Owner: Crabmommy. URL:http://crabmommy.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2007 09:24:11 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Lazy. Selfish. Opinionated. Judgmental. Whiny. Badmommy. (Humorous rants on motherhood.) Site statistics:Click here
Bring in the Doulo 2007-03-02 20:21:00 That's male for "doula."I just read a HILARIOUS short story by the HILARIOUS Sam Lipsyte. It is about a loser guy who has a bunch of pathetic jobs and then reinvents himself as a male doula -- or doulo -- at which he is also very pathetic. Sam Lipsyte is brilliant. The piece isn't available online I don't think but it is in the November 2006 back issue of Playboy so reach over to your man's side of the bed and borrow it. (Yes, Playboy is a respected venue for fiction and that is why your man is reading it in the first place. Literary man!) Back to the story, in it the doulo works a postpartum role: he fumbles around giving breastfeeding advice ("we've got to get this latch-on on") and tries to be useful in other ways, e.g., as the one whose job it is to "order up some pizza if we all wanted pizza. My mentor, Fanny Hitchens, always stressed the importance of pizza. Pizza, even just the idea of pizza, binds people together in their common love of pizza."Sam Lipsyte also wrote a hila
Goodnight Mosh: Sleeping en Famille Part 2 2007-03-02 05:04:00 Okay. So you know I just wanted to use my alternative title, Goodnight
Mosh, for those poor peeps moshing in their Manhattan beds.But I do have something to add. Right when I was posting my advice about removing those poor little Manhattanites from their cavernous rooms and stuffing them into cozy closets instead, my own Crabtot (who refuses to nap but is meant to have quiet time in her room at lunch) fell asleep IN HER CLOSET. I kid you not.I am telling you, the Crabmommy Sleep Methods work, people. Read more:Sleeping
Goodnight Nobody 2007-03-01 23:05:00 Family beds are for ninnies.I am not talking about the willing co-sleeping arrangement (which is also for ninnies), I am talking about the NY Times piece today about the many reluctant co-sleepers, i.e., exhausted, peeved parents who still can’t get their much-too-old mites to stay in their bloody beds and thus the poor mom and dad sleep in a nest of small-people who spin around and -- as one parent described -- pluck out the chest-hairs of dad. A signature sleep move, indeed.Yes, sleeping with your kids is apparently a commonplace nightmare:http://news.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/02/28/whose-bed-is-it-anyway/Check it out. It is not only interesting on the sleep side of things but also quite fascinating to learn about the volleys of chicks making money as big-time sleep consultants in NY and LA. Like the director of Soho Parenting (what a name) who is also Pat the Bunny’s granddaughter.Back to the ninny-point, from which I segued. Why, if only these parents would learn from my blog they Read more:Goodnight
, Nobody
The Cure for Whining 2007-02-27 22:23:00 I cannot tolerate whining. From children.In my opinion only mothers should be allowed to whine. Our voices are (generally) deeper and our reasons for whining (always) more compelling. And as you know, I love a good whine. I try to whine about something at least twice a day, and indeed, I think mothers should be encouraged to whine whether it comes naturally to them or not. But children can and should be trained not to. Especially if they live in Wyoming and have rural western accents at age two. Rural western accent+carping/whinnying =appalling din.Many of you -- sensing that I know what I am doing when it comes to dealing with toddlers -- have asked me to share my secret method for stopping the small people from making that infernal noise, like a permanent mosquito in Mama’s ear. Since we are always eager to share in our house, I am only too happy to tell you what it is I do to stop Crabtot from whining. In 3 Simple Steps.Step 1: So easy, but can diminish in efficacy over time. Pret
Spank My Baby One More Time 2007-02-23 20:38:00 Britney is on everyone’s lips with her poor little weird head and antics but I don’t really have anything to say about Britney, I just gave my header a flavor of Brit to show that I am aware of misbehaving moms, whoever and wherever they may be.But what I really wanted to mention is that California has decided to drop its move to make spanking one’s kids illegal, viz. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070223/ap_on_re_us/spanking_billYay! Now I can move to California, which is one of the dreams I indulge in from time to time here in Wyoming. For a while, though, my dream was put aside what with Assemblywoman Sally Lieber and Arnie Schwarzenegger letting me know that tot-spanking would land my sorry bum in jail (where IT would likely be spanked by a big bay area dyke with keychain hanging off her jeans, no?).WEAK HAND-FLAPS THAT DON’T DO MUCH OF ANYTHINGI admit it. Sometimes I spank Astrid. I am a Spankmommy. Do I “believe” in spanking? I don’t. I also don’t believe in wearing
Banana Condom Revisited 2007-02-21 05:20:00 I just can't get enough of the banana condom, especially the following text from the "Banana Bunker" website, which tells us something about the product creator:"Paul is a tremendously creative individual, with a focus on Product Design accumulating over 9 patents over the last few years on products for the house wares industry. The most successful of those products is the Banana Bunker, which will transform the way individuals will treat his or her own diet, allowing consumers to eat healthier. Even in this fast paced economy, these products create the possibility of eating fresh fruit whenever the consumer wishes."What the hell does the economy have to do with putting a dildo on a banana, Paul? You are tremendously creative though. No question about that. And I love that you have a real goal in life: to "create the possibility of eating fresh fruit whenever the consumer wishes." Syntax aside, you've really nailed a gap in the market, Paul. Up until now -- with the advent of your ba Read more:Condom
, Revisited
Lunchbox Banana Condom 2007-02-19 18:25:00 Imagine sending your child off to school with one of these in his lunchbox: http://bananabunker.com/When he is expelled from school for bringing sex toys, or when he is BRUTALLY MOCKED, at least he can say, "My banana is fresher than yours!"Back at home, Mum rests easy knowing she has packed the absolute best lunch, in the best possible way. Love is... a fresh banana. Super!Thanks to Adrianne for the link. Read more:Condom
, Lunchbox
Bosom Buddies: Tit-illation in Lactation Nation 2007-02-16 06:49:00 Sometimes I am glad to be far from the sophisticated urban lacto-jungle that is my former home, Brooklyn, NYC.Apparently a spot of boob-sharing (nursing your pal's tot) is on for one Brooklyn writer and her breast friend:http://www.babble.com/content/articles/features/personalessays/baumgardner/breastfriends/I am sorry to, once again, have to trash some Babble.com person but this chick and her pal who nurse each other's babies for kicks (or as they call, it, "bonding") make me want to button up their bosoms on their behalf. Being a Victorian occasionally feels chic. This is one of those moments.Please do read the piece. And the comments are equally icky, supportive and open-minded as they are. Bah humbug, i say to the mom who says "it's the way it's been done for thousands of years." So this is rationale for boob-swinging -- that it is an old tradition of sorority or somesuch that's gone on since boob immemorial. Whaa?! OK, I don't really bloody know a thing about it, but I highl Read more:Bosom
, Buddies
Valentine’s Daycare 2007-02-15 01:08:00 I used to heart daycare.But today I hate it. Almost as much as I will hate myself tomorrow for sending my tot, Astrid, off to daycare, armed with a dozen individual Valentine
s treats in small bags along with dollar-store Valentines cards addressed to two-year-olds who haven’t the foggiest what this day is all about.I don’t either know what this day is about: after twelve years of living in the US, it still mystifies me. Where I come from (South Africa) Valentine’s Day was always a day reserved expressly for romance. You did not give Valentines to your mother, mom-in-law, or to small people in pull-ups or their friends. You did not give Valentines blandly, to just pals, in some happy, all-inclusive goodwill gesture, bleeding the day of its lust. Valentine’s Day was all about major crushes and red-hot love. You gave a Valentine card to your heart’s desire, or maybe you gave two or three if you were feeling especially promiscuous. But all in the name of passion. And unless you w Read more:Daycare
Crib Envy 2007-02-09 18:18:00 Having a child has made me a shallower person.Here’s an anecdote by way of example:Recently the NY Times announced a new online magazine, babble.com, for hip ironic parents, a magazine ostensibly showcasing people talking about parenthood with a no-holds-barred honesty, telling it like it really is, with lashings of bleak humor and risque self-analyses and uncomfortable truths and so forth. Sounds promising, thinks I. Cut to said magazine where on its inaugural page one may click on videos of new parents dishing it like it really is. I am picturing people who look like me: in a purple robe, teeth yellowed by too much coffee, general dishevelment abounding, a flotilla of wadded diapers spilling out of the bin in the background.But what I find first is the founding eds (who are married to each other), adorable dad and an astonishingly svelte and lovely cool-glass-of-milk-type mom, dandling upon the knee their tot, himself a veritable union of tasteful genes. The parents interrupt one a
The sound of my own voice... 2007-02-07 22:46:00 ...is, on paper, rather a nice thing to me, and this new blog will give me another venue for my bleatings about life as a mom. As a grass-is-greener kind of mom (who often envies her babe-less pals) and a glass-is-really-very-close-to-empty sort of gal, it is only natural for me to complain at length about momhood, even though I have a most excellent tot by any standards and a darned good hubby too.But that is not the point. The point is to mewl as much as poss about being a mother so that I can keep myself from losing it completely. I have a giant wad of info on my computer in a folder labeled All Things Baby and I've been planning to turn the mush into bloggishness for a long time. Plans to put on here: the blackly humorous, the uncomfortable, the taboo tidbits and bits o'wisdom gleaned from being a self-absorbed 35-year-old who got knocked up 2 years ago, and has spent the time since then slavishly devoted to a bounteous infant who -- deliciousness notwithstanding -- has totally d
Google Thinks I am Bulimic 2007-03-05 05:30:00 Dear Google
, Host of My Blog,I’m writing to inquire why you think I’m bulimic. Judging by the ads you are running (to the right of my blog posts), you clearly think I am bulimic and/or anorexic. Every day there is a steady stream of eating disorder related advertising on my blog.I never thought I would make any actual money off this blog but I did want to get people to read it so I signed up with your Google Adsense and Adwords and all that. I thought I understood it: you key in words you think your blog is all about and then Google places it on websites, which in turn gets content-appropriate ads placed on Crabmommy’s site. But how do you guys get from me to an eating disorder? If I were you and I were trying to target things to some momhood-related blog, surely weight loss clinics would be more appropriate than weight gain ones? And a few ab-toner ads. I am quite sure that would get me more clicks from my readership. My seven readers are mostly new moms, and as a group I think
Sorry We Can't Make it to Your Child's Party 2007-03-09 20:49:00 But we will be in Utah.This is what I say every time Crabtot is invited to a children's birthday party (i.e., a large festival charitably involving everyone and their children). As pictured here, Crabtot is enraged because the birthday kid had received a present, and Crabtot, hopped up on cake and juice, does not understand why she couldn't snatch the present -- a lovely little doll -- and have a really long "turn" with it. (I wish I were a better techiemom and could have cropped this photo and enlarged just Tot's face and mine, but I no longer have even so much as Photoshop on my barely-hanging-on-by-a-thread computer, so...but click on pic and I think it will get bigger, the better to appreciate the facial expressions in it).Here's an open question to people who hold large b’day parties for small people: why don’t you put Benadryl in the cake icing? Come on, it’s a special occasion. Once a year. And they would enjoy themselves so much more if they were…asleep. My policy Read more:Party
I always Swore I would Never Have a Post with the Word "Poop" in it 2007-03-12 20:56:00 Much less "poop" in the title header.But in the interests of giving great advice to you all, as I always
do, I thought to pass on the following toilet training video link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFVoLz88hiUTrust the Japanese to make a cute animated poop.
See the Sleeping Gummi 2007-03-18 15:33:00 Behold the Crabtot's daily gummi bear, this one taking a "little tiny resti-pops," as we call it in our house. (Sorry the image is a bit pathetic -- camera is one problem and then to take it further, I can't crop cause I aint got Photoshop [or any sort of image program]...the saga of Crabmom's computer-nonsense continues but hold on, friends, hold on, for my new Mac arrives next week if the idiots at Apple will stop phoning me and just get on with the sending...will soon be awash in swell new equipment.) Back to the point, sadly Crabtot's own little tiny resti-pops is a thing of the distant past; you may recall that we have moved from naptime to so-called quiet time. Occasionally there is a brief spell of silence when she falls asleep in the closet, but mostly quiet time is a loud affair involving constantly banging doors and threats of denying the gummi bear that makes life worth living. Make that "an orange one." And only an orange one. Here's an irony Crabgrandmommy pointed out Read more:Sleeping
, Gummi
Carping at the Godmommies 2007-03-20 06:10:00 Beating up on Christian moms and their blogs is surely shooting fish in a barrel.But allow me one fishy. I never intended this blog to be petty or meanspirited. But allow me one moment of petty meanspiritedness, please. Let's blame it on Google Adsense again. I found my blog listed on a site called CleanChristianhumor.com. But Google, if I were a Christianmommy I would find Joy in the Morning, like this one: http://joyinthemorning.clubmom.com/People, she has 10+ children. And she homsechools them. And finds joy. In the morning. Good God. God is good. He endows us with the myriad fruits of our loins. And then makes us homeschool them.A good god to me is one that gives you one child and then taketh away the ability for you to get all moony over newborns again. Seriously, one is the new seven. I'm sure of it.Crabmommy has never found religion. And for that I feel eternally grateful. If I found joy in the morning, or, for that matter, at 11 pm Wyomingian time, I wouldn't be here in my r
Cover Girl Clavel 2007-03-22 00:33:00 I made fun of a Christian mom in my last post and now my numbers have dropped. Oh dear. Godmoms, please come back! I promise not to insult you anymore. Some of my best friends are Christians. In fact, in this here post I celebrate a woman of God -- namely, the nun, Miss Clavel, in the Madeline stories. Yesterday, while Crabtot was watching me put on makeup, she pointed at the tube of mascara on the counter and said, "There's Miss Clavel!"I didn't put up this blog to brag about Crabtot, but let's be frank, the girl knows her shapes and colors. And her nuns. To see as the Crabtot sees, I photographed Miss Clav on the book here: Then, I took my pathetic camera skills (sorry, still no Photoshop and still no figuring out of the manual functions on my camera) to Cover
Girl mascara tube itself. The result is not great, but I think the message comes through: God is in the details.
Miss Clavel is Gay! 2007-03-23 20:28:00 That's what Google thinks. Why else are they running this new ad, "Are You Gay? 20 Questions to Find Out"?Google, you people are so prejudiced. You see a nun and you think "lesbian." Stereotyping people with regard to sexual orientation is so five years ago. You can't tell by looking. Except if they have hairy moles and dangly woman-symbol earrings and they are your midwife. Then you can make an educated guess.Back to the point, Google, maybe YOU'RE gay.Okay, now I'd really better stop this. I have already ruined my Adsense forever. Quick, let's get some relevant words in here: toddler toddler toddler mommy blog mommy blog coool hip urban rural mommy. Google you guys are totally wrong about miss clav she is so not gay. But, Pepito, the boy next door... I think he's going to be gay when he grows up. Or anorexic. He's already anorexic in that Madeline Goes to London..."soon he grew thin, then thinner and thinner." And he has that girly haircut and lavish Spanish parents. And he's
Much Ado about Daycare 2007-03-26 21:28:00 In a stupid piece in the New York Times today we learn that children who go to daycare are most likely to become fiends later on. Or to be precise:A much-anticipated report from the largest and longest-running study of American child care has found that keeping a preschooler in a day care center for a year or more increased the likelihood that the child would become disruptive in class — and that the effect persisted through the sixth grade.What a crock. I mean, come on, man. Do we really need this sort of study? I should add that the above quote was followed immediately by the following:The effect was slight, and well within the normal range for healthy children, the researchers found. And as expected, parents’ guidance and their genes had by far the strongest influence on how children behaved. Okay. I don't even know where to begin. For the first time in the history of my blog, Crabmommy is stunned into seriousness by this absolute ridiculosity. So first they hit us with this al Read more:Daycare
Pooping up the Wrong Tree 2007-03-27 21:01:00 I KNOW I made clear that I am not a lavatorial humorist. But this is not funny. Yet definitely newsworthy.Spring has sprung here in the mountains and yesterday I was enjoying the sun on my shoulders, having a rare moment of peace outside on my front steps with a muffin and a cup of tea. Admiring my surroundings. Until...what do I glimpse? A strange shape nested within the leaves of this shrub-thing in front of my house...C'est quoi?Well, here in dog-loving central, there is only one answer to that question. Spring springs forth, snow melts, and a veritable carpet of doggy-do reveals itself, aroma mingling with the gentle alpine breezes -- a subtle, disconcerting tang to the air while all about you, dreaded dark deposits materialize on every bloody square inch of grass. And even up trees. And again, I am not the sort of person who usually photographs this stuff but you have to see this. The turd is ELEVATED:if you can't see properly and have the stomach for it, click on the pic. Behol Read more:Pooping
, Wrong
Uberlint 2007-04-02 17:39:00 Proof that Crabmommy is not all that she could or should be as a housewife. Yes, this is a giant lint-wad, a veritable MATTRESS OF LINT, that the kind, unjudgmental, I-support-who-you-are-and-what-you-(can't)-do Crabhubby unpeeled from the tumbledrier to point out to me that I am missing something QUITE INTENSE when I do the laundry.Posts are short and far between in the past week, I know, but I have been too busy sewing a BLANKET FOR HURRICANE VICTIMS OUT OF MY LINT-STASH!
Peter Panned 2007-04-04 05:15:00 Do not take Crabtot to the local theatrical production about the boy who inspired Michael Jackson to reclaim his childhood (and the childhoods of others).Okay, so MJ has nothing to do with this post...but Peter
Pan, he is a big deal in this town, where a lot of the local men are referred to as possessing the PP complex because they put their BA from Boulder to use by skiing all day and working pizza delivery at night...and they are like...45. Suh-weet! (And they say things like "sweet!")Anyhoo. So the point is, there is this PP production and everyone is gabbing about it because it is so a propos the town and is an important production for our new town theater...and a kind friend buys tix for me and the tot, and though I have a HUNCH THAT IT WILL ALL GO WRONG, I take Tot to the matinee. whereupon, after ten minutes, loudly into the silence, just as PP begins his first song, she says, "I want to go home."Ordinarily this should not pose a problem. Matinee. Toddler "want to go home." You
He Hath Risen 2007-04-10 05:20:00 And the nation has experienced yet another year of neon Peeps. I wonder what they do with un-bought Peeps. Do they go to the dollar stores, or do they, in fact, have the shelf life of Twinkies and last for another thousand Easters?Here in Crabland, I am grateful that we missed the town egg hunt on Easter Sunday, which is held on the village green and sponsored by our local bank. Each year, at 10:30 the children of Crabtown hunt for painted boiled eggs, an activity that should be very sweet with abundant frolicking of kids in a setting bursting with smalltown charm and innocence...but I have heard that it is in actuality an APPALLING occasion to be avoided at all costs. I was warned to stay away, because apparently parents of children get very competitive during the egg hunt and muscle in to block off whole hectares of egg-laden real estate, the better for their child to get as many as humanly poss in his or her basket. "If you go, wear shin guards," a friend advised us. "And DON'T be
Moving House 2007-04-13 16:18:00 Crabtot and I witnessed something amazing yesterday.We live on the "wrong" side of town, meaning that our neighbors are drunk geriatric cowboys who work itinerantly at the nearby rodeo and at sundry ranch-related activities and then collapse into their cars with the cowboy hat plonked atop the face to screen out the brilliant Wyoming light. I adore my street. I could spend hours staring across it from my porch rocking chair, a scarily rustic number made of bent willow trees or somesuch. Directly opposite us there is this whole cowboy-infested sprawling log compound with various attached and detached mobile homes, log cabins, and large trucks festooned with cowboys and then an assortment of truck-repairer types.Now, one of these cabins has been the source of much town talk and much activity of late. It is a small ugly red-crappy-faux-shingled number and had caught fire shortly before we moved in. Anytime anyone asked for drections to my house, they would ask, "Are you kitty-corner to th Read more:Moving
, House
Driving Me up the Bloody Pole 2007-04-19 22:07:00 After driving Crabtot to daycare today, someone almost went into me by cutting in front of me at the 4-way stop. And then, don’t you love it when there is no reaction, no mouthed “sorry” or hands up in apology. As we say in South Africa, that really sends me up the pole, man. And what I really love is the classic ECA – Eye-Contact Avoidance – when you then pull up next to them at the traffic light. There you are, side by side, bad driver totally ignoring you, staring straight ahead, as though something very interesting has landed on the windshield that bears intense scrutiny. This sort of thing happens quite a bit out here. I adore it when ginormous diesel-truck-wankers cut me off and practically mash me below their towering, roof-like bumpers, only to behave as if nothing has passed between us when we arrive shoulder to shoulder at a light. Crabmommy no like.What does it take for people in cars to admit when a mistake is made? Me, I do this mega mea culpa if I accidentally r Read more:Driving
The Princess and the Bandaid 2007-04-25 18:21:00 Once upon a time there was a poor, but beautiful girl with two nasty stepsisters...and her name was Singorillo.That's right. Singorillo, according to Crabtot. Now, I have not yet taken to reading Singorillo stories or similar stories involving princes, dwarves, and sundry poisoned fruit because I thought Crabtot was a bit too small to understand such fare or care about the girl with the glass slipper. Turns out she's not too young. At her daycare they read "that book about Singorillo," to put it in Tot's words, and Tot is now quite entranced by the story. Which is a little different from the version Mom expected."What happened to Singorillo?" I asked."She jumps and jumps and breaks her bed."Ho-kay.While this storyline doesn't sound enchanting to me, it nonetheless has proven to be so for the tot, who, on a recent trip to Albertson's, stopped dead in front of the bandaids. "Singorillo! I want that one! Singorillo!" And so we reach a milestone. No longer is the generic pink bandaid Read more:Princess
Crabmommy Debut at Cookie Magazine 2007-04-30 23:15:00 After the heavy hinting I did earlier in the life of this blog, Cookie
magazine finally agreed to let me blog for them, as of today, here. For which they will pay me ONE MILLION DOLLARS. (Well, at least it feels like that compared with the $5 in Adsense I earn per 6 weeks on my own blog.)Now, my dear seven readers, do not hate me for selling out to the media. I know it might seem odd or annoying for the Crabmom to start yakking away via yet another mom mag that covers such hot topics as the most darling minimalist bent-birch plywood bassinet or designer flip-flops or flourless chocolate cake recipes...but this crowd have something more to offer. Okay, they are paying me to say that. The point is, they will let me actually be Crabmommy on their mag and speak about things in a non-perky tone. That's saying a lot for mommy mags, the rest of whom have put a hex on me. Now before you cast me off your RSS and get all peppery like, do note that I WILL CONTINUE TO BLOG ON MY OWN SITE. Right h Read more:Magazine
Caution: Xtreme Playground 2007-05-02 18:39:00 Yesterday Crabtot and I went to a local playground training arena for future athletes.Witness the slide – is it a slide or, as another mom put it, a luge? The ostensible slide is at an almost 90-degree angle, mimicking the mountain in the background – apparently the steepest ski slope in the nation, a slope so high that snowmobilers trek here to test their skills annually on this icy ramp…indeed, they come from far and wide to see who can snowmobile up to the top without backflipping. (Remember this word "backflipping." I shall return to it later.)So, the slide: it is also very very narrow, perchance to train the mini-winter Olympians of Crabtown to tuck arms in when luging down the pipe? And did I mention high? It is absurdly high. No wonder Crabtot does not wish to slide down it. I won’t either. It is as steep as the Crabtown health insurance deductible. Too dangerous for any adult. Yet it has been designed expressly for kids. Whaa?But this is Crabtown, a locale busting with Read more:Caution
, Xtreme
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