Owner: kyle's blog URL:http://www.kwiltshire.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2007 19:43:21 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: grossly exaggerated stories and ramblings concerning the life and times of one severely confused individual.
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The Brown Acid - Part 1 2007-02-20 09:10:00 To use your head, you have to go out of your mind.-- Timothy Leary It was a heat wave Summer and I had become a walking (rarely) talking (rarely) sloth. The final years of High School were upon me and everybody seemed to be growing up in a hurry. Working at Superstore, or Save on Foods, and driving their parents Accords with fresh green N’s on the rear. I don’t know if I ever consciously made the decision, but it wasn’t for me. Instead I had adopted a much simpler Summer Schedule: 14:00 : Crawl out of bed in Pot induced haze14:30 : Eat oversized bowl of Cereal. (Preferably Corn Flakes)15:00 : Ride Norco down to Mary Hill Field15:15 – 02:00 : ?!02:00 : Night swim at Robert Hope02:30 : Ride Norco up to Citadel heights02:45 : Eat Potato Salad… 7 days a week. Sidenote: “?!” wasn’t actually very “?” or “!”. In fact it was one or all of the following: acoustic jams, bong hits, cigarettes, nudey swims, cold micro-brews and trips to donair town. Read more:Brown
2007, My Promise to You 2007-02-15 09:44:00 To my handful of loyal readers.First off my apologies for never writing anymore. Moving out of my Mom's house made me a much busier individual. Surprise surprise. Additionally I have a roommate who fears silence. Trust me, trying to come up with witty dialog is much more difficult with Alien VS Predator cranked at 95db... 3 feet to your left.After plenty of written and verbalized complaints due to my lack of updates, I've decided to shut you all the hell up by writing some more. Here's the game plan:Updates happen roughly every 2 weeks. Goal is to post 1 large story a month. If I can ever turn this into passive income (via google adwords , and you shamelessly plugging this site at any opportunity) then I can promise that updates would become even more frequent.I've got a 50% draft of the next tale, and the absolute latest I would post it is March 1st.p.s. if your a close friend of mine, and want me to reflect on a certain event / evening / erotic experience, drop me a quick e-mail
Trevor Hayman - Part 1 2006-11-30 03:28:00 Trevor Hayman
had a hard time letting go of the past. From day to day he would hold his grudges against each and any individual who had short-changed, embarrassed or angered him. Whether it was Billy the bus driver, who was surly with Trevor the morning his wife left with the kids. Or Jennifer the Safeway cashier, who was in the unfortunate circumstance of cutting up Trevor’s credit cards every other weekend. Or Jerry, Trevor’s newly appointed boss. Things Jerry said to Trevor that most of us would deem constructive criticism Trevor would interpret as passive aggressive hostility. For hours he would sit in his office stewing on Jerry’s words, rubbing his hands together over his desk like a Merry Melodies villain.Needless to say, from the moment he left his seedy New York apartment building in the early morning, to the moment he returned. Trevor was absolutely miserable.He frequented Dublin’s Irish Pub, a run down bar a blocks distance from his apartment. The bartender had cut h Read more:Trevor
Port Coquitlam, a Shakespearean Sonnet 2006-11-17 00:04:00 Oh, Port Coquitlam the town of my birthtruly it pains me to bid you farewellfor you are the greatest suburb on Earthand you carry such a glorious smell I’ll miss all the Jams, and chilln at Breau’sRobert Hope break ins, and driving too drunkin Poco these days, too often it “snows”at least it still has the love for the funk Goodbye three-figure tabs at the FiddleGoodbye public drinking at Leigh SquareYou’ve run me all out of cash to piddleThings just aren’t the same, since Sol cut his hair North Van is my hood, and so far I’m downSo I’ll end on a quote, “So long… Stink town!” Read more:Shakespearean
, Sonnet
The Du Plens Project 2006-10-25 08:41:00 It was the Summer of 2003 and my head had been taken on a culture shock roller coaster. I got my first job working at a structural steel shop in Coquitlam. The pay was horrible ($9.50 / hour) but at the time I thought I was rolling in cash. The shock of 40 hour weeks coupled with working in a shop that WCB should have shut down in the early 90’s was a lot for a 17 year old kid. Let me elaborate by saying that this was a lumberjack establishment. Safety equipment was rarely used and more then once I escaped losing an appendage by mere seconds. The floors were covered in dust, the walls were covered in porno, and to this day it was the only job I could smoke while working at.But a picture is worth a thousand words: here’s 17 yr. old Kyle after a day of work at Continental Steel.I went through a lot of T shirts.I left Continental in late August, and immediately went to a hippy gathering on Vancouver Island. Now I don’t mean I showed up to a music festival where tax-paying citizens c Read more:Project
A Night at the Cat 2006-09-24 23:21:00 Port Coquitlam suffers from the suburb curse. Art is limited. Housing is everywhere. Small business is nearly nonexistent. If ever you want to do something even semi-cultural, you need to jump in a car or on a bus to get there. Of course this is the very reason why so many people leave PoCo for higher prospects. Unfortunately the majority of my High School peers (and myself) are still here, trying to make the best of our youth or pissing it away as quickly as possible. For shits and giggles here’s a satellite picture of Port Coquitlam (south side). Notice the ENDLESS SPIRAL OF HOUSING accompanied by NOTHING ELSE.So how does one deal with this drab scenery? The answer is as old as time. Drinking. The Cat and Fiddle lays nestled at the corner of Brown and McLean St. in the top corner of PoCo’s residential maze. Across the street the industrial blocks begin, and spread east towards the river. Like a cruel choice in Sim-City, the bar literally sits beside middle income housing, and Read more:Night
Shameless Advertising 2006-09-06 07:19:00 If you live in the Greater Vancouver area, and hate all those porn-popups on your computer: Contact K.M. Wiltshire computer services. Our o-so broke and friendly technician will gladly sit in rush hour just to make YOU happy!Seriously though, spread the word. Much appreciated folks.http://www.kmwcomputer.com Read more:Shameless
, Advertising
Inventory 2006-09-02 03:20:00 If your younger than 25 and own a car, chances are it’s a sick mess. I've developed the unfortunate habit of letting the junk pile up until it’s simply too absurd not to clean. I just completed this task, and thought some of you may get a kick out of my inventory list. This list is car interior only. None of this was in the trunk. Here it goes:- 4 liters of windshield washer fluid- 1 liter of coolant- 7 bic lighters, 1 zippo- $6.75 in change- 4 coffee mugs- 2 empty beer cans. 1 full. one empty pepsi can- 10 plastic dvd cases- $282 worth of liquor store receipts- 4 empty condom packages Read more:Inventory
Grade 7 Camp 2006-08-23 06:09:00 Although the last few weeks have been eventful, sharing them would hardly be appropriate. The non disclosure agreement I signed for my job kind of puts an X on any interesting work stories as well. If the present is dull, reflect on the past. This one goes out to Dean, who helped develop me into the silly asshole I am today.“To get back one's youth one has merely to repeat one's follies” -- Oscar WildeLooking back, there is no surprise Grade
7 was one of the funniest years of my life. Our class was comprised of a dozen smart assed guys, a dozen loud mouthed girls and about 4 kids who were along for the ride. We had many accomplishments for the year. The most Class Wide detentions in the School’s history, 3 substitute walk-outs, and at least a dozen “Let me tell you kids something about life” lectures. However, all of these qualities came to a climax when we were all taken to camp on Anvil Island in the spring of 1999. It wasn’t just our Class but
Bungee 2006-08-13 01:18:00 I've been meaning to put these up for ahwile. Cheers to the bunge crew.In all sincerity, Dean did a double backflip we never got on film, and Paul did a weird twisting backwards gainer thing. As the video shows, Chris and I just fell like bricks.A couple of good quotes:"That scream was classic!" -- Dean"I kinda got sacked, did you kinda get sacked?" --Chris Read more:Bungee
Hold Your Horse Is 2006-08-12 05:28:00 If you check regularly, your a Saint. I seriously have 3 or 4 things in the works right now, as well as some video I want to post too. Things will be more consistent soon, especially in the winter when I have nothing else to do. It looks like I somehow got myself involved with one of Clay Walsh's haywire projects, so you can count on seeing that up here within the next couple of weeks as well. I will update more often. That or go to the teenage blog format....."I went to the mall right? and traffic was sooooooo bad. like seriously where are all these people going? anywaaays, when i got home i watched friends, and ate some candy. i know i shouldn't eat candy but its sooo good. o anyways at the mall i saw mindy, and we're totally gunna go out some time, pa-cha! O my, gawd, gas is expensive...." Read more:Horse
Pre-Formin 2006-08-12 05:24:00 This was written by yours truly, while working in the goofiest metal shop the North West has to offer. 6am shifts, 10.50 an hour, and a language barrier with every boss I had. This place had it all. Pre-from was the “department” where you would shake metal parts out of there 6’ x 10’ sheets, or file jagged edges off them. Truly stimulating work. Laughing about it now is easy, but at the time I thought I was going to go Postal on the place. I still haven’t ruled that option out yet. The lyrics are mostly true, get me drunk enough and I’ll play it for you. Sung to “Free Falling” By Tom Petty I work at Wesgarwhere we fabricate metalfor corporationslike Creo and Rockwell and I’m in Pre-formalong with Matt Pelkeand we can tell youit can really be hell but I’m pre—pre-formin ya.yes I’m pre-pre-formin ya well Moe hates mecuz I don’t follow five-Sand I copied the storage room keys and now I work withsome real crazy Hind
Ferry Tails 2006-07-26 22:31:00 07/23/06I write to you from the deck of B.C. ferry “Queen of Coquitlam” with a cigarette in my hand, White-spot in my gut, and alcohol in my blood. We all know the phrase “3 strikes and your out”. Well I’m out. Here’s the tale.After a semi-adventurous road trip out to Tofino, (a Canadian tourist spot roughly equivalent to a North-West Hawaii) I found myself waiting 3 hours for a ferry back to the mainland. With the temperature ranking in the mid 30’s drinking a lot of booze in a short amount of time seemed to be the natural cure for my boredom. After a few road beers, double Caesar’s, highballs, and tequila shots, belligerent status had been achieved, and I had become my personal favourite version of myself: The village idiot. As my accomplice and I boarded the ferry, he quickly fell victim to the closest chair - thus rendering him unconscious before we left the terminal. I cared little for this detail for the alcohol had hit me like a feminist at this point and my obje Read more:Tails
Desk Job 2006-07-26 00:28:00 My resume is comprised of a paper route, 2 Metal Shops, a Warehouse, and Tile and Window trades experience. When the opportunity of a desk job arose, naturally I saw it as my window to freedom. The positives (which I still do enjoy) were appealing to a Blue-Collared kid, who was tired of losing 2 litres of sweat for an 11 dollar an hour average. The office job offered higher pay, a laptop and cell phone, better hours, promotions at a growing company and a door into the world of business. This all seemed mighty tempting considering most of my jobs involved lifting an inanimate object and attaching it to another. As you can probably guess my opinion has begun to change. The “luxury” of an office job isn’t all it has cracked up to be. Don’t call me a pussy, this shit really does suck. The weight gain was something I didn’t factor in at all. Meetings with donuts, minimal body movement, business lunches and a fridge 10 feet away from my desk only begin to summarize the change
The Kyle Triad 2006-07-14 09:26:00 There is a continuous struggle happening as you read this. At this very moment in time, an evil aspect of Kyle is reigning supreme. This Kyle from now on will be referred to as Night Kyle. Night Kyle is a self indulgent prick. He cares for Night Kyle, and Night Kyle only. His list of despicable acts include the following: - Binge drinking on Monday evenings - Watching Southpark reruns religiously. - Starting a card game at 1am, in spite of an 8:00 morning meeting... 55km from his house. - Deciding that decaf is for pussies, and downing a black Grande at 9pm. - Skipping laundry, because Morning Kyle will always find something to wear to work. (Usually along the lines of grade 11 P.E. strip) - Eating enough cream cheese and crackers to put himself in a diabetic coma. - Smoking cigarettes to the point of shaking hands with raspy voice. - Spending $150 + at the local bar, money which is rightfully Day Read more:Triad
Progress... 2006-07-11 10:01:00 Hey all,Comments can be made by anyone and everyone now, so drop a couple. It'll help convince me this is actually read occasionally.- K
Pack of Smokes 2006-07-11 09:55:00 The summer air was finally cooling down as I left the North side of town. I had spent my night with a couple of the boys, a mixed hip-hop cd, a jumbo can of Heineken and a visit to a friend’s grave. Feeling the nicotine chill, I knew I would need to buy another pack of cigarettes before I got home. The next morning’s rush hour just wouldn’t be the same without it. I pulled the car left and walked into the local 7-11, armed with my blood red debit card, just itching for its last swipe of the day. I went about my normal lineup routine. Eye down the newest candy bars. Scan the tabloids to see if Brad and Angelina were still fucking. Drool slightly over the latest airbrushed Maxim cover. The usual time killers. I looked up at the cashier to recite my brand when suddenly my mind flashed to 90 minutes earlier:“Dude, you would not believe how ugly that cashier was. It was outrageous”. Paul said as he dropped into the shotgun seat of my car. I dropped Read more:Smokes
Ya, I got a Blog 2006-07-10 11:16:00 So I have a blog. I really don't know if I have the time, energy, creativity, willpower or writing skills to make it enjoyable but everything's worth a try now isn't it? Post your comments boys and girls.
PG-13 2006-07-10 10:19:00 Parental Guidance. It’s is rather simplified phrase fresh delivered from our good friends at the MPAA. Although a lesson on its background is hardly necessary let me paraphrase its intention: “There is some content in this movie that may not be suitable for children…. But its really not that bad. Families, get your tickets while they’re hot” Over many years I’ve seen my fair share of PG-13 movies, and having just returned from one I can’t help but seriously question what makes a movie appropriote for the family. Allow me to illustrate… Although I will not specifically name the movie, I’ll start off by saying Johnny Depp makes a bloody great pirate. In addition to my near boy-crush with him I truly enjoyed the following scenes: Giant tentacle creatures tackling ships of the damned, crows tearing strips off rotting corpses, bone paddles, lashings with a whip, multiple sword fights, explosions, gunfire.. hell come to think of it I should have sn
The Brown Acid – Part 2 2007-03-13 06:25:00 No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. – Bill Hicks, RelentlessMy good buddy Chris Breau once explained the LSD experience to me in his mad scientist sort of way. He took both hands and locked his fingers between one another.“You see these are your senses right?” I nodded. He pulled his hands downward while keeping the fingers locked, so some were close together, some far apart and some crisscrossed. “This is what Acid does to your senses”. To this day I can't assemble a better explanation.The peak of an acid trip is completely indescribable b Read more:Brown
Bigger and Better 2007-12-11 21:43:00 In case 9 months without a post wasn't a warning sign to you all, I think I'm done blogging. It was fun while it lasted however so thanks for all of your support and whatnot.The only writing I'm doing right now is video game reviews for Abort Magazine based out of Vancouver. Hopefully in the future you'll see my name on other columns and articles, but for now just video games. Feel free to check them out at http://abortmag.comThey will be distributing in Vancouver, LA, New York, Montreal and Toronto come 2008 so swing by a local skate shop and pick up a copy if you live in any of those areas.
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