Owner: Bipolar Boulevard URL:http://bipolarboulevard.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Thu, 08 May 2008 02:45:37 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: A telling of mental illness and it\\\'s impact on a woman\\\'s life as told from her perspective.
Bipolar 1, 2, certain forms of depression, and ECT are discussed. Site statistics:Click here
A Sticky Web 2008-04-27 22:12:00 My life has been a melange of headaches, heartaches, and refuse of late. My cousin committed suicide by combining opiates and benzodiazepines in lethal amounts. The autopsy report hasn't been released, but he was notorious for abusing new prescriptions and threatening self-harm. My condolences go out to all surviving relatives, and I too bear scars. I no longer understand the compulsion to throw oneself into such a state of awful permanence. I am afraid of death as if it were hastened to tomorrow.My psychotic thoughts are shrinking by a small percentage. But, the stress of living through stereotypes is having a marked effect on my well-being. Because I became disabled I am now embroiled in a joint, chapter 7 bankruptcy case, which will come to light this afternoon in a sterile downtown cou
Bittersweet Victory 2008-04-14 05:20:00 My senses have been overloaded, and I think I am in some form or state of shock. Five days ago during Spring Break, a rather curt representative from the Social Security Office woke my husband at around 9:00 A.M.. She needed to speak with me, so my husband came downstairs in a sleepy fog and nudged the phone onto my ear. She started prattling on about how my backpay was determined, stated that I would receive $757.00 monthly, and inquired if I was competent enough to handle my own account. Damn, I won!!! Where was that pins and needles feeling, the endless flopping in the stomach? It was an eight month uphill battle, stagnant. My backpay was a fraction of what I'd expected because the first five months after the application date do not get awarded. I wasn't officially declared disa Read more:Bittersweet
, Victory
Lawyer Lingo 2008-04-04 14:43:00 It is of my sorely defeated opinion that one should never repeat a single snippet of the English language which has been spewed from an attorney's paid-by-the hour mouth. It is of my learned belief that one should retain a smidgen of skepticism and freely exercise those particular faiths as needed. Today, Social Security said I am A-P-P-R-O-V-E-D! The Claims Representative went on to expound that the "Regional Office" acts as a review board and determines the original disability date so as to set up a payment schedule and calculate the amount of back pay. I was told that the only reason my case would be overturned is that if there were blatant fraud involved ,or something to that effect.My case was decided on the 25th of March according to the office, so I may rightfully assume that I will Read more:Lawyer
, Lingo
Regional Decision 2008-04-01 01:11:00 Whether I am heartily assertive or icily brutish, I received a fitting telephone call from my attorney today. She specifically called to tell me that my case had been approved at the state level. "I don't know what they do on that regional level you were talking about. But this is good news." I welled up...halfway to redemption.I promptly called the Social Security Office, and the Claims Representative was cordial and helpful. I explained that I had talked with my attorney, and I recited her words. The Representative clarified that the Regional Office ensures all paperwork is filed correctly, and that it is very rare for them to overturn a decision. Again, I was told to expect a one month wait, but that in reality, "It's really only a matter of a couple of weeks."I am nervous and perpetual
A Snake is a Snake is a Snake 2008-03-27 10:01:00 She blithely spouted, "Have hope. Your file has been passed on to a second adjudicator. They are giving your case due consideration. It's a good sign! It would be even better if I had your records from the clinic, but I've requested them several times to no avail. They've already been paid for, ha-ha!" Of all the low down, dirty, porcine, conniving, scheming ploys this ranks along with some of the most severe abuse and indignity I've ever incurred. Silver-tongued wretch. Back biting cur. Money hungry liar.The Social Security Claim Representative I spoke to over the telephone today explained that there are state and regional consideration levels both of which are simple government protocol, so there was nothing to relate to me except that my case is still pending. Furthermore, she disclosed Read more:Snake
We are Stronger Hand in Hand 2008-03-20 21:53:00 It takes less effort to stand proudly alone, at ease with ones own works and achievements than to sit passively subdued in wait of personal aide. There's an emotional explosion, ruminations of life in more prosperous times, and the deep gnashing of teeth over a life gone sour. Salty tears well up in the lower lids for the disgrace and shame. Bipolar Disorder challenges my human rights.It was gusty outside, yet I sat in summer clothes, scrunched into a small cracked vinyl chair with a clipboard intended for my personal information. A red head cheerfully talked about her dogs. A black woman related to her corny jokes. A man smartly dressed for winter carried a Marlboro brand satchel because he would not be able to accept his full food donation on account of walking. Still, he was upbeat, pro
A Plea to the Powers That Be 2008-03-18 10:16:00 I woke feeling very melancholy and helpless against the worldly forces that rule by spiny, cruel thumbs. It has been seven months and 11 days since I first filed for Disability. My family is in financial ruin. My self esteem is burnt to cinders. No more can I shop for school clothes or shoes. Groceries are purchased with borrowed money, but borrowed money is often expendable, here today and gone tomorrow. Our expenses leave us with a humbling, and embarrassing pittance.I bawled like a baby today, not knowing what the next ledger entry would bring. In due course I called my lawyer, talking through thickly choked tears. She stated that my husband and I are having these difficulties sooner than most clients, but I explained that my income had sustained us to a much higher degree and that we h Read more:Powers
Dystonia 2008-03-17 21:31:00 Juvenile delinquency was alluring and glamorous against the backdrop of stinking fields of cow droppings and debutante fever. I shimmied out the side window of my apartment's bedroom and secretly met with a much older male friend, who in the wee hours, surprised me with a half gallon of Aristocrat vodka. He concocted Screwdrivers in 40 ounce-Big Gulp cups, topping them off with just a smidge of orange juice. I siphoned mine through a straw and with each pull I became more furious with my absentee boyfriend.I was dropped off at a seedy rat-infested apartment. The mutual anger between my boyfriend and I rotated like a super cell in a stormy sky. There was no working telephone. I was arrested for Public Drunkeness and Disorderly Conduct at the age of 14. We had set off to call my mother, but
Latest Conference with Rafiki 2008-03-17 00:00:00 Through my nervous chatter and shifting about my doctor determined that my thinking is abnormal and disorganized, and therefore psychotic. My relationship with death is so unhealthy it could be deemed rotten and soul-stealing. Night after lunatic night, day after angst-leaden day, I question my existence and ultimate demise. My worst fears frequent my thoughts, whether waking or fitfully sleeping. Hell comes to my doorstep through nightmarish visions of my children and other loved ones in distress.I presented my doctor with my full medication history, which is also posted on this site, and after much deliberation and gum chewing, he advised to discontinue both the Abilify and the Tripleptal. Common sense prevailed. He made some offhand comment about my brain chemistry, and then recommended
Social Security Reconsideration (Step 2) 2008-03-13 08:51:00 As I have previously written, I was denied for the initial claim for Social
Security Disability (SSDI), benefits on December 7th, 2007. I retained the services of an attorney on December 17th, 2007. She did not complete my Request for Benefits, or file for Reconsideration until January 24th, 2008. The Social Security
office informed me that they have until May 24th, 2008 to proclaim the status of my case. Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A: A good start. She wasted nearly 6 weeks of my time and is pressing my sanity. The hook is that an attorney only gets a certain percentage of your winnings for compensation, which is 25% in my case. What the layperson does not know is that the longer the attorney prolongs the case, the more she profits. I'm lost in
Seroquel Stupor 2008-03-10 05:55:00 I want to touch upon the strangeness of the unbridled insanity of Bipolar 1. I'm am not particularly well-acquainted with the soaring maniacal highs of the disorder, as I was previously afflicted with hypomania alone.My mother had trouble sleeping one night, so I gave her 50 mgs of Seroquel, the usual dosage for myself. To stress the potency of this medication she compared it to the drug Quaalude, which was banned in the U.S. in 1985 due to its abundant recreational use. In fact, she claims that Seroquel is much stronger, and was sedated for three days.Nevertheless, I have been ingesting 50 to 100 mgs several times a day for the past two weeks for anxiety. At my worst, I "eat" it until I am embraced by oblivion. This may seem like abuse, but it is non-addictive and has saved my life.This i
Buckets of Fun 2008-03-09 13:31:00 I am alternating between elation and an aggravated state of happiness, otherwise known as mania. I've applied make-up, the trendiest T-Shirt I own, and my hair is banging. I spot cleaned the dining room carpet and lit every vanilla candle in the house so that it smelled of freshly baked sugar cookies. The surround sound is blaring The new Black Crowes album, Warpaint, and vintage 80's. (My daughter is doing a combination of dance and crooked gymnastics. Thanks God she sees a degree of normalcy in me).My doctor snubbed me today. My Apex Behavioral appt. card was written for 03/09/08, a Sunday...today actually. I didn't find it all that odd because I've had Saturday appointments, but when we got there all the lights were off and the doors were locked. I called him on his cell, and he told me
A Banister, a Chair, and Abilify 2008-03-07 00:43:00 Months back my doctor prescribed Tegretol, an anti-epileptic which is sometimes utilized for Bipolar disorder. I experienced two full weeks of ecstasy, complete joy, and then I was so terrified I half-expected my hair to develop streaks of horror-movie white. My vision went double and remained in such a manner until finally I could barely read or focus on my children's faces for quite the long time. Also, I could not drive or perform fine motor skills. Even as a passenger in an automobile I had to worry about the sun flickering in my face and inducing a fit.I'm all but certain I've mentioned these events. Rafiki's medical expertise guided him to prescribe Trileptal, which is reputed to be a much milder form of Tegretol.So, two months passed and my dx was changed to Bipolar1/Mixed. Thus his Read more:Chair
Bipolar Anthem 2008-02-22 23:45:00 With my husband manning the wheel, blazing down the twisting side roads of Georgia is a transcendent experience. The quiet matched the effect on my brain, then this song came on the radio: Sanitarium by Metallica.Welcome to where time stands stillNo one leaves and no one willMoon is full, never seems to changeJust labeled mentally derangedDream the same thing every nightI see our freedom in my sightNo locked doors, no windows barredNo things to make my brain seem scarredSleep, my friend, and you will seeThat dream is my realityThey keep me locked up in this cageCan't they see it's why my brain says “rage”Sanitarium, leave me beSanitarium, just leave me aloneBuild my fear of what's out thereCannot breathe the open airWhisper things into my brainAssuring me that I'm insaneThey think our Read more:Bipolar
Rafiki The Witch Doctor 2008-02-14 14:06:00 And the Lord spake from Heaven and said, "Go now Stephanie. Cigna will provide for you." I say this out of complete jest, but how true it is! I now see Rafiki at Apex Behavioral, and my last appointment was on a Saturday at 1:00. How is that for customer service?He asked about my general health, and I told him it was worse than it had ever been. (I hope he felt some kind of doctor-patient responsibility). I told him about seeing a cat leap towards the open face of the fireplace, my circular, intrusive thoughts about God, about my tendency to blame myself for the illness. He told me it was now time to use an atypical antipsychotic called Abilify because that was the only way to swim back up from the depths.He offered to see me more often. I said I was willing to take every ounce of help he Read more:Witch
, Doctor
Uneventful Pharmacy Visit 2008-02-12 10:20:00 When I wrote on Wednesday I was entirely too upset to be doing so because I look back on my entry and want to delete it. I did make some adjustments and am brimming over with gratitude that those who know me only arrive here by personal invite.I got my Klonopin and this time I asked a receptionist to help me contact the doctor. She collected my information and said to sit in the lobby to see if she could work me in between his appointments. Most of the waiting room's chairs were taken, so I went out on the front steps to smoke and eat, or chew a Klonopin dry. I wasted more than an hour. In the end, she gave me a pad and pen and asked me to leave a very detailed note.The nurse was curiously absent.He never called.So, Friday I rang Aetna and somehow ended up on the Suicide Prevention Hotline Read more:Pharmacy
Government Mental Health Equals Abuse 2008-02-12 10:18:00 It's a sad and common fact that the size of one's billfold molds the future. It's the truth. A better way of stating it might be either you have it or you don't. Concerning American health care and health insurance, well, I think Michael Moore said it best in his moving documentary Sicko. I could hardly stop wriggling on my couch when one of his subjects described a grotesque table saw accident in which he lost the tips of two of his fingers, the middle and the ring finger. He couldn't afford the intricate reattachment surgeries on both, so he chose his wedding ring finger at the lower cost. My grievances aren't so bloody or bizzare, but they're authentically painful.I began seeing my psychiatrist years ago, in a private office setting. I was employed at the time and paid for Blue Cross Bl Read more:Government
, Health
, Equals
A Woman in Disguise 2008-02-12 10:16:00 I am 30 years-young and practically friendless. My husband stands helpless as my depressive/psychotic episodes hover and swarm like so many buzzing black flies. The intensity is now at its maximum force. My one lowly defense is, as I have previously confessed, unrelenting self-talk so that I stay fixed to one place...until it's physically safe to move about my house and around my family. In cold periods of relief I question why I am so alone, without companionship or hope. If I dissect my own behavior and the resultant situation my illness creates, my answer is already there: I am not capable of building that level of intimacy with a healthy person who otherwise does not already know me.Only months ago I could brag that I had a friend who accepted my handicap. I was an expert at silently c Read more:Disguise
The Existential Crisis (Pondering My Journey) 2008-02-12 10:13:00 The question of the Biblical God's existence has long troubled and puzzled man throughout the ages. There is no empirical evidence to support a Heaven or Hell, and in Christian theory to know God is to part from the earthly flesh, freeing the soul to enter unto Paradise. A myriad of possibilities pummel the intellect. To invite a Higher Power into our hearts is to literally take a leap of faith. Some deny this seemingly universal thirst for the truth and concede to what is worldly and malleable. If it cannot be cupped and coddled with human hands, then it must not be so. Others believe that nature as a unified forced has spiritualistic power.I grew up as a Southern Baptist. The preachers were boisterous, convincing by way of their convictions. Congregations were anointed with purified oils Read more:Crisis
, Journey
The Fight for Social Security Disability 2008-02-12 10:10:00 In the state of Georgia the process of obtaining benefits can be comprised of five steps, but one hopes to avoid the last four. An initial claim must be filed with the local Social
Security Office. This can be done in person, over the telephone, or online. I applied online on August 1st, and after becoming very confused and frustrated, a Social Security caseworker called my home to complete the "interview process" over the telephone. She then mailed a couple of forms to be signed and witnessed, and I returned those along with my original birth certificate as requested. Weeks later I received a larger package more to the tune of a long questionnaire. I was asked how often I bathed, whether I drove my car any substantial distance, and if I had any hobbies. I had to explain how I attained gro Read more:Disability
A Moment for Trent 2008-02-12 10:08:00 If you recall, Trent
was right along side of me while having electroshock therapy, trying to make everything okay, goofing around. After his 12th session he was released from R. View and sent to an assisted-living home in New York, against his will or wishes. I never thought I'd hear from him again since a family member had taken over the use of his cell phone and because of the distance, but I tried one more time.His mother answered and said he was back at R. View. He is being shocked again.I called the lobby of the hospital, and a patient located him for me. He didn't remember me! He quizzically begged me to come up on Saturday during visitation, but I cannot see him in that state. I doubt the staff has even ensured that he bathes daily because I once saw them carry his rotten bed sheets Read more:Moment
The Antipsychotics (Current End of Medication Experiences) 2008-02-12 10:04:00 Risperdal was the first. I didn't even care for the connotation of the word antipsychotic, let alone accept that I needed one very readily. I swallowed the pills because the doctor told me to, and I needed to get better.There was nothing, no positive changes, no light of hope. On the contrary, my dreams became so disturbing that I'd dart out of bed and scream to the top of my lungs. One morning I ran into the bathroom shower door and as I screamed I didn't even recognize my own reflection in a full-length mirror! I was absolutely hysterical, pacing my bedroom floor, a true lunatic. 20 minutes or more passed before I inhaled an acceptable breath.Zyprexa was weak, just weak, but I hit the mother lode with Seroquel. As Bipolar Type 2 with refractory/psychotic depression I am prescribed a rela Read more:Current
, Medication
Benzodiazepine Addict 2008-02-12 09:59:00 Friends be wary. If you have not already taken this class of drug, chances are you will if you are being treated for bipolar disorder because they are frequently used to combat anxiety and panic. Many are primarily designed to treat certain seizure disorders, but due to their calming effects they are prescribed "off-label" in psychiatric settings. Some that I've tried include: Halcion, Klonopin, Ativan, Valium, and Xanax. Taken as per doctor's orders there should be no significant issues, but benzos are very addictive in nature. During a particularly severe attack, the logical solution seems to be to take an extra or two to quash the nerves.What most doctors don't tell us is that these drugs possess what is called a half life. This means that half of that last Klonopin I took will be circu
Prozac (14 Years-Old) 2008-02-12 09:58:00 This medicine is over marketed. Most of our country is at the bare minimum familiar with its brand name. It has been touted as a miracle in contrast to the older tricyclic-type antidepressents, gentle as a suckling kitten. Then there were law suits claiming Prozac
causes suicidality and even temporary insanity. I don't care to research further...I did go insane.There are many factors to consider: My age at the time of ingestion, my undiagnosed bipolar disorder for instance. I coped quite well for more than a year, and perhaps the best way of describing what took place is that Prozac made me "switch phases", as antidepressents are known to do in bipolar patients. I hallucinated for the first time. I saw a shadow man in the depths of the night and an enormous roach-like creature around the t Read more:Years
Jingle Bell Crock (Tegretol Rant) 2008-02-12 09:56:00 Not long ago, I was lying on the couch, enjoying the peace that an empty house brings during times of severely retarded functioning, and my whole world collapsed. A lady's face on the television duplicated itself, and the more I tried to blink it all away the clearer the image became. My vision was reduced to a tunnel. My heart sped, and I didn't want to move for fear of passing out. I thought my husband would find me dead.I called 911, and the paramedics strongly recommended that I go to the ER. My blood pressure was high, pulse was 110 bpm resting. I sent them away for lack of a way to pay, but I saw a Dr. at an emergency care clinic.She gave me a little extra Xanax to supplement the Klonopin since I'd ran out too early. She ordered me to see my family Dr. and to have a CAT Scan at the h Read more:Crock
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