Owner: Sex and the Beach URL:http://sexandthebeach.blogspot.com Join Date: Sun, 13 Aug 2006 12:44:42 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: You won't find me on the side of a bus. I AM THE BUS! Manola BBB is a semi-fictional character and the pen name of a wordsmith born, raised, praised and laid in the magic city. She tackles all subjects sex and love with nutty humor! Site statistics:Click here
Manola Hearts Horatio Cane 2007-05-16 05:03:00 Dear Producers of CSI,Boy do you have it all wrong. Ending your season with impossibly blonde Calleigh Duquesne wearing black stilleto pumps to a crime scene? Oh and Mr. Hot Lips -- aka DELCO -- whose labial assets reminds one of the most delicious blood oranges sautéed in tender garlic is now lusting after Miss Alice in Fisticups? And seriously, screw the mojo, what about normally way cool and superbly stoic Alexx Woods -- honey pie, you may dissect bodies, but how can you wear such hideously obvious hair extensions and still call yourself a professional medical examiner?Oy, it drives a Miami girl crazy, let me tell ya!Most importantly, what about all the dead people, drug running, corrupt politicians, environmental abuses and crimes and shit? OMG, your story lines are so freakin' pathetic. You think that just because you throw in -- a) a few anorexic models with attractive faces who act like stupid bimbos b) a smattering of highly photoshopped alligators c) boring-ass aerial sh Read more:Hearts
Steelclit: Sex Tips for Spiderman 2007-05-15 05:55:00 Disclaimer: the following is not intended as professional medical advice, although it may make you laugh as humor is, after all, the best medicine.In this installment, we answer a reader's questions regarding arachnophilia gone wild.Dr. Annie:Is it possible to get an STD from oral sex with a giant mutated spider? How about a scorpion?Sign me Concerned.Dear Concerned,I'm concerned too. There are two issues to address here. First of all, that's not a spider, but a very bad case of crabs. Although the woman appears to be tossing her head back in pleasure, she is actually writhing in agony from severe twat itch. She is a model so she gets paid to pretend she's actually enjoying cunning linguist from a giant spider, but the truth is she is just an airbrushed bimbo bitching about how men get to scratch their balls all the time in public, while women have to deploy discreet maneuvers.Who can blame her? Let me tell you something, the next time I see some dude fondling his huevos in pub Read more:Spiderman
Planet Manola: Dating Sucks Ass 2007-05-20 16:21:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.Ah, puppy love! So young, naive, hopeful and utterly blind!LOVE IN THE TIME OF DIARRHEAActually, who are we kidding? Most grown-ups have their heads up their asses when it comes to love. Case in point: my dear friend Yvette, who does not have her head up her ass, but has dated many assholes -- literally.I can count one hand the number of times in my life I have uttered to another human being the words, "I have diarrhea." There are lots of other ways to say that you are unwell. Saying that your stomach is upset does the job nicely. Saying that you have a stomach "thing" is universally understood. But the professor said, "I have horrible, horrible diarrhea!"Now, even though I refrain from dating in my present life, I still take to heart some very sage advice Sir Fish A Lot's mother once shared with me. A retired police officer, she was the first white woman to walk a beat in Read more:Dating
BREAKING NEWS: SEX SELLS! 2007-05-19 19:52:00 Attention perverts! YOU WIN! Some genius folks who study the obvious have made it official: there are a bunch of fucking sickos out there who really use teh innernets! Woo-hoo! That's a brilliant, earth-shattering, paradigm-shifting realization: SEX SELLS BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE SEX! ORLLY?Maybe President Hairy Twat is right! 89% of all pornography is produced in the US, so there really is more than one "internets," if you think about it! OURS and THEIRS! God Bless HOmerica: the only hypocritically Puritanical nation that expresses moral outrage about the word HO and yet produces more porn and insulting lyrics than any other country on the planet! These are amazing statistics, considering that Miami is home to Bang Brothers and other successful pornographers! Geez and I thought Miami is a totally back-assward Third World Country! My, how do we even think about sex in Miami when we are all a bunch of yahoos who fry bananas and talk funny compared to our highly intelligent, cu Read more:BREAKING NEWS
Urban Beach Week Sizzles Fo' Shizzle! 2007-05-24 10:51:00 This weekend many of you will flee from Miami Beach
in mass exodus while others simply avoid the island like the boobonic plague. But we die-hard seasoned bitches don't let a little festivity bother us, no way. Heck, it's not like Urban
Beach Week is a category five hurricane or something. Besides, Urban Beach Week is a lot safer than Extreme Republican Congressmen and Televangelists Beach Week -- an event so sinister, I bet you never even heard about it, huh?MEMORIALIZE THISColleen Dougher at Citylink writes a fabulous survey of survival tips from top folks in the local hip-hop scene.Alex at Stuck on the Palmetto questions if increased police presence means white people are all a bunch of fearful, racist dumb fucks. Join the debate!Please to be Fanless drnk photojournalist d00d again!Oh, and whatever you do, don't forget to take a moment on Monday to honor those who have served our country!Animated mock ad by Manola originally published in April 2006. Don't give me shit about
Citylink: Sexual Yoga 2007-05-24 10:43:00 "I had just met a tall, ripped blond at the spa. I kneeled demurely in front of this complete stranger, hesitating to look up at his piercing blue eyes. It was awkward at first. We gazed at each other, not knowing what to expect. I tried not to be overcome by the manly vibes beaming from his hot body. Slowly, we started to breathe in unison, my ample bosom trying to keep up with the rhythm of his heaving chest. He was drawing me in to him. And then …"Read my latest column at Citylink for more of this titillating story!tags: sex, yoga, relationshipsYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Sexual
Hurricane Season Boyfriend 2007 2007-05-29 10:36:00 Harry, take me to the salon, darling! Women of South Florida: it's that time of the year again! I know you've been busy fussing to and fro botox appointments, but have you prepared for hurricane season?Granted, I'm well aware we single gals over the age of 150 question the usefulness of men in our lives, but let's face it, a penis with a body attached to it is very handy from June to November!In my relentless pursuit of convenience over effort, I made a huge sacrifice last week -- I actually gave up a pedicure appointment to do a little consumer investigative reporting!IS THAT A CAULKING GUN IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?Don't bother with Ho Depot. The mega supplier still only carries plywood, flashlights and battery-operated fans. But if you can't resist the temptation, stop by for tasty cheese arepas and Sabrett hot dogs. As well, satisfy your green thumb and disdain of frugality at the nursery, where you can buy perennials that will be utterly destroye Read more:Season
Planet Manola: Is Your Bunghole Spotty? 2007-06-04 10:15:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.MIAMI BLEACHIntrepid New Times reporter Joanne Green wanders into a waxing salon on South Beach and discovers bunghole bleaching. Just when you thought human beings couldn't possibly be more vain and shallow, a genius invents Anal Bleach Cream. Let me tell you something: if you are peering at my asshole, you better not fucking complain about the shade of its complexion. Have some manners, you sicko!Now here's a product we must have! Where did I put the phone number of that pharmaceutical company exec who brought me drinks at ... ?CYBERSPACE VS. MEATSPACEWhat's up with people trying to hook up through blogs? Just because a woman writes about sex doesn't mean she's advertising her interest in dating to the world. Let me tell you something: a blog is not a fucking personals ad. You want to date? Go to fucking mismatch.com, ok? As a matter of fact, the author of this blo
Planet Manola: Kooks vs. Books 2007-06-08 08:33:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently. I want to see pictures of boys' pee pees!VAMOS TO HELLJust because we simply haven't had enough warmongering among the males of the local blogosphere about the clusterfuck known as the "Miami-Dade School Board Does Not Heart a Book Called Vamos a Cuba," let's look at some of Manola's favorite reads, which have been considered unsuitable for the tender minds of innocent Americans.Decameron by Boccacio: Call Homeland Security! All those damn Italians yapping about Muslims having orgies!Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller: All those damn American expat writers having sex with French whores in Paris and washing their genitals in bidets! Ew!As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner: You sicko, your dead mother is not a MILF!Canterbury Tales by Chaucer: That Wife of Bath was some skanky old ho!Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence: Crippled husband with no penis? Yum! Can I ha Read more:Kooks
, Books
Planet Manola: Tancredolandia 2007-06-18 13:17:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.BREAKING NEWS! We interrupt this blog to stray from the subject of sex!Greetings, citizens of the world, far and wide. It has come to my attention that communication is a major issue in third world countries such as Darfur Miami. So Maestra Manola Finlandia, an expert in Spanglish who teaches at the Ritz Carlos School of Language, has taken on a philanthropic mission paralleled only by Bradgelina to teach the world the language of the new America.Listen, screw all the news. Many of you bitch about Hispanics but none of you have paid any thought to this very interesting phenomenon: the hard-working, highly-intellectual Cuban-Americans raised in Miami who aren't some yahoos living in mud huts. My Cubanos ... you know who you are and I'm not talking about stogies! It's time we made a statement and flung some verbal frituras de bacalao out into the world!THIS IS FUCKING A
Chorizo or Wienerschnitzel? 2007-06-22 11:52:00 So, does size really matter? Manola's hero, the fabulous and gorgeous sex educator Alessandra Rampolla once gave this advice (translated here):Gordito or flaquito? "It's better for it to be wider than longer."What size? "I have a friend who said that the perfect man would have three penises: a small one for anal sex, a medium one for vaginal sex and a big one for oral sex."Ladies, what do you think?If you speak Spanish, enjoy this hilarious yet erudite interview by Jaime Bayle on all things dick!Glumbert clip via email from a wonderful new neighbor!tag: penis, jaime baily, alessandra rampolla, glumbert, you tubeYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Chorizo
Planet Manola: Sowing Your Wild Oats 2007-06-29 09:22:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently. If you are easily offended, do not read on! "Comfort me with apples for I am sick of love. His left hand is under my head and his right hand doth embrace me." -- Song of SchlomoMemo to Employees of Wild Oats in South Beach: Although we embrace the diversity of our employees and respect your tongues, we kindly ask that you please refrain from referring to cunninilingus in the presence of our customers. Kind regards, Human Resources DepartmentOVERHEARD AT WILD OATS YESTERDAYClerk: Yo Ricky, where's Rocko?Cashier: Lo vi saliendo del carro despues de mamar su geva. (I saw him get out of the car after he went down on his bitch.)Clerk: How do you know?Cashier: (rubs hand over mouth): He was wiping it off, man.Clerk: So where is he now?Cashier (shrugs shoulders): I don't know.What if the same conversation had taken place at Kosher World? Sofi also overhears plenty of inter Read more:Sowing
Sassy Chick Speaks Her Mind 2007-06-26 20:48:00 Samba Jalapeño may only be two years old, but she's definitely becoming South Beach's favorite party animal! Hopefully she won't get pulled over for drunk flying like Parrot Hilton.tags: macaw, parrot, video, humorYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Sassy
Manola Does Miami: Flapjack or Arepa? 2007-07-03 16:56:00 EPISODE 1 Manola ventures out to the suburbs of Miami
, only to find that a vibrator is useful in traffic and that the landscape reminds her of mammograms. tags: miami, humor, audioPhoto courtesy of yours truly with additional nuttiness and talent by srcohiba.You won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Independence Day 2007-07-05 12:07:00 JL asked to marry me within five minutes of meeting. He said Haitian men have a special "ting" for Cuban women, but of course he did not believe at first I was Cuban; considering that my big fat Cuban ass might be confused for an albino beluga whale, I'm not surprised.He told me that Haitians don't like Dominicans because they shoot people on the border. This and more in his tale of woe; a story I've heard hundreds of times from my own people and others, the story that makes Miami a special place, a confluence of hearts and desires for freedom, very much like the gulfstream -- a current that constantly pulls us out of our comfort zones unless we learn to adjust our sails and navigate in its fickle yet determined path.He repeated "you know what I'm sayin" after each sentence, which honestly was very annoying to me, after which my thoughts drifted to Toussaint L'Ouverture, the Bolivar of the slaves, legendary leader of a horrific bloody revolution that made Haiti the first Caribbea Read more:Independence
, Independence Day
An Affair of the Heart 2007-07-14 01:48:00 Love is the greatest gift of all: the binding of love, the fire of love, the freedom of love.Last Saturday, Maria (that's me, the creator of Manola Blablablanik and author of Sex and the Beach), was hospitalized for acute atrial fibrillation. My heart started going beserk early in the morning, beating irregularly and shooting upwards of 250. (Normal resting heart rate for a woman my age is 70 beats per minute.) My blood pressure also skyrocketed to 150 over 90 (the ideal is 120 over 80).I'm not going to bore you with the details of my stay at South Miami Hospital, but I will tell you this: I'm finally out of the cardiac ward and my heart received a clean bill of health.Unfortunately, the good news doesn't rule out atrial fibrillation. According to my doctor, a relatively healthy young heart can still suffer; in fact, I may have had this most of my adult life, the condition masked as anxiety. Since I left the hospital, I've had one episode, far less intense and very shor Read more:Affair
, Heart
Greetings from Mayami Beesh 2007-08-12 11:27:00 Drink to me only with thine eyes. Life is good when nothing is taken for granted.Hello everyone! Thank you for your kind inquiries with regards to the state of my health. Although Maria is still on hiatus from Sex and the Beach, correspondent Manola Finlandia has volunteered to report.Maria is working on her tang and spending time with frengs ... manola, hugh macleod, stormhoek, wine, blog, audioYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Greetings
Just Passing By 2007-08-21 13:51:00 Marían was an old friend of mine who dropped out of my life for no reason. I say no reason, but of course there's always a reason why we cross each other's paths, fall in and fall out or stay put.We are all teachers and students of the one constant that needs reminding: compassion.Marían and I had traveled together to Spain twice and our families were close; she had asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding; she had a key to my apartment in Miami; she was the kind of friend who'd show up with a cold bottle of Chardonnay if she'd had a fight with her man; my door was always open, my heart available to console.On this day, we wandered the forest near Miraflores de la Sierra, an area north of Madrid where she had spent many blissful summer childhood days. We had just eaten a wholesome, filling lunch at an inn where she had shared the same plate of beans, the same asparagus and the same cool wine with her mother. It’s as if a still life had remained fresh, without getting stal
Clipped Wings 2007-08-21 13:03:00 But mommy, if you're wings aren't clipped, then why can't you fly?If you can't have Manola, would you enjoy a little Maria? Here goes: I am writing and drawing again but in a totally different vein, no pun intended. Let the words fall where they may. I'm not going to start a new blog just because my style, tone and content aren't always Manola. Honestly, does it really matter? Please indulge the growing pains. And above all, thank you for your faith and love. Drawing by yours truly. See more on Flickr.cartoon, drawingYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Wings
The Dissolusionment of Love 2007-08-31 22:12:00 Is it love that I'm feeling? Or incontinence? Every woman ought to know the difference!Yes, that's a new word I coined: dissoluble + disillusioned = dissolusionment. I think I can retire now, thank you. What woman shall cast the first tampon? What woman cannot relate to this? Drawn at The Abbey, Miami Beach.Disclaimer: this cartoon in no way whatsoever pays homage to Hugh Macleod. I've been drawing for donkey's ages, long before I met this man. I can't help it if he likes to draw on business cards and Lord knows I can't control myself if a legal pad, tablecloth, firm ass or other surface amenable to my scrawls just happens to leap at me when I have a pen in my hand.cartoon, vagina, relationshipsYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Flat Manola 2007-08-31 22:00:00 Self-portrait inspired by geek blogger dinner featuring Hugh Macleod et. al. at a pizza joint in Miami. Just in case you were wondering if my compulsion to draw was spurious, here is an actual specimen that has been crinkled up in my purse for nearly four weeks. I'm not guaranteeing that this will be the last cartoon I'll ever draw on a greasy paper tablecloth.Hell, I'll draw on the truffle-oil stained embroidered napkin handed to me by the sommelier, thank you.I'll even draw on your ass if it's firm enough!I've always labeled myself as an artisan of words AND images. It's a strange feeling to want to capture the moment both verbally and visually. I suppose the art of cartooning satisfies, but it relies heavily on le mot juste and the punctum. Brevity is key. A light bulb lit. A flash of something -- then all is gone.OK, screw the big fucking words. It either works or it doesn't. And when you can laugh at yourself, you know it does.Manola was born from a time in my life
Apple's New Heartpod 2007-08-30 17:00:00 Oh my! I haven't written about sex in so long, I forgot where to put my pasties!Check out my new groovy holter monitor! How cool would it be to have an iPhone, iPod and holter monitor all in one? Steve Jobs needs to call me!Seriously, got fitted today for a second round of monitoring since I first returned home from the hospital due to a recurrence of palpitations and some rapid heart rate. But nothing nearly as serious as my experience in July. Just checking the ticker, that's all.Thanks to all of you for your emails and comments. I'm still gathering energy for a future full of bawdiness with Manola, Dr. Annie Steelclit and maybe even videocasts with Professor Manola Finlandia! In the meantime, expect a few cartoons. I'm in a drawing mood lately.tags: apple, pod, holter monitor, heart, cardiacYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Apple
Steelclit: Conversation With Bill Gates 2007-09-26 05:13:00 Unscripted and improvised.Bill Gates
calls Dr. Annie Steelclit for some much needed advice about sex, but gets a great investment tip instead."Women don't care about money, Bill. It's all about the hair.""The woman who writes this blog is a cheap ho. You can buy her for five million and turn Sex and the Beach into a Jenna Jameson empire.""It's kinda like vodka, but family-sized vodka."tags: you tube, humor, comedy, steelclit, microsoft, facebook, bill gatesYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Conversation
, Bill Gates
Sexcrunch: Good Positions, Bad Boys 2007-09-26 05:10:00 All the news that's fit for bed, served between the sheets. Don't ever say you aren't getting any!AMERICA, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTERTechmeme notes a recent study by advertising agency JWT that examines just how antsy Americans feel when separated from their cellphones and computers. As a matter of fact, some of them would rather finger a keyboard instead of their partners. America, listen up: if you're more interested in Twittering than achieving deep emotional intimacy, then at least get off your fat ass and go fuck somebody! (Consensually, of course.) Haven't you ever heard the phrase: use it or lose it? Otherwise, guys, your penis is going to shrink to the size of a raisin and ladies, your vagina will shut down faster than a bilge pump on a sinking boat. [Gaping Void on Twitter]SEXUAL POSITIONS FOR DUMMIESIs it any wonder then that a computer application can help us sexually impaired, tech-addicted Americans find bump and grind bliss? After all, it's hard enough to fin Read more:Bad Boys
zOMG b00bz video 2007-09-23 18:21:00 tags: you tube, boobs, humor, video
, apple, comedy,facebook,myspaceYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
A Drop of Water in the Ocean 2007-09-21 14:22:00 Why would you want baubles and beads, when the most precious jewel beats inside of you?Today I have the honor, pleasure and pride of announcing that I will blogging on a professional basis with Stephanie Quilao, publisher of four fabulous blogs: Back In Skinny Jeans, Simplr, Tinseltini and Noshtopia.The first blog focuses on health, wellness, diet and body image, among other women-friendly topics. Simplr is just as its namesake implies – simplifying technology. Tinseltini celebrates famous folk over 35. And finally, Noshtopia gives a much-needed good name to healthy snacking. I’ll let Stephanie tell you more, in her own words.Stephanie is a beautiful, courageous woman whom I deeply admire. Our business relationship stems from a friendship forged online and phone (she lives in San Francisco) and is a living testament to the good that can come when the positive energy of like-minded people is harnessed on electronic media.My career background couldn’t be any more different t Read more:Ocean
Bloggers Anonymous 2007-09-14 00:07:00 Oops! My name is Manola and I'm a blogger.tags: cartoon, parody, blog, alcoholYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
How 'Bout Dem Apples? 2007-09-13 21:45:00 This cartoon is dedicated to Fanless, the b00bz crusader par excellence!So like the other day, my hard-ass friends were giving me shit because I didn't know about Guy Kawasaki. Hello? Unless you're Buddha, Jesus, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Angelina Jolie or my parents, please have your receptionist call mine and maybe we can do lunch.Listen to Manola's unexpected Southern Baptist evangelist cousin chime in for a religous rant with a totally fake accent! This ignorant, back-assward blogger confesses she doesn't give a shit about blogosphere celebrity. Don't get her wrong ... it's not about the bloggers, it's about the hype!We apologize in advance for the crappy quality of the audio. We also apologize for the customary irreverence and disrespect. The truth is, we do appreciate the hard work, talent and worldly influence of so many folk who have forged ahead in our era of electronic communication ... but seriously, shall we grieve if we not know wherefore Guy Kawasaki? Kawasaki Read more:Apples
Silicon Chips vs. Silicon Tits 2007-09-07 08:56:00 Inspired by a true story of sexual harassment way yonder in California but also my current musings on the web 2.0 phenomenon, which are both favorable and unfavorable. Most people barely have the emotional skill sets to have real relationships in meatspace; life online only complicates matters. It's a catch-22: the internet brings people together, but also has the potential to kill intimacy.I still feel it's a tool, a means to an end, as easily manipulated by the end user as a good white lie and a poker face in conversation. Intuition is difficult to muster without flesh and bone and a voice to gauge. I do spend much time online because of my writing and art, but I also set boundaries in order to harvest what's best for me from that enormous net I've thrown into the sea.This phenomenon is particularly interesting for my generation because I didn't grow up on web 2.0, but I'm still young enough to be growing up on whatever new webs we are currently weaving (3.0? 4.0? 5.0? I Read more:Silicon
, Chips
Recommend Site To A Friend
