Owner: Tales From My Tiny Kingdom URL:http://www.mytinykingdom.com Join Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2007 12:47:24 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The tooth fairy gets drunk and forgets leave Finn money for his tooth, Drew has burning buttocks and Porter is spying for the government. Another day in Anne Glamore's life in the Tiny Kingdom. Site statistics:Click here
Writing You A Love Letter 2007-08-06 14:51:50 Bill and I got married in August of 1993 and vowed to stay together “from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live.”
What we didn’t foresee was that I’d be diagnosed with Hepatitis C in 1997. That diagnosis would launch our journey through a series of medical events that have affected every aspect of our lives.
Finn was sixteen months old at the time, and Bill and I were told to finish our family so that I could start treatment as soon as possible.
As we look back at the last ten years of our marriage, we can see how each medical hurdle we faced prepared us for the next, more challenging one. We worked hard at completing our family, and Porter and Drew arrived six weeks early, in August of 1998. Bill’s experience watching me undergo an emergency C-section was his first alarming hospital experience. It wasn’t his last.
The duo spent several Read more:Letter
, Love Letter
Melting A Geeky Mom’s Heart 2007-08-09 17:21:08 The sentiment is wonderful, but it was the proper use of the apostrophe that really made me feel warm and fuzzy.
Read more:Geeky
, Heart
Their Guts Will Have A Happy Birthday 2007-08-12 18:45:13 The twins’ birthday is Tuesday and Finn has had several ideas about what he’s going to give them. He’s considered making them a CD, purchasing Best Buy gift cards, or getting them each a Swiss Army knife.
A few minutes ago he ran into my room and announced that he had thought of an even more fabulous present.
“You know what I’d want for MY birthday? A lifetime Safety. I think I’d feel more relaxed around the house when I’m feeling a little gassy.”
He’s printing up the certificates now.
Read more:Happy
, Birthday
, Happy Birthday
Bow Chicka Wow Wow 2007-08-14 18:09:08 Hell. The the Axe effect has struck our house again, but this time the outcome was worse, thanks to my big mouth.
Last Friday I was running errands with the boys, and as Finn and I strolled across the CVS parking lot together I heard him singing “Bow chicka wow wow” under his breath. I bought sunscreen and Finn bought some body spray after I nixed his request for back-to-school cologne.
He grooved to the “Bow chicka wow wow” again as we walked into the eye doctor’s office to get his contacts checked. And again on our way into Publix.
I don’t know what that song makes you think of, but I imagine naked bodies undulating in a hazy 1970’s style den with green shag carpeting.
“Finn, where did you hear that?” I finally asked him, worried that he’d been over at a friend’s house watching all sorts of naughty things.
“On an Axe commercial,” he said nonchalantly, kicking a rock across the asphalt as we walked. Read more:Chicka
A Venn Diagram, The Union Of Which Is A Joke 2007-08-16 17:04:46 Two completely unrelated topics have been on my mind lately, but last night I realized that if I were to make a Venn diagram of them just for kicks, the intersecty part would contain a joke that my mother used to tell.
It’s fiery hot here. The temperature has been above 100 for nine days in a row, breaking all sorts of records and launching the weathermen into a state of frenzied excitement about the milestone. We watch wearily, dripping sweat and praying for a balmy 95 degree day.
Speaking of fire, Bill took the boys to get their soccer uniforms and the Bananarama remake of the Shocking Blue song “Venus” came on the radio. My genitally-obsessed boys came home singing “I’m your penis, I’m your fire…” until I told them I saw enough penises on a daily basis and did not want to hear about them in song.
There’s been some chatter on various blogs lately about Southern accents, and I confess that I have one. My boys learned to sa Read more:Diagram
, Union
Let Me Organize You, One Meal At A Time 2007-08-22 17:03:58 I value efficiency above almost everything except jewelry, and so although I frequently write about Publix, I try to limit my visits there by planning my menu for the week on Sunday and making one enormous grocery run.
“But I’m so unorganized! I can never think of anything to cook!” my friends wail when they hear of my anal-retentive, yet successful plan.
That’s where I come in. This week, I’m furnishing you with four recipes that are in frequent rotation at our house. This should give you plenty of time to print them out, assess your grocery needs, and put Anne Glamore’s Type A Meal Plan into action.
You’ll see that most of them are a variation on meat and starch, so if that’s not your bag, proceed to the next blog.
Below you’ll see recipes and commentary on Pork Lo Mein, Bowties With Peas and Prosciutto, Bulgogi and Chicken Piccata Pasta Toss.
Two of this week’s meals are Asian-ish, so you can buy one big hunk of ginger
Happy Anniversary: Your Son Is An Ass 2007-08-21 10:27:44 Today is our anniversary. Bill and I are going to celebrate sometime, but not tonight because we have Open House (2 parents, 3 classrooms to visit) and Finn’s soccer practice. We’re trying to fit dinner, homework and baths in there, too.
This morning Bill left me a note on the counter that sent shivers up my spine.
Honey:
Happy
anniversary! The bathroom tub leaked all night. It’s a big leak and filled up the whole tub. I wasn’t able to fix it (I know that surprises you!)
Your Hunk Of Love,
Bill
I managed the morning routine with the boys. With pre-teen Finn, I never know if I’m going to wake up to solicitous, shoulder-massaging Finn or a barbarian. This morning it was the latter.
I walked into the den to find Drew sobbing on the sofa. I went to the kitchen where Porter was eating a stack of waffles. He explained the reason for the weeping with anchorman-like precision.
Drew couldn’t read Bill’s note because it was in cursive Read more:Anniversary
, Happy Anniversary
Help A Clueless Soccer Family 2007-08-20 08:24:17 The minivan, the suburbs and the fact that David Beckham bears an uncanny resemblance to my own sexy husband might have led you to conclude that I’m a typical soccer mom. I fit the demographic, except that until now, none of the boys has played much soccer.
Recently Finn joined a competitive soccer team (Long story. Summary: my resentment that soccer takes up 5/7 of our week and forced me to reschedule drum lessons has been replaced by grudging acceptance. The other families seem hip and soccer has more action than baseball, fewer concussions than football, and a point, which I fail to see in basketball).
None of the Glamores knows a thing about soccer, except that I am aware of the hotness of the aforementioned David Beckham, which I have witnessed first-hand, and his alleged talent, which I have not.
At the game yesterday the referee kept calling “off-sides” and I thought that meant that the ball rolled out of bounds and had to be thrown in by the other team. Sad Read more:Clueless
, Soccer
, Family
Wanted: Magical Antidote 2007-08-27 17:59:32 I’m pissed at myself for quitting the Harry Potter series around Book 4, because I was cleaning Porter’s closet today and found this unsettling recipe:
I hope it will take the guys a while to actually cast their magic spell, because I don’t know what it will do or how to render it impotent, if it’s designed to make this a mom-free house.
Of course, if it’s a cure for odorous feet, I’ll join them in the search for a phoenix.I bet Miss Zoot or Katrina could help me, but the rest of you feel free to chime in. And if I disappear soon, well, blame it on the unicorn spittle.
Read more:Magical
Weekly Wrapup: Stings, Soccer, Supper, Sexy 2007-08-24 07:58:55 It was our anniversary, but Bill and I didn’t see each other until 7:45 p.m. at Open House in Mrs. L’s Advanced Math class. At that point I had already met with both third-grade teachers and Bill had gone to Social Studies, English and Science, so we were worn out after a day of work and school. Our kisses were weary, though heartfelt.
Bill and I are hoping to go out of town this weekend for a little celebration, if the kids don’t prevent our getaway. Drew got stung by the World’s Most Venomous Yellowjacket while he and Porter were playing in the fort they made out of tree limbs. At first it didn’t look like much and we applied ice and Benadyl, but this morning his entire foot was swollen something wicked.
It isn’t streaky, though, so I’m assuming that this is not an injury that will put our vacation in danger, like stitches and lice have in the past.
Speaking of Wicked, I was astounded to discover that someone has created a dance-mix Read more:Weekly
, Soccer
, Supper
Our Last Fishy Performance 2007-08-29 12:30:08 An animal entering our house would be wise to bring an updated will and phone numbers for next-of-kin.
We’ve boxed and buried guinea pigs, flushed fish, and had hermit crabs wander away in the middle of an electrifying race, never to be seen again. Back in June we managed to kill a crawfish and Speedy the goldfish on consecutive days. The very first post I wrote was about the death of a different goldfish named Speedy and his enemy, Brownie.
Right now we have three pets, though that number could change at any moment. Elvis, the dog from Hell, has managed to stick around for a couple of years now, mainly through sheer cussedness. Drew’s parakeet, Texas Ranger, requires little care. He’s extremely shy and has yet to utter a word, which is a great disappointment to Drew and quite a relief to me.
Finally, there is the fish who swims in his bowl by the coffee maker, looking at us with baleful eyes, knowing his days are numbered. He can feel his impending demise Read more:Fishy
, Performance
Missing HTML: Reward If Found! 2007-09-21 08:40:07 Bill says watching me manage my blog is akin to witnessing dogs mating: there are shudders and misfires, yelping and awkward pauses, but in the end a post or a puppy is produced.
Although I’ve been blogging for more than two years, I was 37 when I started. HTML and Flickr have all been highly mysterious to me, and every week I struggle with something else that seems like it should be elementary, but it ends up taking me hours of playing with codes and applications to figure out. None of this comes naturally.
Perhaps those of us who are old enough to have witnessed the mind-blowing transition from rotary to push-button telephones blew the neural pathway that instantly grasps the most basic points of computer programming. (Heartbreakingly, my parents were not earl adopters of the new phone technology, despite my pleas that we were wasting more time than most people because we dialed of 9’s so often, which took forever.)
My latest challenge arose when I was trying to uploa Read more:Missing
An Ode To Osmosis 2007-09-19 21:47:06 I remember learning about osmosis, the process by which water moves across a membrane from an area of low concentration to an area of high concentration, in Mrs. B’s 7th grade biology class.
The idea was difficult for me to grasp, and my mother spent hours with me in the den going over the difference in a hypertonic solution and a hypotonic solution while I cried salty tears that I now know were hypertonic with salt compared to the water in the dog bowl.
I’ve never had an occasion to use other concepts I learned in the class, like the stages of mitosis (anaphase, metaphase, telophase) although they rattle uselessly in my mind, taking up valuable real estate that could be put to much better use remembering that Wednesday’s soccer skills workout has been changed from 5:30 to 5:15. Sorry, fellow carpool moms.
But osmosis!
Osmosis is useful, especially if you stretch the definition a bit.
Last night during dinner Bill asked Finn if he had done any of his homework that a
Sexy Singers, But Can They Spell? 2007-09-17 21:29:39 Bill never has much of an opinion on music, so the boys and I were astounded when we were on the way to church and he said, “Who is this singing? She has a cool voice.”
It was Fergie, singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” for the umpteenth time.
“This song is okay,” I said, “but Gwen Stefani has a ballad out now called “Four In The Morning” that’s infinitely better. Want to hear it?” I reached for my iPod to dial it up.
“Hang on, I want to hear the rest of this,” he said.
I was peeved. Gwen Stefani is obviously much hipper, and I’ve loved her forever. According to my marital logic, if Bill’s not going to care about music, he’s obligated as my spouse to support my singers.
When we got home, I made the mistake of showing Bill a picture of Fergie, and for a moment he decided he liked her a lot better than Gwen. Of course, that’s because a man’s amygdala and hypothalamus are more Read more:Singers
Detoxify Noxious Athletic Shoes In 3 Easy Steps!* 2007-09-16 21:26:47 Does your house smell like the lion’s cage at the zoo? Until last week, the rancid odor emanating from the boys’ rooms made my eyes water. I traced the cause to the boys’ shoes: specifically, their soccer cleats.
Obviously I’m no stranger to athletic shoes. What’s new to me is the combination of footwear and perspiration containing male hormones which are beginning to stir and work their magic. I knew the boys were going to start growing a centimeter a day, that one day the twins’ sweat would be not only moist, but also sour and that Finn would develop man-hair below his knees, but does Nature have to be so damn smelly?
Apparently so.
I’d tried other remedies: Odor-Eaters (liners and spray), baking soda and so forth, but the smell only grew stronger. I tried to mask the stench with Lysol, Glade and every room deodorizer and air freshener in the cleaning aisle, but I only succeeded in making the boys’ rooms look like a bathroom in a cheap
Tuna Fish & Wacky Packs 2007-09-12 22:10:11 The hip after-school snack at the Glamore house is a whole can of tuna, eaten straight from the can with a fork. It’s a vast improvement on sardines and crackers, but we’re going through garbage bags and Lysol at an alarming rate to keep the house from smelling like a fishmonger’s.
Three cans of tuna per day starts to add up, as well, so we’ve foregone Chicken of the Sea for a cheaper brand.
We were talking about the tuna and the need to reduce costs in this area over dinner the other night. It morphed into an in-depth discussion of tunas of yore.
“They used to advertise tuna fish all the time when we were growing up,” I said. “Like, ‘Sorry, Charlie. StarKist doesn’t want tunas with good taste, we want tunas that taste good.’”
“Yeah, and how about ‘Ask any mermaid, you happen to see,’” Bill sang, and then I joined in, “what’s the best tuna, Chicken of the Sea.”
Drew and Porte
Frustrated Mom Needs Vocabulary Lesson 2007-09-12 12:55:40 “You don’t have to murder it; you just have to hit it,” is one of the encouragements I yell to Finn during baseball season. My baseball repertoire is vast:
“Don’t watch the ball, just hit it and RUN!”
“Hey outfield, look alive!”
“Nice hit!”
“Way to hustle!”
“It’s coming to YOU, [name]!”
“Mow him down– he’s in the baseline!”
I don’t yell, “Go Finn Glamore, #23 on the field and #1 in my heart” anymore, because the last time I did Finn struck out and blamed it on me, and rightfully so.
Soccer has been hard to adjust to. Our team is new, so I have few opportunities to shout “Nice kick” or “nice pass” but when these rare events happen I do try to acknowledge them.
It’s when the ball is being kicked around in the middle of the field with no sense of purpose that I get doubly frustrated, first that the ball isn’t being taken Read more:Frustrated
, Needs
, Vocabulary
I’m Making Eggs And I Don’t Mean Scrambled 2007-09-10 08:21:22 One of Finn’s teachers had the nerve to assign Bill and me homework. She sought information about Finn’s personality, his dreams, fears and passions. Referring her to this website did not appear to be an option, and because I didn’t know the teacher, I couldn’t very well write “Finn is just like me, but with a penis” and leave it at that, although it would have been God’s honest truth.
All writing assignments tend to be funneled to me, but I made Bill sit with me one night and ponder our oldest son. Bill was able to brainstorm for about 45 seconds until the twins’ game of bathtub battleship sloshed so much water onto the floor that it started dripping into the basement, at which point he ran upstairs to captain the bailing and toweling actions that followed.
The homework was due just after Finn’s three days of grounding. His treatment of his brothers had improved only minimally. Consequently, I wasn’t thinking of him
The Bustle In The Kitchen 2007-09-06 11:03:00 It was like Iron Chef when I walked in the kitchen this morning. Pieces of bread were flying, the boys were wielding knives dripping with condiments, and I had to duck as Finn tossed a banana to Drew, who stuck it in a lunch bag.
My boys always get the plate lunch at school, so I wondered why Porter was putting the finishing touches on a honey and mayonnaise sandwich.
Finn pointed at the school menu, and then I knew.
School cafeteria meatloaf. It may be worse than my mom’s.
Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Not A Normal Day Read more:Kitchen
Most Unfair Parents EVER Today, Stars on Oprah Tomorrow 2007-09-05 08:16:22 Bill and I have hit a milestone. We’ve felt the mixture of helplessness and pride that courses through your veins as the fruit of your loins looks at you and shouts, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. That is SO harsh!”
The child, of course, was Finn, and his failure to make his bed, hang up his wet towels and empty the dishwasher before school– chores that have been explained, typed and posted in his room– had led to his being grounded one afternoon for his first infraction, and two afternoons for the second.
He accepted his first punishment with grim resignation. When he arrived home from school the next day to find a note from Bill outlining his transgressions and the resulting punishment, the indignity was too much to bear.
“I can’t possibly stay in my room for two whole afternoons,” he said. “You have no idea what that’s like.”
I didn’t, but refrained from telling him that an afterno Read more:Parents
, Today
, Oprah
They Didn’t Analyze The Men So I Will 2007-09-03 12:44:04 I’m tired of studies scrutinizing every action women take while raising their children, without giving equal time to the men.
Jenn linked to an article about a study that purported to be able to identify mothers at a greater risk for depression based on the way they cradle their babies. Like many such studies, the “scientists” looked only at mothers.
I’ve conducted my own research on the way fathers hold their children and what their body language conveys in various situations:
I am holding you by your twig and berries to confirm that you are male and not a sissy, because all this crying is making me wonder.
I refuse to hold you in my arms and cuddle you because you kept me up all night with your damn wailing.
I have discovered the essential element of childrearing and its name is chianti.
Or a brewski and Mexican food will do.
Business before babies, and “business” is to be broadly interpreted.
Although the football game does not begin for s Read more:Analyze
Triathlon Training: Family Endurance 2007-09-28 07:52:45 Many of you were entranced with the story of Finn training for his first full-length triathlon, especially when an innocent whiff of sexuality reared its head: the presence of a girl, whose entry into the race prompted Finn to scoff at the idea of participating in the event as part of a relay team. If Allie was going to swim 600 yards, bike 16 miles and run 3 miles by herself, Finn wasn’t going to let the fact that she’d be ahead of him and he’d be staring at her rear the entire race deter him from doing the same. That may have been a motivating factor, actually.
You’ll remember that once Finn decided to compete, Bill decided to devote his spare time to coaching Finn through his training, sacrificing his own participation in the race.
At first the training was hardly noticeable. Bill and Finn would get up early to swim or run; on the weekends they’d take a long bike ride.
As the race drew nearer, their sessions grew longer. I was able to overlook Read more:Training
, Family
, Endurance
Corralling The Horses 2007-09-25 08:10:34 If you’ve been worried about the the right age to teach your children “Found a Peanut” or “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” you can mark that off your to-do list. I’m happy to report that if your kids are exposed to a wide variety of wholesome friends they’ll learn those songs and many other, equally irritating ditties as well. I think it happens by osmosis.
We discovered this on our way home from Auburn, where we’d gone to visit Bill’s parents, although everyone else seemed to think the football game was the main event.
Sunday Finn was in a Dramamine-induced coma in the back seat after a morning of vomiting, so Porter and Drew had to compete only with each other to be heard on the way home.
After a stop at McDonald’s, the boys were eating their chicken strips. Drew started cracking up.
“Hey Porter, I’m eating female chicken,” he said. “The box says ‘all white premium chicken breast’ so Read more:Horses
What Not To Wear: Perfume Edition 2007-09-24 11:07:45 I’ve already illustrated what not to wear in bed (and conversely, what you should wear). Today we’ll move on to “What Not To Wear: PerfumeEdition
.”
During Finn’s drum lesson Friday, I hustled over to the Galleria to Sephora to try out Gwen Stefani’s new perfume, Lamb. Usually I buy perfume based on scent alone. The fact that Elizabeth Taylor, J. Lo, and Britney hawked perfume didn’t persuade me to run out and try them.
It’s different, however, when a celebrity I truly adore, like Sarah Jessica Parker or Gwen Stefani comes out with a scent. I desperately tried to like SJP’s Lovely, but it smelled like worn soccer cleats on me.
So I was thrilled to hear that Gwen had a new perfume, because I feel as if we have a cosmic connection. We both have hot husbands and small titties and frequently dye our hair and… well, I can’t sing, and I don’t have a band, but when Kingston gets older I can give Gwen tons of useful
Unscheduled Anatomy Class 2007-10-01 16:31:32 It’s a gamble every day. I send the boys to school and hope they’ll act civilized, that they won’t make exquisitely loud armpit farts, that they’ll make smart food choices in the cafeteria. If they retain a smattering of math facts and information about the planets, the year will be a huge success.
Mostly, I don’t want the Glamores to become “those boys” who bully others, who talk back to teachers, who hit, who haven’t learned to be empathetic.
If asked, every mom could identify “The Bad Kid” (or kids) in her children’s grades. Mothers have a gift for honing in on “those” boys early on, and once labeled, it’s hard for “The Bad Kid” to lose the reputation.
So I was extremely upset to receive an email from a close friend, whose son is one of Porter’s best friends.
Hey Anne:
I meant to tell you this. Have Porter fold his hand back to his shoulder then get him to tell you what the ski
Only In Alabama? 2007-10-14 20:09:19 I dare you to find anything in YOUR hometown that fulfills such a special need.
Figure 1: Side View: Is this what I think it is?
You have got to be kidding. But hooray! I was in the mood to wet a pole.
I love some wigglers, but I’m in the mood for catfish.
Score!!
Get the frying pan ready - we’re about to have us a meal!
Keep your eyes open for crazy cultural inventions. I’d love to see the pictures!
Two years ago in Tales From My Tiny Kingdom: Don’t you (Forget About Me) Read more:Alabama
Sappy But Happy 2007-10-11 19:49:15 In the days of Disco Break and Saturday Night Fever, it felt like our parents partied all the time. Every weekend my sisters and I would watch Hee-Haw or The Love Boat while my mom put on a chiffon skirt and purple sequin halter top and my dad shaved and dabbed on Aqua-Velva. Then the tottering blue-haired babysitter would arrive, and my parents would be off. For a while they went to The Tango, a disco at the top of a new building near Joy Young’s, the Chinese restaurant.
(That building is now the office where Bill and I work. Sometimes when I get off the elevator I see a disco ball and hear “I Will Survive” but that’s just my mind playing tricks on me.)
Other nights my parents would host grownup parties. My mom would fix Sausage Pinwheels, and olives embedded in a bisquick batter and baked, and my favorite fancy appetizer, water chestnuts rolled in bacon, secured with a toothpick and run under the broiler. The Glamores come by their bacon addiction hones Read more:Happy
Food, Glorious Food 2007-10-09 22:39:19 Last time I posted a week’s worth of easy, family-friendly recipes, the post was so popular you’d have thought I had pictures of a shirtless Brad Pitt on here.
So again, I have several meals that we would eat in the course of a week. The idea is to use Sunday afternoon to plan out what you’re going to eat each night, and make one big shopping run that day. If you’re really on the ball, you can make Sunday and Monday’s meal on Sunday, or do some prep work for other meals, and you’ll really feel good about yourself if you’re an anal-retentive gourmet like me.
(Full disclosure: I generally do have to run back to the store for more milk and fruit in the middle of the week, but at least I’m not killing myself thinking up something to feed everyone.)
I have four new recipes this week, or you can look at the recipes from last time and see if anything looks good.
1. Oven Fried Catfish
I haven’t posted any seafood recipes yet, and we eat a
Beyonce And I Fail Division 2007-10-08 07:55:28 I avoid math as much as possible, but when there’s arithmetic to be done I have a calculator handy. Surprisingly, they still teach 6th grade math as if all calculators will spontaneously combust in 2015, which is why Finn is learning the tedious process of dividing complicated numbers by other complicated numbers.
There are infinite combinations of complications that I shudder to contemplate, for I’m sure they await Finn (and thus me) in the future. Dividing one fraction into another! Dividing a square root by an integer! Dividing percents! Dividing a negative number by another negative number, as if that ever happens in real life!
You notice I haven’t even reached the part where you start solving for X.
Finn needed help with his homework the other night, and Bill, the default, was out. I dispatched Finn to the shower so I would have plenty of time to work out the kinks in my teaching method.
The topic du jour was dividing decimals:
I knew exactly what to do as Read more:Division
, Beyonce
ZZzt 2007-10-05 14:53:48 Migraine.
Not funny.
More later.
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