Owner: Crabmommy. URL:http://crabmommy.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2007 09:24:11 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Lazy. Selfish. Opinionated. Judgmental. Whiny. Badmommy. (Humorous rants on motherhood.) Site statistics:Click here
Wishipedia: Don't You Wish You Were in It? 2007-10-17 14:11:00 So I know it's pathetic to Google ex-boyfriends and take the time to follow up on their post-me escapades. But what else should I be doing with my time? Looking after children? Cleaning loos? Exercising? Or reading about how the Dalai Lama feels a "special connection" to George Bush ("like a 'reunion' of families!")!Googling is much more informative. Especially because it seems to me an awful lot of my exes have been getting up to all sorts of things. One is now a crack dealer and a rapist (and I hate to say it, he's still very handsome, even in his mug shot). One has listed himself on a Russian bride website. (He was Eastern European so I'm sure he's looking for a genuine cultural affiliation). And two of them, I am disappointed to say, have merited their very own Wikipedia entries.And that bothers me. When you have to see the name of an ex as chosen by the world (or those weird Wikipedia workers) as a designated important person, it just, you know, tweaks your vibe. Especially
I Get Drunk AND I Ply Crabtot with Banned Coldmeds! 2007-10-22 14:00:00 Sorry, that title was a tad misleading. YOU WISH you were reading about Badmommy staggering drunk around the house and then giving Crabtot a nice fat dose of Robitussin (because as the New York Times reported in that pesky article about banning kiddie cold meds, "most parents who gave cold medicines to young children were just hoping for a good night’s sleep themselves)."HOOOO! I am fired about that piece, man, having only just managed to actually read it in its entirety.But today, I am not so much drunk, nor am I yet plying Crabtot with doses of "Little Colds." What I am doing is previewing 2 pieces to appear at Cookie magazine on my bloglet this week. In the first:I speak of how much I've started lying since becoming a mother. And how I was afraid to admit to a very innocuous hangover last week when dropping Ctot at her preschool. because I am a wanker and a willy and a Piousmommy sometimes. And that's something I most definitely feel ashamed of.Second, on Wednesday at the blogle Read more:Banned
I'll Just Kick Myself 2007-10-24 09:37:00 Man, these 3-yr-olds are crabby and crafty, and I don't mean "crafty" in the glue-and-sequins sense of the word.Crabtot often threatens to— and sometimes actually does—kick and whack her parents. She now knows not to actually kick or smack Mom or Dad for fear of wrath in kind, but she still likes to threaten it. "I'm going to bite you!" is a line we often hear. Or "I'm going to kick you!"Mostly she says, "I'm going to kick you if I may!" The last three words aren't meant to be a polite utterance. In fact she says them with complete venom. They're a line she got from a book we adore, Maurice Sendak's Pierre. It's this fabulous story about a boy who says, "I don't care." And so eventually he gets eaten by a lion who says, "Then I will eat you if I may" and Pierre says, "I don't care!" It's a terrific book and bloody clever. (For the writers out there, a perfect example of great plotting and of coming back to everything you introduce in a story later on...I'm talking 'bou
Spider Season 2007-10-29 11:26:00 Never mind scary monsters. Crabtown is crawling with black spiders for Halloween. Real ones.It was extraordinary: in the course of a single day, the whole of Crabtown was covered in a giant cobweb and I am not joking. At first I thought I was seeing things: were those really silky strands floating through the air? Were those really giant webs winking in the sunlight? Or did my sunglasses just need replacing? But no. The spiders have come. They are here. And they are many.Apparently it is an annual phenomenon in Crabtown. Migrating spiders (who knew?) parachute in (everyone here uses sporting verbs to explain such monstrous things as billowing giant cobwebbery descending on the town)...so they parachute in and then they take over.And you thought Halloween was scary.Try getting into your bed every night and seeing spiders skitter off to the side to make room for you. At least three in my bed that I know of every single night. Horrible. Little. Black. Crabtown. Spider
s.Try sleeping after Read more:Season
Flip flops and...Zen and the Art of Corey Feldman 2007-10-30 22:06:00 It's always heartening to see courageous rebels in troubled countries, such as Myanmar, getting together with the authorities to hash things out. And I mean this seriously.But I like it even more when they hash things out in flip-flops as in this pic from the NY Times showing an opposition leader and a Burmese official in talks:Surely they can reach some agreement. I mean, they're both wearing 'flops!In a completely unrelated point I was moved to read that Corey
Feldman, that pitiful Lost Boy, has a toddler called Zen
. Which is surely asking for trouble, and is also kind of confusing: "Zen, calm down! Zen, get your finger out of your nose!" It will be a titch ironic if young Zenny ends up on Ritalin.
Crabtot Recommends 2007-11-07 14:46:00 I've been boozing it up in Kentucky this weekend so have been remiss in not posting since making my pronouncements on the Art of Naming Corey Feldman's child. I trust you all missed me terribly, but that the Myanmar flip-flops did well to tide you over.Now I just have way too many spiders to kill today so may I politely suggest hot-clicking it over to Cookie to read what Crabtot recommends for bedtime reading. And if that doesn't quite hit the spot, perhaps you'd like to watch a delightfully creepy video embedded in this post about infants learning to swim. Seriously, has to be seen to be believed.In this promo flick, an infant floats on water, an action accomplished by shunting his leg round and round in a swimming pool in an extremely creepy and yet impressive manner, and then bobbing like a cork for five entire minutes. Until his very creepy evangelist/porn star father/instructor charges in to rescue him. Honestly the whole thing, from concept to execution, is scarier than Tom
Checked out at the Checkup 2007-11-11 09:31:00 While Crabmommy knows she has a shockingly remarkable child, I'm afraid Crabtot had a most unremarkable annual checkup.Far from leaving with pamphlets called How To Reason with a Gifted Child or Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful: Integrating your Stunning Child in a Sea of Aesthetic Mediocrity, I left the doc's simply knowing Crabtot was normal.Now Lord knows I cannot stand the spawn-promoting mommy, the "we are so blessed" mommy, the "my child is so advanced" mommy. I've done serious mass-dissing of the edu-mommy, the "she speaks Spanish and Sign Language too!" twitmommy. Indeed bragmomming (and bragdadding) appalls me. But while I look down on such smugmom impulses, something happens to me in the doctor's office and hot damn if I don't want C-tot to dazzle the doc as she does me! It's ugly, but that's motherhood for you. Or at least, Crabmotherhood.Crabtot didn't enjoy the checkup. She's been apprehensive ever since she saw that Elmo Goes to the Doctor DVD when in one sc
Three's Company 2007-11-17 14:41:00 Polygamists of Colorado City, Utah, you're not alone. Seems quite a few people are poly-marrying out there (only, doing it with people who are of marrying age—Warren Jeffs, take note!).Leave it to Babble to find Miriam Axel-Lute, a "polyamorist" with a wife, a husband, a baby, and an essay called "And Baby Makes Four." She is keen to stress that her family is just the same as anyone else's. And she doesn't get why people always want to know about the sleeping arrangements.To wit:It used to be that the most common questions we got when we explained our relationship involved jealousy (not a problem, but an understandable question) or sleeping arrangements (why this is so often the first thing people think of is beyond me).I know, Miriam. Wacky weirdos we are wanting to know about those sleeping arrangements when what we really should be asking is who takes out the garbage and how the health insurance plan works.Now I'm not judging the three-way. Not judging, just laughing. Hard eno Read more:Three
Shhh! Mommy's Reading! 2007-11-30 11:30:00 Thought I might pass some mom-centric reading recommendations along. I know few of us have time to read, much left brain cells left to understand what we're reading, but anyhoo.I have written before about Rachel Cusk, one of my favorite writers. She wrote a collection of essays on motherhood, "A Life's Work: On Becoming a Mother." For many it will be too dark, but this is precisely why Crabmommy loved it. Cusk dispenses with the usual obligatory AND HIGHLY OBVIOUS facts about moms loving their babies and cherishing the happy moments and instead, she focuses on the difficult stuff: the identity adjustment you have to make when your body goes from one to two (cf. the essay "Motherbaby"); the bewildering nature of babies and how their mothers are supposedly meant to understand them but often don't have a clue...etc. Cusk also references literary characters in an interesting way in her collection (e.g., the childless Lily Bart from Edith Wharton's The House of Mirth).What I like about Read more:Mommy
, Reading
A Crabmommy Xmas Newsletter 2007-11-25 21:50:00 Now that Thanksgiving's behind us, it's time to get those holiday snaps printed up at Shutterfly (make sure you're all wearing matching J-Crew cableknit sweaters) and those holiday newsletters proofread for the mass-mailing. I just finished the first draft of my annual Crabfamily report and it goes something like this:Whew! Can you believe how time flies? For the Crabfamily, it's truly astonishing to say "there goes another year of joy, achievement, growth (personal and financial)." But sure enough December is almost upon us, Santa is prepping his sleigh, and there's a touch of holiday magic in the air.As you all know, having a toddler has been something of a challenge for Crabmommy, but by working positively and with self-control through the tough times, I'm proud to say that I now have a rather uniquely marvelous preschooler. Truly it is amazing what they teach us when we let them! Especially when they are as special and unusually kind as Crabtot, who voluntarily gave up her Ra Read more:Xmas
Cleaning Up That Potty Mouth! 2007-12-05 14:43:00 Parental advisory: Parents, if you are faint-hearted about discipline, do not read this post. If you are positive, controlled, and kind to your children, please go elsewhere. If your children respond well to non-violent parenting, best you hot-click out of here. Whatever you do, please don't post any negative feedback regarding how I am "crossing the line" with the forthcoming tale of Crabtot crime and punishment. As with the sometime spanking, I do some things that some readers don't like. I know I'm not nice. That's the whole bloody point of this blahg. And as you will see, Crabtot can take it. But if you can't please do buzz off rather than leave me the sort of comment that you know is going to tweak my vibe. Remember, I never promised you a rose garden. I promised you a crabby mommy and those are two very different things, roses and crabmommies.If you prefer to feel cozy, go elsewhere. Like, to Babble.com where they discuss their top 5 baby blankets of all time. Maybe you wil Read more:Cleaning
Water Can Move? 2007-12-17 01:10:00 By way of explanation:The reason for the blog-silence is not misery, lassitude, or sudden bingeing on substances. I am not laid up with a virus, hungover, tweaked by bad mommy-vibes, or irritated, for once. Because I am on vacation. And hence I have nothing to crab about. Yet. And as you all know, I don't like to post unless I have something to complain about or someone to embarrass or call out. To post otherwise goes against my blog-religion.Yes, we are in Cape Town at last. Somehow we managed to get Crabtot from the northern to the southern hemisphere (for more on the odyssey, check the bloglet), to South Africa land of sun, sea, sand, and poor internet connections. A real vacation then. And not a moment too soon. Just before leaving Crabtown, I remarked to a woman in the blasted library that her two year old looked older (the kid was tall). Mom responded with a classic, "Yes, she's tall and also she's very verbal for her age." Ah yes, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT. Time to skip the homet
Tampons and Ebay 2008-03-09 23:33:00 No, the two topics aren't related. Thank goodness.First, as you all know, I enjoy a good tampon craft. Like these cuddly tampon toys from Heidi Kenney of My Paper Crane.Second: I was recently chatting at a parenting site and realized one of the participants had a baby named Ebay. Seriously. As in, "When I first had Ebay I yadda yadda yak." Or, "Ebay insists on cluster-feeding...does anyone have any advice?"Ebay.That's all, folks.(Except today, at the bloglet: weird kiddo book by Wanda G'ag. And a call for more book suggestions by authors with peculiar names b/c Crabtot and I like to laugh at them.)
Judging Mommy (or Shweesh! One Dang Long Post!) 2008-03-05 12:51:00 As you know, I'm a momocrite who has plenty to say about moms who tweak my vibe. This ranges from infant edumoms to strident athleti-moms to humorless twitmoms to perky dullmoms to smug multimedia moms and so forth. All that said, I reserve my greatest judgment for those moms who see fit to judge badmoms most harshly.Yes, yes, the irony is not lost on me. But let me make a distinction: I think it's good to bash moms who think they're on top. But bashing moms who are down? Not for me. I don't want to talk about Britney here. I want to talk about this freaky woman named Nancy Grace who heads up this insane so-called "news" show, which I have insanely been watching while stashed temporarily in my father's vacation apartment in Crabtown during the course of my move. And in this my father's apa Read more:Judging
, Mommy
Crabs Move Sideways 2008-03-03 11:47:00 I've been holding out on you. The Crabfamily is moving. We are giving up Crabtown for a new urban life once again, in a place we shall refer to as Crabcity. We are scuttling off to the side, scuttling away from rural life in Wyoming, scuttling on to new horizons, bigger places, greener pastures and so forth. Forget the pastures. We are done with pastures. We are looking for bright lights and urban sparkle. So we are moving to CHEYENNE.Kidding.But we are moving. This has all been going down for quite a while. And yet I have kept mum about it? Why? Because I am scared that my new move will make me happy. And when I'm happy I don't have anything to write about.Thankfully, on further reflection it has become clear that our new home will yield its own share of mock-worthy targets. And thankfull Read more:Crabs
, Sideways
The Baby Shower Wars 2008-02-27 16:27:00 Last week I received an invitation to a baby shower in honor of someone's second child. The invite asked me to bring a dessert item and included a link to a registry involving organic cotton bibs. Or, if one did not wish to buy from the registry, one could consult an attached wish list for gift pointers. There is so much wrong with this picture that I hardly know where to begin. But I do know that this makes an excellent topic for this my new monthly mini-column, Rude Mommy!Read it allllllll here.And just to say I brought up this topic in "The Playground" at Offsprung, my new fave spot, and HOOOOO did I ever get some lip back. Maybe they're right--I'm too crabby for my socks. Then again, I never promised anyone a rose garden... Read more:Shower
Okay, Offsprung it's about time you linked to the Crabmommy already... 2008-02-26 15:07:00 ...because she is linking to you, like, totally-all-the-time-this-week, dude?!First, there was the piece about the fancy furniture over at Offsprung. And now, a hilarious vid up there: Who doesn't leave their kid at the airport from time to time? Read more:linked
Lord, Posting Twice in One Weekend?! 2008-02-23 18:13:00 Anyone read that thing in the NY Times about how schmantzy parents in stylish hoods are freaking out because their kids are climbing all over their George Nakashima coffee tables and shooting darts at the George Nelson paper lanterns? Alternadad Neil Pollack read it, and posted a hilarious retake on his witty website Offsprung.Two new posts this week, Monday and Wednesday, chez bloglet. Read more:Posting
, Twice
, Weekend
Judith Warner, will you rock my world? (Yes, Crabmommy. I will.) 2008-02-22 14:25:00 Okay the title has nothing to do with the piece. But I did, you know, recently get to see TV in a hotel room and by God that show Rock of Love was ever phenomenal. My South African and Commonwealth readers, it's a surreality show about this ageing rocker, Brett Michaels of Poison, trying to pick a new (play)mate. Hi.La.Ri.Ous.But JudithWarner
, of The New York Times. She always tells me things that make me think this woman is just loaded with common sense! And no I am not being sarcastic, for once. (Boy, it feels odd not to be sarcastic! It's weird for me. Like running around naked in the driveway or something.)OK for the third time, let's get back to the point. Judith Warner, the parenting voice of reason over the NYT, is talking today about medicating kids and our generation's current cu
Random Observations 1: Let's Talk About Toast 2008-02-17 16:08:00 Welcome to my new series, Random
Observations. I find being a p/t housewife to be an occupation in which many curious but random observations come my way. To most of the world these might not be newsworthy. But to other housewives or housepeople or unemployed people or people who simply spend a lot of time in their houses looking at the way the light comes in through the blinds and lights up the dust particles, these will not only resonate as extraordinarily fascinating observations but perhaps—I hope—they will resonate as deeply familiar experiences. Perhaps you will read what I'm writing and realize that even in our most ordinary solo lives, we share moments of common humanity that unite us all! And so I aim for this series to recount the sort of anecdotes in which you will react wit Read more:Toast
My Bloody Valentine... 2008-02-14 09:09:00 ...is the name of a great mournful band from the '90s. And the Heartless Bastards are also on my iPod today.Yes, I'm feeling particularly crabby b/c it is Val Day. Come on, you didn't come here expecting me of all people to be in a good mood today?What really bugs me, in a nutshell:--involving children in the VD celebrations--having them exchange cards when they haven't the faintest clue what the heck they are doing--having to go and make said cards for school--having stupid arguments with Crabhub over why he has decided to go to Crabtot's class VD party bearing lollipops--feeling that, somehow, this holiday is rotten to the core--feeling the cheeseball factor of a million declarations of utterly false love fluttering through mailboxes everywhere--feeling that even the loathing of VD is ch Read more:Valentine
, Bloody Valentine
The Far-Too-Frequent Flyers: Or, Things to Do in Denver When You're Half Dead 2008-02-11 11:25:00 When you travel 60 hours with your Crabtot from one country to another, you think of all the refugess in the world...moms carrying children from North to South Korea, children hiding on boats from Cuba, families walking from Zimbabwe to South Africa...and you think to yourself: MY STORY IS WORSE.Because you are a narcissist. And Crabmommy be your name.Okay, so my story is not worse. But it is bad. I challenge you not to think it is one of the baddest tot-in-transit stories you have ever read. It is, in fact, so bad, that I have decided to blog about it twice. One version appears here. And the other version appears here. And yes the posts are long. Because it was a long, long trek home from South Africa to the US and many, many things went madly, badly wrong. And if you read what I have to Read more:Flyers
, Denver
"War on Terror" Coloring Book 2008-02-08 09:21:00 Crabmommy has found the new perfect preschooler birthday present: a new coloring book called "I Don't Want to Blow You Up." Check it out:" ...A book for kids and adults to counter the terrifying messages transmitted in the name of the “War on Terror
.” In an age of yellow, orange, and red terror alerts, let's draw attention to the myriad people of different colors and cultures who are living peaceful and meaningful lives. 32 pages, softcover, illustrated. $9"As NYMag expains it, this is "a didactic coloring book that presents thirteen people with names like Sarah Takesh and Omar Ahmad and explains that, despite their names, they have no intention of detonating an explosive near the reader." The book is by Ricardo Cortes and MY FRIEND, the venerable F. Bowman Hastie III,also knows as th Read more:Coloring
, Coloring Book
Silence is Golden: The Wisdom of African Momming 2008-02-03 12:57:00 I'm trying to figure out how African
women get their kids to be seen and not heard. Now that's parenting!Seriously, go to South Africa and see how the little ones are popped on Mama's back where they perch happily through the terrible twos and even beyond, watchful, but oh so quiet. How do they get the wee ones to zip it?I recall, during Crabtot's colicky first trimester of life, reading Harvey Karp's book The Happiest baby on the Block, in which he talks about his own personal voyages to Southern Africa to divine exactly how moms manage to pull this silent contented baby thing off. Not sure I can recall the answer –those Karp-reading days are a fog, godlike as that elfin-ish baby-genius pediatrican was to me at the time – but I remain impressed all the same. I know it's not PC to want Read more:Golden
, Wisdom
Parenting lessons? Don't bother. 2008-02-01 11:11:00 This in the news today:Parenting
lessons do not stop toddler tantrums, study finds:A new study shows that parent training programmes fail to reduce behavioural problems in toddlers, suggesting that coaching on how to rear children may be a waste of time and money...Yeah, toldja.Talking nice lessons don't help.Plum don't work, people.Kids is what they is.Why am I talking like this?I don't know.Anyhoo. That headline just caught my eye. Bwa-ha-ha!
Badmommies in NYMAG 2008-01-24 15:52:00 PRpeeps, bring me that lip balm because Crabmommy is going straight to the top, yo!As in, I got mentioned in this badass piece by badass Ayelet Waldman in badass NYmag (is that badass enough for the PR peeps with the lip balm?) OK, enough about the lip balm and the Crabmom inside jokes. I am just trying to spread a little blogliciousness and remind people that I am super-duper-famous and THEREFORE they should also read me crabbing at Cookie magazine, which will keep me both super-duper-famous and also a teensy bit gainfully employed.OK, I am just briefly mentioned.But it's a dang good piece. About bad mothers. And their bitchy, nasty, lazy and resentful ways. Or at least, it's about conceptions and notions about what it means to be a good vs. bad mom. And as you know, that's a topic I neve
PR's, Where's My Schwag? 2008-01-07 03:59:00 I'm well over my 100th post here at Crabmommy and I have scored exactly two tubes of lip balm for my efforts.Yes, I have also earned myself a nice gig over at Cookiemag, which frankly was my goal right from the get-go. Because while I like to pretend that I have a blog in order to commune with motherhood at large, it is a sad and ugly fact that the Crabmommy also must make at least a few shekels from her writing in order to validate the fact that her father sent her to a very expensive writing school and her husband grinds himself into the dust to provide her with the opportunity and Macintosh hardware necessary to carp about momming, as well as the giant block of crack cocaine I need to pick me up after a hard week's labor as a mother. In short, two tubes of lip balm just isn't cutting it
Ouch! That hurts! 2008-01-06 15:05:00 Crabtot has been working really hard on vocab.Specifically, on insults directed at Mommy. And when there's no reaction, she ups the ante. Transcript as follows:You're stupid!You're old!no reaction...so...silence for a few more seconds and then:Your BOTTOM is old!
Caution: Risky Reading Ahead 2007-12-29 06:21:00 Yes, it's appalling I haven't posted in so long but I've been dealing with some very intimidating moms here on my travels in South Africa: Indeed, there are these moms here that remind me of the worst Crabtown ubermoms— aloof, hyper-athletic, territorial when new moms come along...So we've been bashing along through the bush, removing ourselves from civilization and even from Crabtot for a few lovely remote days on safari. Bliss! I absolutely adore looking at moms and babes in the wild and then, you know, just MOVING ON to a station where a good cocktail may be imbibed. They do these weird little fabulous things for you on these luxe-safaris, where you trundle along in your jeep scanning the veld for warthogs and whatnot, and then just when you're about to think of a nice alcoholic li Read more:Caution
, Reading
Rock Star Name Generator 2008-03-13 23:08:00 This is hilarious.Input your name in this search engine and it will tell you what your rock star name should be. Apparently mine should be "Brock Ash." Um, okay. And it says Crabtot should become "Izzy Jones" when she takes to the stage. And my rap star name? Maya Tricky. Erm. Yep.What about yours? Better yet, your offspring's? Read more:Generator
, Rock Star
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