Owner: Crabmommy. URL:http://crabmommy.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2007 09:24:11 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Lazy. Selfish. Opinionated. Judgmental. Whiny. Badmommy. (Humorous rants on motherhood.) Site statistics:Click here
Mom on Trial for Being Normal 2008-03-19 13:49:00 Apparently Chicago police have too much time on their hands.According to CNN, some poor chick was arrested for leaping out of her car, running over to put some money into a Salvation Army bucket with her 2 kids or somesuch act of goodymomness, when the police arrested her for leaving her other tot in the car-seat for all of one minute. And now she is on trial. That's right. On trial. And not just on Nancy Grace. (Whose Country Star name -- for those of you into the music name generator -- is Cooter Perkins.)Ooooh. Baaaadmommy alert! Thank God I'm not moving to the windy city....where it's a lame wind that blows nobody any good. If you follow.I think the cops should be sentenced to 5 years of tampon-wiener craft activity.On a happier note, I have posted some links to truly swanky egg-shape Read more:Trial
, Normal
Why They Should Go to Boarding School at Age 3.5 2008-03-17 23:35:00 Today Crabtot told me she was going to "boil" me. "In oil."I can only think it derived from our DVD of Horton Hears a Who (the original animation, thank you very much) where the oppressors march the colony of Whoville off with the chant "Boil that dust speck, boil it, boil it..." Crabtot and I have often chanted along to that peculiarly delicious and sinister refrain...but not for a very long time.The threat was preceded by intense hair-pulling (because Mom had come to pick her up from school, which she hates to leave) and a companion threat: "I'm going to break your sunglasses!"Another one of late: "I'm not making you a birthday card...ever!!!"Well you know what, poppet? I'm glad you love school. There are some schools where you can stay all day and all night too. Maybe if you keep up th Read more:Boarding
, School
On A Lighter Note: Or, Let's Get Back to Dollar Store Giveaways 2008-03-22 01:24:00 I feel I've been getting heavy on this here blog. And maybe it's time for a lighter flow...or none at all. Stay with me. I'm talking about my beloved Christian-owned DollarStore
of Crabtown. Where, as some of you remember, I have walked in search of prizes for my Dollar Store Competitions.Crabtown's Dollar Store yields an intoxicating mix of Chinese-made product off-gassing and such mystifyingly beautiful treasures as mango-flavored pineapple strips and Crucifixion stickers. And today, at checkout, I saw the best DS product yet: a no-name pregnancy test.And so I put it to the floor: are you brave enough to try it? How long has it been on the shelf? Ask and ye shall receive...from me...your very own Dollar Store pregnancy test. Because when you really want to know the answer, you might ju
War in the Playground: Babble Bullies Offsprung 2008-03-20 23:47:00 Guys, things are getting nasty: 2 parenting websites are clashing in the playground. And I'm taking a side.Babble
did a bad, bad thing.If you read this blog you may notice I often refer to Offsprung, a parenting website whose motto is "because your life didn't end when theirs began." I like Offsprung, and I like their parenting forum, called "The Playground," where open conversations can be mildly addictive and where I even hosted a virtual Parents' Night Out complete with real cocktails.But since Offsprung's been up a while now, one can only imagine why Babble (which has been around even longer) has suddenly seen fit to debut the Babble Playground. Another online forum for a parenting site? Fine. But calling it "The Playground"?Babble can hardly claim ignorance of Offsprung and its playgr
Good Idea 2008-03-25 11:18:00 You just have to adore spam. Crabmommy recently received an email entitled "Good Idea," as follows:Hi friendI am spanish and I have seen your blog.Is cool, but you need to add an animated image or a clock.Make it more creative. I have added a clock in my blog and the people like it.Just go to www.myclock.we.bsIs very simple to include in your blog. Just selecting a simple code and put it in your page.See the website.Your friends will love it.We need to be diferents and creatives.A clock. Man is that ever a good idea. Indeed, I need to be diferents and creatives. Thanks, jlg7564@hotmail.com. You're super! (I particularly love the non-sequitur-like quality of the line "I am spanish [sic] and I have seen your blog.")p.s. After attempting to be chipper and picking out my favorite egg-shaped th
Annual Earnest Post 2008-03-28 12:29:00 I've been blogging about a year now. Mostly making fun of motherhood, Mormons, cowboys, and incorporating top tips on parenting for your edification such as the Slap 'Em to Sleep™ strategy. Between this blog and my bloglet, I get my share of feedback from readers and hey, not all of it is positive.Which is really a shocker.I mean, who could dislike me? I post pictures of my beautiful child every day; I speak about the joys of being mom to a gifted child; and I wax lyrical about the great blessings that have been bestowed upon me and mine. I post about celebrity births and wish "J.Lo and Mark all the best" and I thank the Christian God out there for making me and mine more special and privileged and basically better than you and yours! In short, I am a blogger likely to top the mom-blog t Read more:Annual
, Earnest
Positive Parenting 2008-04-02 18:53:00 Can anyone say "she takes herself too seriously?" Even if it's only once a year, I can safely say that last post made me cringe.Anyone would think I were running for president.Against a witchy lady who would do anything to take me down.Because I am incredibly good-looking and articulate.And she is all peppery because she has a bad marriage.But I shall prevail.For I represent something of a post-racial solution to our country's ills.And I am also incredibly good-looking and by God am I ever articulate.Wait, who were we talking about again?All this drama has got me thinking I'm bigger than I am... Anyhoo. Let's get out of earnest mode and back to what one usually finds here at Crabmommy: humble, tentative thoughts on parenting.Here's something that happened recently. I thought it significant Read more:Positive
, Parenting
, Positive Parenting
"Trista Baby" Diaper Bags: Something Smelly This Way Comes 2008-04-04 17:27:00 Yes, I swore I'd never write about celebrities on my blog.So I'm not.I'm going to write about shalebritays. (The desired pronunciation is that of Sascha Baron Cohen persona Bruno, the German fashionista. Make that Cherman fashionisto... Anyone ever see Bruno? I think he's making a movie about Bruno...I just know the hilarious Ali G. sketch.)So, since I must report on all things newsworthy in the world of mothering: shalebritay Trista Sutter. Does anyone remember her? How could we not? Even those of us without televisions knew a bobblehead bobble-boobed bachelorette had married some big bonehead Ken doll on television and received a lot of money for it.Now they are "happily married," have a bouncing baby boy, and Mom's pimping out a new line of diaper bags. Me, I think something smells a ta Read more:Diaper
, Smelly
Second Annual Earnest Post 2008-04-06 01:35:00 Dear chums,I lied when I said I would only post something earnest and from the heart once a year. I feel a pressing need to follow up that first earnest post with this post. Because once you start getting real and being open, it seems you can't stop. A dam bursts and the naked, wincing, vulnerable real me must out.I've always resisted what people have told me. I've always resisted the truth: I am negative person. And negativity —despite what I have said in praise of it—is not a positive thing. (That is why it is called "negativity" and not "positivity"!) But I'm willing to set all that aside for now and give the other side a chance. I'm not totally making a commitment to positivity. And I am not totally saying "Cheers, negativity! Thanks and goodbye and have a bad life without me!" Bu Read more:Second
, Annual
, Earnest
Blossoms and Stalactites 2008-04-08 23:14:00 Last month, this is what I saw out of my window in Crabtown, and it was good:I truly loved this insane shelf of snow and ice. I wish I could convey to you how amazing and deep and wide it was. But while my photos aren't fab, I'd bet even a pro photographer couldn't have captured the absurd scale of this thing. It was like a sand dune. Only upside down. And made of, uh, snow. Okay, so that doesn't make sense. Maybe another picture will give more immediacy to the frosty 'tites teetering at the edge of my vision. Okay, so still inadequate to the sight itself. Anyhoo, this snow-ice-bedangled thing hung outside the window next to the table where I worked, begging me to stare at it and think on it. And so I did and I have, and here is my poem:Oh! Giant white lip, how do you hang?A mini-mount ben Read more:Blossoms
FREE STUFF! Schwagilicious 2008-04-14 13:10:00 Yes. If you are Alexis, you get the free Dollar Store pregnancy test I so generously offered here for my last Dollar Store Giveaway. Congrats, Alexis!Speaking of Dollar Stores, I just heard about the 99c cookbook.However, I don't think the recipe book itself costs 99c and therefore I unfortunately cannot offer it as a prize in my next Dollar Store Giveaway.The real question is, does this cookbook utilize my favorite find at the Crabtown Dollar Store, mango-flavored pineapple strips? One can only hope.On the subject of Giveaways and Free Stuff I am pleased to announce for all your mommy vultures out there in search of freebies (and there are a surprisingly large number of you lot out there in cyberspace, oh yes indeedy), the PRs have responded to my demands for schwagiliciousness here at Cr
FREE STUFF: Swagilicious Designer Swimwear Giveaway from Land's End 2008-04-18 12:49:00 It's that time of the year. When you have to get a swimsuit. And showcase those wibbly bums, swinging underarms, and jibbly mom-tummies to the world.Ah, summer in a swimsuit! Not so easy for the postpartumites among us. Or those of us who like to use spawning offspring as an excuse for getting zero exercise.Thankfully a flattering swimsuit can do serious damage control, and ladies, I have 'em for you, right here. Land's End is offering $100 in the form of a swaggy gift card, exclusively available from Crabmommy. Yes, there are those of you who, it seems, feel that my Dollar Store prizes just aren't cutting it. And there are also many of you out there in blogspace who troll blogs for the free and swagilicious treats that may be offered therein. And so I welcome you, one and all, mommy vultu Read more:Designer
, Swimwear
Lame Parenting Advice: We Have a Winner! 2008-04-28 17:22:00 A hearty thanks to all those who entered the swimsuit competition, sharing your lame parenting advice nuggets with me. Competition was seriously stiff; it's amazing how much utter nonsense we moms are told when we produce spawn: from the bottle mom receiving "breast is best" (Jennifer!) to being told to avoid rounded car seats (Hi, Marina), to being given books that include bits on how to avoid raising a gay son (Bklynmom!). Of course having your crunchy mom-friend suggest a placenta-cake for family noshing is always a sensible tip for the new mama to to take home from the hospital (Hi, Mommyknows!).Indeedy, I had a good chuckle reading the entries and truly think we should compile a book of these, to give out to family members and friends when people have babies; i.e., Moms' Advice on Bad Read more:Parenting
Grammarmama: Lie or Lay? 2008-04-30 11:20:00 As both a mother and the former teacher of Dude Where's My Comma? (a groundbreaking if poorly received grammar seminar for apathetic high schoolers in Wyoming), I feel myself to be in a perfect position to help parents when faced with one or both of the following problems: children with sloppy grammar, and/or parents who themselves are embarrassed about their own sloppy grammar (and therefore unable to correct their children's sloppy grammar).Gramms is important; I truly believe it. If you have a decent grasp of it people will think you're very smart. Even if you're not. Also good gramms gives you the ability to say what you mean, mean what you say, and understand what others are saying to you even if they don't exactly know what they are saying, and even if what they are saying isn't very
Hedgehogs and Hamsters 2008-05-05 09:51:00 I'm not a big animal lover. I have written before about this. That doesn't mean, however, that I am immune to the sweet charms of the occasional if fleeting scrumptiousness that the animal kingdom offers. That is why I have chosen to write about hedgehogs today: as a guest poster on DesignMom. Whaaa? you say. Crabmommy is talking about animals and giving design tips? This from a dog-dissing lady who recently lived in a prefabricated house (and not the Dwell magazine kind)?Yes. But. Here's my disclaimer to those of you who think I'm going all chic on you. All designy on you. All craftastic on you. All corporate on you. I'm not.Okay, I am.Because the future of Crabmommy depends on hocking more than just my mommy complaints and grammar tips (but I'm glad so many of you appeared to enjoy the f Read more:Hamsters
Randomommy #3, Observations from the Domestic Frontier 2008-05-07 23:14:00 In Which She Ponders the Array of Choices in Crackers:I can't, CANNOT, seem to buy crackers successfully or with any sort of speed at all. Does anyone else have this problem? I get to that aisle and there is this ridiculous abundance of choice, and I get totally stuck, my eyes racing from brand to brand and subgenre of cracker (thin? thick?) to subgenre (wheat? rice? devoid of trans fat or...?). I stand in a sea of crackers for absurd stretches of time: Late July, Kashi, Tamari Rice, Health Valley, Stoned Wheat…Sometimes I wish I were in a society where there was less choice. Like in a Communist country. There would be downsides, true. For example, there was probably no tamari rice cracker in East Berlin. So you have no tamari rice cracker and that blows. Then again, on the bright side, Read more:Domestic
, Frontier
Swagilicious! FREE STUFF 2008-05-08 22:37:00 So there's been all kinds of crazy going on in the comments over at my Cookiemag bloglet. I thank all of you who came so readily to my defense and told the ticked-off poster that just because I beat my child with a stick and smoke crack all day does not mean I'm not a good person and a great mom.Some people really are so quick to judge. (Judge? Who does that? No one in this room, I'll tell ya.)So: reward time. From today through end of Sunday I will be taking names in the hat for some sweet prizes. For those of you who saw my hedgehog series over at my friend Gabfab's,* the vendors of that sweet homemade, original, one-of-a-kind loveliness have ponied up some freebies for your delectation.Rules: Comment on this post (a simple, "ME! ME!" will do, as I am too worn out to pose any intriguing
Mom's Day Out 2008-05-11 00:06:00 [For the winner of the weekend hedgehog paraphernalia giveaway, scroll down to the competition post and all will be revealed...]Once you have a child, you can't imagine what life would be like without them!That's the kind of line one often hears from parents. And it infuriates me.Taken literally, yes of course once you’ve had a kid you could never conceive of life going on without them. I mean,
Socialist Euro-Style Free Daycare in America: Just go to IKEA! 2008-05-13 16:48:00 There are days when you go shopping in a strip mall near an airport, buy absolutely nothing, and call it time well spent.Even though I spent the entirety of Saturday by myself (I did Mom's Day a day early), Sunday proved that I needed more time out from Crabtot. We'd gone out en famille in search of a washer-dryer. Crabtot had half-spun and half-sobbed in her car-seat for the duration of the car Read more:Socialist
, Style
, Daycare
, America
FREE STUFF: Friday's Schwaggggggilicious! 2008-05-15 23:46:00 Gals, it's that time of the week. Some of you are still nursing wounds over having missed out on the hedgehog paraphernalia offered in my last giveaway, but never mind; now's your chance to enter once again for 2 utterly delectable freebies proffered on this here site for your delectation and enjoyment.First, a word from our sponsors.No, wait. First, a word from me. My week began with a nice round Read more:Friday
When Crabtot Grows Up She Wants to Be... 2008-05-21 23:22:00 ..a pregnant teenager.That's what she told me. It was my fault. I was watching Juno on Netflix. In the middle of the day. Like a good mother. And Crabtot was meant to be having quiet time in her room, but she came to my room and I was too lazy to send her away. So she watched. And when that preggers Juno became visibly more rounded, she asked me how old the girl was. I tried to tell her that Juno Read more:She Wants
Mem Day Swagiliciousness: Freebie of Note! 2008-05-26 12:51:00 Some of you are ticked off with me, yes.You have come to this site Thursday and Friday, Saturday and Sunday, looking for the promised weekend giveaway. And you have found nothing. You think the Crabmommy is a loser. Or maybe something serious has come to pass to derail her from flinging freebies your way. This is when I give you the excuse. Here it is. I'm so sorry I haven't posted but my child ha
Randomommy: Sharp 2008-05-28 19:25:00 It's been quite a sharp week. Sometimes I have a fuzzy week. Other times, it may be pointy. Like so:1. Chicks, don't you hate those girls who complain of scratchy leg hair when theirs is but a downy birdfuzz of legfloss after months of cultivation? While shaving my legs this week I realized the following: my own leg hair is so sharp that when confronted with a razor blade, the stubble shaves it r
Swagilicious! MOMSPIT Giveaway 2008-06-02 00:05:00 Why is it every time I post for you guys you're mad at me?But I feel it. The anger. Half of you are mad to be reading yet another cheap-shot giveaway post as Crabslutty attempts to lure new readers to her now-shallow contentless site. The other half of you are mad because this giveaway is late. Either way, like parenthood itself, one can't win: one is always doing something wrong, especially when
How I Retired the Rolling Stones 2008-06-03 11:08:00 Obsession with Mick Jagger's fabuliciousness is entirely understandable to me. I mean, Mick is either someone you dig as a chick or you find too feminine to like. For my part, I like pretty men with a pillowy lip fawning and leaping thinly in their pants. He's my type. But when Crabtot asked, at three years old, for a pic of Mick to put on her bedside table, it gave me pause.Disclaimer: I am not o Read more:Retired
, Rolling
, Stones
, Rolling Stones
Friday's Swagilicious with Toto Knits 2008-06-06 10:22:00 Chums: I've got a real goodie for you today, from a Toto Knits, an ethically made above handknitted kiddo sweater enterprise from Kenya, via the lovely Erin Brennan Allen who fled the magazine world of NYC for a more adventurous life in Kenya. In other words she's one of those lassies who says "I want to help disadvantaged children" and actually does something about it, rather than merely bleats a Read more:Friday
Randomommy 2008-06-09 15:51:00 I never thought I could get quite so excited over a household product, but HOT DAMN if my life hasn't changed since I started using shower caps in the kitchen.It's just that when I see tupperware and its generic friends I am so often filled with doom. I loathe washing them out, and there is always one that's been in my fridge for forty days, containing a primeval curry. You see it when you open th
Grumpy, Frumpy, Lumpy 2008-06-12 16:58:00 I just read my last post and realized how incredibly profound I can be on this blog. Since I have no pearls of domestic wisdom to toss your way today, I suggest you look elsewhere for entertainment. Like, perhaps, this episode from Offsprung TV's Motherhoodlum.How as your week? Mine was lumpy! Lots of globbiness and roundness and general flubbiess after the sharpness of late. For those of you seek
Summer School! Yay! 2008-06-18 11:35:00 Crabtot's new summer school program began this week, and after several months of unremitting SAHMery it's a joy to be a half-day mom once again. A joy to both of us. "Finally!" Crabtot said when I dropped her off Monday. Ditto, my poppet!And I know I'm supposed to write this line about how I got tears in my eyes as I watched her walk away with her backpack and all, but for heaven's sake, I pick he Read more:Summer
, School
, Summer School
Crabfam Goes Camping 2008-06-25 11:08:00 What foolish thing did you do with your Georgie Bush tax refund?We spent $800 on camping gear at REI and we are going to test out the tent this weekend.Okay, so it was my idea. I like the concept of camping. I like the concept of Nature charming the crabbiness out of the family. I like the notion of enjoying a marshmallow over the fire, and telling stories in the dark, and listening to crickets ch Read more:Camping
Recommend Site To A Friend
