Owner: USELESS ADVICE FROM USELESS MEN URL:http://uselessmen.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 10:18:29 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: Answering reader submitted questions daily since 2005.
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QUESTION # 428: THE LAW OF GRAVITY 2006-12-07 16:06:00 Dear Useless Man, How is it that it took newton his entire life until that day under the tree to notice that stuff falls down?MartijnDear Martijn, Isaac Newton had a very colorful, although quite boring, life. As a young man he studied mathematics, science and religion. It's also been said that he had the largest collection of Playboy magazines of any of his chums. But he is reported to have only bought them for the articles. Although current history books don't mention it, there is an emerging theory among some current historians that he, in fact, originally lived under the sea in Atlantis. And, as scientists discovered in the 1950's, stuff does not fall down when you are underwater. It actually falls up. So, it is not surprising that, given his living conditions, it took Newton well into his adult years to discover gravity. Fortunately for mankind, and some of womankind, he did eventually leave Atlantis with his family and moved to dry land. It was a sort of evolution of thinking Read more:GRAVITY
QUESTION # 427: SIGNAL THE USELESS GAL 2006-12-06 17:24:00 Dear Useless Men,How are women able to hide the glance back so much better than us?MartijnDear Martijn,The main reason why women can "hide" the glance back better than men can is because we see with our eyes, not our boobs. So most times when a man is in position to catch a woman glancing back, he's actually too busy staring at the boobs and misses whatever motion the woman's head/eyes are making. This is fixable, but at a grave cost. If you forced yourself to look at a woman's eyes just so you could catch her glancing back, you would be wasting hours upon hours of perfectly good boob-watching time. Clearly, the cure is worse than the disease.The other reason why women hide the glance back better than men is because by nature we are subtle. It's just not obvious what we're doing. Just like how women wear push up bras to create mountains of cleavage to get attention... Subtle. And like how your wife/mom screams at you, chases you with various kitchen implements, and throws
QUESTION # 426: CHEAT EXECUTIVE OFFICER OF THE USA 2006-12-05 15:52:00 Dear Useless Men,Why did they vote for Bush the second time?MartijnDear Martijn,He wanted to see if he could avoid instituting martial law first. That's why. Kind of like how, when you go to the store, and you have a coupon that's expired, you try to use it first just to see if they'll take it. If they don't, you act all surprised, like, "Oh, really? Oh, you're right! It does say that. My, my, those letters are small," and you pay them full price. See? We didn't call Bush on his coupon, so he got to stay in office. But why bother peddling a whimsical answer when the truth is so much more hilarious!Once upon a time there was a thing called the Republic. It was grand. When people wanted to cheat the system, they had to come up with names, social security numbers, birthdays. All kinds of things! Slimy politicians practically had to work harder to fake their own poll results than they did to just win the election! Ahh, the halcyon days of yore. Now, let's fast forward
QUESTION # 425: ARTS, CRAFTS, AND INSECURITY 2006-12-04 13:33:00 Dear Useless Men,How do you get your girl to never have insecurities?martijnDear Martijn,Women feel insecure because they are constantly trying to outdo each other. Men are tagged as competitive because we have found sports and embraced it....in a manly, rough embrace, two back-slaps kind of way, of course! Women haven't been able to channel this and they are in a constant battle royale to become the ultimate woman. While men often benefit from this in the form of slinky dresses and constant attempts to out-cook her in-law's, we can also suffer from this. Because of these insecurities, we, as a gender, have become cautious of giving compliments and answering questions. The best way to get around this is to treat your girl like she is the best thing since sliced bread. Even if she makes an army cook's worst slop look like a creation of Chef Paul Prudhomme, you are to compliment her on her cooking. While you're at it, make sure you tell her how lovely she is at times when she
QUESTION # 424: POSITIVE MENTAL URINE 2006-12-01 17:01:00 Dear Useless Men, How important do you think PMA is? PMA = positive mental attitude. Tom Dear Tom, I am really glad I was the one who got to answer this question. The other Useless Men have been so negative lately. Who cares about that? Not me, for one. Well, it bugs me a little bit. But if they want to be all cranky, then I can be cranky right back. So pfffffft… But on to your question: How important do you think PMA is? A lot of people confuse PMA with its acronym cousin "PMU", or Pregnant Mare Urine, which is used to produce birth control pills. For human females. Not the mares. It would be a little late for that because they are already pregnant… ha,ha…Like Pregnant Mare Urine, having a Positive Mental Attitude is a good thing. Although I don't really see how it relates to birth control like the Pregnant Mare Urine does. If you go out with someone who doesn't use birth control, but tells you she is using it so she can get pregnant and trick you into marrying her, t Read more:URINE
QUESTION # 423: GET RICH QUICK 2006-11-30 21:15:00 Dear Useless Men,Which of Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.'s 101+ ways to Get Rich Quick! will get the average person 1) Richest, 2) Quickest, and 3) Rich Quickest? Thank you.RichardDear Richard, I've never met a billionaire before, but I may have a few friends in the million range. I suspect that if I took the entire value of all my friends collectively without depreciation or taxes or pending alimony and bail bonds, then perhaps we could be considered a billionaire, as a collective group. Sort of a Billionaire Senate, but I think that title is already taken by the US Senate. I'm not sure about American politics though…I reviewed your list of 101+ ways to Get Rich Quick!, and I was surprised to find many useful areas of quick richness. But let's be honest Richard… Can I call you Richard? I promise I won't call you Dick. Dick Quick would assure a boy many beatings in grade school, and likely a lot of dateless nights. Boy, are my thoughts wandering today…Anyway, le
QUESTION # 422: DEAL OR NO DEAL 2006-11-29 23:06:00 Dear Useless Men,Have you seen this show? What (if any) strategy do you suggest for any Canadians who appear as contestants now that it's coming to Canada.Click here to apply for the Canadian shows.The Ball... I mean Deal BreakerDear Breaker,As an applicant, I can honestly say that the winning strategy is to pick the million dollar case first. This is the only way to ensure that you will win the big money. While this sounds difficult to do, it is actually very simple. There are several methods that would work to determine which case it is. The simplest one involves my favourite technology: the time machine. The first step is to get on the show. Once you have completed this, you will need to play the game as any other person would do. Make sure you take note of the case number that contains the million dollars. If you are lucky enough to get it on the first try, then congratulations. If not, then this is where the note with the case number comes in handy. Head to your local el
QUESTION # 421: HOME BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES 2006-11-28 15:11:00 Dear Useless Men,I was browsing a book at Chapters (being cheap and poor I just made notes hoping none of the staff bothered to notice me) about 101 home business ideas. There were some pretty interesting and creative ideas for people who want to work from home for whatever reasons. What great ideas can the Useless Men come up with for home businesses for single parents or disabled people for instance?Bizy Body Dear Bizy Body, First of all, don't waste your time at Chapters. The real start-up books you want to copy from are at Indigo. It sounds to me like your lazy. Me too. That's why I've been running my own home business. A fellow I met at a community BBQ introduced me to P.S.I. (Pyramid Schemes Incorporated). Now as Steve, a Director of Regional Sales Managers for P.S.I., told me, Pyramid Schemes Inc. is not open to everybody. However, after I told him I was between jobs, but not really looking for work, he said I was exactly the kind of candidate he needed. That's
QUESTION # 420: ANDROGYNOUS CONUNDRUM 2006-11-27 15:39:00 Dear Useless Men, I really need your advice. Today, while on the job, I inadvertently and not on purpose victimized a person of questionable genderage, incorrectly identifying a "she" as "he." Needless to say, it put a serious damper on the work relationship. I will have to work with shim again in the future. Should apologize, or would that only make things more uncomfortable? Or, do I pretend nothing ever happened, and risk shim being angry with me? Please tell me what to do!Signed,X/Y ChromosomeDear X/Y, On the one hand, saying absolutely nothing is probably the easiest route. Sure it'll be uncomfortable at first, but thing of all the really uncomfortable stuff you'll be avoiding by just never bringing it up again! Things like when you point it out and apologize and she goes, "Don't worry, my mom does it all the time. Least when you do it you don't cackle afterwards," or, maybe if she gets mad, looks at you and goes, "Well, I might not have breasts, but at least I don't hav
QUESTION # 419: IF A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK WOOD 2006-11-24 16:36:00 Dear Useless MenIf a woodchuck chucked wood, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it only had one tooth?PhilDear Phil, Why are you wasting my time? I could be answering an important question from a teenaged mother of a newborn, or a desperate message from a hungry, dentureless geriatric. My answer to both would be creamed spinach, but that's not the point. The point is, I didn't get a chance to answer their imaginary letters all because you wanted to know about the abilities of a one-toothed Woodchuck, which probably doesn't exist.If that's the way you want to play, then why not ask me "How much corn a Unicorn could unify, if a Unicorn could unify corn?" Unicorns, also, probably don't exist, but that would've been a much more interesting question. Instead of answering that question with a semi-brilliant, "I don't know" reply, I am stuck answering your Woodchuck question to which, sadly, I almost know the answer.It's all about math! First, we have to assume that the
QUESTION # 418: MUST. STAY. AWAKE. 2006-11-23 21:57:00 Dear Useless Men,I have a problem. I am a student at a college. Every time I start trying to read something I fall asleep. Whether I've had a lot of sleep or only a little. What do you recommend as a way to stay awake while I'm reading The Golden Ass or Othello?Yours truly,Narcoleptic KnowledgeDear Narc,While research shows that the best non-medicinal way to stay awake while reading is to use toothpicks on your eyelids, we could not find any photo evidence to prove our point. We did find a cartoon about it though.We are investigating a new system currently being tested at UCLA. Apparently, it involves security and copious taser charges. Our shipment of tasers is still pending approval at the US-Canada border.Useless Men everywhere can tell you that the best place to read is in the bathroom. Firstly, you are actively engaged in multi-tasking, and while your legs or feet may fall asleep, no adult has been known to fall asleep reading on the toilet. Sure, some people pass out drunk on t Read more:AWAKE
QUESTION # 429: OPENING THE USELESS TIN 2006-12-08 19:29:00 Dear Useless Men, Who won the tin last month? And more importantly, what the heck was in it? Signed,Tinny TimDear Tinny Tin, The short answer to the winner is, "Not you" But who wants short answers? Besides, by asking about last month's winner, you are entering into this month's contest. More on that later. I have to bold it for our friends south of the border according to our comments from last month.In the contest period during the month of November, we received 34 questions. That's a lot for us. So we thank you. We're actually able to work ahead by a week or so because of it. To fairly pick a winner, The Useless Wonder and I tried to find a less convoluted plan than the random number picking of strangers featured in our last contest. That system took WAY TOO LONG. Instead, we drew a grid of all the questions entered, and randomly placed numbers in the squares. Then I blindfolded The Useless Wonder to ensure his non-biased choosing. As we discussed different w Read more:OPENING
QUESTION # 431: MAGNESIUM IS HOT 2006-12-12 18:29:00 Dear Useless Men,What do you think about magnesium?Dear Sir,I had no idea that you also know Magnesium. It's a small world for sure. Wow. I haven't thought about Magnesium for years. When Magnesium is on fire, she's so hot I can't even look at her.My love affair with Magnesium started when I met her a few years ago, as she danced on the Sapphire Gold stage. It was difficult to get to know her because there were so many other greasy men fondling her with their eyes.After one of her shifts I had a nice, wholesome conversation with her, which seemed unusual for a gentleman's club. There must have been something in the air that night, and not just all the girls' legs. We discovered we had a lot in common, me with my butt cheek implants and her with... well, you know, other implants.I was curious about her name, but I never got around to asking her why she chose it. Even though she invited me back to her place, she didn't do much talking. But we did a lot of ice cream. I assume sh
QUESTION # 432: SPELLING VARIANTS 2006-12-13 19:21:00 Dear Useless Men, Why are there variants in spellings acroos the pond in Britan (i.e.artefact, artifact. colour, color)? Cordially, Colour/color me Confounded Dear/deer Colour/color me Confounded, I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your question but your letter set off alarms in my spell check program that took days to correct. People living acroos, or across as we call it in Canada, the pond, or ocean as we call it here, in Britan, or Britain as we tend to call it, have always had their own way to spell words. It's a little known fact that the people who left Britain on the Mayflower really were not trying to escape religious persecution as typically thought, but were in fact trying to escape the somewhat wacky, or whackey as they say it in Britain, spelling used there. The first Americans, or second if you are one of the few people who count the Indian nations already living in America, were overjoyed to find that they could spell words any way they wished in the new cou
QUESTION # 433: SASKATCHEWAN VASECTOMIZER 2006-12-14 04:31:00 Dear Useless Men,Okay, I get it. It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get back up. Hi, Windy here. Read your advice, loved it...I think Thanks! But here's the thing now, I met this guy named Georg, and he wants me to weather for him. Do you think I should? If yoo think it's okay, what about Saskatchewan in the spring?Thanks Windy City WomanDear Windy, I'd like to say it's great to hear from you again, but I think it may just blow through one ear and out the other, like the great Saskatchewan wind of the fall. I'd worry that my words would be insulting, but I'll take my chances.Firstly, never trust a person who doesn't include the silent "e" at the end of their name. If someone came up to me and told me his name was Georg, without the "e", I'd find him curious. Georg, Stev, or Jo, are nothing but trouble in my books. Granted, it's usually parents who name children. There is something to be said about a name. Take mine for example: Jody
QUESTION # 434: GET A HULKING NEW RAISE 2006-12-15 22:07:00 Dear Useless Men,I have graduated from College for more than 3 years... My peers are earning big bucks, getting fat bonus, managed to get transfer to those big cities like London.. whereas I am in a courier company doing administrative tasks... It really sucks...no big bucks, no fat bonus...I have been changing jobs / companies for the past 3 years to make sure I get a good employer and a good boss who can fully utilize my abilities and talents... but in vain...What should i do ? my career is a crap.Dear Career Crapper,You've been trying the wrong career! Hulk Hogan didn't start out as the top wrestler! No sir! He kicked some butt to get to where he is today (namely a nice house in Florida with two bratty kids) and you should too!The next time you get to work, I want you to march right into your boss's office. He'll be standing there in his suit and handsome tie, a perplexed look on his well-groomed features, and standing beside his desk he'll address you. "Hello," he'll say.
QUESTION # 435: SEPARATION ANXIETY 2006-12-18 14:01:00 Dear Useless Men,I recently amputated my leg, because it kept falling asleep. The only problem is that stump is starting to smell like rotten fish and pig manure.Should I go to the hospital or should I just stay home?Sincerely,Mark WollyDear Mark,First off, let me congratulate you on a decisive solution to a minor problem. A truly useless move if ever there was one. When I think of all the times I got up and hobbled around, trying to get my sleepy leg awake, I am embarrassed. By letting my leg push me around all these years, I have wasted so much time. As for the smell, I can honestly say that at this time of year you need to hang around Christmas trees a lot. Their intoxicating pine scent will take your mind off of the funk that drifts from your stump. If you haven't let your limb push you around after all these years, you can't let it now. Your leg is simply trying to get the last laugh. If it makes you go to the hospital, it gets the final say in your severed relationship.
QUESTION # 436: EDUCAMATION FOR A QUARTER 2006-12-19 22:28:00 Dear Useless Men, Is it really necessary to educate my eleven year old son? He doesn't seem to like learning very much and is most comfortable watching soft porn and Oprah. I believe society is too consumed with education. Why can't we just let kids do whatever the hell they want? Is that really such a bad thing? Thanks, Martha Linkhousen Dear Martha Linkhousen, Shakespeare said it best I think: "To educate or not to educate. That is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous education, Or to skip the education, watcheth the soft pornicus and Oprahtium and end up a politican..." Anyways, enough of me showing off my grade 7 smartness. You need an answer and I'm here to provide it. Many great people in history haven't had a formal education and they did ok for themselves. For example most cartoon characters didn't go to school and they have their own TV shows. As do people like Oprah, Maury, Martha and a bunch of other weirdos. Most
QUESTION # 438: G-SALE - NO STRINGS ATTACHED 2006-12-21 16:42:00 Dear Useless Men,Is there a code of conduct when it comes to shamelessly try to sell your own person items from your home at a garage sale? For example: Is it ok to sell a used toilet seat or the wives old g-strings(only been worn once or twice but washed since then)? Or is it ok to sell things you borrowed (stole) from your neighbor that has since moved (due to restraining order) to Florida?Dear Mr. Garage Sale, Garage sales aren't only a good way to make a buck when times are tight. They're also a sneaky way for a wife to rid her house of a few extra sets of golf clubs, or a box of Big 'Uns or Playboys which always seem to be lying on the coffee table, drawing gasps of horror from Rabbi Seamus.But yes, there are rules to abide by when selling items at a garage sale. One must remember that a garage sale is not for the affluent buyer. Cheap people attending garage sales expect to find deals, bargains and treasures, like those on the Antique Roadshow. It's important that you don't
QUESTION # 439: NOT TOO LATE FOR CHRISTMAS 2006-12-22 22:45:00 Dear Useless Men, My husband and I are racking our brains to come up with a gift for our in-laws, we need some advice. What do you give two people who's primary interest is TV? They already have a TV, satellite, VCR, DVD player and universal remote (which, when the grandkids play with it needs to be reprogrammed). They are also up on all the TV guide information and have no trouble finding the time and channel of their soaps. Christmas is coming so please give us some ideas. By the way, do you know how to get artificial snow off windows? Thanks,Christmas ConundrumDear Christmas Conundrum,You have spent too much time thinking and not enough time shopping. Not everything is available online these days. Not yet, anyway. Sometimes you have to line up and wait, say for 12 hours, overnight, in December, in the cold, in Canada, with a bunch of strangers, like I did, for the coveted gaming system: the Nintendo Wii.You KNOW it's got to be fun. It sounds just like the sound you make whe
QUESTION # 440: FREUDIAN SHIM 2006-12-26 20:56:00 Dear Useless "People",I'm checking back in after the useless advice you gave regarding my incorrectly identifying a person of mysterious genderage in question #420...See, the afore-mentioned "shim" works for a convenience store that's part of a chain. Yes, "Rebecca" looks and sounds very much like a guy, hence my error. Well, today, I went to a different store within the same corporation, and noticed a young girlish clerk. Having learned my lesson from before, I didn't attach a "Sir" or "Madam" to its title. Good thing, too-- "Rob" was embroidered on its shirt.My question: where is the corporate office finding all these visibly asexual people??? Is there a regional HQ that they come from?Confusedly,X/Y Chromosome Dear X/Y Chromosome,Maybe you're just bad at figuring this sort of thing out. I'm sure Roberta appreciated the fact that you didn't out and out call her a guy. What I'm really wondering is, how are you continuing to find these people? I mean a big faceless corpor
QUESTION # 441: PICKLED HIDE AND SEEK 2006-12-27 14:02:00 Dear Useless Men,Following on the heels of the woodchuck, here's a question:If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?It's an age-old questionDear Age-Old Question,Did you know that one U.S. peck is equivalent to 8 quarts? That's pretty substantial and would prove challenging to hide. When was the last time a man was able to successfully hide the 8 quarts of Castrol GTX he bought his wife for Valentine's Day? You can't just slip something that large under the mattress, or behind the toilet, or the plasma TV. No, you have to be a master of the hiding technique. And who is a master at hiding?Ninjas don't count, since they're basically just sneaking around, spying through rice paper doors at girlies in kimonos. So, ignoring ninjas, I came up with two other distinct groups of "hiding masters" while pondering this question within a question.Despite having miniscule brains, and the intelligence of a two-year old, dinosaurs
QUESTION # 442: SIZE DOESN'T MATTER 2006-12-28 13:04:00 Dear Useless Men,My wife claims that the new television I bought is too large. It is only 51 inches. How can I shut her up and prove that this TV is not too large?Dear Size Challenged,You have committed the first cardinal sin of electronic acquisition: justification. You should never have to justify the purchase of any electronic purchase brought home if you follow some simple steps. But now that you're in this mess, I would recommend using her words against her. When she mentions the size of the television, you tell her that you thought that when she said, "Size doesn't matter, Dear", that you thought she meant the screen. Women don't really pay attention to what we say, as anything spoken is immediately assumed to be wrong anyhow.What you should have done was start looking at the really small and crappy televisions. When your wife finally takes pity on you and says that you should, at least, buy a decent one, you can start looking at things like Frank's 2000-inch TV or
QUESTION # 443: TIME WASTER 2006-12-29 15:53:00 Dear Useless Men, Fess up. What question made you think: "This is so lame, I wasted my time reading it. I am certainly not going to waste my time answering it!" Thank you (-: Mary Dear Mary,While some of our questions have been so very long to read, like the recent Question #415, and some nearly unreadable, like Question #200, we appreciate every question we receive. Every question submitted has received an answer. Even much of our spam receives a reply. We try to avoid receiving questions in our comments section, but if someone is so useless that they are unable to send us a proper email, then we will even answer those. And we want to say thanks for the many unanswered questions from our readers (from the offer of a prize, I suspect). Our inbox is full for January already, with many interesting, humourous and well-written questions, many of which will receive terribly useless answers and leave people wondering why they waited four weeks for their personal replies. Others will for Read more:WASTER
QUESTION # 444: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! 2007-01-02 19:49:00 Dear Useless Men,Can you tell me how to keep a woman happy?TomDear Tom,Ugh. That question is a dog's breakfast! I'm getting stressed just trying to come up with an answer for it. I'll bet you're stressed, too, if you're trying to figure out how to keep a woman happy.The instinctual response to stress is fight or flight. Now, I don't recommend you try to fight the woman you're trying to keep happy... Most of them won't like that. (But like Alexander Keith's... Those who like it, like it a lot!) That leaves the second option: flight. This I highly recommend. Running away is a great solution to this problem because:1) you're running away from the stressful problem... Therefore the problem is not near you and for all intents and purposes, doesn't exist!2) if it's you that's making the woman unhappy, you've just fixed the problem.3) if the woman is unhappy, at least you're not there to bear the brunt of it!I think that's the perfect answer. But just in case you d
QUESTION # 446: CURIOSITY BITES BACK 2007-01-04 20:06:00 Dear Useless Men,How many questions do I need to ask to win the mystery tin box? The curiosity is making me do it. I'm kind of afraid to actually find out what you've poured, chucked, scraped, or pounded in here. Shy but CuriousDear Shy, You certainly ARE shy. In fact, we already answered this question. Next time, step up and ASK! While this is the first time we have had two questions asking effectively the exact same thing, we are still prepared to uselessly answer this question in a very useful way. The answer was 15. IF you asked 15 questions, you would have won the tin. In fact, I think you did ask 15 questions, and you are the tin winner. You said IN HERE! Not in THERE! And I saw a picture of it on your blog. So don't be shy… just admit it! You sent this question in to be entered in the draw again. You greedy, greedy girl. As if dog food and pens weren't enough… This does give me an opportunity to discuss the winner of the last useless prize package from 2006 Read more:CURIOSITY
QUESTION # 447: I DO. DO YOU? 2007-01-05 15:21:00 Dear Useless Men,Hello!I wanted to let you and your readers know that Ross-Simons.com, an internet jewelry retailer headquartered in Rhode Island, is holding a contest for couple about to get married. The grand prize is a $10,000 jewelry shopping spree on Ross-Simons.com. Contestants are asked to make creative home videos about their proposal. They can be funny, insightful, serious, awkward or poignant. The only real requirement is that they be entertaining. The promotion is tied into a campaign involving home videos of proposals gone horribly awry, so prospective contestants are encouraged to have fun with the premise.More details, contestant videos as well as rules and regulations can be found at www.proposalgonewrong.com.Our original proposal gone wrong video pieces can be seen on YouTube as well.Onstage ProposalThanks!Margarita Dear Margarita, I realize this contest is for proposals gone wrong, but does it also include weddings gone wrong? You see, my proposal went so terribly wr
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