Owner: Anonymous Midwest Girl URL:http://www.anonymousmidwestgirl.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2007 15:08:37 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The life and times of a nameless, 20-something girl living in the midwest who enjoys x-treme crosswording, competitive reading, and naked skydiving.
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Yeah, I Know. He Couldn't Possibly Get Any Cuter Unless Flowers Were Growing Out His Butt. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Here's Riley trying to slaughter a pig for our dinner later that night. Good boy. We love pork! * I promise this won't turn into a "dog blog." Unless he does something extraordinary, I'll try to keep my adoring puppy posts to a minimum.** Does looking impossibly cute count as extraordinary?** Okay, one more quick story. You know your life has changed when you unflinchingly pull a dead decaying rabbit foot, complete with bones sticking out of it, from your dog's mouth. Now that's love. Read more:Cuter
, Flowers
, Growing
Fun at Walgreens. Of Course, When is Walgreen's NOT Fun? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 In the checkout line at Walgreen
s.htm">Walgreens
:NAK: You know what would be fun? Taking this [pointing at Ex-lax, a stool softener] and this [pointing at Fibercon, a stool hardner] at the same time and see which one wins.Me: You should totally do that. With photographic documentation. It could be a photo finish!NAK: We should make Ex-lax/Fibercon cookies for the next food day and watch the hilarity ensue.Me: Or not ensue, depending on which one wins.NAK: Department outing to the bathroom! It'd be a team-building exercise!Me: They keep saying they want us to get to know each other better. What could be more personal than a poop-off?
Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Broken Eardrum. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 What, you hate me for not posting? It's okay, I hate me too. And wow, do I have stories to tell, like about the time when Riley (my dog) swallowed a three foot long string and I had to make him vomit it up so it wouldn't tangle up his intestines and kill him and he was barfing everywhere and it was so gross I almost puked too, but it worked in the end and yes, I just used three different words to describe the act of forcing your stomach contents to exit through your mouth. Yay for visuals!In that spirit, let me wish you all a very merry Christmas
. And all that jazz. And the thing about the little gift I'm giving you below (courtesy of The Sneeze) is that you have to let it play all the way through. Promise me you will. (or download an mp3 version.) ** Now available with 100% more zombies! Read more:Merry
, Broken
, Merry Christmas
Most Poetic Spam Email Ever? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 (It helps to imagine this being read aloud in a darkened hipster coffeehouse, a la Charlie McKenzie...."Woman! Woe-man! Whooooa-man! She was a thief, you gotta believe, she stole my heart and my cat!")To: XXXXXXX@yahoo.comFrom: xghlysas@sbcglobal123.comSubject: Must read! Important!A vacuum cleaner brainwashes a stovepipe near a particle accelerator, because the insurance agent is a big fan of the vacuum cleaner beyond a vacuum cleaner. An anomaly brainwashes a feline nation. A Eurasian avocado pit satiates the diskette of the line dancer. Furthermore, a cargo bay inside a grand piano feels nagging remorse, and a turkey around a bottle of beer operates a small fruit stand with an umbrella for a globule. When you see a cosmopolitan cowboy, it means that the diskette earns frequent flier miles.A Eurasian avocado pit satiates the diskette of the line dancer? A cargo bay inside a grand piano feels nagging remorse? Poetry in motion, my friends. This is no less than the work of the T.S. El Read more:Poetic
, Email
, Spam Email
Two Eyes, Four Eyes, Six Eyes, a Dollar! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 So I've kind of put myself in a self-imposed exile this week (did I really need to specify that it was "self-imposed" since I clearly said I put myself in it? Hence it was obviously self-imposed? Probably not, but that's just me, good ole' redundant AMG). Why? Not because of any contagious sickness or hideous deformity or because I'm taking time to find myself, but because I have to wear my glasses all week since I'm getting my eyes mapped in preparation for either Lasik or ICL. Which sucks when there is a perfectly good pair of contact lenses sitting on my sink.At least it sucks for me, because wearing my glasses immediately takes me back to the time between sixth grade and ninth grade when I cried myself to sleep almost every night. To the time when I had giant purple plastic glasses with inch-thick frames, the biggest overbite this side of modern dentistry complete with snaggletooth, a short haircut that could possibly be considered "in" now by some emo boy but looked awful on Read more:Dollar
Things That Didn't Come Out Quite as Intended Part 1 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Me: Scott! Do you want to come over tonight? AMBF is out of town so I need your massive manhood to protect me from all the candy-grubbing little trick or treaters who get mad when I don't give them candy for their little sister who is at home sick!Scott: (silence)Me: Hello?Scott: You need my what?Me: Your massi.....um, er. That's not what I meant!Scott: Because if that's what you want, I'm on my way over now.
Life Could Only Get Better If I Woke Up This Morning and Looked Like Adriana Lima. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm pretty sure yesterday was the best day ever. Because I got a new laptop! It's so purdy! And fast! And even though it's only 12.1", it feels huge to me because my old one (AKA SlowCrackedBrokeAss) was only 11". That extra inch can make all the difference in the world, ifyouknowwhati'msayin'. And what I'm saying is, I don't need my glasses with the new one. But as awesome as the new laptop was, what really made the day great was the ten pounds of meat I received. I love meat. I love especially 10 filet mignons, 20 gourmet burgers, and an assortment of steak skewers, pork chops, sirloins, chicken breasts, and other dead animal body parts I can't even name. And not just did I get a literal ton of meat, I got a literal ton of meat from the best meat store in the whole world, the super duper famous Omaha Steaks. Ah, meat. Meat meat meat. I will so be grilling my ass off in the coming weeks. And you all (the one person who is left reading this) are welcome to come over for some fa Read more:Morning
She Went Ahead and Married Him Despite the Scratches on His Back from the Stripper. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 So the wedding of the groom from the previous post's bachelor party got married on Saturday. The day after the party, she came to our house with a basket full of cookies - chocolate chip, even! - as a thanks for hosting the party. Apparently, he came home with a bloody shirt, gouges on his back, and no boxers. And she brought cookies to thank us for that. Now THAT'S a keeper!The wedding was very nice and the bride looked gorgeous and the groom was handsome and the wedding video showed the customary cute baby pictures and awkward teen moments. The beer and wine flowed freely and all was going well.Until...The bouquet toss.Understand that this is one of the first guys from AMBF's circle of friends to fall from bachelorhood. So we're essentially a bunch of singletons in marriage terms, although a few of the couples have been dating for even longer than AMBF and I have been. The rest of the wedding attendees were old relatives that were already married. So there were maybe eight of us Read more:Scratches
, Stripper
No, I Wasn't Dead. I Was Just in Canada. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Which is maybe close to the same thing. Except, I really loved Toronto. So now I feel bad for all the Canada
bashing, eh?Toronto is cool like this.Which is a trio of guys walking down the street wearing old school Vans, old school Adidas, some kind of cool velcro-instead-of-laces shoe (which you can't really see well, but they are the red and white ones in the front), cuffed jeans, skinny jeans, and a bracelet. So to recap, we have a) a trio of guys, b) walking, c) in three pairs of cool shoes, d) wearing two instances of cool jeans, and e) a bracelet. That's too much coolness for me to handle and I nearly died there on the sidewalk. Toronto is also cool like this and this and this.Other things I liked about Toronto: all the bikers (as in cyclists, not motors), all the dogs, all the little boutique shops. The kind of hippy dippy liberal vibe. Lots of yummy little restaurants. Going to see Second City. The Asian guys with Canadian accents. The Hard Rock Cafe overlooking the Skydome. H
Why I Love My Dog 1970-01-01 00:59:59 He does shit like this to crack me up...(Not to mention his excellent choice in cereals...)
MC Pee Pants, Anyone? Sir Loin? Little Brittle? Hesh Hipplewhite? Anyone? Anyone? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Sunday night I saw what was indubitably the greatest concert in the history of the world. Original Woodstock? Like a five year old's first piano concert compared to this.Who was this sultan of smack, this lyrical lyricist, this musical mystic?It was MC Chris, bitches. MC Chris of Aqua Teen Hunger Force and MC Pee Pants
fame. Holla!He's like a little 3/4 scale person.My autographed CD. Note the heart. I think he wants to marry me.Here are two videos from the show. The first is a video of him preforming one of his songs. The second is a segue he did between songs. Terrible video, but funny, funny stuff.MC Chris Video 1MC Chris Video 2 Read more:Anyone
Can You Spell Bitter? B-I-T-T-E-R. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Perhaps the funniest videos I've seen today. The night is still young, so I'm leaving open the possibility that something funnier will come along open, but I doubt it. Read more:Bitter
In Which AMG Goes Blind and is Thankfully Relieved of Her Blogging Duties (Which She's Pretty Much Already Relieved Herself Of Anyway) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Although my blogging the last six or so months has been sporadic (speaking of sporadic, did anyone else watch "Clueless" yesterday?) at best, it doesn't mean that I haven't been composing posts. Wonderful, intelligent, and witty posts. Unfortunately all this composing has taken place in my head, and when I sit at a computer my thoughts don't translate well into words. Actually I can't say that for sure because generally when I sit at a computer I read everyone else's blogs and surf gossip sites and update my Photobucket account and see if anyone new has left me a comment on my MySpace page, and don't do so much with the opening of Blogger and writing my own posts.Things I've considered writing about but haven't include:-Monster truck rallies, my attendance of*-Turtles, my acquierence** of-Friends, the discovery of a long lost one-Girl crushes, the re-emergence of an old one-New Year's, celebrations involving-New Year's resolutions, my lack of-Dogs, how mine is preparing me fo Read more:Blind
, Blogging
, Pretty
, Anyway
In Which AMG Is Placed on the "No-Fly" List. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Do you want the terrorists to win*? DO YOU, PUNK? Because I do.****I am fairly sure I got this score because of the way I answered "Did you start calling French fries 'freedom fries?". Which was "No, that's retarded."My bad.Obviously I hate America. * Is this a joke?****I really hope this is a joke.******I saw this quiz when perusing stories about the Amanda Marcotte/John Edwards campaign debacle. One of the people who had commented on the story linked to his blog, where he proudly displayed his patriotic score of 0%: ****PLEASE BE AWARE THAT AMG IN NO WAY ACTUALLY WANTS THE TERRORISTS TO WIN. NOR DID SHE CELEBRATE WHEN 9/11 OCCURRED. IN FACT, SHE CRIED HARD AND CRIED OFTEN ON THAT DAY. SHE STAUNCHLY SUPPORTS OUR TROOPS, THOUGH SHE DOES NOT SUPPORT THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION. SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE SHE IS A LOST CAUSE, NOR DOES SHE BELIEVE THAT "FREE THOUGHT" AND "BRAINWASHED" CAN LOGICALLY BE USED IN THE SAME SENTENCE. Read more:Placed
In Other News, I am the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Shit on a stick. Shit crackers.Gah.A few days ago, it was slick out, and I slid into the person in front of me at a stop light. We got out, appraised the damage, and mutually decided that there wasn't much, if anything. The bumper of his car had a small white scrape across the back of it, and it looked like snow and salt from my car had transferred to his - I rubbed it a little, and it seemed to be coming off nicely. No cracks, no dents, no bumpers falling off. We exchanged contact information "just in case" (and I quote him there). A few days pass, and it completely falls from my mind since minor accidents like that are super common in slick weather, and I hadn't heard from him, and besides, we both agreed that it didn't look like there was any damage.Except then today he called* and he wants $515 for a new bumper**. Do I just want to pay it or would I like him to go through my insurance? Would I like to pay him an arm or a leg? Would I like him to fuck me u Read more:Father
Excuse Me, But Your Bush is Showing. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 In response to my anti-American, pro-terrorist post below, I received an email from someone who was truly shocked that I dared not support AMERICA, but rather those asswipe French traitors, by continuing to use the phrase "French Fries":(This is verbatim)"you should be sent to cuba with all the other terrorists. If you don't support Bush you don't support AMERICA. How can you even keep using the word french on AMERICAN soil that our people spilled blood on? The french are all traiters. Our four fathers fought for your freedom with their lifes and you are just dissmissing it. You discust me and all true AMERICANS everywhere. AMERICA is the greatest most free country in the world and you are lucky to live here. You might as well have bombed us yourself if you don't want to support AMERICA."Sir, you have convinced me to turn my back on my liberal, free-thinking, brainwashed ways. You have shown me the light. You have shown me an incredible ignorance of spelling, grammar, and pu Read more:Excuse
Ladies, All I'm Saying Is He Knows How to Use His Fingers. IfyouknowwhatImean. And I Think You Do. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Ever know a guy for years, only to one day discover hidden talents that you had no idea existed?Well, I had NO idea that Scott was a guitar god. A GUITAR HERO* GOD. Seriously, in the first ten minutes of playing, he was getting five stars and 100,000 points on medium level regularly**. Watching him breeze through riffs that had taken me weeks to master made me lose all will to ever play the game again, specifically in front of anyone with ears. Deaf people would be okay, maybe. Deaf and blind people for sure. And maybe infants and rabbits. But don't worry, that won't stop me from playing - even JAMMING - in private. If all my fingers were sliced off in a freak typing*** accident, I would still play with my toes. Actually, with my clumsy fingers and distinct inability to reach the fifth button, I might be better off playing with my toes.The dude sat down and beat the game on medium level in one straight shot before he got up again. In less than two hours (after messing around in Quick Read more:Fingers
Funny, I Thought the Celebrity Diet Would Consist of Cocaine and Diet Pills. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Me: Hey! Look! It's your LAST CHANCE to buy the Original Celebrity
Juice Diet! If you pass this up it will be GONE FOREVER.NAK: But there's always the Celebrity Juice Diet.Me: Or the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet. And if you're really pressed for time, you could try the 24-hour version.NAK: I wonder if they work. Never mind, they say "As-Seen-on-TV" so they must work.Me: Excellent point. The TV never lies to you. It's a well-documented fact.NAK: I wonder what they taste like.Me: I imagine they taste like sweaty goat balls. Sweaty goat balls that were left in the sun for weeks. Sweaty goat balls that were left in the sun for weeks to marinate in warthog urine. STALE warthog urine.NAK: I don't know, I kind of want to try it.Me: Oh, please don't. I know where this is going and I don't like it.NAK: Let's try it.Me: Let's not.NAK: I bet you ten bucks you couldn't last the full two days.Me: [Crumbling because I am a sucker for stupid bets] Fine. But you have to do it to Read more:Funny
, Cocaine
, Celebrity Diet
, Diet Pills
Mortifying Family Moments, Number 203 1970-01-01 00:59:59 (After AMBF* helped me carry something up the stairs at his mom's house.)Me: Thanks, babe!His mom: That was sweet...but why does she get help and not me?His little sister: Duh, mom. He's sleeping with her!Me: [..............]His mom: [..............]His little sister: Well, he is!*That would be "Anonymous Midwest Boyfriend" for any newbies. Read more:Family
, Moments
, Number
I Don't Remember Learning This in Catholic School... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 (Credit: Jessica Hagy*)* View my other favorites here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, or really you should just go read her entire archives already because if I keep this up the list will be eight miles long.** Okay, just a few more here, here, here, here, and here. ***And here. Read more:Remember
, Learning
, Catholic
, School
You know what's fun? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My new Nintendo Wii.*Let me say, it is just as much fun as those commercials lead you to believe. In fact, I think it may be the most fun you can possibly have with your clothes on.Of course, I have not yet tried naked Wii-ing, so it very well may prove to be the most fun you can have WITHOUT your clothes as well. Although I wouldn't recommend it for males. Your little bits would be swinging around and flailing about and I have a feeling you'd only end up hurt.*For you hardcore gamers saying to yourself, "Tsk, tsk. A Wii? You realize they completely sacrificed graphic quality in order to bring you that little Nunchuck, right? And it doesn't even play Blu-ray?" Yes, we also have a PS3. And I have a PSP. But with the new Wii and my Nintendo DS, which I carry with me at all times and play a ridiculous amount, I am a Nintendo girl at heart.** Oh, yeah, and my eye surgery went great. I'll post more about that soon. Maybe. And also maybe about being possibly blacklisted by local dog w
Not To Mention I Always Wanted Her Hair.... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I recently re-discovered an old favorite movie, a staple throughout my childhood, in the form of a two-disc special edition DVD.But something disturbed me this time around. Ariel got married at 16?*No wonder I feel like an old maid at the ripe old age of 26, Disney.And how old was Eric, anyway? I'm not sure what the statutory rape laws are under the sea, but he had to be cutting it pretty close.*Where was the moral uproar and public outrage? Were there no protests and boycotts over the fact that Disney was condoning underage wedlock? Do we have lesser standards for our mermaid sisters than we do our own two-legged daughters?**For the record, and perhaps some public embarrassment, the combination of this movie and the movie Splash had me utterly convinced for quite a while that I was, without a doubt, a mermaid. I poured salt in my bathtub a la Madison, and when that didn't work to give me fins I reasoned that DUH, it was just a movie where that worked and obviously you had to be in t
A Valentine's Day Classic, Revisited 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Field Guide to Valentine
's DayAlso...worst Valentine's Day card ever? You probably should not even click on that link, because if you view it and even snicker a little, you will immediately be swallowed up by the flames of hell. I already can feel the fire lapping at my feet for just posting it, it's that wrong. The person who sent it to me? Satan himself came and took them away. I can't even imagine the fate that befell the person who originally drew it. Read more:Classic
, Revisited
Yes, I am HARD CORE. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Once upon a time, I went to jail.And I readily - even proudly - admit to it. It's especially amusing when someone starts boasting about being in jail and how the food wasn't so bad, and I can casually respond, "I don't know, I think the food sucked!" And when they don't believe me, I whip off my shirt and show them my prison tattoos as proof.It was a balmy summer afternoon in 2003, and I was on my lunch break from work when I got pulled over for having expired tags. Tags which had expired...THAT MORNING. Thankfully, the officer told me she would let me off with a fix-it ticket, just as soon as she ran my plates to make sure I didn't have any outstanding warrants. We both chuckled heartily because me? Outstanding warrants? I would imagine someone with outstanding warrants leads a far more interesting life than I do.However, she came back to my car a few minutes later with a grim expression and told me that she was going to have to take me to jail, on account of...an outstanding war Read more:HARD CORE
Sweetness in Typography 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A short, fun little film for fans of any or all of the following: Pulp Fiction, fonts, the word motherfucker. (Click on the image to view film.)**NOTE: If the image link doesn't work for you, try clicking here. If that doesn't work, then you must not have the super special secret version of Quicktime you need to watch it. If you're at work it might not work either - my work blocks video. Not that I'm AT work trying to watch it. Because, you know, that would be a waste of my company's money. And so very wrong. Ahem.You can also go here for a lower-quality version. Read more:Sweetness
, Typography
Whatever, I'll be in Austin in Eight Days Anyway. 2007-03-01 23:33:00 Hey, Phil.What the fuck happened to the early spring?See how the snow is up to our neighbor's knees? See the snow covering the front door? That's messed up. Someone out there really pissed off God today, and I'M LOOKING AT YOU. Read more:Austin
, Eight
, Anyway
I Fully Expect the Paparazzi to Show Up Any Minute. 2007-03-06 00:59:00 9:30 AM: Receive the following email from my co-conspirator in the Celebrity Juice Diet Challenge, NAK: "Hey, AMG. No go on the bet today. Mrs. NAK and I are meeting her parents for dinner tomorrow. Next week?" Unfortunately, actually COMPLETELY fortunately, I can't do it next week because I'll be at South by Southwest. Awesome. There's a sweet spaghetti/sub place serving lunch today that I didn't want to miss anyway.12:00 PM: Mmmmm spaghetti.1:30 PM: Receive following email from NAK: "You should do it today and tomorrow, I'll do it Wednesday and Thursday, and we can compare notes. Also, that way I can see if it kills you first."1:31 PM: Send following email to NAK: "Negative. I already ate lunch."1:32 PM: Receive following email from NAK: "Just start it now and end it Wednesday afternoon. Or are you pussing out on me?"1:35 PM: How did he know I was planning on pussing out? I grudgingly pull the bottle from the fridge and crack it open.1:36 PM: It totally smells like ass.1:37 PM: Read more:Expect
, Minute
Too Bad, That Ten Bucks Could Have Bought Me a Beer. 2007-03-06 22:39:00 Yeah, that bet? SO NOT WORTH IT. Around 11 last night when I was finishing up my last serving, I started to feel really sick. I had a headache and was completely nauseated. As in, I actually went and sat by the toilet for a little bit just in case. Although, now that I think about it, wouldn't that be what a TRUE Celebrity diet is all about? Throwing up? Throwing up and cigarettes?Needless to say, I had some toast to help calm my stomach, which was busy punching itself to punish me for this stupid idea. The toast made me lose ten bucks, but let me keep my dignity. Or something.In other news, news that does not involve bodily fluids being expelled through orifices for which they were not intended, I'm going to South by Southwest Film Festival in Austin in - count 'em - TWO DAYS! We leave Thursday morning. "We" being myself, AMBF, Dub, Magnum, and "Needs to get himself a more interesting nickname" Scott. Expect more pictures of my face exploding, lots of Sixth Street drinking stories,
There's Not a Lot of Time to Blog When You're Watching Six Movies a Day 2007-03-16 17:48:00 Blah, blah, blah, movies, blah, blah, blah, concerts , blah, blah, blah, B-list celebrities, blah, blah, blah, drinking, blah, blah, blah, FRIED PICKLES. Yes, that's right. FRIED PICKLES. With ranch sauce. How have I lived 26 years on this earth and never enjoyed a fried pickle before??? I even vaguely remember seeing them on menus before and thinking how disgusting they sounded. How wrong I was. How very wrong I was.Recap coming next week-ish when I get back.Okay...just to whet your appetites...one picture from the trip.Have you ever been driving down the road thinking, "God, a tamale would really hit the spot right now. And you know what else I could use? A little Cum Sucking Teen Vamps. I haven't seen that movie in forever."Don't worry. There's a place that caters to your unique needs: Read more:Watching
Omaha, This 40-Degree Weather Isn't Doing A Lot to Win Me Back. 2007-03-20 22:39:00 It's over. Done. Finito. It was actually over two days ago, but until today the pain of such a tragic loss was still to great to blog about it. Even now, looking at these pictures brings a tear to my eye. Oh, SXSW. Oh, Austin. My dear, sweet Austin. Austin, with your warm weather, your amazing people, your fried pickles. It was great while it lasted. I'll be back soon, I promise.Click above picture to be taken to the Flickr album (pictures in reverse chronological order). Head over to Dub's blog for a great round-up of the trip. I might steal her format and make some lists of my own, but no promises. This blog is full of empty post promises, and I don't want to do that to you again. I gave up making empty post promises for Lent. Magnum DI and Scott also both promise to have recaps up at some point, but I wouldn't put too much stock in their words either. Just look at Scott: he promised to write more "this weekend" two weeks ago, and he's got nothing. Read more:Omaha
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