Owner: I'm going to Hell URL:http://imgoing2hell.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Tue, 27 Feb 2007 03:51:24 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Lists of Top 5s, created from what I see every day. some of this'll be funny, some of it won't, but I probably don't mean any of it. Site statistics:Click here
Ninja Characteristics 2007-12-10 10:27:00 Another year has snuck past me almost unnoticed and Day of the Ninja
has once again past. As usual I'm a little slow on the uptake so my post about it is a day few days late. Or I'm so ninja I posted this yesterday on Friday and no one noticed... See it's so good you don't even notice the alterations I've made!Anyway, for those of you wishing to become ninjas, below I've listed the Top 5 characteristics a ninja requires:1. Black clothes2. Silence3. Skills in all types of combat4. Stealth5. Being 'Ninja'I know what your thinking. Silence and stealth? Surely they're the same thing? And that's why you'll never be a ninja. Silence is simply the absence of noise, but stealth is the ability to make yourself invisible. To truly become a part of the wall your clinging to; to strike from the shadows without being seen; to melt into the wind to make your escape.The most important point is to be 'ninja'. This is very hard to explain. There are certain personalities who just can't be
Films I Watched Too Much As A Teenager 2008-03-10 12:20:35 At boarding school I was the kid with the films. At the time hardly anyone had games consoles, I managed to get a PlayStation a bit late in the game. Quite a few people had N64s which we used to 'borrow' to play 4 player MarioKart or GoldenEye. However my main claim was my TV, then my TV/VCR combo. I used to live in Cyprus, where there was no such thing as copyright and I could get pirated videos of the latest blockbuster by walking to the NAAFI (the UK version of a US PX).One of the weirdest examples I have of this is a young friend asking if I wanted to watch this new film his Dad had bought, it's called 'Jurassic Park' or something. I thought it was pretty good, but the guy on screen who's head was in the way was a little annoying. Afterwards I went home and walked in as the news was re Read more:Films
, Teenager
Types of Underwear 2008-02-14 04:23:19 Happy Valentines Day! Yeah! Can anyone tell me what St Valentine did? No you can't! Because no one knows. And I don't just mean a general no one, I mean literally no one knows. However I'm pretty sure whatever they were martyred for does not include giving out flowers, cards and chocolate.As I don't really like Valentine's Day I won't be talking much about it. I will however be getting the Wench something, or else I'm in trouble, not that she ever gets in trouble for not getting me anything, but I'm wondering off the point. The topic today will instead be about pants, as we call them, or underwear for the Americans in the audience. My Top 5 types of undergarments are:1. Pants (The traditional tighty whiteys, in case you think I mean trousers)2. Boxers3. Thongs4. Lingerie5. NoneI gave up we Read more:Underwear
'Mature' Activities 2008-02-12 08:29:08 I recently read this article. In it the female author complains how men aren't growing up like they used to, how they're underachieving. Men should be less adolescent and do more mature activities, instead of playing Halo 3 with your buddies you should be 'packing leisure hours' with the following grown up pursuits:1. Shopping2. Traveling3. Dining with friends4. Getting your hair done5. Having sleepoversOf course these pastimes seem like infinitely more mature activities than 'playing basketball with your buddies, downloading music, playing on your xbox360, then going out to bars and parties', after all it's not like I haven't been doing her list of activities since I was 7 myself. Well except for the sleepovers, but I did use to have house mates. The list she's deriding is pretty much the
Problems with the Flying Car 2008-01-17 10:38:58 Have you ever wished for a flying car? I know I have. But just give it a bit of thought, how great would flying cars really be? There would have to be so much associated technology developed along with it to even make it feasible as a mode of transport. Not to mention the fact that you'd have to find a method of propulsion smaller and safer than blades of metal spinning around at head height.Here's five problems with the idea I came up with off the top of my head:1. Fuel expense2. Lack of suitable parking3. Mid-air collisions4. Driving tests would be impossible5. Car trouble could be fatalI think the first problem to overcome is cost. The cost of fuel (nuclear or otherwise), the cost of insurance (crash protection, unscheduled landing cover), the cost of learning to fly, the cost of rentin Read more:Flying
Comebacks 2008-01-14 10:14:34 Everyone needs a little box of comebacks, for those times when people just hurl abuse at you, like at breakfast. At times like that your sanity relies on you being able to whip out an appropriate put down which will silence your assailant. This is especially important when your a kid. I went to a boarding school and bullying was so common it was just a way of life. Everyone was a bully, including me, it just depended how good you were at it.The bullying wasn't as important as your counter, or as we referred to it 'banter'. You had to have a comeback ready, and if you weren't quick enough to come up with one to suit the occasion, you used one of the many standard retorts:1. So's your face.2. I am rubber, you are glue.3. That's what your (girlfriend/Dad/Mum/Sister/Dog) said.4. A 'Your Momma'
Reasons to be Happy 2008-01-10 11:09:34 Happy New Year! I know it's late, as always. I've not had the greatest start to the year, probably better than last year, but still not great. After the God of Hangovers finally decided to move on from the party he and his insane, screeching hyena entourage were having inside my skull on the 2nd of January, I was granted a day of reprieve until I fell ill on the 4th. After a miserable weekend spent on the couch curled up with the Wench and a duvet I got back to work on the Monday.So I've been catching up with stuff since then. Cleaning up, doing work, blah blah, the usual grind. Every so often I need to remind myself of a few things:1. 2007 is over2. I have a new car3. I'm not ill any more4. 2008 can finally get going5. I'm getting married this year!We actually bought our car last year, fi Read more:Happy
, Reasons
Ninja Characteristics 2007-12-10 10:32:21 Another year has snuck past me almost unnoticed and Day of the Ninja
has once again past. As usual I'm a little slow on the uptake so my post about it is a day few days late. Or I'm so ninja I posted this yesterday on Friday and no one noticed... See it's so good you don't even notice the alterations I've made!Anyway, for those of you wishing to become ninjas, below I've listed the Top 5 characteristics a ninja requires:1. Black clothes2. Silence3. Skills in all types of combat4. Stealth5. Being 'Ninja'I know what your thinking. Silence and stealth? Surely they're the same thing? And that's why you'll never be a ninja. Silence is simply the absence of noise, but stealth is the ability to make yourself invisible. To truly become a part of the wall your clinging to; to strike from the shadow
Ways To Rape My Childhood 2007-12-05 11:31:03 Nostalgia is a funny thing. While I revel in stuff from my past and relive great experiences there's always the times when you realise just how crap everything used to be. For example there's a lot of computer games I've tried again which are just rubbish, films that are totally unwatchable, food I'd rather use to waterproof my attic than eat again. There's also Thundercats the Movie.Nostalgia is probably a billion dollar pound industry now. The reason for this is the liberties people take with your most treasured childhood memories. Here's a few examples:1. The Wicker Man2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory3. Rollerball4. The Italian Job5. The Star Wars PrequelsIt's true that I've only listed films, but this is mostly what I come across nowadays. I could just as easily have listed song co Read more:Childhood
Chat Up Lines Gone Wrong 2007-11-15 09:28:36 It's been quite a while since I've had to try and pull a girl. I've been with the Wench for so long it seems like forever (Eight years, I didn't forget, it was a joke! Not the face!), so I've not had much use for chat up lines. Of course before I met the Wench I never had to resort to such vulgar tactics, being the suave lady killer that I am.Below are a few of the worst chat up lines I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. And when I say hearing I don't mean they were tried on me, otherwise I may very well have not been single when the Wench came around. Here they are:1. Fat Penguin? (It breaks the ice!)2. If you were snot I'd pick you first.3. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.4. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in Read more:Lines
, Wrong
Reasons NOT to do NaNoWriMo 2007-11-06 06:03:09 In case no one knows about it yet, I feel the need to point out that it is actually National Novel Writing Month (It should really be International, but whatever). I really should have said this before the month started, so if you wanted to you could join in, but I'm selfish like that, I didn't want you stealing my glory.I've wanted to do this for a few years, so this year, despite not being any more prepared, or with more time than any other year, I took the plunge and signed up at NaNoWriMo
.org. Here's five reasons I shouldn't have done this:1. It's 1,666 words a day, the number of the beast!2. I hardly write in my blog.3. I don't have a plot.4. I'm as easily distracted as a chubber* at a buffet.5. I can't actually write.The basic premise is that you spew out 50,000 words in one month. I Read more:Reasons
Slutty Halloween Costumes 2007-10-30 10:56:05 Halloween is rolling around again and as usual it's time for everyone to decide on what they're going to dress up as. For children this is pretty easy, you just ask your parents. They'll probably put some face paint on you and give you some old clothes, so you look like a zombie midget, or a witch with a pituitary disease. Men have it a little more difficult, they actually have to put some effort into their costumes. Especially if you're headed to a party and are on the look out for a helpless damsel your vampire count can prey on, or trying to find a sexy Velma to complete your Scooby Gang.Of course for the ladies it's simply a matter of making a costume designed around 'Slutty [Insert Occupation Here]'. This may sound like I'm complaining, but far from it. Here's a few of the more popula Read more:Halloween
, Costumes
Most Annoying Celebrity Gossip Magazines 2007-10-26 06:14:17 There's very few thing's I find more frustrating than modern civilization's fascination with 'celebrities'. I don't mind it about people who are actually famous, but who cares about someone whose only claim to fame was that they were on a game show over four years ago. And they didn't even win!The worst thing about this is the magazines I see in newsagents and supermarkets. They obviously sell, otherwise there wouldn't be so many of them. I don't see why people need to know this sort of information about these people, or why there's such a market for this crap. Here's the worst offenders:1. Glamour2. Now3. OK!4. Closer5. HeatI hate these magazines. It's pure shit disguised as journalism. If I want to know about celebrity news I'll just read The Superficial instead. It's not that I care abo Read more:Annoying
, Celebrity
, Gossip
, Magazines
Films I'm Ashamed To Admit I Like 2007-10-12 05:08:39 OK, just to disappoint you I'll clarify that maybe 'ashamed' is too strong a word. I'll admit that I like these films if they come up in conversation. Most of the time I'm met with disbelief, although there was that time I ended up with 6 stitches. To be fair I did call her Mum a whore and curse her family, I wonder how that's working out. I consider these films underrated classics, so I don't mind sticking up for them, especially if the reason the conversation came up is to diss John Woo. No one disses The Woo! Anyway, here's my five films:1. Transformers The Movie (1986) - 42%2. Army of Darkness - 78%3. Hard Target - 32%4. Hulk - 61%5. What Dreams May Come - 56%*Scores courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes*OK, I am kind of ashamed of liking What Dreams May Come, I think I could officially have my Read more:Films
Cross Bred Animals 2007-10-02 10:11:32 I noticed in the news the other day that a strange looking Zorse had been bred in Germany. Now I didn't know about Zorses, but isn't that a cool idea? Cross
breeding different species is definately something that should be looked into a bit more. We already have Wolphins and Ligers (bred for their skills and magic). Here's a few more to think about:1. Giraffe + Camel = Giramel2. Peacock + Eagle = Peagle3. Fox + Skunk = Funk4. Shark + Salmon = Shalmon5. Chimpanzee + Gonorrhea = Paris HiltonImagine some of these creatures! Limited only by your imagination you could be Dr Moreau, but without Val Kilmer's bad acting. The beautiful Peagle, good looking, but a vicious killer, kind of like me. The animal so cool it inspired a musical movement: The Funk. Or the majestic Shalmon, massive and tasty Read more:Animals
RPG Weapon Names 2007-09-20 05:59:34 If you've ever played an RPG you must have noticed the ridiculous names given to pretty much every weapon. A sword can't just be a sword, it must be a Blinding Sword of Justice, or an Ice Sword of Supreme Uberness. My favourite was a Grand Club of the Badger. It adds to the illusion of the world your playing in, but sometimes it's just stupid.Here's a few weapon names I'd like to see:1. The Darth Maul of Untimely Demise2. The MC Hammer of Badness3. The Millennium Falchion of Awesome4. R Kelly's Statutory Rapier5. The Britney Spear of DisappointmentI've had some serious writer's block over the last few weeks. I was on holiday for two weeks, but it's been a whole month since I've posted, to the day. On top of which I actually missed Talk Like A Pirate Day yesterday, now that was disappointin Read more:Weapon
, Names
Zombie Related Media I've Seen 2007-08-20 10:52:20 A lot of people like Zombies. I was going to say everyone, but I don't think that reanimated rotting corpses are everyone's cup of tea. I think the reason I like the Zombie genre is because it kind of crosses over into the post-apocalyptic genre as well, and I love all that Mad Max type stuff.I loved all the George Romero films, Night of the Living Dead (He's coming to get you Barbara!), and even his latest Land of the Dead, which a lot of people slated. I especially like the Resident Evil games, battling through destroyed towns and Zombie infestations, always good to play on a dark night. Other than that I've also recently:1. Read World War Z2. Watched 'Dawn of the Dead' (The new one)3. Read 'The Walking Dead' Comic4. Got excited about 'Left 4 Dead'5. Love 'Shaun of the Dead'I like seeing
Nationalities I've Been Mistaken For 2007-08-17 08:37:13 I've traveled a little in my life, not enough that I'd call myself 'well traveled', but more than the average person. In the course of my travels I've often been mistaken for different nationalities. This is mainly because I'm in that particular country and people just assume I'm from there. It's not that big a deal when the people don't speak the same language as you, as you can't really notice accents unless you speak their language really well, so generally you just shrug, smile and speak louder and slower.So the times I've been mistaken for being a different nationality, people have guessed that I'm:1. American2. Canadian3. German4. Irish5. AustralianThe first two were in random countries, with the locals assuming I was from Canada or the US as I spoke English. The third I was actually
Reasons Why I Hate Big Brother 2007-08-15 04:59:35 I used to be into Big Brother
, not in a big way, and it would always take me some time to get into it. I hated the first few weeks, you watch everyone go in and comment on how annoying they are, and the first night is terrible. Everyone just gets drunk, and you can't hear anyone speaking, it's just noise. Loud drunk people talking over one another, I may as well go down the pub. That's also pretty much what goes on for the first few weeks, everyone is loud, there's too much to follow, as there's too many people.Once the crowd has thinned out a bit and the most annoying have been booted out the house, getting booed mercilessly by the waiting crowd, that's when I'll get into it. But after the first few years, it got even worse. Now I go out of my way not to watch it, for the following reason Read more:Reasons
Reasons The Wench Is Awesome 2007-08-07 10:03:19 I give the Wench a lot of shit on this blog, mostly in my whiny way where I whine and sound all whiny. Then whine. But she's been really good to me recently, and when I say recently I mean since I've known her. Although she has put in real effort in the last few weeks as I've been working late a lot and not exactly jumping with energy when I've gotten home. She picks me up from the station already, but now she's got a smile on her face.Basically I don't think I give her enough praise (not that she gives me any), but I complain a lot as well, as I just demonstrated. Anyway, here's 5 reasons why she's awesome:1. She always talks to anyone.2. She's always up for getting wasted.3. She's watched more of my porn than I have. 4. She's just as lazy as I am, which means she can't bug me about being Read more:Reasons
Reasons I Haven't Been Posting 2007-07-19 05:02:27 I have been sehr, sehr busy at work these last couple of weeks (months?). We've been working on a new web site which is absolutely massive. It's the biggest site our company has ever had to produce and we've had about 3 months to do it. We're pretty much into testing and back end stuff right now, but it's debatable whether or not we're going to hit our August deadline.I was going to say that my post rate is going to increase and hopefully I'll get back to where I was posting a few times a week, but it's doubtful that'll happen for at least another few more weeks. In the meantime this is what's keeping me busy:1. The new site project2. Laziness3. Commuting4. Maintaining all our websites5. Trying to relax while at homeThe most annoying thing at the moment is that combining my commute and my Read more:Reasons
, Haven
, Posting
Reasons I'm Glad To Be Home 2007-06-12 11:24:14 As fun as Download Festival is every year, it's always great to get home. I enjoy camping quite a bit, but at a festival it's not quite the same. You don't have as much room, you don't have ready access to your car (it's a 50 minute walk away), the toilets are always far away and they stink. And if you want a shower you have to wait hours for it.The camping is something to be endured, not enjoyed. No one enjoys camping at a festival. The only good thing about camping is... hang on... I'll think of something... It's doesn't take as long to get into the arena the next day! Ha! I knew I could think of some reason! Now for 5 reasons why I'm glad to be home:1. My living quarters are no longer a tent2. There is a supermarket just down the road3. I don't have to walk everywhere4. I can have a sho Read more:Reasons
Bands At The Download Festival 2007 2007-06-06 10:15:30 I'm off to the DownloadFestival
again this year. I'm leaving in about 30mins actually. The Wench's brother (let's call him Bitch for now) is already there, with his tent set up and waiting for us. This year Bitch supplied the tent, a £100 10-man mansion, for just 4 people: Me, the Wench, Bitch and his band mate Spider (not his real name, but he is a drummer).I'm currently waiting to leave, I've got half an hour. the last 3 days have been the slowest of my life! I've been looking forward to the music I've got to listen to, alcohol to drink, fields to pass out in and all the rest. Here's who I'm looking forward to seeing:1. Wolfmother2. Korn3. Iron Maiden4. Marilyn Manson5. Linkin ParkOf course they're not the only bands there I'll see. I'll also watch Mastodon, Megadeth, Slayer, Lamb of G Read more:Bands
Stupid Long Words 2007-06-01 06:13:48 I hate government or military speak. It's the kind of talking where the speaker could say what they wanted to much simpler, but decides to throw in a bunch of big and possibly made up words. This makes the speaker feel big and clever, and the ordinary person listening think he's a giant cock. Generally I see people who use words like this as condescending fucktards.I don't do this that much as I often run out of big fancy words and end up repeating myself, saying the wrong word or just making up my own words, like George Bush (but on a good day, with a slow autocue that's spelt phonetically). A few examples of words like these are below:1. Irregardless2. Pejorative3. Obfuscate4. Egregious5. BehoovesI am aware that irregardless isn't actually a word, but it is used rather a lot considering. Read more:Stupid
, Words
Things I learned about Spain 2007-05-30 06:14:38 It's been about 3 weeks since I last posted. I do have an excuse for a large part of that time, as I was away on holiday in Spain
, visiting some of the Wench's family (she's not Spanish, they just live there). Since returning we've had a bank holiday in the UK, so that's even more time off. In fact I've only worked a few days in 3 weeks, and been pretty busy while at work.Anyway, I'm back now (for a few days at least) and ready to tell you the truth about Spain. I'd gathered that the Spanish are fairly lazy, what with their siestas and the building site that is their country. There's also a lot that I'd been told that had misled me about Spain, but on the other hand some of what I'd been told was totally correct:1. It's not as cheap as I previously assumed.2. Young Spaniards have a death w
Reasons To Hate David Caruso 2007-05-08 11:31:59 Oh, DavidCaruso
, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. It's been a long relationship, for many seasons of CSI:Miami I didn't realise what you were doing. It didn't occur to me to actually pay attention to you. I was blinded by the greatness of the Vegas series, and eventually the New York incarnation.I can remember the exact moment it happened. It was like a switch being flicked in my head. I thought to myself: "You're SHIT!!". The next thing I know I recognised every cheesy line, every time you moved your glasses, your hero complex, and finally the fact that you're ONLY A CSI. You're not in SWAT, you shouldn't clear a house on your own, or lead in a team of heavily armed and armoured policemen into a criminal's home. You should be sitting outside, with the other CSIs, waiting for th Read more:Reasons
Reasons Britain Is Great 2008-03-20 06:51:15 It seems a little strange to me that a country as small as ours would feel good enough about itself to put 'Great
' in front of it's name. It makes me wonder who we're trying to convince, the rest of the world, or ourselves. I always hear people complaining about living here, but if you think about it a bit, it's actually an awesome place to live!Here's five reasons why this little Britain
really is Great:1. We used to have the largest empire in history, spanning a quarter of the world.2. Music3. Free health care on the NHS4. Drinking at 185. Sex at 16Sure we always bang on about what we used to own, but the point is when this country was a little younger we really were an over-achieving bunch. We make up for that now by continually losing to the rest of the world at sports we invented.We s Read more:Reasons
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