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Together Again 2008-04-24 02:47:54 Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again
, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.” Read more:Together Again
Overweight Daddy 2008-04-24 02:45:07 A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says, “Mom, the last few nights I have woken up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it is, you’re sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?” The startled mother recovers quickly and she says, “Your dad is a little overweight and I’m trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him.” The little kid just shakes his head and says, “Mom, you’re wasting your time because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over & blows daddy right back up!” Read more:Daddy
, Overweight
Holding The Baby 2008-04-24 02:39:04 A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
Observing The Baby 2008-04-24 02:33:04 Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50." Read more:Observing
Why I Love Her 2008-04-24 02:23:16 A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies..."Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"So what say the friends, flip her over."Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says."Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in."Halitosis" the man says."Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say."Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."
It’s The Dog’s Fault, I Swear! 2008-04-24 02:20:43 A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he’s also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girl’s house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready. At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it’s safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seiz Read more:Fault
, Swear
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike? 2008-04-24 02:18:20 1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.7. It's best to have a soft place to land.8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.11. Once you learn, you never forget how.12. If Read more:Riding
Yo Mama Jokes 1 2008-04-24 01:56:57 Yo mama's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound!Yo mama's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!Yo mama's so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared!Yo mama's so short she does backflips under the bed!Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention!Yo mama's so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed!Yo mama's so greasy companies buy their Oil from her!Yo mama's so flat she's jealous of the wall!Yo mama's so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers!Yo mama's so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning!Yo mama's so lazy sh Read more:Jokes
Trouble at the Nudist Colony 2008-04-24 01:52:00 John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"John replies: "No!" She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."She then layes him down and starts making love to him.Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"John replies, "No!" The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his thin Read more:Colony
, Nudist
, Trouble
Pinocchio and sandpaper 2008-04-24 01:48:24 One day Pinocchio
came to Gepetto with a problem. “Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?” “Have you tried sandpaper?” Pinocchio hadn’t, so he went to try it. “Pinochio,” said Gepetto a few weeks later. “How is the problem work out with your “Girlfriend?” said Pinnochio. “Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?”
A famous lawyer goes to the gates of Heaven 2008-04-24 01:46:21 A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven
. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book. Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed alo
First blow job 2008-04-24 01:40:57 A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion. The man says, “I’m celebrating in a way.” The bartender asks the man what he’s celebrating. The man smiles and says, “I’m celbrating my first Blowjob.” The bartender says, “Well now, that sure is worth celbrating. Hell, I’ll buy you another shot. It’s on me! The man says, “No thanks. If 12 shots don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.” Read more:First
The nun and the drunk man 2008-04-24 01:39:43 There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk
. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said, “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”
Doctor, You’ve got to help me 2008-04-24 01:34:37 “Doctor
, Doctor, You’ve got to help me - I just can’t stop my hands shaking!” “Do you drink a lot?” “Not really - I spill most of it!”
More Lawyer jokes 2008-04-23 05:24:48 Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?A: Your Honor.Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?A: Chelsea.Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?A: His partners or an anvil.Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?A: Nothing; there are some things a pig won't do.Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?A: The pronunciation.Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?A: You cry when you cut up an onion.Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?A: To practice. Read more:Lawyer
Golfing Relief 2008-04-23 05:16:46 Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her h Read more:Golfing
Magic Mirror 2008-04-23 03:05:54 There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in. Read more:Magic
Top Ten Reasons To Celebrate Resurrection Sunday (Easter) 2008-04-25 04:11:16 10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments". 9. You look really, really good in yellow. 8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad. 6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies. 5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed. 4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason. 3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play." 2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter
, you'd give it a shot. 1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too? Read more:Celebrate
, Reasons
, Resurrection
, Sunday
, Top Ten
, Top Ten Reasons
Holiday Shopping 2008-04-25 04:04:12 A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas." The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat Read more:Holiday
, Shopping
Sports Commentator Slip Ups 2008-04-25 03:59:15 "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race1977)"Julian Dicks is Read more:Commentator
, Sports
No Butter 2008-04-25 03:58:03 Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods. He found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch.All of a sudden ...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,"Fred, where are you?"Fred yells back, " Read more:Butter
Two Golfers 2008-04-25 03:56:23 A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,became confused as to where he was on the course.Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew thathole he was playing.She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the6th hole."He thanked her and went back to his golf.On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again withthe same request.She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be onthe 13th hole."Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.T Read more:Golfers
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