Owner: I've Still Got Both My Nuts URL:http://benjaminrubenstein.blogspot.com Join Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2007 14:40:15 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Generation Y's cancer poster boy has arrived. This is a young man's humorous take on cancer, which he survived two times. Site statistics:Click here
Salutations 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I’ve had about a thousand physical exams since my original diagnosis. The exam I got two months after finishing treatment for my first cancer, age 17, really stands out…My examiner pushes on my belly, and then goes downstairs to check the lymph nodes in my groin. “Pull your jeans down,” she says.By this time I’m lying on the exam table flat on my back, staring at the tiles on the ceiling. She feels my groin for swollen lymph nodes, then my balls for a simple cancer check. Depending on the appearance of the examiner, this kind of attention can bring the little guy out of sleep. Times like these you wish your examiner is a fat, hairy, Italian guy. But she isn’t, so I start thinking about football. Then dinosaurs. Then…fuck, are you done yet?“So, how’s your PT going?” she asks.“Good.”“I’m going to check your leg strength now.”She starts rubbing my thigh, checking my muscle size and tone.Champ Bailey is the best cornerback in the league. I think I’ll get his
Cancer People 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Several weeks ago my friend and I were at a bar at UVA, which I attend and he already graduated from. One of the sororities was selling plastic cups for $3 that we could fill with beer for $1. Their proceeds were going to breast cancer research. “We’ll buy two cups,” I said to the sorority girl, “but only because we can get cheap beer.”“Great. Well, your money goes to a good cause.”“Fuck that. I don’t like cancer people.”My friend began laughing hysterically.“You don’t like people with cancer?” she asked bewildered.“No, all they do is bitch and moan and ask for research money. It’s pathetic.”“Yeah but…it’s cancer! It’s not their fault they got it.”“He’s just fucking with you,” my Canadian friend interrupted. “He actually beat cancer twice.”The poor sorority girl was so confused. “Are you serious?”“Ben beat the ever-living shit out of cancer one time. Then when he got it again we were all like, ‘What the hell is cancer thinking Read more:Cancer
The White Chrysler 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My dad drives a huge minivan, or a “sport van,” as he calls it. He can’t park it worth a damn. Whenever I’m in the car with him he urges me to bring my handicap permit because those spots are much easier to park in. I never use the permit unless the walk is truly a pain in the ass, or when there is a parking meter (if you have a handicap permit you don’t have to pay). So, I started charging him one dollar every time he uses it. On our summer vacations I actually rack-up quite a few Washingtons. Sometimes I joke with him about raising the fee. “Next summer I think I’ll raise it by 25 cents due to inflation and other miscellaneous taxes,” I say. The other day I offered to rent him the permit for a monthly fee, but he refused because it’s a felony.Last year my apartment complex at school had a limited number of parking spots. I didn’t want to waste my time searching for them, so I had the manager install a handicap spot right next to the building. My buddy Duckman, who Read more:White
, Chrysler
The White Chrysler: Part II 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Yesterday I got a call from my friend Zeke in regards to my latest entry.Zeke: Hey, I read your Chrysler
story.Me: Yeah, what'd you think?Zeke: I was disappointed.Me: Why, you didn't like it?Zeke: No, it's not that. I just wanted you to do something to her car.I chuckle.Me: Like scratch it or something?Zeke: No, not scratch it.Me: Then what?Zeke: Piss on it.Me: You wanted me to piss on her car?Zeke: A little urine never hurt anybody.Zeke definitely had a point. In fact, after talking with him I was disappointed in myself for doing nothing. But remember this - I won't forget that little white Chrysler. I even remember the sticker on her back window. If I ever see that bitch's car again I'm going to piss right on the door handle....Well, if I'm in a bad mood...and it's dark out...and I still have a grudge toward her...and had been drinking...heavilyBetter yet, we can settle it once and for all in a steel cage match. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan will be the special guest referee. Read more:White
Pooping Your Pants Is Cool 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Before cancer, the last time I missed the toilet was 7th grade. The entire bus ride to school I had extremely painful cramps. When we arrived I had no choice but to shit. Back then I hated going in public restrooms, so I squatted above the seat and exploded. When I was done I still felt poorly, so I called my mom to come pick me up.For some reason, something really stunk in the car. At home I noticed why – I erupted all over the back of my brand new white Adidas shirt. My mom tried to make me feel like less of a loser by saying she’d wash it for me. Too bad the shit stains never came out. The shirt was just too white.That afternoon my mom had to pick up my older brother and his friend, NoCommonSense. I went with her. “What are you doing here?” my brother asked me.“Benjamin wasn’t feeling well today,” my mom replied.“That sucks.”“…He pooped all over his shirt.”NoCommonSense and my brother started laughing uncontrollably. If only that damn shirt wasn’t so white. Read more:Pooping
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T-Woods '03 2007-03-02 21:10:00 The value of this entry lies solely in the fact that it includes Zim, the 4th overall pick in the 2005 MLB draft. We lived in the same hall our first year of college. It should also be noted that the 4th overal pick in the 2006 NFL draft also lived in our dorm. We nodded to each other from time to time.One of my Hanukkah gifts that year was Tiger Woods
PGA Tour 2003 for PlayStation 2, which became a huge hit on my hall. For some reason I had more skill at T-Woods than anything I’d ever done. I was simply amazing and never lost. My hallmate, SanFranCrazy, got into the game more than anybody, and even created a player ranking system. Of course, I was number one.One night SanFranCrazy organized a huge tournament to determine the true Tiger Woods champion. We had eight players playing in two separate heats, with the four winners playing in the championship round. SanFranCrazy held the tournament in his dorm room, and even designed stadium seating so that spectators could watch.I was the
Rocky 2007-03-05 07:59:00 As the story goes, when I was 3 my dad let me watch Rambo: First Blood. Needless to say, my mom yelled at him good. That day very well could've been the beginning to my obsession with Sylvester Stallone’s movie characters; more specifically, his character Rocky
. "The greatest underdog story of our time" – I ate that shit up. I was sad when his trainer Mickey died and I was scared the Russian would kill him. I still remember seeing Rocky V in the movie theater when I was six years old. Nobody else was there besides my family and the reviews were terrible, but I still loved it.In the 9th grade I tutored a girl for her bat mitzvah. A month before her ceremony I decided she was too soft-spoken and needed to speak louder. "I'm going to play a CD while you say your prayers, but ignore it," I said. "It'll be loud, so you just have to speak even louder."I blasted the Rocky soundtrack to both train her and get her excited for the big day. She thought I was out of my mind. When she told m
Hot Fat Injector 2007-03-08 01:12:00 When I was four my dad discovered his cholesterol was super high, so he changed his lifestyle right away. My mom started serving shitty, dry chicken nearly every night for dinner, and I started eating over at my friends’ houses every chance I got. It’s really a shame because back in the day she’d make some mean dishes like lasagna and chocolate chip cookies. She still makes fabulous honey cake and potato latkes. It’s just that fucking chicken that gets to me.When I was 10 I started getting cholesterol tests during my yearly checkups. I hated them, but the smiley face sticker the nurse gave me when it was over made it worthwhile. In the 8th grade my cholesterol was 208, which is considered high, and I voluntarily went on a low-fat diet for one year. It’s fucking nuts that a 13 year-old kid would do this, but since both my parents had high cholesterol, I thought it was necessary.The only two times I ordered pizza that year I said, “I’d like a half-cheese pizza, please.”
Chemo Sprinkles 2007-03-10 18:10:00 So, you cut your arm and you don’t know what to do. You gashed it pretty good. Blood is dripping everywhere. The pain is substantial and you can’t stop the tears streaming down your cheeks. Here’s the good news – with our brand-new product you’ll never have to worry about getting gangrene again.Just Sprinkle Some Chemo
On It!*That’s right, folks. Nothing will survive the onslaught, let alone bacteria or even your own soft tissue.*warning: May or may not cause secondary infection which may or may not lead to limb amputation or death.Worried about getting your girl pregnant? Women, are you concerned about gaining weight from The Pill? Throw your worries out the window withJust Sprinkle Some Chemo On It!*Our odorless sprinkles go right on the balls, causing instant testicular explosion and sperm death. The lab rats in our experiment didn’t even feel it, and went on to live healthy, sexually active lives.*warning: Slow absorption may lead to genetic mutation in sperm. If they Read more:Sprinkles
March Madness 2007-03-13 19:35:00 On the first day of the NCAA Tournament in the 11th grade I was at home, sitting on my ass in front of the TV. Even if I was healthy that day I wouldn’t have gone to school. It was right before the first tip-off and I was pumped as hell. I had my bracket in one hand, thinking I had the money picks. A bag of Cheetos were in the other hand. Suddenly my phone rang.“Hello.”“Hey Ben, have the games started yet?”“Is that you, PepperoniNip? Aren’t you in school?”“Yeah, I’m just calling from journalism class.”“They have a phone in there? Damn.”I heard a voice in the background. It was my journalism teacher angrily asking PepperoniNip what the fuck he was doing, not in those words. “I’m just talking to Ben about basketball.”“Oh, okay,” my teacher replied.“Yeah, so they started yet?” he asked again.“Nah, but they’re about to.”“I’m going to call back in 30 minutes for score updates, so don’t go anywhere.”It didn’t take me long to realize tha Read more:March
, Madness
, March Madness
book exerpt (1/3): Forever Sweet Sixteen 2007-03-17 00:37:00 A certain individual said he wouldn't support me because he hadn't read any of my book. For that reason I've decided to share the second chapter to I've Still Got Both My Nuts: A True Cancer Story.My dad said to me, "If you run out of things to write for your blog, you could add chapters from your book. Nobody would even know."Although he was right, this will most likely be the only time I show segments from my book.Chapter 2: FOREVER SWEET SIXTEEN (part 1 of 3)If time was to stop and I was stuck at one age for the rest of my life, then I would want to stay 16 forever. The only two negatives at that time were not being the legal age to get into an R-rated movie, and the hip thing…I was 16 and over halfway through my sophomore year of high school in Northern Virginia when it started. I was on the tennis team, not because it was my favorite sport but because I wasn’t good enough to make soccer or baseball. In the first week of practice we had a round-robin tournament to dete Read more:Forever
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book excerpt (2/3): Forever Sweet Sixteen 2007-03-20 16:03:00 Chapter 2: FOREVER SWEET SIXTEEN (part 2 of 3)Thursday, September 14, 2000 Before leaving school Thursday afternoon I talked to my friend Ink in the lobby. “What are you doing later?” he asked.“I gotta go see that orthopedic guy.”“Oh yeah, I forgot. What do you think he’ll say?”“He’ll probably tell me I have a dislocated hip or some shit,” I said jokingly.I met my mom at the doctor’s office after school. When he walked into the room he had me stand up and face her. I was butt-naked underneath the gown, so the whole situation was quite awkward. He pushed around my back and ass for over a minute as I stood there getting more and more nervous. Just say it’s a stress fracture! Quit fucking with me.Finally, after groping me for much longer than I felt was warranted, he said, “Something is definitely growing there.” Growing there – what the fuck does that mean? You want to clarify that?He then referred me to another orthopedic surgeon located in Washington, DC. Read more:Forever
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book excerpt (3/3): Forever Sweet Sixteen 2007-03-24 15:47:00 Chapter 2: FOREVER SWEET SIXTEEN (part 3 of 3)Monday, September 18, 2000My parents and I drove to Washington Hospital Center early in the morning. I had an appointment to see Dr. M&M, and also to be the recipient of a needle biopsy. Washington Hospital Center, plain and simple, is in the ghetto. As I sat in the back of my dad’s 1996 Chevrolet Astro Minivan, or what I like to call the Big Red Box, I couldn’t help but notice the men sitting idle on their doorsteps. It reminded me of the movie Friday.Dr. M&M is a famous surgeon who was one of the first to do limb sparing operations for tumors. My grandma even saw him giving an interview on TV right before I met with him. “I really like this guy,” she said.After an extremely long wait, he opened the door to my room with a slew of doctors. “Hello Benjamin. Hello Mr. and Mrs. Rubenstein. I’m Dr. M&M, and these are some of my colleagues.”“It’s nice to meet you,” his right-hand man, Dr. Phil, said.“Has anyone ever tol Read more:Forever
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The Stumbler 2007-03-29 07:49:00 One afternoon during the summer of 2002, before I went to college, I gave my friend The Stumbler a ride home from work. Right before I reached his driveway I saw a long, dark-colored snake on the other side of the road. I made a u-turn in an attempt to run him over, but he was gone by the time I got back. I fucking hate snakes.Our friend MrMountainDew was having people over that night, and we made it to his house around 8:00 PM. The Stumbler was taking a few shots from the bottle of Kentucky Gentleman Bourbon he brought, but seemed fine. Then, a few of the other guys decided to play power hour, a game where you take a shot of beer every minute for 60 minutes. This equates to anywhere between 5 and 8 beers, depending on how big the shot glass is.The Stumbler was reluctant to steal MrMountainDew’s beer, so he decided to play power hour with a mixture of bourbon and soda. He didn’t take a shot every minute, but he got damn close. By the end of the hour he was slurring, stumbling, and
newspaper article: I've Still Got Both My Nuts 2007-04-03 17:43:00 This is an article I wrote for my school newspaper, The Cavalier Daily, which printed today. Notice the shameless self-promotion.I've still got both my nutsA true cancer blogBenjamin Rubenstein, Cavalier Daily PerspectiveWhen I was first diagnosed with cancer my junior year of high school, I never thought I would write about it. Take your licks and move on, I thought to myself. Some scars, a limp and a year later, that's exactly what I did -- I moved on.I joined the Key Club just like everyone else to boost my college resume (I only attended one meeting). I was elected parliamentarian of both Chess Club and "It's Academic," even though I still don't know what that word means. Sadly, my chess record by the end of the year was 0-19 and I failed to correctly answer a single question in "It's Academic" competitions. I wanted to be president of Quill & Scroll but didn't even show up to the election. Instead, I signed a paper that read, "Ben Rubenstein is running for president," an
Quasi-Writer 2007-04-06 18:20:00 Going into college my doctors advised me not to get stressed-out, and I had no trouble abiding by their recommendation.After my second cancer I took their advice to a whole new level. I decided that I wouldn’t allow anything, especially school, to stress me out physically or mentally. This had become my general attitude toward life since my original cancer, but now it reached a ridiculous level as I refused to sacrifice going to the gym, eating or watching TV for studying. I even had a rule that I wouldn’t let studying dig into my eight hours of sleep.In case you don’t believe me, my GPA speaks for itself:1st semester – 3.17This was the only semester before cancer #2. Although it wasn’t up to my high school standards, a B average isn’t too bad.2nd semester – 2.77B- average isn’t too good. I even had a reduced course load, taking only nine credits. But I had just finished beating cancer, again; cut me some slack.3rd semester – 2.58Like I already said, my priorities we Read more:Writer
New York's Finest 2007-04-11 15:55:00 WARNING: PUT THE CHILDREN TO BED BEFORE READINGIn my 3rd year at UVA I lived with three other guys. One of them, who we’ll call T-Unit, happened to be one of the coolest people I’ve ever met. T-Unit is a 29 year-old who grew up in the projects and went to some of the worst public schools in New York
. Yet, he still managed to graduate from the second ranked undergraduate business program in the nation (UVA’s McIntire School of Commerce).We lived together when my academic laziness was nearly at its peak, so I spent much of my time in the living room watching TV. T-Unit had a sick ability to study and watch TV at the same time, so he often hung out with me. We’d have long conversations about everything, from politics to sports. From the outside it wouldn’t seem like we had anything in common: I’m white, he’s black, I’m short, he’s tall, I grew-up in the suburbs and he grew-up in the city. Maybe it was what I had gone through that allowed us to connect. He once gave
Window through Time 2007-04-17 01:53:00 Large windows, small windows, high-up windows, low to the ground windows, screened windows – I looked through them all. Some windows stared at other parts of the hospital campus, whereas others watched over the world, waiting patiently for Nature to make her next move. I saw the complete cycle of seasons, from fall all the way back to fall again. The brief period of deciduous trees releasing their brilliant colors. The swirling of those colors in the cold air, before resting on the ground. The naked trees waiting for the winter to end so they can sprout back to life. The snow flurries that transform the sky into a white galaxy. The world seemingly coming to life, leaving the trees not-so-naked anymore. The steady rain that clinks against the window. The heavy rain that pounds against the window. The lightning that electrifies the window. The thunder that shakes the window. And then it starts all over again.Looking back at cancer #1, the anticipation of leaving the hospital and joinin Read more:Window
The Stumbler: Part II 2007-04-22 02:51:00 Two days after graduating from high school in 2002, my friends and I went to Beach Week at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. The Stumbler came, got drunk, and had stories to tell afterward…if only he could remember them. That’s where I come in.Our friend MrMountainDew stayed in the house directly across the street from us, so the two of us often hung-out there. Those were some crazy fucks. They actually drove all the way from Manassas, Virginia with a U-Haul trailer full of alcohol (mostly just Milwaukee’s Best.) It’s safe to say that some of them may also have trouble remembering.One of them brought two pairs of boxing gloves, so there were always people fighting. Of course, The Stumbler wanted in on this action at the peak of his intoxication. In a normal scenario we would all be straight-headed enough to know that he shouldn’t box in that state of mind. But, our logical reasoning was shot to hell. We really wanted to see a boxing match for the ages.The two fighters entered the
Happy Birthday, Bone Marrow 2007-04-24 06:50:00 Today at approximately 11:30 AM, my bone marrow turns four years old. She’s been excited about this for days. And to answer your question, yes my bone marrow is a she, and no, that doesn’t make me a transsexual or anything (…not that there’s anything wrong with that). My donor just happened to be the stem cells of a newborn baby girl’s umbilical cord. My bone marrow is such a smart little girl. She taught herself how to write and do advanced Calculus. I think she’s one of those bone marrow prodigies.Last month she made out her birthday list. Here is what she asked for:1. DVD box set of the children’s show Bob the Builder At first I was glad she wanted to learn how to build shit, but all she does is watch the introductory song over and over again. She better think again if she thinks I’m going to waste my money on something she’ll barely use. Plus that damn song drives me crazy.2. A new doll collection and a pink dollhouse This is where I put my foot down. No bone marr Read more:Happy
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, Happy Birthday
Spank Bank 2007-04-29 18:40:00 I’m not claiming to be a lady’s man in any shape or form. When it comes to girls I’m about as worthless as it gets. Nevertheless, I find female presence absolutely necessary for young men; even if they’re just to look at.During my two month hospital stay, some of the days I can honestly say I was too fucked-up to think about girls. If Jessica Alba had walked into my room ready to bump uglies I’d probably have told her to leave me alone. “Try the dude next door. He’s like 14, he might want to.”But many of my hospital days I thought about girls more than anything else, with the exception of food. Sometimes I’d look out my window hoping to get a long-distance glimpse of a girl walking by. Weird fantasies would enter my head, like a strong gust of wind hitting a girl in a miniskirt.The only humans I saw each day were my family, doctors and nurses. Bingo. Besides modeling, you won’t find a profession with more hot girls than nursing. I’ve had tons of nurses over the y
Like a Rock 2007-05-04 18:04:00 I would rather have diarrhea than constipation. But as I said in Pooping Your Pants Is Cool, cancer patients don’t get to choose. For the entire year of my first cancer, I had to battle rock-hard shits.If you think it’s strange that I can openly discuss my past bowel troubles, you’re probably right. But that’s what my hospital friends and I did more than anything else – we talked about pooping. We talked about it with our family, doctors, nurses, friends and each other.Our bowel conditions essentially became a sign of our relative health. We may have had massive tumors and our white blood cells may have been close to zero, but if our constipation was under control then we were perfectly fine.Most of us had our surgeries after our fifth cycle of chemo. Cancer surgery is generally not something people look forward to, yet it did have some benefits. In particular, there was a brief reprieve from extreme constipation. Although my bowels still weren’t even close to normal becau
Bad Dream 2007-05-09 23:57:00 I’m in a small, futuristic room full of monitors. I get the feeling we’re on some kind of space shuttle, or at least what looks like one. And although it seems like we’re in the future, I still look the same. I must age well. My family and Dr. P are in the room with me.The room has all the makings of a hospital and I’m lying on the bed because I have cancer, again. Luckily, this time there is no year of treatment and no two-month hospital stay. The entire treatment regimen is two extremely intense days of chemotherapy.“Is it really only two days?” I ask.“Yes,” Dr. P replies. “We’re going to pound you into oblivion.”“Ah, whatever. I’ve had worse. So, when do I begin?”“Right now, actually. I’m going to put you to sleep for this, and you’ll awaken in a few hours. Is that okay?”“Sure, let’s get started.”And just like that, I’m asleep as new chemotherapy targeting my third cancer courses through my veins.Hours later I am awake. I check out my surr Read more:Dream
, Bad Dream
Size 16 in the Crotch 2007-05-07 17:55:00 This may be the funniest picture I've ever seen.I have a few questions I would love to ask the dude:Is that what you call dancing?What did you do to piss off PsychoGirl?On a scale of 1-10, how much do your balls hurt right now?A few more for PsychoGirl:How big is your shoe?Why do you want to take away his manhood?You have a crush on him, don't you?What makes it so funny is the guy looks a bit like The Stumbler.
Spank Bank: Part II 2007-05-14 21:34:00 A while back I told the Spank Bank story to my friend, Colossus. He laughed his ass off, then stopped and looked at me funny."What?" I asked."The last time I was in a hospital I passed by the nursing station"Colossus began his usual demonic laughter."Yeah, so, what's your point?""Dude, when I passed by, I looked at their monitors…they have cameras in every patient's room""Bullshit!""I'm serious. They have cameras so they know when the patient's in trouble. Your #1 hottie saw you"Now he was laughing uncontrollably. I tried to look for any bit of truth in that, but couldn't think above his laughter. "Would you just shut up for one second!"I mentally took myself back to my hospital room and scanned the ceiling. HEPA filter in one corner. The door near another. The other two corners…shit, I don't remember.I didn't believe Colossus, but I had to make certain. I called my nursing friend."Is there any chance after my transplant there was a c
Strikeout 2007-05-19 03:22:00 When I was in the 6th grade, my friend Daisy started a rumor that I liked one of the hottest 11 year olds, Hoja. The rumor spread like wildfire, and by the end of the day everyone knew about my supposed crush.On the bus ride home I angrily asked Daisy, “Why did you tell people I liked Hoja?”“I saw you sitting across from her in math class and noticed you blushing,” she said. “I was just joking about the rumor. It’s not true, is it?”“Yeah, it’s true,” I replied.“Oh I’m sorry…Do you want me to ask her out for you?”“Umm…I guess. But don’t tell her I told you to.”“Okay, I’ll ask her tomorrow,” Daisy said.The next afternoon on the bus Daisy told me that Hoja had declined her offer. I didn’t speak to Hoja the rest of 6th grade, and was ecstatic when she moved away the following year.Little did I know my sixth grade self was setting the pattern that would hold for years to come. Here are the best of my more recent strikeouts.1I see a girl sitting a
Soy Queen 2007-05-24 10:48:00 Back in the day I drank chocolate milk every night with dinner. Nesquik tasted better, but Hershey’s was healthier because it was low fat. A tough decision, but I was a winner either way. Back in the day my friend Infincuralier and I frequently went to Dairy Queen
. He always got the Brownie Earthquake and I would order the strawberry shortcake.After my transplant, all of that changed.My first allergic reaction happened shortly after eating a Tastycake peanut butter Kandy Kake, whilst drinking chocolate milk. My lip swelled like a balloon, and I was quick to lay the blame on peanuts. Everybody knows peanut is the most common allergy, and I wasn’t about to relinquish my Nesquik.Things got worse.At the beginning of my first semester back at college I had a severe allergic reaction nearly every night. On several occasions I put my roommate on guard, in case he needed to take me to the ER. Twice we had our shoes on ready to leave, right as the Benadryl began to kick in.All of my reactio
Quarter Mile of Shit 2007-05-29 11:34:00 Five months after my transplant I was FUCKED UP. My organs were confused as to what they were supposed to do. My kidneys had become stupid, my lungs decided to collect microscopic organisms, my gallbladder went into hibernation, and my intestines were involved in the most extreme bowel transition ever.It all started when my hospital made an error, which resulted in a pooping incident never before seen in human history. When it was over, it took an entire day for me to re-hydrate from all the fluid I’d lost to the toilet. After that I decided I wasn’t going to shit again for the rest of my life.This resolution lasted two weeks, which turns out to be an insanely long time to go without defecating. The next week I had mild, constant abdominal pain on my left side, which I thought was a strained muscle. My doctor ordered me an X-ray and the picture wasn’t pretty. I had a massive collection of excrement.MASSIVE.“I have a quarter-mile back-up of shit,” I told people.Over the next t
12 Double Cheeseburgers 2007-06-04 00:04:00 One day after school during my junior year of high school I saw my friend Iceman in the parking lot, ready to go home. I was headed to McDonald’s for a midday snack and asked if he wanted to join me."What, do you go like every day or something?” Iceman asked.“Yeah, pretty much.”“Alright, let’s go.”Iceman once told me he could eat 12 McDonald’s double cheeseburgers in an hour. I didn’t believe him and offered to make a bet. “I’ll buy your double cheeseburgers and give you $10 if you win, but if you lose you have to pay me back for the burgers.”“What else do you get if I lose?”“Nothing. Watching you suffer through 12 double cheeseburgers will be entertaining enough.”At McDonald’s that late afternoon something extremely rare happened – something even rarer than the anticipated rapid-fire consumption of two dozen hamburger patties: I actually talked about cancer in a non-joking, “real” way. I told Iceman what it was like being in and out of school.
My Hip Xray: Part II 2007-06-09 00:37:00 Cat left this comment on My Hip Xray:...I'm assuming you have quite the limp...No, Cat. I think of it more as a pimped-out strut than a limp.
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