Owner: Happy Meals & Happy Hour URL:http://www.happymealsandhappyhour.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 01 May 2008 08:43:05 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Just another chardonnay-swiggin' beta mom livin' the dream. Site statistics:Click here
The über-Grill 2008-04-30 12:00:00 Why. Why is there a spaceship parked on my deck. Captain Kirk called: He wants his bridge back. Ladies, I know you're as flummoxed as I am, so men: I put it to you: WTF. Let me point something out in case anyone out there is coveting the jauntily angled "East Wing" and "West Wing" (no they won't go straight.) See those drawers? Know what's in them? A bag of fish food for the pond. The second drawer has the spare key to the house. Third drawer: empty. And the east wing houses the propane tank, which could easily fit in the center. Those holes at the top are supposed to hold "condiments" but currently they're a high-tech condo for bees. But I can say this: Average amount cooked per use with old grill: 4 burgers, 4 hotdogs.Average amount cooked per use with über-grill: 4 burgers, 4 hotdogs Read more:Grill
I Miss U, Britney 2008-04-29 10:06:00 Britney, where are you?? We Beta moms are getting a little uncomfortable without our Fearless Leader in the spotlight: people are starting to focus on our Mommy-lameness. Are they changing you there in rehab? Don't let them, Britney! You don't need carseats - or shoes - just be You. Doesn't Jayden miss his sippy of orange Fanta? Come back to us - we won't comment on the British accent anymore - swear. So you like to get your drink on - who doesn't? Your "Purple Drank" has become all the rage in the clubs now. Know why? Classy, that's why. And be sure you tell Jamie Lynn what's up. You are a woman who has it all - make sure she follows your lead. C'mon - Taco Bell is open til 4am now...get out there and represent. Read more:Britney
Diary of a Polygamist Wife 2008-04-28 09:57:00 Dear Diary
, Today we had to go to the Heathens' courthouse. I wore my sky-blue dress, Elizabeth Ann wore her robins-egg blue, and Meredith Jean wore lavender because she is a slut. It took me 2 hours to get my bangs to roll right because she hid my orange juice cans. Inside the entrance they had us pass through a "metal detector" but I know it's a machine that sees through our clothes. Meredith Jean said she wanted to go through twice. In the name of Joseph Smith and all that is pastel, this visit to The Outside is exposing us all to the Devil's work. When court recessed, I saw Luanne and Jo-Beth sipping Red Bulls and reading The National Enquirer. Maybelle wants a Blackberry and Wanda Pearl has signed up for kickboxing. Even Aunt Raylene is claiming she's a Mona Vie distribu
Party On, Party Balloon Priest 2008-04-27 12:13:00 Just want to give a shout-out to Father Adelir Antonio de Carli, the Brazilian priest who got carried away by party balloons and is still missing. In case you missed it, this is a true story. Father deCarli was trying to break a world record for being held aloft by helium balloons. He may have inadvertantly broken the record for stupidity. Or "Most Festive Suicide". Yes, I will feel like a really bad Catholic if they find his body in the next few days. But for now, I'd like to imagine that he's enjoying the ride through the stratosphere, just a fun-lovin' guy without a backup plan. Party
on, Dude. Read more:Balloon
, Priest
Waiting Room Time Suck 2008-04-24 14:02:00 Yesterday I had my annual Ob/Gyn checkup, or, more accurately, my annual visit to the Ob/Gyn Waiting
Room. Because truly, from an alien's point of view, it's an annual appointment to sit and read magazines quietly with strangers. Ending in a check-out room involving paper clothes and small talk.You would think after 4 decades of doctor visits, I would learn to bring my own reading material. But I don't, and am left choosing between Working Mother and Field and Stream. What the hell. Where are all these fishing physicians coming from. And the whole "Working Mother" thing just seems to be mocking me wherever I go. After 45 minutes, the Fake-out Nurse comes through the door and calls my name. The Fake-out Nurse's sole purpose is to trick you into thinking you're next. You are so not next. Sh
The "Baby Weight" 2008-04-21 13:31:00 So I'm still trying to lose the Baby Weight
. Which is not going so well, as the baby is in first grade. I maintain, however, that this 20 pounds is, in fact, "baby weight" because I have photos of myself after my first child, happily back at my pre-pregnancy weight, sportin' a bikini and sippin' a Zima without a clue as to what was to come with baby #2. And I do blame the baby. Babies = fat. Show me one NutriSystem "before" photo woman without a baby on her lap. They're like little "fat fairies". Then they're the first ones to call you out on your mommy fatness. As soon as they can talk they're all, "Mommy! Those underpants are too small for your butt!" Great. Mommy used to rock a thong before you came to town, junior.And so begins the endless progression of diets over the years: Atkins
Detailing the SUV 2008-04-15 13:37:00 As any Beta Mom knows, there is no walk of shame like the one up to the office of the car detailing place when your vehicle is ready. I'm prepared for it now, because inevitably I get the phone call halfway through the morning from the owner: "Yeah, this is Bernard from Auto Shine....uh.... I know I quoted you $90, but.....we've really got a lot of work to do here...I need to have another man come in for this one." I immediately blame my children (usually claiming I have 4 instead of 3) in the hopes that Bernard will view me as his partner in disgust. Bernard has no need for such comraderie and settles on an extra $40 instead. Apparently there is gum involved.This whole car thing makes my husband mental. You could eat off the floor in his car. The only extra objects in his car besides h Read more:Detailing
An Open Letter to the Weeds 2008-04-12 11:48:00 April 12Dudes. What the hell. Do we have to go through this every year? It's the first warm day of the year, I go out to my front walk and you're all, "Hey, we're here and we're ready to party". Didn't I make my intentions clear last year? Don't you remember the RoundUp, the WeedBGone, the weeding pail, the sweating? All puns aside, this is a toxic relationship. Don't you see how we keep repeating old patterns? You show up, I kill you. You show up again, I kill you again. What part of "I will kill you" do you not understand? Don't you have any dignity? Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed for you. By the way, The Mulch totally agrees with me. So, I'd appreciate it if we could just get on with our lives. As we used to say in sorority rush, I think you'd be happier at another house.- Suep.s. do Read more:Letter
, Weeds
On Blogging 2008-04-11 08:59:00 So I'm now a blogger. I blog. This is like the outcast kid in high school finding their group, or the mothership coming to pick up the lost alien. At last a forum to put down my random thoughts and ramblings without bothering my friends at work. Previously, my mass emails would get responses along the lines of "you really need a hobby" or "have you considered working full time?" to which I would respond "You're lucky I don't know Photoshop." My friend Jackie once suggested that we moms email each other with the subject line "Today I Learned.." as a way to share interesting tips or insights that others might learn from. I jumped right in with "Today I Learned...that a single fruit fly can give you away if you've had wine before the school concert." Probably she was thinking more along the l Read more:Blogging
Lunch With Jesus 2008-04-10 11:40:00 At a dinner party recently, our hostess, Maura, brought out a book during dessert called "IF": it's a book of hypothetical questions such as "If you could wake up with a button next to your bed that did anything at all, what would it be?" Lynne: "coffee."Maura: "Lynne. Anything at all. Global warming. World peace."Lynne: "I'm sticking with coffee." If you were hoping for a night of soul searching, this was not your crowd. Which brings me to the question posed to me: "If you could have lunch with one person, living or dead, who would it be?" And I answered, naturally, "Josh Holloway." (star and hunk extrordinaire of "Lost" ). Growing ever certain that her closest friends were a group of superficial dimwits, Maura suggested that I might have chosen Martin Luther King or Jesus
. I stand by m Read more:Lunch
Federal Buzz Kill 2008-05-02 08:25:00 May 2, 2008: Oak Lawn, ILI Love this. I love, love, love whoever thought of this. And this: And this:Mayor Dave Heilmann is a rock star in my book. But Fox News reported today that the feds have ruled it's in violation of the "Federal
Manual on Uniform Traffic Control Devices" and Oak Lawn could lose all their federal funding for town projects. So Mayor Dave: Thanks for trying. You are the Man. You can party with me anytime. If I could add you to my blogroll I would.
Crushing on Steve 2008-05-04 10:31:00 Yeah, that's right: Steve
. From Blues Clues. See, when your kids are really young and you're not so much a "Stay-at-Home" mom as a "Stuck-at-Home" mom, there is a danger of developing what the psychological community calls Acute Repetitive Exposure Romantic Transference, or ARERT. OK, I made that up. But it is a very real syndrome, in which a mom develops crushes on the only male figures she's exposed to on a daily basis, which usually means preschool programming stars. Now, I know some of you moms are saying "What about Joe?" I don't know: Technically, I suppose he's the handsomer Blues Clues host, but there's something about him that I don't buy. I think Joe doesn't really care about the clues. I picture him grabbing his ipod and driving off to a kegger when the show's over. Stev
Interview with Paula Abdul 2008-05-06 10:45:00 We recently sat down with PaulaAbdul
, star and judge of American Idol to catch up with the busy star and get some insights into the "final four".HMHH: So! Thanks for talking with us today Paula - how are you doing?PA: Wooo!!!!!! It's all smooshy in here.HMHH: Uh, "smooshy"? What do you mean?PA: The lights -it's like woooooo-it's fabulous. Hi!HMHH: Hi. I wonder if you'd like to clear up some rumors that have been circulating about -PA: Ok Ok Ok Yes. No. I am NOT sleeping with Jason Castro....Jasey, Jasey, Jasey Pasey.HMHH: Uh, I actually hadn't heard anything about you and Jason..PA: Right. Not. No no no......can I get a Coke?HMHH: Sure, I have some in the fridge.PA: No my Special Coke - where's my assistant - COKE!!!!!!!With extra......ice. Yummm.HMHH: So Paula, what can you tell us about Read more:Paula Abdul
On Newstands Now: the Cellulite Issue!!!! 2008-05-10 09:50:00 The Cellulite
Issue is here! The Cellulite Issue is here! This is the women's equivalent of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. When you're in line at the grocery store, this is not a "flip-through-and-put-back" issue. This is a "slap-it-on-the-conveyor-belt-and-don't-even-open-it-til-you-get-home-cuz-it's-gonna-be-that-good" issue. Make a cup of tea or coffee, ignore the phone, and settle in for a good, fat, dimple-fest. Look: I'm not a mean person: I don't wish these stars ill. But I do wish them imperfections. As one of my favorite plaques says, "Dear Lord, if you can't make me skinny, at least make my friends fat." That's how women think. If I can see a good, blurry close-up of dimples on Pam Anderson and Misha Bartons' butts, it's a good day. Do I feel bad that each one of them is
Alien Math 2008-05-12 14:03:00 + =We are not alone. Read more:Alien
There's a Gangsta in My Bathtub 2008-05-16 05:00:00 So I walk into my bathroom this morning, and I'm greeted by THIS: Like a scene from "Prom Hell 2: The Lakehouse". So I start fishing Bratz and Barbies out of the tub and I come up with THIS dude: WTF? Male Hispanic, black hair, brown eyes, 21 yrs old...and is that a Soul Patch????Homeboy's wearin' his jeans a little high for a gangsta, but anyway - WHERE DID HE COME FROM??!!!!! I swear, this is n Read more:Bathtub
, Gangsta
Suckiest Chaperone Award 2008-05-18 08:00:00 An apology to the fifth graders who had the unfortunate luck to get assigned to my group for the "Historic Philadelphia" field trip Friday. I suck as a field trip leader. But in my own defense, I did not sign up for this. There was a last minute shortage of 1 parent volunteer, and a panicky email was sent around begging for someone to save the day. Of course, by "chaperone", I thou Read more:Award
Here, Prince Caspian - Have My $80 2008-05-21 06:41:00 Tell me again why we don't wait for the video???2 adults, 4 kids admission = $40Popcorn & soda for said moviegoers: $40$80???????? For $80 I should get PrinceCaspian
himself, in my living room, giving me a lap dance, which would be awesome totally inappropriate since he's only 25. I checked. (Now is one of the times I really wish I had Photoshop. Please visualize here: Chippendales-type dan
Small Talk is Not in the Job Description 2008-05-23 05:00:00 So I'm minding my own business in the grocery checkout line for the Big Memorial Day Weekend Stock-Up shop. Doing the magazine cover once-over (Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer still together, good; whoa- Lisa Marie Presley is the size of a house, also good; and - go figure - some women's magazines are claiming you can actually "Walk Off the Weight!" huh. crazy. )My husband's family is coming, Read more:Small
Got MILF? 2008-05-26 18:41:00 First, I'd like to say 'Welcome' to all the men who landed here from searching the word 'MILF'. Nice to have you. OK. This is my husband's niece, who was one of our house guests for the 3-day weekend. She has 3 children. No adoptions, no surrogates. Also, she's 40. Yeah, I know. She eats bagels with butter for breakfast, takes bellydancing and I'm pretty sure she buys her miniskirts at GapKids. S
It's My Birthday!!!!!!!!!! 2008-05-28 13:52:00 Sing with me:' Da-na-na-na-na-na - you say it's your birthday....... Da-na-na-na-na-na - we're gonna have a good time.....Damn, I love The Beatles. I will be taking today off from posting because my loving family got me Photoshop Elements for a present and I'm studying the manual - not, of course to beautify portraits of my children, but to create stupid graphics for my blog. (Dammit, I will ha Read more:Birthday
Rachel Ray is a Terrorist 2008-05-29 14:01:00 Poor Dunkin Donuts. They're just tryin' to hawk a little iced coffee and all hell breaks loose. Today Fox News reported that they had to pull this spot because certain people were complaining that Rachel
's scarf too closely resembled a "keffiyah", like the one Yassar used to rock:and was expressing "support for anti-semitic terrorism". Surprisingly, a top-secret Ray cookbook was found to contain Read more:Terrorist
Uh-Oh. 2008-05-29 07:58:00 Photoshop Elements could take over my life.
Barbie? It's Governor McGreevey's Wife on the Phone 2008-06-01 20:41:00 Dina: Hi Barbie
- It's Dina McGreevey. We need to talk.Barbie: About the Carpel Tunnel Awareness Luncheon?Dina: No, honey - about Ken. And Surf's-Up Steven.Is Ken there now?Barbie: No- he and Steven went to see 'Sex and the City'.Dina- Hmm. How did you say they met?Barbie - Um, I think a Pet Shop Boys reunion concert.Dina: Honey-do you have his iPod right there?Barbie: Sure, it's right here. Why?Di Read more:Governor
Countdown to the Camp-less Summer. 2008-06-03 19:23:00 I am an idiot. Over the past 3 months, while smart moms everywhere were firing off applications and checks to day camps, sleep away camps, sports clinics and summer education enrichment, I got it into my pea-sized brain that This Was the Summer
We'd Forego It All and kick it old school - freestyle. See the Mary Cassat painting? Those were the pastels the rogue section of my brain used to paint vis Read more:Countdown
Traveling Bathtub Gangsta 2008-06-05 18:45:00 In the tradition of Travelocity's "Roaming Gnome" and Flat Stanley, I took The BathtubGangsta
out on errands with me today.Nectarines are dope, yo. Keep it tight.Hook a brotha up.And no lie- this hoochie mama was posing in a boutique window like it was Amsterdam. And it was love at first sight. Gangsta style. Read more:Traveling
Get Ready, Get Set, Don't Go 2008-06-10 22:43:00 This blog post was supposed to be about Brangelina. About telling them to stop, already, for crap's sake. That the United Nations called: they want their delegates back. I had some good name ideas for the twins, like "Really" & "Good-Looking". Also, some suggestions of who they might consider adopting next, like Sean Preston & Jayden James....or Lindsay Lohan.But the truth is, my first bor
Tales from a Cyberchondriac 2008-06-12 20:43:00 If my husband could figure out the "parental controls" on my computer, the first thing he would block would be Web MD. Embarrassing incident #1: 11pm: bed.....ooohh I'm so tired.......start my diet again tomorrow.......so sleepy.......don't forget toWHAT WAS THAT??????????!!!!!!!! A very distinct sharp pain in my chesticular/lung area. OMG. Lung cancer. heart attack. collapsed lung. stroke? Read more:Tales
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