bad Toyz, Bad Toyz: What'cha Gonna Do?
2007-05-09 16:31:00
Edits! Now with more Bad!
Amidst all of the discussion the other day about Bratz Dolls and whether Smurfette could take any one of them in a Doll-On-Ho-Doll Smackdown, there were a few gentle inquiries about WonderBaby's lovey, the object that accompanies her on all sleeps and all journeys to Buffalo Containment Facilities and which bears an unfortunate resemblance to a certain nether appendage
This Is a Love Song
2007-05-11 15:43:00
Come Mother's Day, there's a lot of pressure to sing sweet songs of sunshine and daffodils, primroses and butterflies. To compose odes to our mothers, or to ourselves as mothers. To wax poetic on the joys and glories of being a mother, to put pen to paper or finger to keyboard and capture in a word or two or more how achingly wonderful it is to be a mother, to have a mother, to miss our mothers,
Read more: Love Song
And it's still only just Wednesday
2007-05-16 19:08:00
This week, on As Her Bad Mother Turns:
1) The Phallic Lovey disappears. Disaster ensues. Kermit is interrogated but yields no information. HBM calls in Jack Bauer but, sadly, he is preoccupied by fictional terrorists. HBM grumbles that Kermit is fictional, and very possibly a terrorist, too, but Jack still refuses to come to her aid. 2) HBM discovers that she is allergic to springtime.
3) Her
Read more: Wednesday
Why Don't You Leave Your Name and Number and I'll Get Back To You?
2007-05-14 17:29:00
You ever have one of those blogging days, when, despite there being no end of stories to tell and theories to expound and confessions to make, the muse just refuses to come sit with you and so you just end up staring at your computer screen, your mind blank and your fingers still?
Or maybe your fingers aren't still. Maybe you subscribe to that school of writing thought that says that even when
Read more: Leave
, Number
Achtung, Baby
2007-05-18 17:24:00
When I was 11 years old, I stole a horse.
Borrowed might be a more accurate description - it was always my intention to return the horse - but still. I took a horse that did not belong to me. It was summer, I was visiting a friend in the country, and we were bored. We were out for a stroll on a country road when we spotted some horses in a field and decided that it would be a really great
Read more: Achtung
It's a Wonderful Life
2007-05-20 21:41:00
It's been a rough week.
I've been sick and Her Bad Father has been off somewhere in the arctic or the rainforest or over the rainbow or wherever and the hot water pipes just bust and the clothes dryer is broken and one of the cats threw up on the duvet and tomorrow (today? what time is it?) is my birthday and I'm pretty sure that the day is going to be announced, sometime before 6am, by a lot
Read more: Wonderful
Reunited
2007-05-25 16:22:00
Feels so, so good.
Read more: Reunited
Niagara
2007-05-23 12:25:00
It all got to be a bit much - the interminable flu/allergy plague, the busted pipes, the lack of hot water, the broken appliances, the absentee father/spouse - and so WonderBaby and PL and I got the hell out of Dodge.
Now we're here:
Quite literally:
That's the view from our hotel room window in The! Honeymoon! Capital! Of! The! World!
Which is not exactly the place that you want to be when
Read more: Niagara
Does My Blog Look Fat In These Pants?
2007-05-28 09:10:00
My birthday present to myself this year was supposed to be a blog overhaul, for which purpose I enlisted the assistance of the amazing Izzy. But I've been stuck for days in an ever-worsening spiral of indecision about a new banner - do I go cheeky? serious? cheeky-serious (cherious?) urban-hipster-doofus? tweedy academic? black-beret-scotch-sipping beatnik?
WHAT is the aesthetic of Her Bad
Read more: Pants
Blah-De-Blahg
2007-05-30 08:03:00
Here is a promise that I made to myself recently, and that I will make to you, too: I will not blog, on this blog, about BlogHer, prior to BlogHer.
I am, of course, super-thrilled to be going. But you all don't want to read about that: if you're going, you already know what that excitement feels like and don't need me to deconstruct it for you, and if you're not going, the last thing that you
A Clockwork Sippy Cup
2007-06-03 21:30:00
Hurts your eyes, doesn't it? That's the Naughty Corner From Hell. We call it the Ludovico Naughty Corner. It's where toddlers go when they've been very, very, very bad. When they've done something far more serious than just smear a tube of lipstick across your carpet or taken their Crayola Washable Marker to the decidedly unwashable cat. When they've done something that undermines the very
Read more: Clockwork
, Sippy
The Way We Were
2007-05-31 22:08:00
When I began blogging, I knew nothing about blogs or mommy bloggers. I didn't know who Dooce was. I didn't know what Dooce was. I had stumbled upon a mom blog accidentally, while searching for advice on gas and reflux and the like, and I immediately took it for a diary. A very funny and illuminating diary, but a diary nonetheless.
And I thought, I can do this. I want to do this.
I was under
The Shark Has Pretty Teeth, Dear, 'Cuz He Eats Dentists
2007-06-05 11:16:00
Edit: Update below...
I'm going to the dentist today. I'm terrified. Actually, I'm more that terrified. I'm gripped by the chill hand of a terror that defies description.
I am afraid of dentists. I find dentists, and all dentist-related activity, more frightening than spiders, and needles. Actually, more terrifying than spiders and needles combined, because you very rarely find a spider
Read more: Pretty
, Shark
Banner - Don't Delete
2006-06-01 13:19:00
Read more: Banner
You Know That You're THAT MOM When...
2007-06-09 12:06:00
... You're out with your toddler, running errands and shopping and the like. And you go into a shop to replace all of those tank tops that got stained with shit and spit-up last summer when your toddler was going through that leaky baby phase. And you take your toddler into the fitting room with you, because, please, there's no other option. And you sit your toddler down on the teeny little
Off The Grid
2007-06-07 22:58:00
Somewhat unexpectedly.
Beloved sister is in town, for conference on muscular dystrophy, and for hugs, and love...
Love is exercise.... and jumping. Lots and lots of jumping.We'll back tomorrow. After we've jumped our hearts out.*********And if you're really missing me - can't live without me - you could always go read what I have to say about the politics of hot dogs (and see why I was once
Ave, Hitchens: We Who Are About To Gossip Salute You
2007-06-13 11:06:00
So Christopher Hitchens is comparing Paris Hilton's treatment by the media to child abuse: Hilton is, he says, "legally an adult but the treatment she is receiving stinks—indeed it reeks—of whatever horrible, buried, vicarious impulse underlies kiddie porn and child abuse."
How so? Well, having gleefully consumed all manner of Paris-porn (the notorious sex tape, the paparazzi shots of
Read more: Gossip
, Salute
What's In A (Nick)Name?
2007-06-11 13:05:00
This may come as a shock to many of you, but 'WonderBaby' is not WonderBaby's real name.
It's not even her nickname. Contrary to what you might expect, we do not run around the parks and playgroups of Toronto calling out WonderBaby! 'WonderBaby' is, like 'Her Bad Mother' (pick yourself back up off the floor!), a pseudonymic nickname (a pseudo-nick-nym?).
Her real nickname is - wait for it -
Around The Corner, I Had A Friend
2007-06-15 12:18:00
Almost exactly one year ago, I lost a friend.
I lost this friend because new motherhood had caused me to be neglectful of the relationship. The phone calls were fewer, the visits were fewer; the friendship, all told, was left to languish in the dustheap of obligations from my previous, childless life. My friend - a longtime friend, a best friend - felt that neglect. She knew that I couldn't help
Just Do It
2007-06-14 21:45:00
WonderBaby REPRESENTS.
Toronto bloggers want to send you to BlogHer. So write that damn post already. You have until tomorrow, midnight. Just write it, then link back here or here and leave a comment here.
And if you don't want to go to BlogHer? Write the damn post anyway. How has blogging empowered women? HAS blogging empowered women? Has it empowered YOU? Feel free to adapt to your own whims
If Truth Is A Woman, She Wears A Skort
2007-06-18 23:06:00
When I was about seven years old, a boy asked to see under my skirt.
It was a hot summer day, near the schoolyard. We'd been playing in the grass near the playground; it was long grass, the kind that sings in a good wind, the kind that you hide in. We'd been hiding, we two, and some other children, hiding and running and running and hiding, in and out of the grass, the blades scratching our
Read more: Truth
Love Made Us
2007-06-17 10:02:00
It did indeed.
Happy Dad's Day, you big crabby jerk. We adore you beyond measure.
An Open Letter To A Dick
2007-06-21 21:23:00
Dear Tardy McAsshole Von F***tard,
You looked so slick in your bespoke suit, your polished wingtips, your neatly trimmed hair. You strode purposefully, manfully, through the crowd, Wall Street Journal tucked under your arm, eyes fixed ahead. You couldn't have been a broker or hedge fund manager - too late in the morning to be on the subway, and to be on the subway in the first place - but still,
Read more: Letter
Peering At The Backside Of The Moon
2007-06-20 11:46:00
I kept my mouth shut for a reason. I figured, if I never, ever discuss that fact that WonderBaby is both sleeping through the night and napping every afternoon, in her crib, I will never have to answer to the gods for impertinence. I figured, if I never speak of it, I will never tempt them to relieve me of this great gift. So I never spoke of it. After months and months and months of kvetching
Read more: Backside
A Modest Proposal
2007-06-26 11:15:00
(Edited below - more news on how to be a better human being. Check it.)
So I was idly flipping through the newspaper the other day, when this caught my eye:
"Anyone who decries environmental degradation, and who really cares about the state of our planet, should give some serious thought to not having children," wrote David Reeve. "Each additional person consumes a huge amount of resources
Read more: Modest
, Proposal
First Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes
2007-06-25 09:46:00
I would have posted this weekend, but I was too busy quashing revolutionary activity - cat-jumping and ice-cream poaching and sleep-deprivation tactics and general sedition - in the toddler quadrant.
If all revolutionaries loved ice cream, Cuba might be a very different place right now. Then again, if revolutionaries loved ice cream, Ben & Jerry's might be a socialist republic under trade
Read more: First
Holiday. Celebrate.
2007-06-30 12:10:00
WonderBaby sez, love your dominion.*
On the menu for this weekend: fireworks and ice cream and bathroom renovations and picnics at the park and ice cream and - oh yeah - did I mention bathroom renovations? Nothing says Happy 140th Birthday, Canada! like ripping out your toilet and chucking it out onto your front drive.
We'll be up to our elbows in drywall and tile and beer until Monday, at
Read more: Holiday
, Celebrate
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