Owner: Crabmommy. URL:http://crabmommy.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2007 09:24:11 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Lazy. Selfish. Opinionated. Judgmental. Whiny. Badmommy. (Humorous rants on motherhood.) Site statistics:Click here
Something's Going Down 2007-05-07 17:38:00 Mysterious happenings on Crabtown's busiest corner. After the slummy cowboy-compound log cabin levitated in front of our very eyes, we thought we'd had our spring highlight. But the actividades suspicionades (no, I don't speak Spanish) continue.Sometime last week, Crabtot and I were eating breakfast when a very large trailer parked itself beside our house, blotting our view of the neighboring trees and dog-poopy lawn. C-tot waved to the men as they set the trailer up -- on bricks -- clearly this one was going nowhere (unlike the ill-fated log cabin). Crabtot was excited -- a new kind of house on the block, and this one would not leave her, as evidenced by the bricks busily placed beneath trailer towheads or whatever they're called. Crabmom a little less enthused in her purple robe. I try to catch the men's attention but they sort of disappear before I can ask, "how long is this thing going to be here?"Maybe you wouldn't so much mind a trailer beside your house. But you might if i Read more:Going
, Going Down
Ask Crabmommy, Part One: The Listening Chart 2007-05-09 05:52:00 Because I am inundated by your requests for my advice, I thought I would start this new regular thing called Ask Crabmommy. If you have a good question, feel free to continue to email me constantly at witchycrab at yahoo dot com. Heres the first question for this column: Dear Crabmom,My daughter just won't listen. I try to do Time Outs and all that Sears/ Modern Parenting crap but I still end up walloping the tot and then I feel so bad. We all know spanking is wrong and that it doesn't really work. Can you help?Still Slappin'Hi, Still Slappin'. Obviously you haven't been reading my blog very long or else you'd have seen that I, too, occasionally Slap 'Em To Sleep® . Or when awake. But sigh...like you, it does induce feelings of guilt in me. And as you mentioned, it plum doesn't work in terms of behavior modification. Here's another route that I like to call The ListeningChart
®. Thought up by none other than C-mom. (Let's keep the credit where it's due. Right here. M
Shameless on Mothers' Day 2007-05-12 16:57:00 I promised some people free stuff if they came here. But cheapmommy that I am, I don't have much stuff, period, and certainly not much to give away to you, my new readers.But please don't go. I can rustle up something. For instance, I do have a very attractive bottle of Kellogg's cinnamon-toast-flavored syrup in my basement. I have no idea how I got it, nor why syrup should itself be flavored with cinnamon toast, but I am happy to give it to you. It is Jumbo sized!I also possess 3 or 4 unused swim diapers from last year, size 1-2. Happy to make them yours.Seriously, if you are looking for freebies, you incredibly shallow and materialistic people, I'm sorry to be such a cheap shot. But cheap I am. And whiny. And lazy. And selfish. And all those sorts of things that you should have gleaned from my name. You Who Seek Free Stuff, please stay a while before leaving in disgust. I have a lot of most excellent free advice here, such as my previous post where I teach you how to teach your t Read more:Shameless
, Mothers
Croakies Competition Results 2007-05-17 05:25:00 Wow! Quel turnout! People, I am proud of you. You wanted the Croakies and you dared to just go for it and try your luck. Unfortunately, as with so many things in life, there can be only one winner. And therefore many losers. But, ahem, back to the good news.And the winner is...drumroll, please...Amy of the UK! Amy, tell me where by emailing me at witchycrab at yahoo dot com, something I am writing out the long way to confound the spam robots. Congrats, Amy! enjoy some Crabtown chic! Thanks everyone else for an overwhelming number of Croakies entries! I am going to start doing this more often. Monthly treats, FREE for the asking.Maybe next month, a package of bison hot dogs? Hmm, a bit tough to mail. Bison key ring, perhaps?Stay tuned for Crabmommy Competition, Part Deux.(And Evanzstox, I wish I could tell you the deleted comment was racy or mean...it was removed by ITS author -- not by me -- so who knows what angry things that person thought the better of saying.)
FREE STUFF! (Really, This Time) 2007-05-16 04:59:00 Today I received a very Crabtown sort of present. You may recall I taught grammar to high school students here, and even though I called my class Dude, Where's My Comma?, Dead Poets' Society-style leaping onto desks did not occur. Nobody even so much as cracked a smile when I drew my Comma Chameleon on the board.But. The town appreciates me. I know this to be true for I received a special goodie bag for teachers on this very day. In this town, that schwag means a canvas shopping bag (which I already have 3 of) containing the following:2 x water bottles for the active teacher-on-the-go (i.e., not me) 1 x Power Bar for the active teacher-on-the-go (i.e., not me)1 x high-altitude SP lip balm. Now that I like.1 x baseball cap with the words "The Cougar Fund" on it1 x "summer journal" with a wildlife image on it. I hate journals. Don't all writers hate journals? Don't all PEOPLE hate journals?1 x $1 off bagel at the bagel place. (God, bagelpeeps, don't give it all away...you might go
Something's Going Down...Again 2007-05-15 17:10:00 In the ever-thickening plot that is Crabcorner...more shenanigans here on the wrong side of town. Stuff is going down, people. Things are shaking out strange. And it always gets me talkin' a certain sort of way.Yesterday I looked out of my window and saw someone on my lawn...Before I got the chance to open the window and call out, he ran off. Which maybe doesn't sound so odd. Except...what's that in his hand? Wait, stop! He made off with a fork. An eating utensil that belonged to me.You see, Crabhusband dropped a fork over the BBQ last week and forgot to pick it up. There it lay on the lawn and I knew nothing about the matter until I recognized the fork clenched in the trespasser's hot little fist. My Ikea fork! I put 2 and 2 together and computed 3.5, which means I realized the fork had something to do with Crabhub who is meticulous in all ways except with regard to utensils when at the BBQ.But why does the cowboy want my fork?Clearly the guy is 5 forks short of a full setting. Da Read more:Going
, Again
, Going Down
Check This Box if You are Trying to Get Pregnant 2007-05-14 17:28:00 I just made a rare internet baby-centric purchase at Babycenter.com, since I wanted to get this rad bath duck tub thing for a friend.At the checkout, there was an odd moment: Check
this box if you are trying to get pregnant.That's some netiquette!
Why You Need to Stop Blogging, Crabmom 2007-05-18 15:55:00 Crabmom: clickety-click of the fingers, bloggity-blog on the keyboard She is wearing: Why, her purple blogging robe, of course.Crabtot: pitter-pat around the C-Mom, chitter-chat and general toddly-talkShe is wearing: A top and no bottoms, as is the way on these splendid summery mornings in Crabland.Crabtot: Mom, do you hear the wee-wee bird? (Ever knowledgeable about nature, C-mom has taught C-tot to distinguish our regional bird by its constant cheeping about going to the loo: wee wee...wee wee.)Crabtot: Mom, can I wee in the flower bed? Crabmom: Sure, lovey. [clickety-clackety....bloggity-blog...]No, I heard that part. I am fine about the weeing au naturel. The next bit is the reason I should stop blogging.Crabtot: Can I wipe with something-or-other?Crabmom: Hmmm? [clickety-clackety....bloggity-blog...]Crabtot: Can I...with this...?Crabmom: Sure, lovey.Only to discover: The wipe-material utilized was my...one and only CASHMERE sweater!This is what happens when you blog too much. And Read more:Blogging
World Laughter Day 2007-05-17 19:56:00 Rats! I missed it! Every year I try to remember this and then I forget.World
Laughter Day was the first Sunday of May. People, this is no laughing matter. Laughter yoga practitioners worldwide take their laughing very seriously. There are like 5,000 clubs around the world. These people meet regularly to laugh. Because apparently laughter really is the best medicine. It's good for you. According to these peeps.Even in the sort of places -- or especially in the sort of places -- where you don't picture a lot of laughter (Germany, a town called Yellowknife, Canada) people are chortling in a big way. See here some Canadians: A while ago I planned to interview the founder of this laughter program, one Madan Kataria of India, Laughter Expert, for The Believer but I knew I couldn't keep a straight face. And I was worried that a laughter expert might know when one was laughing at and not with. And that he might not find that funny.I mean, my questions for Mr. Kataria were going to be thing
We Don't Need No Education 2007-05-21 10:40:00 I'm not the only person tired of the emphasis on "educational" toys and TV etc. People have been writing about this lately in the media, and no doubt the debates will rage on, just as they did when Crabgrandmommy was a Crabmom—with one bunch of moms hell-bent on educating the tots and the other mommy-team lying on deck chairs smoking fags and telling the kids to "run along and play." So I'm not the only one bugged by the very self-conscious focus on early "learning." But what Crabmommy doesn't wish to add her two cents to this topic? I have decided to make a mini column out of it. Every month or so I will be mocking some educational toy, or a striving parent begging his kid to say "agua" instead of "water," or a pesky pediatrician/librarian repeating the line I have come to find highly annoying: "Read to your children." Are you reading to your children? Make sure you read to them every day!Read to them in Spanish! Reading. Really? I never thought of that!Okay, so here's my f Read more:Education
We Don't Need No Education 2007-05-24 22:54:00 Mom-pests, they are everywhere. Especially at the library.To reinforce my every word of the inaugural We Don't Need No Education
post, yesterday's Storytime gave me exemplary moms to skewer and roast. So Tot and I are in the library, post Storytime—a particularly learning-oriented affair today, with greetings in 50 languages— and then 2 separate moms come along to tweak my vibe.MOM #1: She is someone I know only vaguely, and is perfectly nice and all, but has that special aura of the education-driven parent. This means that when reading to her tot, it becomes clear that reading is a very important activity, and must not be interrupted. Vocab words are stressed ("What terrific words here! Can you tell me what the word for this would be?") and enunciated carefully. Gratuitous counting takes place (i.e., the constant focus on the number of bunnies in the bush or tomatoes on the vine or whatever). And overall, a certain Julie-like tone is taken during reading. It is a hushed
Kids' Finger Length Predicts SAT Test Performance 2007-05-24 15:10:00 This blog just writes itself. I just love it when scientists have far too much time on their hands: Scientists have known that different levels of the hormones testosterone and estrogen in the womb account for the different finger lengths, which are a reflection of areas of the brain that are more highly developed than others, said psychologist Mark Brosnan of the University of Bath, who led the study.For more, go here. Parents, I think what they're saying is, next time your teen gives you the finger, go and measure it. And as for that stuff people say about the crooked pinkie denoting an aptitude for literature or whatnot, I guess it's not a crock after all. Which must mean that the line in the middle of your palm...if it's really long, you will make lots of shekels! According to a study done in Haifa by the Israeli Academy of Neurononsense. Off to get the stats on Crabtot's stubby digits... Read more:Length
, Performance
Virgin Birth...of a Baby Shark 2007-05-23 10:59:00 A miracle of birth in the NYTimes today. A shark gives birth to a sharktot and without the help of any males. A shark of the species bonnethead. Rather apt. It's called parthogenesis. As in, this shark has no daddy:It's not a lesbian thing, but more of a Virgin
Mary vibe, in which nature sees fit to let girls have babies without boys. But never has a shark done so before. Sort of like a single mom just producing her own tot minus boyfriend or baster. A single mom with a bonnet. Go chick-sharks! Get yo' bonnet ON! (What the heck am I talking about? I do not know.)Crabmommy loves me a good silly science story. I have had an abiding interest in silly science for quite a while. For example, I have written about abusive raping dolphins, bizarre moles with star-shaped noses-that-are-also-hands, and caterpillars that can hypnotize ants...but I'm not linking to that one because that magazine, called SEED, is just bursting with editorial foolishness and grammatical feebleness.There. My firs Read more:Shark
Is Tinky Winky Gay? 2007-05-29 14:18:00 This is a question being prodded in Poland. Because Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies carries a purse.Poles, stop asking the BBC. Ask Crabmommy. I know all about gay children's book characters and I am pretty unbiased. I mean, I defended Miss Clavel of Madeline from such insinuations by Google Adsense (although I did point out that Pepito was a bit of a pansy).
Silly Science Pic of the Week 2007-06-01 09:03:00 What could be sillier than this newly discovered sea species?Is it real or did the Japanese invent it? It looks like a creature from Spirited Away. But this was in the New York Times, people.Still. They might be lying. Maybe it is made of earwax. More SS deep-sea pix to come. I will ration them out, one a week.Speaking of water, if you want to hear what I think of kiddie swimming, please visit my bloglet. Read more:Silly
, Science
FREE STUFF! 2007-06-05 14:39:00 I received an overwhelming response to the Croakies sunglass accessory giveaway last month, and so, I'm doing it again, friends. Crabmommy gives and gives and keeps on giving. Actually, the person who really does that is my good friend Mommyknows who hands out coveted goods online all the time, like today's wooden puzzle. And her stuff is dang fine. Although perhaps not as fine as the following item:Yes, after a number of you expressed interest in the Cougar Fund baseball cap I received as part of my Teacher Appreciation Package, I decided what the heck, let's just go and be generous already. And so, thanks to my friend A of A&A, you see Crabmommy modeling it as above, and therefore you know exactly what you're getting, as well as what a great back-of-head I have. And how do you win this treasure?Try to guess where Crabmommy is going tomorrow. Yes, C-mom is going away for a week with Crabgrandpa. Sans tot. Or poor long-suffering Crabhusband. The clues are as follows: a place where
Crabmommy in Korea 2007-06-15 14:36:00 Mommyknows, you win the cougar cap, you lucky, lucky lady. Indeed, while my trip may have sounded very South Carolinian (!?) to some, Korea
was the destination. South. Not North. because in the North, the dictator is not so swell. He has a bouffant hairstyle and drinks a lot of French brandy, so I learned when visiting the border. And he kidnaps people he finds useful or fascinating, which must surely mean the likes of the Crabmommy. For those many readers puzzled by the Korean sojourn, Crabgrandfather had a business visit there and offered to take me along for the ride. As always, I am generous with my company, so I obliged and thus spent a magnificent 6 days making th Crabpresence known in Asia.Highlights:--a piece of charcoal in a basket in my plush hotel room with the mysterious words "Charcoal is good for the environment" beside it. --food. And more food. Abalone bibimbab. Bulgogi. The Koreans do not mess around when it comes to side dishes. --watching locals eat on the beachfront
Something's Always Going Down 2007-06-19 13:46:00 As faithful readers know, here on Crabcorner the neighbors are always up to something. Whether stealing a fork from one's lawn, or sleeping in their cars, or dismantling their log cabins, the cowboys in the rodeo-inflected compound across the street from us always provide much interest.Today's report:8 am. Hot damn! A goat is spotted in the yard: 8.30 am. Said goat is put into the above-pictured truck and driven away. As always, lingering existential questions remain: Whose goat is it? Where is it going? And why? Did it sleep in a mobile home last night? Or in the log cabin? (You can't see the compound here, but it is sprawling, with many options for shelter.) I swear I saw no goats outside last night and heard no goat whinnying either. And here's a question to the floor: can you call cowboys rednecks? I mean, could I call this neighbor-spying "Redneck Report"? It has a nice ring to it. And these are very slummy sleep-in-yer-car type cowboys. Read more:Going
P.S. Baby Be of Use: Board Books on Sale 2007-06-18 14:51:00 I've already posted today, but p.s. McSweeney's is having a blowout sale because witty publishers sometimes have to do that. Delight yourself with Baby Be of Use, a nifty series described as follows:With the Baby Be of Use Four-Book Bundle, you've got your domestic bases covered. Between naps and "turning over," your baby can learn his or her way around banking, car repair, breakfast preparation, and drink-mixing. Through basic shapes and colors, these board books teach your precious little angels to be useful at long last. And why shouldn't they help a little around the house?Get all four Baby Be of Use books--that's Baby Mix Me A Drink, Baby Make Me Breakfast, Baby Do My Banking, and Baby Fix My Car--for the astounding price of just $16.80. Now that's a shower present! Right here.(Now please read the post below and tell me what you think...is the ping pong an animal or a plant?) Read more:Board
, Books
Silly Science Pic of the Week 2007-06-18 14:33:00 I'm not yet able to get back to proper posting as I have a truckload of back-bloggityness to edit up before posting. This is what happens when one is a global traveller. One lags behind. Blame it on Korea.Rest assured you will soon hear the familiar Crabvoice once more, whining away. In fact I am working on a new section called Crabmommy Slings Mud, a section in which I break my blogocratic oath and vent, quite specifically, about moms that are bugging in addition to my general venting about motherdom and its irksome features. As with Ask Crabmommy, this will be a new regular feature in which I showcase examples of Highly Bugging Mommydom.Regarding either my advice column or mud-slinging, as always, feel free to email suggestions or questions to crabmommyatgmaildotcom.And here is the SS pic of the week. We are still in our underwater series.Ping Pong sponge: Question: is a sponge...animal or plant? Read more:Silly
, Science
Spoofery 2007-06-22 15:38:00 OK, I know I said I was far away engaged in cooking and debauchery. But apparently I am still here. And I know I said I was going to make my next posts all about momming and kids. But I was lying. Still, even if you are annoyed by me, go here. It is parent-related. It is also bloody plain funny. And relates very much to all of us who just can't leave our multimedia lives alone...to the point where we have no lives left. Okay. Off to get a life. So she says.
Korean Robot Emcees Wedding 2007-06-22 12:24:00 Yet another reason to love Korea.And by the way, please be patient for more mommy musings. I am away AGAIN this weekend celebrating Crabubby's 40th birthday weekend. We are meeting up with Crabhub friends and family and C-Mom is cooking her tail off to ensure good noshing for the Crabhub, WHILE, also keeping C-tot out of his hair for one weekend. Yes, I am an ubermommy. Once in a while. So yes, away from the blog, but C-Mom rants will begin in earnest again next week. While I have GREAT NEW DEVELOPMENTS regarding the cowboy compound and much more silly science on the blogbackburner, I am going to force myself to return to literal Crabmommying in my next writings: I have a slew of complaints and quips regarding tot-rearing and other tot-rearers. Happy weekend...and please do go to the bloglet for more in the interim. I know I say this a lot. But maybe I should just say it again one more time. Please do go to the bloglet for more in the interim. Read more:Korean
, Robot
Multimedia Mommy, or, Get Out of My Inbox with your Totspam! 2007-06-26 14:34:00 I know I said I wouldn't get personal on this site. But I received the following email. From an acquaintance. Let me repeat that: she is not my friend; she is a playground acquaintance. And if she were my friend, she would no longer be after this:This September, we found out, we will be giving XXX the gift of a SISTER!!!!!!!!!!! :) This little, EXTREMELY active girl inside of me looked PERFECT on the advanced ultrasound yesterday!!! The doc said her heart looked "weepingly" beautiful.....and everything was in place where it should be! :) He used technical terms for everything......but all in all she was good to go! :)No, this is not a joke. You have just met Crabtown's own MultimediaMommy
. People, how could I have given her my email address? I do not know. I don't recall her asking for it. But sweet Jesus, I evidently gave it, and I have been paying for it ever since. Everyone has an MM in their midst, albeit probably not one as cracked as ours. A Multimedia Mommy is are the sor
July 4 and Top Tips for a "Safety First" Summer 2007-07-04 14:57:00 Happy 4 July, Crabfriends. I am always filled with benevolence and optimism on this day, and this year I forgot my habitual disdain for Crabtown and felt a citizen's pride in the local parade. As the cowboys clip-clopped down the street, the dude ranchhands tossed candy to the townsfolk, and the local Crabtown beauty queens did that weird half-wave from their chariots, Crabmommy, Crabtot, and Crabhub clapped and cheered. Tot, however, did not enjoy it when a friend atop a Framer's Market float recognized her and they heaved us up onto their cart to help them toss corn to the masses. She sobbed and begged to get off and did not want to be separated from her dad on the pavement (so much for Independence Day). Participating in the summer harvest celebrations just isn't her bag. In spite of a childhood spent amid nature's bounty, she hasn't forgotten that she was born in Manhattan... Indeed she really didn't enjoy pretending to be a farmer, even for a day. Those ears of corn and boy Read more:Safety
, First
, Summer
Something's Strangely Not Going Down...For Once 2007-06-29 22:40:00 I discovered the following very tranquil photograph, of our neighboring Somethin's Going
Down compound, in my photo album, and dear God, luddite that I am, I even managed to crop it to my satisfaction. As you can see, a full panorama of the various corners of Crab-cowboy-compound. Many cars, but no goats nor cowboys evident. A rare motionless vista of the lodge and its attendant sleep hovels...you can't really see all the mobile homes, but this is still quite a good slice of Crabcorner architecture and parkitecture.I believe the image may, however, be deceiving. If I recall, I was trying to get a shot of the man sleeping in that brown car. Enjoy!And if you're looking for more Mom-related posts, please visit the you-know-what. I particularly relate to How to be an Eco-Housewife at the moment. Read more:Going Down
Are You Happy? 2007-07-08 10:10:00 Crabtot, sassy little muffin that she is, has cottoned on to a new way to infuriate me.When I am especially angry or in a pre-meltdown moment she quietly asks, "Mommy, are you happy?" And because this drives me nuts, and because I have little self-control, this results in answers such as, "No, I am not happy! Because you are not listening to Mommy and this makes me very cross and sad!" Then I stop around and shout some more. And she repeats the phrase in her soft, maddening little voice."Are you happy?""Are you happy now, Mommy?"Now you know I don't like parental braggery. But really, is quite amazing and infuriating that she has the wherewithal to produce this line whenever I am at my most challenged.And of course this challenge from a 2-yr-old should shame me into pulling myself together. And yes, I have tried and occasionally succeeded at composure in my responses. "Sure," I say in an falsely bright tone. "I am happy." Or "Soon. Soon I will be happy. If you stop asking me about bei Read more:Happy
Crabmommy Goes Yogic 2007-07-09 16:44:00 She who eschews exercise pontificates on the dubious benefits of yoga today, over at the bloglet. In other news, at 3am last night something REALLY was going down on Crabcorner! Someone pounded on our front door! We were too terrified and groggy (how can you be terrified and groggy at the same time? Well, you can) to answer the door until it was too late and the pounder had disappeared. ...Someone from Crabcowboy-corner-compound, perhaps? Did they think we'd stolen their goat?
You Won't Believe What Just Went Down! 2007-07-16 10:27:00 I met my neighbors.Now to those of you new to my blog, this might not seem like a big deal. But to those who have long followed the events of Crabcorner cowboy-infested compound, this is HUGE! Mysteries are about to be revealed in this here post! The whys, hows, and whats are at last to receive their answer. No more shall questions surround the log-slum across the street. Names will be mentioned and the cloak of secrecy surrounding it all is, at last, to be flung off.We were at Wendy's.There, I said it. Were it not for the proceedings that happened at Wendy's I would never owned up to going to Wendy's. But the whole truth must come out here, and come out it shall:Crabtown in summer, it is thick with tourists wishing to see our nonchalant bison and to frolic in our chilly lakes with their peevish kids. So on the rare occasion when the Crabfam needed a quick restaurant bite before picking up a friend at the airport, we tried 3 spots to find the lines 1-hour deep. Hence, I capitulated
Naked Cowgirls...Stuff is Going Down! 2007-07-20 13:53:00 It's been a hectic month in the development of Crabcorner neighborly relations. As you all know from my previous post, a friendship was forged at Wendy's. Now we are ready to take things a step further.Aaron the neighborly cowboy and goat-wrangler is taking us to the rodeo as his personal guests.We will even get to go backstage. Or what I think is backstage. I mean, back behind the bulls. Bull's-back-end or whatever it is called. You know, behind those gate things. If I understood Aaron correctly and hot damn if I'm not sure I did.When will this event go down? When Crabsis comes out from South Africa in the next weeks. On the occasion of her arrival (hi, Aunty Phill!) the peeps in the compound are going to break out their complimentary passes and get us up close and personal with the scene down at the rodeo grounds. Total access granted to Crabmommy... into the inner circle, the sanctum sanctorum of rodeoically-inclined cowboy-klatches. Me right there and getting dang personal! DO Read more:Going
, Going Down
Recommend Site To A Friend
