Owner: Tales From My Tiny Kingdom URL:http://www.mytinykingdom.com Join Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2007 12:47:24 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The tooth fairy gets drunk and forgets leave Finn money for his tooth, Drew has burning buttocks and Porter is spying for the government. Another day in Anne Glamore's life in the Tiny Kingdom. Site statistics:Click here
In Which I Multi-Task, Announce Exciting News, And Open The Floor For Questions 2007-02-23 15:49:14 The closer I get to forty, the greater my ability to multi-task. Yesterday between four and ten I colored my hair myself and added highlights, made oatmeal bread, kept up with the Anna Nicole debacle, paid bills, gave each boy individual attention, prepared dinner, washed and dried three loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen and caught the results of American Idol.
It wasn’t always pretty, but sometimes you must sacrifice beauty for efficiency.
An experienced colorist/baker feeds the children and applies the first layer of color while the loaves rise, then rinses and paints on highlights while they bake. A skilled photographer would have made this a more focused picture, but surely you can see the toothpaste-like streaks of white bleach in my hair as well as the unbleached flour dusting the aromatic loaves.
Many of you may be surprised to know that I didn’t intend to be a blogger. In fact, when I wrote my first entry a little over two years ago, my goal was simply to fo Read more:Multi
, Floor
To Moan Or Not To Moan, That Was The Question 2007-02-20 20:20:01
I’m a spa novice, so when Bill booked us for massages this weekend as a Valentine/birthday extravaganza I anticipated a memorable experience. Bill had told me to take full advantage of the facilities– to shower, to take a steam, to soak if there was a jacuzzi.
We checked in well ahead of our appointments and a woman led us down a short hall. She pointed at a candlelit room and said, “When you have changed into your robe, come rest in the Serenity Lounge where your therapist will meet you. You can enjoy our four teas, representing fire, water, earth and air.”
I raised my eyebrows at Bill, who nodded approvingly, and we padded down the hall and parted ways at the locker rooms.
The room had showers, toilets, a steam room and lockers. The counters were lined with immaculate rows of pastel-colored bath products: turquoise body wash, pea green shampoo, lilac conditioner and buttercup lotion. Investigating further, I found styling gel, razors, deodorant, br Read more:Question
No More Squirrels If You Help Me Raise My Self Esteem 2007-02-17 18:39:54 Hey– I want to to be a Top Momma. It would get my mind off the root canal, the broken arm, the fever virus, and so much more.
Click here to vote for me! If it makes you feel better, notice this doesn’t say Best Mama, so you can vote in good conscience.
AG
Read more:Squirrels
I Knew I Was In Alabama 2007-02-15 18:20:54 At Jazzercise many of my fellow exercisers were decked out in red and white in honor of Valentine’s Day. The woman in front of me even wore perky red socks speckled with vibrant multicolored hearts and a red and white polka-dotted ribbon in her hair.
It’s February. Football season ended months ago in other parts of the world. But red and white, coincidentally, are the colors of the University of Alabama
, arch rival of Auburn University. Fanatic supporters couldn’t let the wearing of the enemy’s colors go unchallenged– even in the name of love– and so there were also women resolutely outfitted in Auburn’s orange and blue. I think their kicks were slightly more menacing, too.
That’s one way I knew I was in Alabama.
There were minuscule flakes of snow twirling from the sky. It was cold enough that a few piled on the roof and formed a tiny patch of white. The boys talked excitedly about buying sleds and going ice skating. I was able
Nervous Life With Males 2007-02-12 18:06:35 When you give birth to your third boy and know that you are done having children and will be surrounded by swaggering penises for the foreseeable future, you can make certain general assumptions. Trucks, not tiaras. Blue, not pink. Mud, not icing. Scribble-scrabble, not coloring within the lines. Fart jokes. Booger jokes. Butt jokes. Barf jokes.
As the babies get older, you find out that your bed is primarily a receptacle for boyish pranks. You never get in without cautiously sweeping a hand under the sheets to see what might be under there: a plastic spider, a rubber chicken, a greasy corncob, or a prickly pine cone (this after a showing of The Sound Of Music). A good mother then finishes her nightly toilette, makes sure her nightclothes completely cover her underwear* and slides into bed. After a moment (during which there will be excited whispers from the hall) she must emit a series of piercing screams and spring from the bed, while her boys run to her, shrieking with gle Read more:Nervous
, Males
Where All Our Money Went 2007-02-08 17:38:49 “Freeze Frame” is one of the worst songs ever recorded. It’s obnoxious and generates an earworm that chases you around all day. And so when our instructor played it at Jazzercise earlier this week and my tooth started hurting, I blamed the music.
But the next day I was dreamily gyrating along with Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” and thinking that “to the left to the left, everything you own in the box to the left” would constitute the perfect instructions to Porter to clean his chaotic room, when an exquisite pain shot up my eyetooth and reverberated inside my nostril. I couldn’t blame this on the J. Geils band and I left Jazzercise and headed straight to the dentist.
To underscore the severity of the situation, let me emphasize that I’d rather plop my feet in the stirrups and spread my legs for a gynecologist brandishing a cold speculum than open my mouth for a drill-wielding dentist. I miss Jazzercise only in extreme circumst Read more:Money
Here Comes Forty 2007-02-05 15:20:43 I inherited my mom’s shapely legs. Every year I won the award for “Best Looking Legs” at the high school dance team’s gala. On its face that’s a superficial award. However, for a teenager who had spent the previous years wearing a variety of back braces and still required spine surgery for scoliosis, it was thrilling to recognize that there was something attractive about my scarred body.
When I was pregnant, I acquired another of my mom’s traits, but this one wasn’t so alluring. Purplish spider veins popped out on my legs, with a big clump located over my left knee. This area was tender to touch and I looked like Bill had been beating me in odd places.
“No worries,” said my ever-cheerful mother. “I have a doctor who can zap those suckers with a little saline and they’ll be gone!”
I resisted at first. Wasn’t I supposed to love my body as it is: big feet, tiny bosoms, fireplug nipples, scar from n
George W. and Porter: BFF! 2007-01-30 02:39:30 Porter and George
Bush have become pen pals. Imagine my dismay when I found out.
You’ll recall that I was worried about Porter’s actions earlier this fall, when I feared he was spying for the government. Now I have proof he’s gone even farther and is writing the President directly. So far the President’s correspondence hasn’t made him appear any smarter than his speeches or actions do.
Porter first wrote W. before Christmas. I was dimly aware of the activity but refused to encourage it. Bill was the one who located the stamp and wrote out the White House address for Porter to copy.
Dear President Bush When is your
Birthday? My Birthday
is August 14 I have a twin too.
Do you go for Auburn or Alabama?
I go for Auburn!
Merry Chistmas!
December, 19 2006
Love, Porter
I’ll say one thing– George wasted no time mailing a reply. In fact, his spies were watching our house so closely that his answer was apparently typed before Porter’s note Read more:Porter
Why I Don't Get More Done 2007-01-26 15:09:49 Today’s Email to all three teachers:
To: Glamore Kids’ Teachers
From: Anne Glamore
Re: Assorted Illnesses and Absences
E:
Please excuse Finn’s absence yesterday. Once again, he was snotty and runny. If I didn’t know his (alleged) stance on kissing, I’d think all the kids were smooching and spreading all their germs around. Have you checked to see whether they’re really going to the bathroom when they ask for a hall pass?
C: Please excuse Drew’s absence today; he broke his elbow yesterday afternoon. He’s going to the orthopedist today. You know how skinny his arms are; it was just a matter of time until this happened.
K: Porter is fine today, but I have no idea whether his homework is done because I had to leave him and Finn at home to rush Drew to the emergency room. He may be dirty for the same reason. He was asleep by the time I got home. He and Drew will finally be getting their braces fixed next week. I’ll have to check the
Virtual Book Club Meeting #7 2007-01-23 04:15:00 It’s been ages since I hosted book club. I apologize. I’ll get right to it, because I’ve read some wonderful books recently. (If you’ve missed the last meeting, click on the “Book Reviews” tag at the top of this post and you can see them all. Don’t neglect the comments; readers always have great suggestions. None of my posts from iVillage days have comments because the comments stayed with iVillage, so if you recommended a book then you may want to re-suggest it here.)
I. BOOK CLUBBY BOOKS
I’ve read three books recently that are very different, but which were each captivating in their own way. Name All the Animals: A Memoir by Alison Smith is a memoir, and it’s a devastating one. The author lost her brother in an accident when she was fifteen and he was eighteen. The accident happens quickly; the story is about her family’s struggles after his death, and her memories of their childhood. Smith’s writing is simple and pure
What To Buy? Don’t Axe Me 2007-02-27 22:30:43 I thought I was an expert mom, maybe one of the savviest in the Kingdom, but this week I failed Pre-Teen Toiletries 101.
Parenting is complicated, but generally when you tackle a topic you know what to focus on. If you’re purchasing a book for a child, you make sure the subject matter is captivating and of the appropriate age level. Drew loves The Magic Tree House books; Porter prefers Geronimo Stilton and books about inventions. When it’s time to buy clothes, you account for each boys’ personal idiosyncrasies. Finn likes layers. Drew disappears in white. Porter wears anything soft.
All boys (or at least those I smell) begin to reek within moments of stepping out of the shower. My job when buying their toiletries, particularly with eleven-year-old Finn, is to identify the products that will maintain his clear complexion, enable his shaggy hair to look cared for, prevent his pits from smelling, and reduce the overall stench that inevitably adheres to him. He
Stormy Inside And Out 2007-03-01 19:46:50 It’s spooky outside. The sky is pale and the air is warm and still, punctuated by sharp blasts of wind. The television blares announcements and warnings. Schools are getting out early in advance of the bad weather bearing down upon us. Conditions are ripe for severe tornadoes like the F5 that hit just west of us one night in April 1998. Thirty-two-people were killed.
I was pregnant with the twins, and Finn was two. Bill herded our dogs into the damp unfinished basement where we huddled uncomfortably. Finn kept slipping off my rounded belly as I sat in a moldy lawn chair. At one point Bill grabbed a golf club and brought it down sharply behind my head. I turned and saw a severed snake, the ends still wiggling.
Tornadoes here take a predictable track, and that one stayed on the ground for a long time. We listened to the radio as it hit the counties southwest of us and continued toward us. I remember the sheriff of one town saying, “In the morning when we can see th
The Boulder On My Shoulder 2007-03-05 18:26:58 I was standing in a lengthy line for the ladies’ room. I had to pee so bad I was crossing my legs and standing on my tip-toes, cursing the extra cup of coffee I’d had. The door to the men’s room opened, and a man walked out. I looked at the pregnant woman behind me.
“I’ll watch the door for you if you want to use the other restroom,” I offered.
She dashed inside.
A pudgy teen ambled up to the men’s restroom. “Someone’s in there,” I volunteered.
He sighed heavily and leaned against the wall. His jeans drooped below his waist and puddled over his shoes. His hair was kinky-curly and obscured most of his face. The Circle Jerks design on his t shirt was so faded I could barely make it out.
The bathroom door opened and the pregnant woman came out. “Thanks,” she said.
“Apparently your big belly interferes with your ability to read,” the teenager sneered, as he rudely pushed passed her.
I was in Read more:Boulder
, Shoulder
Why There’s No Post Today 2007-03-08 15:16:16 Events of yesterday damn near killed me. Thank God for gin and tonic.
Car wouldn’t start, so late for Bible Study.
66% of boys in trouble, ranging from mild to severe.
Sudden growth spurt resulting in dearth of pants that fit; sent boys to school in flood pants.
Upcoming speech. Humongous pimple threatening to reveal itself, spoiling my image as witty,artsy, acne-free blogger at event.
Twinsanity happily playing Science Lab under house. Me so pleased they were being creative although they used copious amounts of baking soda and vinegar and drained my bottle of Tabasco. Later the strong smell of gasoline alerted me to fact they were but a step away from playing with fire and the imminent explosion they were enthusiatically planning was not wishful thinking.
Dog from hell (who, admittedly, has been improving,) pissed on den carpet.
Lectured duo on dangers of gasoline and confirmed that I had given that speech in the past and where the hell did they get gasoline anyway, burned Read more:Today
Writer’s Conference Links 2007-02-26 15:20:58 FROM BLOGGING TO BOOK CONTRACT
1. WHAT IS A BLOG
Tales From My Tiny Kingdom to show elements
Probably the most well-known mommy-blogger (though she wasn’t a mommy when she started)
Dooce
Variety of bloggers
Some mommy and daddy bloggers - though they write about much more
Rice Daddies MetroDad Rockstar Mommy,
Motherhood Uncensored Girl’s Gone Child
2. HOW I STARTED BLOGGING
The article my friend emailed me that started it all.
Typepad hosted his friend’s blog.
Maybe Oprah would be surfing and laugh about “The Naked Baby Kidnapping Caper” and she’d show it to Stedman, and then Gayle, and next thing you know everyone in America would be tuned in.
Important to practice writing and also to read:
Book Reviews Virtual Book Club Meeting # 7
3. HOW TO START A BLOG - Things To Consider
Host
Design - Indigo Girl
Show www.mytinykingdom.com/wp-admin
www.mytinykingdom.com/cpanel
Examples of good design: Waiter Rant A Little Pregnant
Laid Off Dad
Bitch Phd Read more:Writer
Schickel Insults Blogs; Melee Ensues 2007-03-13 03:42:36 The last thing I expected to report from the Writing Today conference was that I was lured into a public SMACKDOWN over the value of blogs and blogging by Richard Schickel, film critic for Time magazine and author of many movie-related books.
Mr. Schickel gave the keynote speech during Friday’s lunch. There was a moment of silence during the invocation before his speech, and I prayed the words I customarily pray before I give a presentation because I was scheduled to talk in the afternoon session. I asked God to guide me in my choice of words, for wisdom and self-restraint, and then I prayed that God provide anything else I needed that I’d forgotten to specifically request. That’s my spiritual-legal catchall phrase I tack on just before the Amen which provides an extra dollop of comfort.
Thus armed with the Holy Spirit, I sat back as Mr. Schickel was introduced.
I was gobbling up both my rice pilaf and his words because I’ve been reading and enjoying his movi Read more:Blogs
Thong Gone Wrong 2007-03-16 16:13:36 My fortieth birthday got lost in all the hoopla about the Writer’s Conference, the stuffed rat squirrel, and my discovery that I’d inadvertently bought Finn sexually suggestive body wash.
It may have been unnoticed here, but it was fabulously acknowledged in real life. Bill threw a party, all my best friends were invited, and I was feted in a lovely manner. Although Bill had specified “no gifts” on the invitation, several people did bring small presents, including our orthodontist, Dr. H. I was happy to see a present from him, as I assume that means he regards me as a source of everlasting revenue, and not an overburdened mother who tries to squeeze too much orthodontia into too little time.
I grew up with his wife and finally persuaded her to come to Jazzercise where we grapevine together several mornings a week, and I suspect she was the brains behind this particular celebratory item.
Aunt Lulu was in town for the party, and the next day we were cooking din Read more:Wrong
Letter From Lisbon 2007-03-20 23:08:09 We’re in Lisbon
, Portugal, and so far I’ve learned a lot of Portuguese, which is a combination of many languages so you can pretty much use all your French, Italian and Spanish and make yourself understood. It has actually been harder to learn to use the European keyboard on the computer here and this is the first day I have been able to form written contractions.
We were supposed to arrive Saturday but the snow in Newark nixed that plan. Lemonade out of lemons, of course, so we drove to Atlanta and toured the Coke factory and tasted forty kinds of drinks Coke sells around the world. All I have to say about that is that I am very sorry, Italy, for the bitter aperitif known as Beverly. I thought root beer was bad.
The Glamore family finally arrived in Portugal Monday. As always, our vacation has centered on food thus far. We ate lunch at a “snack bar” called Cafe Tigelinha where we managed to order and devour salmon and veal. After naps for the three oldes Read more:Letter
No Class 2007-03-25 22:43:04 We were seated in first class on our flight from Atlanta to Newark on our way to Portugal. The boys were ecstatic and I took (undeserved) credit for the situation because I had spent a lot of time chatting up the Delta agent as we both tried to make sure that our family and our bags would end up in Lisbon.
From then on the boys were convinced that all it would take to escape the confines of coach class was a smile and a wink from me, and when we checked in at the Lisbon airport yesterday they hollered, “Get us seats in first class, Mom! We want to sit in first class!”
I just might have been able to do it, too. The Portuguese loved the boys’ light hair, and the whole family was reasonably clean, or at least we weren’t smelling overtly like clams. Finn’s snarl had temporarily disappeared, I’d put on a swipe of lipstick and Bill was his usual hot self. Drew and Porter happened to be wearing matching pants, and were walking through the airport
Blast From The Past: Potty-Training Nomad-Style 2007-03-28 17:03:21 Discouraging potty humor rather than dealing with potty training is our primary focus now, and my memories of teaching Finn to use the toilet are vague.
Not so with the twins. I don’t remember when it started, but one morning we woke to find the duo in their cribs naked from the belly button down. They became obsessed with tearing off their diapers, mostly at night. I quickly tired of vacuuming cotton fill from the floors after Drew and Porter ripped off the Pampers and dissected them before hurling them across the room.
That’s when Bill and I began securing the diapers with strips of duct tape while the twins looked at us reproachfully. It was clear we were robbing them of one of their cherished activities, second only to rearranging the condiments in the refrigerator.
The duct tape worked, and Bill and I congratulated ourselves. I was especially pleased because of all the vacuuming time I was saving. As with all child-related successes, we celebrated too soon.
The Read more:Blast
, Training
, Nomad
, Style
Barnacles: Why You Should Eat Your Food, Not Google It 2007-04-02 15:42:50 I don’t remember who advised us that barnacles were a Portuguese delicacy, but if you tell the Glamores about a wacky food you can count on us to taste it. We announced our intention to feast on barnacles to anyone in the Tiny Kingdom who asked about our trip, and we speculated about barnacles the whole week before we left. We were rushed leaving and I never had time to google them and see what they actually looked like, or how to cook and eat them. All we knew was that in Portuguese they were called percebes.
We were out walking one day and saw a restaurant with beautiful seafood in the window. I glimpsed a sign that said “PERCEBES” in fat black scrawl. We’d found the exotic food we’d been seeking, and we rushed over and beheld a huge bowl of barnacles.
Here’s what the barnacles looked like up close:
(that’s a rock at the bottom of the barnacles in the second picture)
We pressed our noses against the restaurant window and courage Read more:Google
How An Eight-Year-Old Views The World 2007-04-05 00:40:10 The Tiny Kingdom Museum of Art is pleased to unveil its latest exhibit, “HOW AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD VIEWS THE WORLD.” The photographs were taken by the emerging star Porter Glamore, and document his unique insight into Lisbon, Portugal. Using an inexpensive camera he received for Christmas, the young photographer set out to take as many pictures as possible, with seventy-two million as his goal. Porter’s work demonstrates that youth is no barrier to capturing images which speak to our shared humanity. His visual acuity and offbeat aesthetic make this an enthralling collection of pieces you will not want to miss.
Several themes are apparent in Glamore’s images. “Pondering Pigeons” is a series of photographs of the common bird. Although some city-dwellers may view the bird as a nuisance, Glamore’s compelling snapshots and detailed titles impart personality to the creatures.
“Hungry Pigeon Eating A Crumb Of My Cheeseburger Bun”
&ldq Read more:Eight
, World
Splash 2007-04-07 20:08:22 Four years ago the boys and Bill would hang out in the driveway doing this:
We’d consider that the bath for the day. Good times.
Read more:Splash
It’s Official: Eye’m Old 2007-04-09 04:26:04 I’ve been forty for barely a month now. I’ve always devoted considerable energy to keeping myself fit and healthy.
I Jazzercise. I don’t smoke. I eat fish. I learned that you should take fish oil capsules at night unless you want to taste tuna fish burps all day. When sexy television doctor Sanjay Gupta warned me to consume plenty of antioxidants to fight off free radicals, I listened and began adding a generous splash of POM Wonderful to my gin and tonics.
All my ministrations have been in vain. I now have proof that my body, which wasn’t so healthy at thirty-nine, has begun a steep descent into old age and decay.
When Bill and I were in New York, he noticed that I kept yanking my reading glasses on and off whenever I had to read something small– a menu, a price tag, a paper.
“Why don’t you buy a chain to keep those around your neck like other women do?” he asked.
“Because those other ladies are a lot older than I am Read more:Official
Birth Of Two Salesmen 2007-04-10 18:00:31 Few events inspire more joy than entering the den to find your sofa has been turned into a marketplace where you can purchase the Easter candy you gave your children the day before at a nifty 300% markup.
The Penis Project & More 2007-04-16 15:17:29 There’s been lots of talk about sex around the Glamore house this week, mainly by me. I’ve been reading Strong Mothers, Strong Sons, which says that boys approaching adolescence should be told everything their parents know about puberty. I thought I did a fabulous job of giving Finn a technically descriptive, exhaustive sex talk a while back. As I read the book, however, I realized that I had completely failed to mention wet dreams. What kind of mother spends advises her son so thoroughly on the care and feeding of a menstruating woman (back rubs and chocolate) and neglects to inform him about nocturnal emissions?
I called Bill at work and got his voice mail.
“Honey, I forgot to tell Finn about wet dreams when I gave him the sex talk, and I’m afraid he’s going to start having them soon. Do you think you could go over that with him tonight while y’all are driving from baseball practice to drums? You should have twelve minutes to cover it if ther Read more:Penis
, Project
Days Before Doorknob 2007-04-19 22:53:17 I was making up the bed and I let out a muffled, feminine poot.
“Safety!” I shouted reflexively, before I realized that Bill was at work, the boys were at school, and my toot wasn’t placing me in physical danger.
In the days before Doorknob
, flatulence was followed by an “excuse me” or the proclamation, “I farted!” followed by peals of laughter by the small boys who are amused by such things.
And then testosterone poisoned our house, Doorknob was discovered and our way of dealing with farts underwent a radical change.
One night I was reading the movie reviews in my New Yorker when I heard squealing in the den where Bill and the boys were enjoying a rare night of TV. There was giggling and scuffling and shouts of “Doorknob!” and “Safety! and “I smelled it”! and “I touched the doorknob! I’m safe!”
“What was going on in there?” I asked when everyone was tucked in and Bill settled into
Hoos For Hokies 2007-04-20 23:03:30 As an alumnus of the University of Virginia, I wanted to pass on the message painted on Beta Bridge which pretty much sums it up:
Read more:Hokies
What’s A ‘Hoo? And Other Thoughts 2007-04-23 15:14:11 In my last post I showed Beta Bridge painted with the sentiment “Hoos For Hokies” which is the University of Virginia’s way of expressing support for Virginia Tech during this tragic time. This raised the inevitable question: What’s a &lsquo
;Hoo?
I’ll quote from the paper of record at the U, the Cavalier Daily:
“WAHOOS? What the heck is a wahoo?” Prospective University students ask this question every year during tours around Grounds. One can only imagine the looks on the faces of University guides as high school students and their parents gaze expectantly at them, waiting for an answer. For, as every Wahoo comes to know — as well as every Wahoo’s chagrined parents — a wahoo is a fish that can drink twice its own weight.”
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You know you’re a parent when your courtesy notice from the library advises you that one of your many overdue books is titled P
Depressing Thought Of The Day 2007-04-25 19:34:26 I used to feel like Calvin. Now I empathize with his mom. Damn, I’m old.
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