Insert Funny Title Here
2007-06-06 19:14:36
So
So... What am I going to
write about? Nothing really
happened. I guess it's pretty hard to
have anything interesting to talk about when all I've done today is sit around,
bemoaning my own bad fortune and hacking up minor organs. Running on practically no sleep isn't
helping either. I feel like I’ve been
run over by a truck... a big truck... full of elephants... and dark matter...
I saw a commercial for the iPhone. I covet it. I want to
take it out to dinner, get it liquored up, and ravish it. I want to snuggle with it, roll over and let
it scratch my belly, fetch its slippers, and then curl up at the foot of its
bed. I want to shyly hold hands with
it, share an awkward first kiss, and dance to Journey with it while it clumsily
tries to feel me up. I guess what I’m
trying to say is, I like it. A lot.
Oh yeah, back to the complaining.
I hate being sick.
No picture tonight... I'm not getting out of bed.
Read more: Funny
, Title
In which an angry monkee steals your soul...
2007-06-05 19:28:21
Can I just say, technology is glorious
Can I just say, technology is glorious. Here I
am, completely unable to utter even the most basic of coherent sentences and I
can sit down to type a post that would literally kill me to try and say.
Glorious! Of course, I'm doing so while listening to my "no repeat
workday" music, which is what I like to call my new playlist
(because I'm a big dork) of a bunch of songs that I love and I might
add, obtained legally by ripping them from my own - purchased - CDs.
Also, glorious! Naturally, prior to sitting down to this task, I spent
the day working like a dog, only briefly pausing to check in with other blogs,
(I'm telling you, I still visit, I just don't have time to chat...and sometimes
I intentionally ignore certain things...like tags. I'm sick, you can't be
mad.) do some - purely fictional - online furniture shopping, and type
long winded and extravagant rough draf
Read more: angry
, steals
When lungs attack!!!
2007-06-10 20:36:18
So, it turns out that, while geography and my advanced age work wonders
on keeping my mother from being able to drag me to a d
So, it turns out that, while geography and my advanced age
work wonders on keeping my mother from being able to drag me to a doctor, my
dad, who lives with her and keeps her up at night with his coughing, is less
charmed. As such, he was forced to succumb to her gentle prodding and,
hog-tied and sedated, was carted off yesterday to go find out what disease he
has wrought upon our little family. I
am loathe to admit it, especially because it means acknowledging that not only
were you guys totally right, but that Kim
is apparently psychic, which is creepy:
“However, he may be a brilliant idea about
placing you on some antibiotics so that, gee, it doesn't turn into f'n
pneumonia! So, if you are not better by Monday, Mary Poppins, get yourself to
the doc!”
the verdict is bronchitis, which, if it persists for two weeks,
is treated wit
Read more: attack
Learned the Hard Way
2007-06-09 10:44:14
So, um...this is awkward...I forgot to post. Perhaps it's only made more awkward by the fact that I was only going to do the shortest little blip of a post anyway, but either way, awkward! I guess I'm just going to do it now. So, um...here goes.
I am going to share with you a little bit of my hard earned knowledge and save you the trouble of having to discover this on your own one day. Do not take a numbing throat lozenge and then eat hot food. It turns out, those suckers work surprisingly well and can totally mask the pain of a blistering tongue. They do, however, wear off eventually and that is when the fun truly begins. So, um, don't do that. =)
Read more: Learned
Just another boring post about peacocks...
2007-06-13 20:13:30
So, as you all know, my neighborhood is home to a large flock of unruly
peacocks who’s many antics and idiosyncrasies are a co
So, as you all know, my
neighborhood is home to a large flock of unruly peacocks who’s many antics and
idiosyncrasies are a constant source unrelenting, buttock clenching
annoyance. Between the roof races, late
night bellowing, and prodigious bottom shaking, not to mention the omnipresent
steaming piles and their deplorable peeping habit, they hold a monopoly on all
things exasperating and tedious. Of
course, there are still a few major perks to having peacocks around. There is, for example, a certain amount of
entertainment value to be had in watching half a dozen, not so bright birds
chase each other in endless circles around a bush or fall off a roof by
aimlessly wandering over the edge. Not
to mention, some lovely photo ops such as this:
Of course, none of this compares to the number one, most
fantastically glo
Read more: boring
Correspondence
2007-06-12 22:48:39
Dear Bronchitis,
Dear Bronchitis,
While
I admit I appreciated the couple of days off you gave me last week and I
enjoyed the fun we had bothering the cats, I think it’s time for us to say
goodbye. I’m tired of staying up nights
with you and dealing with your constant interruptions during the day and I’m
ready to move on. I’m sure you’ll meet
someone else who will find you as infectious as I once did.
Yours truly,
Maryam
Dear Maryam,
I’m
not buying your act for a second.
You’ve had it in for me from the very first day. Don’t think I didn’t notice your subtle
hints. All those pills and lozenges and
your pathetic attempts to starve me out; you’re pathetic. You may think you’re winning, but just you
wait and see. I may go away, but I’ll
be back….and I’ll bring friends!
Suck it,
Bronchitis
The Takedown
2007-06-11 19:40:05
“So,” my aunt says “how about you post a picture of Armon and Chayon (my
cousins)
“So,” my aunt says “how about you post a picture
of Armon and Chayon (my cousins). They
can certainly provide for a good laugh.”
“No problem.” I say. “I’ve got a couple in mind.”
So, ladies and gentlemen, may I present you with
a little series I like to call THE TAKEDOWN.
Teaser
2007-06-16 20:20:01
Read more: Teaser
Eight-year-old Logic
2007-06-15 19:26:26
“Grampa wasn’t asleep when you went in there, was he
“Grampa wasn’t asleep when you went in there, was
he?”
“No.”
“Oh good.”
“We waked him up.”
Read more: Eight
, Logic
The Power of Brainstorming
2007-06-14 20:31:07
I’ve been having so much trouble writing blog posts lately
I’ve been having so much trouble writing blog posts
lately. Between the fact that my life
has become an endless, droning, march of various forms of work and the reality
that I am able to devote less and less time to writing, I am faced with the
killer combination of nothing to write about and no time to write it in. As it turns out, that’s a major problem for
a blog. It’s a little sad really, I
remember a time at the beginning of the blog where my biggest problem was
keeping the posts short and now I find myself struggling to post anything at
all. If I could just find the time to
do something – anything – that isn’t mind numbing work, back breaking work,
never ending work, or all consuming work then I’m sure I could figure out
something to say, but no one wants to hear about the vacuuming, or the
construction scheduling, or what I didn’t get a chance to do with the baby
basket company y
A Little Take Out?
2007-06-20 21:00:42
Half way done with the pictures and feeling the pain...
2007-06-19 20:15:59
Teaser: The...um...three...quel?
2007-06-18 19:59:23
Read more: Teaser
Teaser: The Sequel
2007-06-17 20:28:46
Read more: Teaser
Sprint to the Finish
2007-06-23 22:29:55
It’s almost time
It’s almost time! Everything is
ready to go right this very second and all I have left to do is a little
testing with my friends and coworkers on Monday. I. Am. So.
Happy. So happy, in fact, that
I’ve decided to show you all my logo.
Hand drawn by yours truly with only the smallest amount of cursing and
head banging.
Read more: Sprint
, Finish
They made me an offer I couldn't refuse. No, really, I was asleep.
2007-06-22 19:53:02
Busy, busy, busy
Busy, busy, busy.
That’s really all there is to it this week. I have done nothing at all besides work, work, and more work and
I’ll tell ya, I’m starting to feel the burn.
On the bright side, it’s been going remarkably well. All the pictures have been taken and edited,
all the product descriptions have been written, all the packaging has been
settled on and prices decided. I even
designed and drew a logo. This weekend
should find the website completed and, with a little research and testing at
the beginning of next week, I should be ready to go. Sadly, all of this was of little consolation to the cats who
decided that my absence was unacceptable and informed me of this by peeing. On my pillow. In my bed. While I was
using it. There’s really nothing like
waking up to warm puddles. I imagine
it’s not that different from waking up with a severed horse head in your
bed. Only, perhaps, a little scarier.
And now,
Read more: asleep
Peeping Tom: Caught in the Act
2007-06-21 21:23:06
Read more: Peeping
, Caught
A Minor Distraction
2007-06-27 20:30:49
Can
I just tell you that I love my sister-in-law?
Seriously. LOVE her. And I know you might be asking yourselves
why or wondering what’s come over me, but that would only be because you are
not, at this very moment looking at what I’m looking at. If you WERE looking at it, you would not be
wondering what my motivations were, you would be trying to figure out if there
was a way to reach through the interwebs and snatch it off of my desk. And while I feel sorry for you, it will not
stop me from gloating over my own good fortune. That good fortune being the bestest sister-in-law EVER giving me
the bestest present EVER…um EVER!!!
Do you see
it? Do you love it? Doesn’t it just make you want to nuzzle the
screen and give it kisses? Doesn’t
it? DOESN”T IT!?!?!
How about
now? Now don’t you want to absorb the
vivid hues into your skin and soak in the CG sunlight?
What abo
Read more: Minor
Response
2007-06-26 20:51:37
To:
To:
1. The cat who peed on my pillow.
2. The cat who insists on sleeping on the
crappy ass pillow I have left.
3. The cat who insists on sleeping on me.
4. The cat who can hear the sound of an eyelid
closing and sees it as a sign that I want to pay attention to him.
5. The cat who brings me a toy every ten
minutes so I’ll drop what I’m doing and lavish him with praise.
6. The cat who stands in front of me on the
desk and swishes her tail in my face.
7. The cat who insists on being in the bathroom
with me.
8. The cat that sits next to my chair and
shrieks.
9. The cat who is currently biting me on the
ankle.
From: Me
I’m starting to get
the feeling that maybe you might possibly be interested in a little more of my
attention, perhaps. I’m not sure, but
it occurs to me that it’s likely that you may feel slightly ignored…ish. The thing is, you see, you all eat an awful
lot and poo an awful lot and you might b
Read more: Response
I figure, I owe you this.
2007-06-25 21:16:44
A stroll through the undiscovered archives:
A stroll through the undiscovered baby archives:
Read more: figure
Another senseless boardgame death...
2007-06-24 23:12:24
Teaser for the eleven o’clock news:
Teaser for the eleven o’clock news:
“A
game of Yahtzee leads to murder.”
Read more: death
Just Another Saturday Night
2007-06-30 20:38:36
There is a great battle being waged in our bed these days among the
various cats that want to sleep between us, on top of us,
Two adults, a man and a
woman, are in the middle of the road, trying to wrestle a snapping turtle the
size of a spare tire into a cooler, while the woman keeps squealing, “I don’t
wanna lose a toe!”
Just your run of the mill Florida style turtle
relocation for us, but I’ll bet that people who live in normal places, that
aren’t Florida, don’t tend to have to relocate giant turtles that’s decide to
hang out in the middle of the road. In
fact, I’m darn near certain that people that live in normal places haven’t had
to do it three or four times a year like it’s as routine as pausing to let a
pedestrian pass. And I’m absolutely
positive that people that live in normal places are rarely, if ever, in fear of
losing a toe to a wayward amphibian.
Florida sucks.
Read more: Saturday
, Night
, Saturday Night
Why nobody ever asks me what I'm thinking...
2007-06-29 20:31:39
So, I’m sitting in my office today and my boss, who just so happens to
also be my dad, is talking
So, I’m sitting in my
office today and my boss, who just so happens to also be my dad, is
talking. And talking and talking and
talking. And for whatever reason, the
word “homicide” pops into my head. You
know how a word or phrase can just pop into your head all of a sudden and get
stuck? Kind of like how a song gets
stuck, but it’s just one word like “onomatopoeia” or a phrase like “banana
hammock” and it just repeats in your head for no good reason whatsoever? Well, that was what happened. I thought of the word “homicide” and I just
couldn’t get it out of my head. So I
defined it for myself. Homicide means
one person killing another person. The
“hom” is the person being killed” and the “cide” is the act of killing. Homicide.
That’s homicide.
Patricide. Suddenly, and for reasons I can’t ev
Read more: thinking
The Saga of the Tubes!
2007-06-28 22:09:23
First you get an empty paper towel tube and put it on the baby’s foot
First you get an empty paper towel tube and put
it on the baby’s foot.
Then you get another one and do the same with the
other foot.
Now you have rabbit feet.
Of course, it’s only a matter of a couple of
kicks before she ejects them. That’s when you resort to Plan B. You put them on her arms.
What do you do with tubes on arm?
You karate chop.
And you pose like a “homey.”
And you make threatening faces.
And sometimes you hit yourself.
But you don’t let anyone help you.
Because you’ll be fine in a sec.
You’re a ninja.
Read more: Tubes
Happy Fourth of July!
2007-07-04 19:41:53
Let's blow stuff up!
Read more: Happy
The stuff no one wants to hear about...
2007-07-03 16:45:03
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, but I don’t really know how
to talk about it
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, but I
don’t really know how to talk about it.
While, on the one hand, I don’t want to make a big deal about nothing,
at the same time, I do think it’s worth mentioning. I think everybody has seen the news and has heard of the recent
terrorist activity and the warnings that there is more to come. Well, a little over a year ago, my family
decided to go on a Mediterranean cruise that was scheduled for…well, for right
now. However, after my sister-in-law
found out she was pregnant, we cancelled the trip in fear that the baby would
be too young to travel with. Had we
not, right about the time that all hell broke loose in London, we’d have been
passing through on our way to Barcelona to board the ship that would have taken
us all around southern France, Greece, and Italy for ten days before heading
back the way we came.
Read more: stuff
, wants
Questions
2007-07-02 16:44:18
Who is buying things from telemarketers
Who is buying things from telemarketers? Someone has to be doing it or they would
have given up by now. I want that
person found and sentenced to a lifetime of interrupted meals.
What is the point of living a life without the
glory that is an iPhone? I feel so
empty.
When is the world going to get over all of this
nonsense with Britney and Paris and Nicole and Lindsay and start focusing on
things that are really important…like what ever happened to Pauly Shore?
Where have all the ice cream trucks gone, now
that I am old enough to indulge as often as I’d like? How ghetto is it that I have to buy Bomb Pops from a brick and
mortar store, when I am so clearly willing to spend twice as much to have them
delivered to my driveway with a jaunty musical accompaniment?
Why would Paula Abdul think it’s a good idea to
have a reality show? Every clip I’ve
seen and comment that I’ve heard
Loop Holes
2007-07-01 17:44:02
I want an iPhone
I want an iPhone. I do.
I can’t think of any real reason why I should have an iPhone and I
certainly can’t think of any reasons why I NEED an iPhone, but I want one and
desire can be a powerful thing.
Especially when desire is combined with mobility and availability and
credit cards and a husband that knows that all he really needs to do to get an
iPhone out of me is drive me to an Apple store and say, “Hey, look, an iPh…”
Come
to think of it, The Husband’s birthday is coming up in August…Maybe HE needs an
iPhone. Of course, he just got a new
cell phone, so I suppose he wouldn’t be able to use it until his current
contract expires. Still, perhaps I
could think of something to do with it until then…
Read more: Holes
The Old Standby
2007-07-08 19:00:22
Do you ever do that thing where you have such limited time and so many
possible things to do with it that you can’t decide wha
Do you ever do that
thing where you have such limited time and so many possible things to do with
it that you can’t decide what you’re going to do and you end up doing nothing
at all? Like, I could write a post or play
a video game or read a book or work on the advertising for the baby site or
watch a movie or clean something or stare at a wall or count my arm hairs or
slowly and meticulously tear a single sheet of paper into as many tiny pieces
as I can and then sprinkle them in the air and pretend it’s snowing, but I just
can’t decide. Maybe I’ll just torment a
sleeping cat for a while…
I'm surprised they let me out of the house.
2007-07-07 18:17:14
There’s nothing like a day spent watching a five-hour-long version of
Pride and Prejudice with The Husband and nine pushy cats
There’s nothing like a
day spent watching a five-hour-long version of Pride and Prejudice with The
Husband and nine pushy cats. Cats, I
might add, that spent the entire time meticulously scooting me off the bed until
I had no choice but to lay across a corner of the foot of the bed with my legs
hanging off the side. Damn cats. The advantage of this position was that I
was able to spot the BIGGEST FREAKING SQUIRREL I”VE EVER SEEN! Or, at least, that’s what my brain started
screaming at me when I caught the movement out of the corner of my eye and so
what if I fell off the bed and made a spectacle of myself over nothing more
unusual than a neighborhood cat climbing a slanty tree, the point is…actually,
there is no point…carry on.
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