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No title 2008-04-22 07:19:00 A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices our Little Johnny trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Little Johnny is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching Little Johnny’s efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which Little Johnny replies, “Now we run!”
MY OWN DICTIONARY! 2008-04-24 11:27:00 BEAUTY PARLOR:A place where women curl up and dye.CANNIBAL:Someone who is fed up with people.CHICKENS:The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.COMMITTEE:A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.DUST:Mud with the juice squeezed out.EGOTIST:Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.GOSSIP:Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.KLEENEX:Cold Storage.INFLATION:Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.MOSQUITO:An insect that makes you like flies better.RAISIN:Grape with a sunburn.SECRET:Something you tell to one person at a time.SKELETON:A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.TOOTHACHE:The pain that drives you to extraction.TOMORROW:One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.YAWN:An honest opinion openly expressed.WRINKLES:Somet
Bumper Snickers 2008-04-24 11:27:00 - Born Free. Taxed to Death- Don't Steal. The Government hates Competition- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name- A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain- All men are Idiots, and I married their King- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Read more:Bumper
, Snickers
FATHER'S NAME! 2008-04-25 11:59:00 teacher: write down your father's name in english & show me.student wrote: red beautiful underwear.teacher: what nonsense? are you joking? stand up & tell me your father's name.student: sir, Sunder lal Chadda.
SANTA IN MEDICAL EXAM! 2008-04-25 11:56:00 Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?Needless to say he never made it. You know why?These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.Antibody - against everyoneArtery - The study of the paintings.Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.Caesarean section - a district in Rome.Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.Chronic - neck of a crow.Coma - punctuation mark.Cortisone - area around local court.Cyst - short for sister.Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.Dislocation - in this place.Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.Enema - not a friend.Fake labour - pretending to work.Genes - blue denim.Hernia - she is close by.Impotent - distinguished/well known.Labour pain - hurt a
Best joke in Britan 2008-04-25 11:53:00 A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese"."Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."( This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organize
The Devil's Dictionary 2008-05-02 12:45:00 A selection of quotes from "The Devil
's Dictionary
" by Ambrose Bierce:1. BACKBITE, v.t.To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.2. BEAUTY, n.The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.3. BELLADONNA, n.In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.4. BORE, n.A person who talks when you wish him to listen.5. BRIDE, n.A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.6. DIPLOMACY, n.The patriotic art of lying for one's country.7. FEMALE, n.One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.8. GHOST, n.The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.9. GRAVE, n.A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.10. GUILLOTINE, n.A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug
BIRTH CONTROL! 2008-05-03 12:12:00 Some women are gathered and the subject of conversationturns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says"We're Catholic so we can't use it."The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythmmethod."The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucermethod.""What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the othersask."Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. Wemake love standing up with him standing on a bucket, andwhen his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from
JELOUSY 2008-05-03 12:06:00 Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband ishaving an affair with his secretary.""I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"
BAD PERSONAL AD! 2008-05-03 12:03:00 A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-linedating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck andhe said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.
The Perfect Husband 2008-05-08 12:10:00 Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune. Someone screams, "Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!"The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello?"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes, I am."WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models for next year. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$60,000"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the o Read more:Perfect
, Husband
The Explanation 2008-05-08 12:09:00 A wife comes home early to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never coming back."He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This had better be good!"He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy & crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you 2 years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought & wore only twice. I gave her some of the leftover roast beef from the fridge that has
ecellent parking lot! 2008-05-09 12:19:00 A man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The man produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's under
Man Rules 2008-05-09 12:15:00 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.(c) After wrecking your boss's car.(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.7: No man shall ever be required to Read more:Rules
Where Did We Come From? 2008-05-12 11:57:00 A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race begin?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind began with His creation.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned
Getting Married 2008-05-12 11:55:00 Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.Boy : It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.Girl : Well that is because we aren’t married yet. Read more:Getting Married
Men and Women 2008-05-12 11:53:00 - A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.- A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.- To be happy with a man, you must Read more:Women
Vampire Attack 2008-05-12 11:46:00 Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve bitten by a vampire.Doctor: Drink this glass of water.Patient: Will it make me better?Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.” Read more:Vampire
You Know You're A Mom When... 2008-05-12 11:43:00 * You count the number of sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal. * You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry. * You have time to shave only one leg at a time. * You hide in the bathroom to be alone. * Your child throws up and you catch it.
A Parental Nightmare... 2008-05-12 11:32:00 A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow th Read more:Parental
, Nightmare
Birthday Message 2008-05-13 11:33:00 A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday
by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.Well he thinks for a while and says, "Put 'You're not getting older,' at the top and 'You're getting better' at the bottom."The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated Read more:Message
the buyer! 2008-05-14 11:34:00 A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the storelaughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there'sno law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, andonce again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest ofthe pharmacist. What's so
Mathematical Miracles... 2008-06-02 12:23:00 Little Sameer who was a Hindu, was failing in math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, but nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School. "Those nuns are tough" they said. Sameer was soon enrolled at St Mary's. After school on Read more:Mathematical
COMPANY NAMES! 2008-06-09 12:22:00 1. NIIT: Not Interested in IT2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output3. HCL: Hidden Costs & Losses4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions5. INFOSYS : Inferior Offline Systems6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines9. SATYAM: Sad and Tired Yelling Away Madly10. PARAM: Puzzled and Ridiculous A
Comforting 2008-06-24 11:30:00 A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
Library Complaint 2008-06-24 11:30:00 Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book." Read more:Complaint
, Library
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