Owner: Sex and the Beach URL:http://sexandthebeach.blogspot.com Join Date: Sun, 13 Aug 2006 12:44:42 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: You won't find me on the side of a bus. I AM THE BUS! Manola BBB is a semi-fictional character and the pen name of a wordsmith born, raised, praised and laid in the magic city. She tackles all subjects sex and love with nutty humor! Site statistics:Click here
EAT MY FACEBOOK! 2007-09-03 20:56:00 If you find the letters a wee bit small to read, do please click on this delightful image for a Ron Jeremy size close-up.Oh my! I am SO going to hell for this one. YEAH! I got some of my mojo back ...tags: facebook, twitter, cartoon, parody, web 2.0, social network, sex, cunnilingusYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Modern Love: Flickr Block 2007-10-01 11:20:00 "He flickr blocked me and we never even had sex!"tags: cartoon, comedy, freud, flickrYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Modern
, Flickr
A Death Prayer and Some Laughs 2007-10-08 23:24:00 Well, before you start thinking the author of this blog has major mood swings ... something funny happens to you after you've flatlined. It's hard to explain, but boy does this change you forever. I was talking to an old grad school buddy about this and ya know, it seems like all in a day's work, but not really. It's possible to be all bumpity-bump and yet perfectly content ... the heart is a VERY fickle organ, but you still look at that electronic monitor like it defines you somehow. And well, that thing called death, it's like I walk hand-in-hand with her every day, eating a snow-cone or having a grand old time, all good stuff.In any case, I was inspired by my friend over at Gaping Void for some profound thoughts on a death prayer, but even perhaps more so on just the thought of what if? based on my own lived experience. Well, more cartoons and inanity tomorrow, for certain ... no one ever said the laughs came easily. But they do come, don't they?PS ... if it helps you to Read more:Prayer
South Beach On $5,000 A Day 2007-10-05 14:46:00 "It's dick. You GOTTA have dick.""What's the point of living if you can't be a stupid, fucking lush?""This little restaurant/bar/mafia den is in the middle of this Jewish hassid neighborhood, so you never know if you're talking to the rabbi or the drug dealer. Talk about spiritual food.""I feel like Tony Montana is going to walk into the room with a machine gun."Rachael Ray vampired Manola's body, zOMG! But ever wonder how to do SouthBeach
on a budget? Well, wonder no more ... my client miamibeach411.com has all the answers. Wanna schmooze your way into a nightclub? And afterwords, how 'bout some cheap, good eats?tags: humor, parody, comedy, racheal ray, spoof, south beachYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach
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Modern Love: An Indecent Proposal 2007-10-04 15:32:00 Cartoon drawn up quickly over the phone while talking to a friend. We take social media VERY seriously!tags: guy kawasaki, cartoon, twitter, comedy, social media, parodyYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Modern
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Sexcrunch: Penile Art, Neoclitori and Repentant Pornographers 2007-10-04 13:41:00 All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!Just your average tax collector on South Beach. Does this phenomenon have a neoclitoris?IS THE PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THE PEN?As a rogue cartoonist, I do appreciate innovative approaches to art. But this one I could've never imagined!Learn more about Pricasso here.SOME GUYS WANT TO BE CALLED A PUSSYProof once more that sex and gender are not bedfellows: some people buy pussy, but not for porn. Reuters Health reports that "most people who undergo male-to-female sex change surgery are satisfied with the results." In the process of transexual metamorphosis, feminizing genitoplasty often involves the recreation of a neoclitoris. I really like this word: neoclitoris. It's refreshing. Not just any old clitoris, but a neoclitoris ... ah! Neoclitoris ... strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.WHEN IS AN ASSHOLE A PUSSY?Speaking of dudes who are pussies, Joe Francis is behin
Eau de Scrotum 2007-10-16 17:14:00 I'm sorry, I'm sort of a matter of fact person, and whenever you do an ad campaign with a perfume bottle on top of a skeletal model's vagina, I'm going to think wow, you want guys to start acting like horny dogs who sniff out hoochie!Real classy, huh?Ya know, I'm just kind of literal that way. But what if we turned the tables around? What if Tom Ford had to design a perfume campaign for women? Would gladiator-supersize-OMG peni be served so candidly and with such fervor? Hmm ... the cautious, compassionate critic in me says "I don't think so."Here's the bottom line, folks. Pussy sells, dick does not.And I would love to see scrotum served so cold, like a tuna platter, know what I mean?And by the way, if I did have a for real boyfriend, I would NEVER buy him this cologne, unless of course, he had to figure out how to find it ... :-) Please, please, please ... contemplate this the next time you give a guy a blow job, alright?What more is there to say? Do you or don't you wan Read more:Scrotum
Gringo Woo Your Spanish Fly 2007-10-16 11:55:00 This tender chonga video is dedicated to my fellow writer pal, Matt Meltzer, formerly aka White Dade. Come to think of it, perhaps many transplanted Miamians may also enjoy this song ...tags: spanish, comedy, video, miamiYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Gringo
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Sexcrunch: Cash Cows, Wealthy Lechers and Hot Geezers 2007-10-20 18:20:00 All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any! Get a room! This classic sex on the beach moment brought to you courtesy of Key Largo Diver, one of my favorite local photographers. Yes, the girl is pulling a Britney, but that wayward thong is too low even for Manola's taste. Click here to see the nsfw full monty.BREAKING NEWS! FERTILITY IS A CASH COW!Speaking of exposing your pussy to the world, Scientific American reports on a study conducted by some dudes who proved that strippers make more bucks when they're ovulating. Yeah, seriously. Pole dancers on the pill served as a control group and went home with nothing extra to report to the IRS. The results of this experiment suggest that human estrus still lurks beneath our civilized codes of social conduct, as opposed to baboons, who don't think twice about displaying their engorged rumps to potential mates.What genius! I'm tellin' ya, who would've thought that showing y Read more:Wealthy
Famous Miami Bloggers 2007-10-23 11:20:00 Is there a blog in there?Last month, five of us cool cats (yes, I said it) got together at Morada Bay in Islamorada for the first ever South Florida tweetup, a gathering of folks who are on Twitter, including Devbear, Douge, Fanless and Dearyvette. We're hoping to do more planned and/or spontaneous get-togethers, so stay tuned. We had a grand old time and I hope you can join us in the future.I was just thinking about this the other day -- 99% of my LOCAL real world friends are people I met online. It's simply amazing, perhaps stating the obvious for some of you, but it's not something I take for granted. Since I started blogging two years ago (October 10th was this blog's birthday), I have met many wonderful people who have given a damn about me in real life and I've had the honor to give a damn about them.I'm not talking about "friends" in a Robert Scoble facebook 5,000 "contacts" sort of way -- which is totally cool and serves its purpose, that's all fine and well -- but pe Read more:Famous
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Sexcrunch: Raging Men, Horny Ladies and Condom Bragging 2007-11-01 19:08:00 All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!Kids, pants below the ass is ok on Miami's stylish beaches, but not in school. Photo by yours truly.GIVE HIM THE FINGERBoy, we could sure use some more creative "emasculating gestures" against asshole drivers in Miami. People of my city, start wiggling your pinkies like our friends down under! Some wanker in Australia flew into road rage after a woman showed him the little finger. Insecure about size much? Read the full story at News.com.au.Here's another curious report from down under, courtesy of the 2007 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey: "In almost every country, men have had more partners than women - the only exception is New Zealand where the women's average of 20 lovers is three more than the men's."I don't know what's up with those Kiwi ladies, but I do know this: in a world full of lousy drivers, we might as well be getting some mileage in the bedroom!SAFESAX There's Read more:Condom
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EXCLUSIVE! Manola Interviews Maria! Scandalous! 2007-11-09 23:07:00 Manola Blablablanik interviews Maria
, the author of Sex and the Beach, on the occasion of her fortieth birthday. Bonus Seesmic video added below!Manola: Happy birthday to my favorite ho! Tell me, what does it feel like to be a withered old hag with dried-up ovaries?Maria: What are you talking about you cheap tramp, I'm only 40 and I feel better than ever!Manola: Oh come on, get real. You're supposed to have a mid-life crisis, babe. By Hollywood standards, you're already a prime nip/tuck candidate. And to add insult to injury, you can't even be a MILF because you've failed to push out a baby. Double whammy!Maria: Listen, bitch, the only "double whammy" here are the cheeks on my big fat Cuban ass! Manola, I can't believe you buy into that stupid shit! First of all, I'm still HOT and what makes me even HOTTER is the fact that I'm wiser and no longer a twenty-something Britney trainwreck about to happen, but a real woman with her high heels firmly planted on the ground. Read more:Interviews
What's In Your Bag? 2007-11-05 13:35:00 By special request from Salome's Mom, here's the content of Manola's purse.Ladies, there are certain items you must have in your purse at all times, especially if you live in Miami Beach."Regarding Manolo Blaniks: fuck vanity!""We have a problem in Miami. It's the occasional visit from Matthew McConaughey.""If you don't want to use a cheap-ass plastic Japanese sex toy, use a sweet potato. It's a little rough around the edges, but we ladies like a little feeling.""Chef Robert Irvine and my refrigerator. I'd love to be a sandwich.""Fuck botox. You just need to perfect the big fat Cuban chongalicious lipstick technique.""If you see an asshole, don't give him your phone number.""If you're stuck on the Palmetto and feel frustrated, burn some sage!""Ever since I carry Horatio Cane on top of my left boob, I move around Miami in total peace and comfort."Ladies, what's in your bag?tags: you tube, video, purse, manola,You won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A si
Planet Manola: Club Douche, Balls and Dating 2007-11-20 12:08:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently. If you are easily offended, do not read on!Learn more about Club Deuce here.Well my birthday week was quite intense. As you can see, I grew a whole new head of hair, courtesy of Beatnix, a new and vintage clothing and accessory store located at 1149 Washington Avenue. The shop is great for all your drag queen needs -- wigs, fake eyelashes, fishnets, platform heels and more at reasonable prices!TITS AND TESTICLESUploaded with Skitch! Original photo by the fabulous Shveckle.Well, even though this blog is a single woman's guide to chronic living, I wanted to point out some very cool things going on in the world where testosterone reigns supreme. Remember breast cancer awareness month? How about health problems involving the other two ballsy objects we love to fondle? Even though November is almost over, it's not too late to sponsor Darren Rowse of Problogger for Movember.IT T Read more:Douche
, Balls
, Dating
Beaujolais ... WHAT? 2007-11-19 14:46:00 While getting ready for a Beaujolais
Nouveau party, I pondered the curious thoughts that the syllables "beau/jo" brought to mind. In Spanish, the word "bollo" (pronounced bo-yo) means two different things across the Atlantic. In Spain, it refers to a sweet bread roll, but in Cuba and Miami? Something else entirely!Read more about my adventures with "bollo" at Meridian.tags: beaujolais nouveau, wine, pussy, bollo, video, seesmicYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Will Work for Sex 2007-11-27 14:10:00 When people ask what it's like to live on Miami Beach, all I can say is why would I be inspired to do this blog!Do you think this chick needs a job?But wait, maybe she's too busy being picked up by these guys!tags: cartoon, sex, miami beachYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Eat Your HooHa 2007-12-04 12:05:00 Would you drive a guy away who is willing to eat your hooha all night? I mean, this inspired me to song. Rogers and Hammerstein, I didn't mean to bastardize South Pacific or Some Enchanted Evening or Some Erectile Dysfunction or whatever.PS ... we realize that ED is a serious condition. We do not mean to make fun of those who are genuinely suffering. tags: seesmic, video, cunnilingusYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Beauty and the Bush 2007-12-02 12:51:00 BREAKING NEWS!!! The reason why King Arthur worked for the Romans and defeated the Saxons is because Clive Owen is really hot and the ladies waxed their pussy hair! And you thought Magna Carta was all about democracy! Little did you know ..."I believe that Condoleeza Rice does not shave, but I believe that Hillary will.""Cleopatra slept with the entire Roman Legion but at least one of them looked like Russel Crowe!""My vagina is the size of a football field. Trim one hair at a time, honey."OK, seriously, I am talking to my friend DearYvette on the phone right now about the virtues and vices of excessive (or as I would say -- "natural" --) pubic hair growth. Apparently, I am a total barbarian, because I believe in the beauty of the bush. And a handful of fellas whom have woken up this sleeping beauty through the thicket, may have agreed -- although no third parties are willing to corroborate.Even though DearYvette says that the fur bikini is a thing of the past, I must say that whe Read more:Beauty
I Need A Twitterectomy! 2007-12-15 11:56:00 tags: twitter, seesmic, videoYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Miami Missiletoe 2007-12-12 23:31:00 On a sultry winter evening, not a cocktail was stirring. He was about to make his big tongue move when suddenly ... ... a big-ass coconut fell smack on her head! Moral of the story ladies, never hang out with tongue-wagging lascivious men under a coconut tree ... do that at Club Deuce! PS ... we don't need mistletoe in Miami
. It's not cold as a witch's tit, so we don't have to swap spit at doorways just to stay warm. We kiss just because we're a bunch of ho's!tags: cartoon, sex, miami beach, mistletoe, kiss, coconutYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Food Porn at Tuscan Steak 2007-12-11 08:47:00 Why is this woman smiling? Satisfied from an incredible meal, meeting groovy people AND having her photo taken by the fabulous Miami Fever!Last Sunday, Gus and Michelle from Miami Beach 411 generously a hosted a dinner for 18 local bloggers, as well as contributors, staff members, forum participants and business associates of 411. The soiree was held at the TuscanSteak
on Washington Avenue just South of 5th. I wanted to write some comments about the food being orgasmic, but charming Verticus, whom I had the pleasure of meeting that night, beat me to it! Let me delight you with some choice quotes here."The food will make an athiest cry and thank God for the opportunity to eat such food as this.""Then comes the three mushroom risotto (yes, we're gluttons and it will only get worse). It's finished with white truffle oil and shaved parmesan reggiano and it's like having sex in public without getting arrested."Oh, it did get worse for us gluttons, but Verticus' food porn only gets
Miami Beach Parking Receipt 2007-12-07 11:58:00 Everyone knows I hate driving ... so that explains why I missed the MiamiBeach
parking fake receipt website scandal! Oh nose! Scott has links galore to my Manola mafia bloggers who've covered the topic. It's kind of dumb, yes, but I couldn't resist! Do you think the meter maid will notice any discrepancy?PS ... city of Miami Beach
, I love you so much ... but I preferred the old meters, where I could easily insert my parking card, conveniently purchased at at the George Jetson Publix by Purdy Avenue, where shopping is such a pleasure, I have multiple orgasms just going down the carbohydrates aisle. Anyway, you don't give money back with the new system, which sucks, ok? The whole point of buying the card was that you could basically park and go, stress-free.Plus, it's so much easier to have a card rather than having to scrounge for change. Such an issue to save quarters for the laundry, already! And then sometimes the machines don't accept plastic. What a pain in the ass, Read more:Parking
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Sexcrunch: Oy! Panties and His Royal Member 2007-12-06 10:29:00 All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any! Photo by the always fantabulous Miami Fever.Oy ...In the "no shit, Sherlock" school of science and philosophy, Reuters reports that people who have sex might have more sex and because they're actually doing things that involve sex, there may be problems associated with sexual activity. Look it, I took chemistry in high school. I also may have swapped spit with my high school sweetheart. There were chemical reactions ... I get it!OK, I'm dripping with facetiousness, but factor in there a drop of truth, buddy. Sex is a normal, human thing. Abstinence-only sex education is like telling a dog to get all soy on you all of a sudden. Realistic? Tell a barking quadruped to not eat sirloin or chew on a T-bone and what do you expect? Wise up and make it real!More Oy ...Pittsburgh attorney Todd Hollis is sick and tired of all the bitching over at dontdatehimgirl.com, owned by South Flo Read more:Royal
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Erotic Verse: Succubus 2007-12-20 13:20:00 She was no ordinary succubus.Late into the nightThrough cold, electric cloudsShe flew with broken wingsOn currents kindled by his dreams.And finally, descending uponHis yearning body, she whispered:"I'm late, my love, but tender is the morning" related: Night of the Meigatags: poetry, succubus, eroticYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Erotic Verse: River 2007-12-18 06:13:00 His words flow easilyA river of threaded silkCould I be the spoolEmbraced by his verseAnd wrap this shawl ofGolden words aroundMy shivering hearttags: poetryYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:River
Manola's Meatballs 2007-12-16 11:37:00 A possible alternative to the traditional chef uniform at Manola's restaurant.I want to open a restaurant on South Beach called Manola's Meatballs
. If I did, would you come and eat? All this talk about about food got me thinking that Jeffrey Chowderhead of Vagina Grill Management should consider investing in this deep-fried golden opportunity.Hmm, I'm trying to think of a place with Paula Deen hospitality minus a Jerry Springer brawl. Good gourmet food that doesn't require a bank loan to afford, yet would appeal to the palate of Mario Batali. I'd love the hostess to be Anthony Bourdain in drag and I'd want Andrew Zimmerman to be the sommelier of offal. A place where a red carpet bouncer doesn't let anyone in with a BMI under 18 yet doesn't feed Mr. Creosote his last wafer-thin mint. A restaurant where cornstarch and lard are used in moderation. A hot spot that's not so hot -- kind of like McBarton G -- fast food with a xanax edge, the kind of thing Paris Hilton woul
Erotic Verse: Kiss 2008-03-09 19:58:00 I kissed a man last nightAnd one sleepy kissWas enough to tell me whatMy mouth wants, is made forI kissed a man last nightAnd his lips I did drinkA river where I paddledAgainst the currents of former loveAnd some new, awkward affectionI kissed a man last night,Somehow hugged him in my mouth,This mouth that flows throughHeart breaks, lips I have tasted,Bodies I have known, swept awayTumultuously, abandonedEver to surface for airIn rivers of passionI kissed a man last night,And I laugh now, Knowing as Rick and Ilsa didA kiss is just a kissI kissed a man last night,And I laugh now, Knowing as I do, betterThat such a kiss Will not be the lastYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Steelclit: Aging Vagina 2008-03-02 10:59:00 Dear Dr. Annie Steelclit,Not long ago, I turned 40 and while I feel younger than ever, without nary a grey hair on my head, I recently reconnoitered my pubic forest and discovered an errant grey pube ... on my pudenda! What's up with that? Could it be possible that my vagina is aging faster than I am? Do I have on old vagina? I mean, I've heard of lazy ovary but shit, now my vagina is getting all geriatric on me! Is my vagina trying to tell me something? zOMG I feel like I should be wearing musty empire dresses! Should I have wanton irresponsible sex with Dr. Troy McNamara to cure me of all my Freudian hysterics and then beg for a free vaginal rejuvenation? Oh, please Dr. Steelclit, I am in a cunniconundrum! Please, please advise!" -- Shame AustenDear Shame,I think you should not fre Read more:Aging
Planet Manola: Pass the Vagina, Please 2008-03-02 09:15:00 Businesses of South Beach, you better be on your best behavior and nurture some class, because Manola doesn't mince her words! Photo by the amazing Miami Fever.I just wanted to point out that while I am a lover of all things Greek, including hot poolboys who work without green cards at expensive Miami Beach hotels, I will NEVER patronize Taverna Opa South Beach for as long as I live, because I actually like to EAT food and not have napkins strewn all over the table while I am nibbling, much less have some skanky ho from Baltimore purloining a Mediterranean ethnicity while shaking her ass over my tzatziki, furthermore forcing me to scream in my dining companion's ear, because the music is so loud, only worsening my already bad case of tinitis.However, the food is good. Pity ... maybe you Read more:Please
Sex and Relationships Revisited 2008-02-22 11:50:00 In case you missed my first sex and relationships column in Citylink Magazine last year, I've retyped the printed column below (Citylink doesn't archive its stories online).Writing under Manola Blablablanik as nom de plume, my stint at Citylink was brief; after only three columns, the publisher reorganized editorial made a dumb-ass decision and the topic of sex fell by the wayside. My editor assured me that I was no less adored -- the decision to toss off the topic of sex had nothing to do with me. You'd think a street-smart local rag that focuses on entertainment and makes revenue from escort ads would want black, white and sex all over! But no ... chalk it up to one of life's great mysteries.I'm very grateful for the experience, which I thoroughly enjoyed, even though it was challeng Read more:Relationships
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