Owner: Larry Leek, Cyber Geek URL:http://www.larryleek.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2007 12:35:06 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Larry's blog is the only thing in the world that listens to him, his sister Miv thinks he is terminally weird and he has accidentally dyed his hair pink. How can Larry get from Planet Geek to Planet Cool without being beaten up by the class bully Lennox? Site statistics:Click here
The Facts of Life 2007-03-26 20:49:00 Tonight I had my first proper talk about the facts of life with Mum.We sat at the kitchen table after dinner. (Fish fingers, chips and peas.)I told Mum that -Fact 1. Wales is not flat like Norfolk; it is much hillier.Fact 2. She gets vertigo on the escalator in M&S.Fact 3. She cannot speak Welsh.When I had finished Mum rolled her eyes (Miv gets it from her) and said, 'For God's sake Larry, if you're talking about Dylan I've got no intention of upping sticks and moving to Wales.'Dylan!?! Sensei Thomas's real name is Dylan Thomas!?!I tried not to smirk through my relief.'Anyway,' continued Mum. 'I finished with him on Friday. He wasn't my type.'That wiped the smirk off my relief. Mum finished with Dylan Thomas three days ago and didn't tell me! 'Why didn't you tell me?' I asked.'I didn't think it was important,' said Mum with a shrug.Not important?! That's three whole days of superficial worrying I have gone through, waiting for Mum to announce her engagement to a
Addendum to Electrocuted Heron 2007-03-28 17:43:00 No.4 have complained about a bad smell coming from Mr Purefoy's compost bin now the weather is warming up. Read more:Addendum
, Heron
Miv's 14th Birthday 2007-03-31 18:04:00 Today is Miv's 14th birthday.Dad dropped by with his present on his way to a Puppet Festival in Rhyll. He got Miv two tickets for the Wasted Warriors gig at the Stonehouse next month. The Wasted Warriors are Miv's all time favourite band. She plays their Cd's over and over again in her room. Miv did big girlie un-Miv-like squeals when she opened the tickets.Granny Leek sent Miv a book token for £10 and a bag of chocolate Mini eggs for Easter. Small squeals over the chocolate eggs.I got a bag too. So far I have eaten only the blue ones.The biggest girlie squeal came when Miv opened Mum's present. It was a mobile phone. Miv has been on about having one for ages. According to Miv all her friends have a phone and she is a social leper without one; and is that what Mum wants: an outcast freak for a daughter; and is Mum trying to ruin her life for ever, etc. etc. etc.It is a tactic I might deploy for my birthday in May. To my knowledge I am the only boy in Year 6 without a handheld.I ga Read more:Birthday
April Fool's Day 2007-03-30 18:03:00 I know it isn't April
Fool's Day today but try telling that to Lennox Hardy.Because the real April Fool
's Day is on Sunday he brought it forwards so no one had to miss out. ie. mostly me.Thankfully term ended just after lunchtime play so I only had to put up with his tomfoolery for three and a half hours. Mrs Harboard, the lollipop/dinner lady, kindly unlocked the play den to let me out at break time and again at lunchtime play.Wolsey High didn't finish until half past one so I had half an hour to kill before Miv could let me into my own home. (How do you kill half an hour? Anyway...)I decided to go to Wolsey Road Library. I haven't been there since Christmas and I am by nature a keen reader, even though I don't often have time to read. I thought it would be a good idea to get a book out on hormones. That was until I saw old Mrs Beaver the part-time librarian at the desk. So I took out 'The Flora and Fauna of New South Wales' and 'Modern Psychology' instead, which was the clo
A Shock Announcement 2007-04-01 11:06:00 Mum has just announced we are going to visit Uncle Jim in the Lake District for Easter.This does not bode well for a relaxing holiday.Uncle Jim works as a Lake District National Park Ranger. He is also a fanatical rock climber.The last time I saw Uncle Jim he was hanging by his fingernails from a rock face on the side of Helvellyn - and enjoying it!I have three days to prepare. We leave on Thursday. Read more:Shock
, Announcement
A Trip to Milletts 2007-04-02 17:04:00 You would think a trip to Milletts to buy walking boots and pac-a-macs for three people would be a straightforward exercise.Mum and me had bought ours after ten minutes.It took Miv another 34 minutes and 29 seconds to decide between a pair of brown boots for £36.99 and another pair of brown boots for £44.99. She bought the £44.99 pair of brown boots.BORING! It was the longest 34 minutes and 29 seconds of my life. I will never ever go shopping with Miv again. Even Mum started tapping her foot after 15 minutes and she is a marathon shopper herself.Then Miv started dithering over a navy pac-a-mac versus a green one.Mum took the decision out of her hands. She grabbed the navy pac-a-mac, marched up to the checkout and paid for it before Miv could object.Miv moaned all the way home in the car that she preferred the green one as it was more 'green'.I ask you. How can green plastic rainwear be any more environmentally friendly than the same garment in navy?
Fat Bob in Kennels 2007-04-04 21:27:00 Lullaby Cottage Cattery have refused to take Fat Bob while we are on holiday in the Lake District.The proprietors Mr and Mrs Nuttall were rather tight-lipped when we turned up at the cattery. They told Mum that the last time Fat Bob was there he ate more than all the other cats put together. They said they were 'trying to run a cattery business not a rehab clinic for felines with a compulsive eating disorder'.Fat Bob is now booked into the Happy Hound Kennels. It was the only place that would take him at short notice.
Lake District 1, Uncle Jim 2007-04-05 20:07:00 Uncle Jim lives in a tiny two bedroomed terraced house full of climbing ropes and crampons in Keswick (pronounced Kez-Zik not Kes-Wick). It took us six hours to get here; two and a half of them were spent trying to get out of Norfolk.Miv spent the whole journey texting her friends on her new mobile phone.I was only car sick twice.Uncle Jim is Mum's younger brother by six whole years but he is a lot taller than Mum. He has to duck his head just to get in his own front door and when he is inside he takes up a lot of room.Since I saw him last he has grown a ponytail and is scruffier than Dad. He calls Mum Ali (short for Alison) like Dad used to. It seems odd to hear Mum being called by her real name again. I notice that Miv has tried calling her Ali a few times but I think I will stick to Mum.Uncle Jim is a good cook. We had lamb curry with naan bread for tea.I am too tired to post anymore this evening. Uncle Jim has gone down the pub. Mum and Miv are sharing a bedroom but I've got to s Read more:District
, Uncle
Lake District 3, Psychopathic Tendencies 2007-04-07 19:48:00 Mum and Miv went off shopping in Carlisle early today.I went to work with Uncle Jim.Uncle Jim is a psychopath.I thought a Park Rangers job would be driving around all day drinking cups of tea in cosy farmhouse kitchens and eating generous slices of cake made by ruddy-faced farmer's wives while pet lambs lay their sad woolly heads in your lap.Not so!While normal people park their cars in a car park and take the lift to work, Uncle Jim parks his National Park Rangers Landrover at the bottom of a mountain and walks for miles and miles up it carrying his tools over his shoulder like one of the seven dwarfs. He then spends all day digging holes on the side of the windswept mountain, exposed to all the elements, just so he can drag boulders around to put in the holes. And he says it is the best job in the world!He was in charge of two other dwarfs (helpers) called Jim and Alan. I had to call Uncle Jim, Jim 1 and the other Jim, Jim 2. Jim 2 thought this was hilarious. The two Jims and one Al Read more:District
Lake District 2, Berserk in Keswick 2007-04-06 20:14:00 There isn't a lot to do in Keswick.This morning we went to the Cumberland Pencil Museum - "The Home of the First Pencil".It is also the home of the world's longest pencil - 7.91 metres (25ft 5 inches) long. It is deep cadmium 6 (yellow).The entrance to the museum is through a replica of a graphite mine under a sign which said, 'Mind Your Head'. Uncle Jim had to stoop all the way. People in olden times must have been very short.Miv refused to come into the museum. Instead she sat outside on a wall so she could carry on texting her friends.Graphite is a form of carbon. It was discovered by shepherds in Borrowdale in Tudor times. In the beginning they used it to draw on their sheep. How stupid is that?! Everybody knows paper is much better to draw on!Borrowdale graphite was very expensive and was transported from the mines to the Tower of London by armed stage coach. In the eighteenth century smugglers used to smuggle graphite out of the Lake District
on pack horses. That must have be
Lake District 4, Uncle Jim in kennels 2007-04-08 19:41:00 Uncle Jim is in the dog house after last night.He crashed through the front door at 1 o'clock in the morning singing the lyrics to U2's Sunday Bloody Sunday at the top of his voice.Mum and Miv gave him the silent treatment at breakfast. I do think Mum is a bit of a hypocrite. She didn't care who she woke up after a night out with Sensei Thomas.Uncle Jim didn't seem to notice he was in the dog house. By half past ten we all had our walking boots and pac-a-macs on while he marched us up Great Gable. It took us a whole day to get there and back. Miv moaned all the way that she couldn't get a reception on her phone.Chicken korma and onion bhajis for tea. Read more:District
, Uncle
Lake District 5, Mrs Tiggywinkle 2007-04-09 18:18:00 Uncle Jim went climbing in Borrowdale today with Jim 2 and Alan 1. He didn't ask me to go climbing with him which I have to admit was a bit of a relief. I have been worrying he might ask me ever since we got here.Uncle Jim is exhausting. He never sits still. If he's not digging holes or climbing, he's juggling or cooking or drinking beer or tinkering inside the engine of his Landrover.Me, Mum and Miv drove down to Bowness by Lake Windermere to visit The World of Beatrix Potter. Miv didn't really want to go but she had no choice. It was The World of Beatrix Potter or climbing with Uncle Jim and his lunatic friends.There was a sign at the entrance which asked you to switch off your mobile phone while inside like you have to at the cinema. Miv got all stroppy until Mum promised to buy her a double choc mint chip ice cream with a flake if she shut up.Miv stopped complaining once we were inside. Although she did sigh a lot which spoilt some of my enjoyment of the scene of Peter Rabbit i Read more:District
A Metaphoric Broad Bean 2007-04-12 14:31:00 The broad bean I grew for Miv as a 14th birthday present died while we were on holiday at Uncle Jim's. It was all sad and withered in its pot when we got back.I do think Miv could have taken more care of it, like asking a friend to water it while we were away.I mentioned this to Mum but she just said, 'Get a grip Larry. It was only a pea.'I said, 'It was a bean.''I don't give a fig,' said Mum and started cackling. This is what passes for humour in the Leek household.Fat Bob is off his food again.Mum is refusing to take him to see Mr Clipper. She says he isn't worth the £75 it cost last time. (She means Fat Bob not Mr Clipper. Or maybe both.)Instead Mum phoned the Happy Hound Kennels to ask for advice. They said that Fat Bob had gone through their entire stock of cat food in the first two days and they had had to give him dog food as the cash and carry was shut over Easter. His favourite flavour was 'tripe and onions'.Mum has gone out to buy some Butcher's Choice.It has occ Read more:Broad
Fat Bob Recovers his Appetite 2007-04-13 18:24:00 Fat Bob is back to his usual three tins a day - of Butcher's Choice.
Persecution 2007-04-15 13:27:00 Mr Hopgood said 'hello' to me today.My life is not my own anymore. Read more:Persecution
Hodgkins & Burkiss 2007-04-14 19:09:00 The weirdest day.At 12.05pm a Hodgkins & Burkiss removal lorry pulled up outside no.5.Mum, who is naturally nosy, practically had her nose glued to the window pane and said, 'Isn't that your teacher, Mr Hopgood?'It was!Hodgkins & Burkiss sound like Victorian grave robbers but instead of two Victorian thugs with long handled shovels and pick axes slung over their shoulders, Mr Hopgood jumped down from the cab.I needed to set up an emergency observation post quick.Mum caught me standing on the downstairs toilet seat with my nose pressed up against the glass (it was the only way I could see anything). The frosting was useless. I could only make out vague blurry shapes. Any one of which could have been Mr Hopgood. She asked me what I was doing?I said the first thing that came into my head, 'Bird watching'.It must have been the sight of Mr Hopgood. The hours I have spent compiling his bird watching spreadsheets have obviously left their mark. Probably my brain has devoted a whole n
The Homeless 2007-04-16 22:08:00 Dad phoned this evening while Miv and Mum were out at karate.He said something about being evicted from his flat for non-payment of rent.At school we are taught to be kind and caring to the homeless.I tried to feel kind and caring about Dad, but all I feel is worried in case someone at school finds out? First Mr Hopgood and now Dad. I am burdened under the weight of secrets.First day back at school tomorrow.
Countdown 2007-04-18 18:30:00 So far so good. No one suspects Mr Hopgood of being my neighbour.It is twenty days until my birthday and twenty-six days until the start of SATS. We have been practicing on past papers. Read more:Countdown
Tangled Pretzels 2007-04-17 18:18:00 Mr Hopgood leaves for St. Clements Primary half an hour before me - which is a relief.At school the lower years have gone mad on skipping. You cannot cross the playground without getting whiplash from some one's rope. Only the Year 6 boys are aloof.I tried it out at lunch time break. Alice Noble lent me her skipping rope and showed me how to do a pretzel, but I got all tangled up and fell over just as Lennox Hardy came past. He bounced a basketball off my head. It really hurt.I thought about telling Mrs Harboard the lollipop/dinner lady but she was doing a double pretzel with Mrs Shap the reception teacher. Read more:Tangled
, Pretzels
The Homeless II 2007-04-19 21:15:00 Dad phoned again.Mum was working late and Miv was in her room playing her Wasted Warriors cds really loud so he only had me to talk to. He said he was staying with Granny Leek in her spare room for the time being until he could find somewhere better. I pity him. Anywhere is better than Granny Leeks'.To tell the truth I had forgotten all about Dad being homeless. It is easy to see why the homeless are invisible when I can't even remember my own dad is one.While I was talking to Dad on the phone I heard the cat flap go. There was a loud banging and crashing from the kitchen. Then Fat Bob came in dragging something behind him.My first thought was that Fat Bob had brought in one of Mr Purefoy's tartan slippers again. Fat Bob has spent most of his time since his stay in the Happy Hound Kennels digging holes in Mr Purefoy's garden. But a tartan slipper could not have made that much noise.It turned out to be a football boot, the left one, size 9, that Fat Bob had been dragging in by the l
Salmagundi Saturday 2007-04-21 20:08:00 I haven't seen Dad since Miv's birthday three Saturday
s ago. It's funny but I didn't really think about him much during that time. I almost forgot I had a dad. But it was nice to see him anyway, even if he did bring Pirate Percy with him.Dad said something really strange about it being safer to bring him along. Safer for who, I wonder? Or should that be 'whom', I wonder? Pirate Percy or Dad or Miv, or me even? Or should that be 'even me'?Dad took us to the park to play football.Miv wandered off to the skateboard park again. I don't know why. It's not as if she's even been on a skateboard never mind own one. I tried it once. But I discovered I have no balance.Dad, me and Pirate Percy played football until we got bored and went to watch the old men and their boats at the yacht pond. There was one built like a replica of a German World War II boat.When I got home Miv said why didn't I tell her Dad was living at Granny Leeks?I said, 'I forgot.'.Miv said, 'Poor sod.'.I hope Read more:Salmagundi
Salmagundi 2007-04-20 20:37:00 Salmagundi was a favourite food of pirates. It is a salad made from meat, eggs, anchovies and onions with lettuce. I read about it in my book Pirates, Smugglers and Gentlemen of the High Seas. I would like to be a pirate but I don't think I could eat salmagundi. It sounds like left overs to me. I'm not keen on ordinary salad either.Today I have had a salmagundi sort of day.Cyber Freaks Club at lunch time was brilliant. We now have eight members. No messages for Jangofett yet but it is early days.I managed to avoid Lennox Hardy all day, which is a bonus point.After school I played fetch with Fat Bob and his football boot for half an hour.Mum made a brilliant tea - spaghetti bolognese with garlic bread, my favourite.Only 18 days until my birthday and 24 days to SATS. Read more:Salmagundi
Salmagundi Monday 2007-04-23 18:14:00 This is definitely the last time I will use the word 'salmagundi'.It is 15 days until my birthday and 21 days to SATS. Read more:Salmagundi
, Monday
Salmagundi Sunday 2007-04-22 13:27:00 I realise I am in danger of overusing the word 'salmagundi' a bit so I will stop. Although 'SalmagundiSunday
' does rhyme well. Even if it doesn't make any sense.It is 16 days until my birthday and 22 days to SATS.
Granny Leek 2007-04-28 19:58:00 On the surface Granny Leek looks like any other little old lady. She has a face like a wrinkly apple and fluffy white hair that you can see her scalp through. She wears thick square glasses and she lives with a budgerigar in a two bedroom sheltered housing bungalow.Mum says that underneath Granny Leek's acrylic cardigan beats a heart as hard as nails. And after a night spent sleeping on Granny Leek's Z Bed I am inclined to agree with Mum.It started OK. Dad picked me up from school without Pirate Percy. Which was a huge relief. But then he said Pirate Percy was tucked up in his rucksack on his back and muttered something about him being safer in there.When we got to Granny Leek's she had cooked us a proper old-fashioned sort of tea: steak and kidney pie with vegetables and everything. Mum hardly ever cooks anything like that unless she can buy it frozen. I didn't like the kidney bits though so I picked them out and put them on the side of my plate. Granny Leek asked me if I was 'si
Brain Dead Brethren 2007-04-26 21:24:00 Mum and Miv are all excited about the Wasted Warriors gig tomorrow night. They are dancing round the living room to the track Brain
Dead Brethren at full volume. If Mr Purefoy hears he will ring Neighbourhood Watch again.Me and Fat Bob are aloof in my room. Fat Bob is playing at the bottom of my bed with his football boot. He holds it in his front paws while pummelling it with his back paws and gnawing at it like a kitten. He looks quite cute if you ignore the bad breath and BO.This is the last night I will sleep in my own bed. Tomorrow I go to Granny Leek's. I have packed my pyjamas and toothbrush in my school rucksack.
Wasted Warriors 2007-04-25 21:09:00 Mum just burst into my bedroom to tell me that she is going with Miv to the WastedWarriors
gig at the Stonehouse on Friday.I am in shock. Surely my mother is too old for that sort of thing?I said nothing though. I have learnt from my mistakes in the past i.e. Sensei Thomas.Mum said I will have to go to Granny Leek's for the night.I asked, 'What about Fat Bob?'Mum said, 'He can look after himself for one night.'I said, 'If Fat Bob can then so can I.'But Mum wasn't having any of it. So Granny Leek's it is.I feel sad for Fat Bob. He will have no one to play fetch with his football boot.Dad is going to pick me up after school. I hope he doesn't bring along Pirate Percy. That's all I need right now: Dad and his little wooden friend appearing at the school gates. My zero credibility would go into minus figures.
The Under Stairs Cupboard 2007-04-30 21:09:00 Mum and Miv are out at karate. I have searched the house from top to bottom in all the obvious and not so obvious places. I even went into the under stairs cupboard where the hoover is kept. But I cannot find my presents.It is 8 days to my birthday and 14 days to SATS. Read more:Stairs
The Return of the Boot 2007-04-29 15:06:00 Fat Bob has lost his football boot.Well, not lost really. He had to give it back to its owner.I saw Mum talking to Mr Hopgood this morning when he went to get his Sunday papers. When Mum came in she asked me if Fat Bob had brought in anything 'unusual' lately.I said, 'No'. Which is true. There is nothing unusual about a football boot.She said there was no need to cover up for Fat Bob as she had seen him playing with a boot.That is typical grown up behaviour - asking a question they already know the answer to just to catch you out.Then she went to find the boot to give back to Mr Hopgood.Poor Fat Bob has nothing to play with now. He will have to go back to digging holes in Mr Purefoy's garden. Read more:Return
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