Owner: Sex and the Beach URL:http://sexandthebeach.blogspot.com Join Date: Sun, 13 Aug 2006 12:44:42 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: You won't find me on the side of a bus. I AM THE BUS! Manola BBB is a semi-fictional character and the pen name of a wordsmith born, raised, praised and laid in the magic city. She tackles all subjects sex and love with nutty humor! Site statistics:Click here
Dr. Annie Steelclit Reviews Shveckle 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Martin Scorcese, move over. Schveckle's in da house. Actually, it's Brooklyn! Fuckin' A!If you enjoyed celebrity sunglassses, well here's a sneak peak at an underground, somewhat anonymous and very opinionated eyeball!Yeah, but the thing is, adjectives aside, she really IS the next Scorcese of Brooklyn! Check out her extraordinary street photography on Flickr.tags: you tube, shveckle, critic, interview, video, humorYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Annie
Planet Manola 2007-03-02 04:31:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.Thanks for the MammariesMarch 8th International Women's Day! If you've got tits and ovaries, here's your chance to flaunt them, along with your heart, mind and soul. (And no, silicon implants DO NOT COUNT.) Take time on this day to consider how far women have come in history and what more we need to do to make this world a better place.Feast Not FamineSpeaking of making the world a better place ... at the turn of the year, Stephanie from Back in Skinny Jeans tagged me for beauty predictions. Here's what I think (and hope) will happen:In 2007, those of us who have been misguided in obsessing over thisinstead of this... will realize how ridiculous it is to starve our bodies and souls for the illusory promise of happiness based wholly on looks and not action. Instead, we will take good care of our bodies and most importantly, we will be more selfless in aiding those who are
Citylink: Sex and the Animals 2007-03-07 18:04:00 I am woman, hear me roar! That's not a far cry from a byline photo. I could definitely smack my chompers on Jake Gyllenhaal!At long last, I'm making my debut as Citylink's new sex columnist. In the first column, I review Ron Magill's educational, laugh-your-ass-off Sex and the Animals
presentation at Miami Metrozoo. Don't miss all the raving about walrus penises and chimpanzees in estrus!If you've come here by way of Citylink and are a Sex and the Beach virgin, slip into something comfortable, pour a glass of your favorite poison and cuddle by the ac with some classic Manola. The archives are chock full of favorites, here are just a few:City of Miami Beach To Fund Pubic Hair Removal in Sanitation PolicyFood Foe Kate Moss Warms Up to the Plate with Real South Beach DietJaundiced Tranny Bozo Found Posing for South Beach Escort AdsSouth Beach Miniskirt Crisis Boosts Imports of Antibacterial Fabric in Aftermath of Vaginal Excretion EpidemicPaleontologists Unearth Rare Carnivoro
Anne Coulter Does Not Speak for Me 2007-03-10 19:48:00 Manola doesn't like to discuss politics, but when a foul-mouthed mysoginist with breasts attacks the very core of people with ovaries worldwide, weapons must be brandished. Make no mistake, we love us some freedom of speech here at Sex and the Beach. A crazy-eyed, stick-figured blonde who calls politicians faggots has the right to say whatever the fuck she wants, even if it's stupid, tasteless and embarrasing. Sure, go ahead and yap all you want, but we're not going to empower such discourse. We're not going to play doormat to your pumps, bitch.The fine ladies at the Center for the Advancement of Women have put together a petition that I hope you will sign.Go spin the wheel.Via the fabulous Stephanie.tags: anne coulter, petition, feminismYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Coulter
Samba Jalapeño's Hatchday! 2007-03-13 06:03:00 Hey y'all, I hatched just two years ago but boy oh boy has a lot happened since! You may remember me as the world-famous model, Parrot Hilton. My mommy totally exploited my young chick good looks. OMG it was so Pretty Baby. But you know what? I've cashed in my residual royalty checks and am now living the life o' birdy.Squawk! Ok, I am totally kidding. But seriously, I was named after the fact that my mommy loves Brazilian music and I look like a semi-ripe pepper, green on the outside, red under the wings (wink, wink). And in between the red and green -- aside from my spicy personality, of course, I'm such a bla bla bla bird, let me tell ya -- I boast shades of blue that will make the heron across the street ashamed! I'm a bird's bird!My mommy, Manola Blablablanik is so nuts, cool and groovy, I just want to eat her furniture. Do you know what it's like to live with a nutty loopy semi-reclusive writer 24/7? OMG I have to talk and shit ... get a load of this, not only do Read more:Samba
Planet Manola 2007-03-13 01:55:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.Model: You blow. Doll: Yeah, but at least my wanker is bigger than your thighs!WANTED: HIALEAH SANTERO TO "DESPOJAR" MIAMI BEACH APARTMENTDo you remember the Chronicles of Crackass? Well wouldn't ya know: yet another door-knocking episode late Saturday night chez Manola! I repeat: my building is a respectable, clean, well-lighted place and yet this one apartment next door is surely some bermuda triangle vortex of weirdness.The couple who lives next door have shown signs of marital strife for a few weeks now. First, there was a mysterious break-in, which I believe was an inside job and not the work of an errant burglar. After the break-in, which brought nearly a dozen policemen to the property on foot and even on a watercraft to reconnoiter the canal, she had a breakdown and started to scream her head off. Even though their fighting sounded muffled through the concrete
A Speedo Delivery 2007-03-15 00:31:00 Why can't this package be dropped of at my door? Stud, hunk, scandalmonger and actor Bobby Larios seen here carrying his weight on South Beach.Photography courtesy of Mavrix Chatter. Copyright Mavrix Photo, Inc.tags: bobby larios, south beach, speedo, celebrityYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Speedo
, Delivery
Manola is Forever Enigmatic 2007-03-18 03:53:00 I'd walk three blocks and whore out a bunch o' links for this man. Crap, I did!You won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Forever
Planet Manola 2007-03-20 18:05:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.Manola's Glamorous WorkdayIn case you think Manola's glamorous celebrity workday involves being devoured by Colin Farrell, buying shoes, going for a pedicure and fielding non-stop phone calls from admirers, think again. Just look at my desktop.I don't believe in multi-tasking and neither does Some Cranky Guy. What's the point of doing a million things at lightning speed? Why can't the world just do ONE THING RIGHT? No wonder everyone has ADD now. Yeah, that's right. I'm Addicted to Ding Dongs. Aren't you?Oh, but I really love my widgets. Mac widget developers, please consider creating one called dildo, another serving the function of nap and pretty please, one that gives insta-shoulder rubs. Well, at least I have English to Pirate Translator on my dashboard. Random Celebrity Smooching on Miami BeachAs per usual, some famous dudes were sort of having sex on the be
Abscess of Malice 2007-03-19 22:08:00 What a trooper. I've been planting smooches on boys with Mc ... as a last name since childhood!DISCLAIMER: ACTUAL QUESTION SUBMITTED BY TRUE FRIEND AND LOYAL READER. NO SCOTTISH BROGUES OR MIGHTY PENILE ORGANS WERE TOUCHED OR HARMED IN THE PROCESS.Dear Manola 180,The other night, I went on a date with a man that I recently met online. I thought this guy was cool, but I am a bit of a germaphobe, so you can imagine how dismayed I was to hear, during dinner, that he sees no reason to wash his hands after going to the bathroom, especially at home. While I was contemplating what I imagined to be the various assortment of biological specimens now growing on the stem of his wine glass, my date stuck his index finger in his mouth and started to feel around his gums. The ill-mannered gesture took me so by surprise that I was totally unprepared for him to do it AGAIN. While I chattered on about who-knows-what, this fellow rooted around the inside of his mouth like he was looking for last Read more:Malice
Breaking News! Manola Can't Afford To Be Sperminated! 2007-03-22 18:41:00 Was Immaculate Conception the Original Safe Sex?Insurance companies suck ass. Who do they think they are? The Catholic Church? Holy Mother Mary, is this what you had to deal with when you popped Jesus out in the manger? Fuckin' A! You know, that's what I call a calvary. Why didn't the three wise men bring you insurance coverage?I pay just over $200 in health insurance each month, which is a real steal for a freelance writer, trust me. Knock on wood, I barely have to use my insurance -- no meds, but wouldn't it be lovely if they covered Belvedere Bellevue-Is-An-Insane-Asylym Vodka? I mean, why are booze and blood-sucking insurance policies labeled as premiums? Crazy!But guess what? My renewal policy, which arrived in the mail today, tells me that if I want to fuck around knowing the ob/gyn will get paid enhance my current coverage, I'm going to have to fork over some extra dough. "Above premiums do not include pregnancy. For maternity coverage, add $110 per month. A 15-mont Read more:Breaking
Pervy Lounge 2007-03-25 18:41:00 There's a hot spot in South Beach that combines the intimate feel of a jazz lounge with the energy of a dance club. And by intimate, I mean that last night my shirt absorbed the sweat of many strangers as my breasts inadvertently collided with various and sundry sleeveless, strapless and horny humans of both the male and female persuasions, with perhaps a few in between or undecided. And by energy, I mean that we can stop having a war in Iraq over oil, because if you could just bottle and harness the release of the pent-up sexual energy that nearly blew the roof off the building, the so-called energy crisis would be no more.Yes, I went clubbing last night for approximately 2 hours for the first time in a few years. Better yet: I got carded at 39 years young!Now, when I was a wee chick, I used to get my dance on at institutions like the Hameo and The Bitchin' Club. Dance floors were for dancing and when you wanted to swap spit or grope your lover you practiced discretion and
When Life Throws You Manolos, Walk the Talk 2007-03-30 07:03:00 WE INTERRUPT THIS HUMOROUS BLOG JUST BECAUSE VAGINAS WITH BRAINS EVERYWHERE HAVE SOMETHING TO SPEW ... OR SQUIRT ... OR GOD FORBID -- SPEAK!I'm taking off my heels and showing my calloused feet. It aint easy walkin' or bloggin' in stilletos, trust me. And as my regular readers know, occasionally I kick back and write as Maria, the author of this blog, and not as Manola. Surely, something far more serious other than the bank heist in my neighborhood must've happened this week for me to remove the mask of fiction and simply state: it's not funny anymore.Bear with this narrative maze -- it's all connected in a Mrs. Dalloway kind of way.To wit: I've been pondering the whole Kathy Sierra issue for days on end, but that story is stuck in my other hard drive, which I can't even access via firewire G4-to-Powerbook cable, because my monitor decided to pull an Anna Nicole on me ... oh, so bad. Anna, I know you'd laugh with me.So the post I've been writing for days might as well b
Afterwords 2007-03-30 16:00:00 Maria promises: inane, silly, goofy and cornball sexual humor from Manola returning to this blog real soon ... but in the meantime, I just wanted to say:GET STONEDIn keeping my eyes, ears and heart open, I receive messages and learn, even when those messages are hurtful or uncomfortable and unfamiliar, especially if they are directed to me, but all the same if someone else is the target. And so it comes as no surprise that in the past few days with many of my neighbors preparing for Passover, I "crossed paths" (I love that idea) with a quote from the bible that sheds some light on the Kathy Sierra issue, which is -- at the end of the day -- a gift and an opportunity to reflect on who we are as human beings in a community.Don't for a moment think I'm a religious freak. Heck, I'm not even Jewish. As a matter of fact, what's the deal with price gouging during Passover? I went to Kosher World (around the corner on Arthur Godfrey) the other day to buy a couple of provisions and yo
Helen of Oy and Her Three Husbands 2006-04-03 16:38:00 Helen was born in Hungary 94 and a half years ago. Her family owned a saloon where all the farmworkers would come to quench their thirst and addle their brains after a long day at the field. Helen's grandma was a tough-as-nails barkeep. Her muddy, alcohol-soaked leather boots were worn at the heels. That tough lady would kick burly, drunken men out the door -- literally.Helen, to look at her today, she couldn't hurt a fly, but she inherited that spunk in her blood.During the early years of Helen's womanhood, she had no idea of the future that would bring her, after a much convoluted route, to a little apartment just off Arthur Godfrey Road. Yes, although Helen was born in Hungary, she would spend most of her life on Miami Beach.And I, Manola, who has quite a bit of bark, but still rides on a relatively soft thirtysomething spine to back up her bite, would be honored to have crossed paths with such a remarkable woman. Manola never had a grandmother. All separated by the divide of exi Read more:Helen
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Steelclit: South Beach Vagina Cream 2007-04-07 21:28:00 Disclaimer: the following is not intended as professional medical advice, although it may make you laugh as humor is, after all, the best medicine.In this the first of hopefully many "Ask Dr. Steelclit" installments, we attempt to answer actual search engine queries that have tricked hapless and unsuspecting visitors into our seductive lair. Don't ever say we don't aim to please!SOUTH BEACH VAGINA CREAM"I Googled SouthBeach
Vagina Cream
and found your site. Have you heard of it?" -- Itching in the UKHmm ... no, actually I've never heard of it, unless you mean "cream" as a verb and I'm pretty sure you don't. While there are many OTC products available for vaginal conditions such as yeast infections, none exist that specifically address the condition of South Beach
. Perhaps some greedy pharmaceutical company should seize the potential to sell this snake oil to millions of gullible tourists. In any case, here in the land of sun and fun such a cream would have to satisfy many w
A Ho By Any Other Name 2007-04-11 16:00:00 separated at birthDear Don Imananus,While I abhor your use of the word "ho" in an insulting context against "nappy headed" female athletes, I'd like you to consider that the following alternatives to your shock jock speech -- "trollops with unwashed tresses," "wanton hussies with unkept hair," or "harlots with hoary skulls" -- are just as insulting.It's not what you say, it's how you say it.Still, I don't think you should be fired unless Donald Trump says so. But getting a prostate massage with porcupine hide might do you wonders. And for pete's sake, do something about your hair! It's so seventies!More at Burnettiquette.tags: don imus, donald trumpYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Citylink: Porn the One You Love 2007-04-13 02:15:00 For this month's sex and relationships column at Citylink, I covered the Exxxotica sex convention in Miami Beach on March 31st. Even if porn isn't your "cup of squirt," surely you'll be titillated by vibrating gloves, prostate massagers, behind-the-scenes talk with hot porn stars like Randy Spears and so much more!"... had just discussed the pleasures of masturbation with me, even mentioning a friend who had married his own hand. And so it seemed like destiny that ..." So what are you waiting for? IT'S TOTALLY SAFE FOR WORK!Go read and come back y'all for some not-so-naughty photographs and memories of Exxxotica 2006. Just make sure to wash your hands first, ok?tags: exxxotica, randy spears, miami beachYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Ay Papi! 2007-04-12 11:18:00 This is so perfect for Miami ...tags: orgasm, car alarm, orgasalarm, humorYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
Third World vs. White Trash Hoochie 2007-04-19 06:57:00 Too easy to resist ... tags: yfly, smack talk, tom tancredo, satire, britney spears, parody, hoochieYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:World
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, Trash
, Third World
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I'm Too Sexy For My Novel 2007-04-20 21:15:00 Will the real hot writer step forward ...BREAKING NEWS! PARIS HILTON IS TOO HOT TO WRITE NOVELS!NPR reports that Christie's is auctioning a portrait of Jane Austen, but some scholars on locarb hallucinogenic diets experts have expressed doubts as to the authenticity of the subject portrayed:Some skeptics have argued that the short hair and empire-waist dress weren't stylish until Austen, who was born in 1775, was much older. They say that the young girl in the painting is just too pretty to be the author of Pride and Prejudice.ORLLY? Ya know, I wish I were still doing graduate coursework in literature, because inquiring minds want to know: just what exactly is too pretty to write a crappy porn screenplay that you sell to millions without any literary redemeeing value novel? What's more, who are these skeptics? Joe Francis? Mayhaps the panel of judges at South Beach Best Butt contest?Now mind you, after sitting through week-long doctoral exams that got all medieval on my ass, I mus
Sexy Beach Chick Boudoir Portrait 2007-04-22 03:56:00 "Today my mommy was cleaning the bedroom and she pulled out the duster, which looks like a big red bird. I hate Mr. Duster. He makes me ruffle my feathers!"Sexy beach chick is also a naughty bird.tags: macaw, cuteYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach
. Read more:Portrait
Sexy Beach Chick Loves Manola 2006-05-24 23:30:00 My name is Samba Jalapeño. Some of you may recognize me from the world-renown portrait of Parrot Hilton.As you can see I am just as mischievous as my mommy, Manola Blablablanik. Even though I hatched just 14 months ago, I also have the gift of gab and can bla bla bla for hours in macaw. But today, mommy is proud to announce that I said "I LOVE YOU" loud and clear for the first time! And I meant it, too!You won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach
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Tropical Sex Tips 2006-03-19 02:31:00 "Dear Manola 180: I'm really disappointed with the 'warming effect' of KY's new product line. What do you recommend?"Nutmeg oil from the isle of spice -- Grenada -- is hot, hot, hot. Add a few drops to KY and see the sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight!"Dear Manola 180: How do I trap my man?"Well, Manola NEVER recommends trapping anything, including fur. However, if you must, nothing attracts a man through his stomach and nose like a woman's scent, according to Caribbean folklore. Squat over a pot of rice and let the steam create a one-of-a-kind aphrodisiac. Serve this "sweat rice" warm and garnish with hibiscus flower.Good luck!Manola 180You won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Tropical
Planet Manola: Strap On! 2007-04-28 03:03:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently. Don't laugh! Absolutely adorable Anna from across the pond knows that sex toys aren't always the key to happiness!SPERMALICIOUSIt's official! Sex and the Beach has crossed over into six digits, receiving 100,000 page loads this afternoon! Eh, seriously, who cares? What's 100K when some jackass jerking off at internet porn produces up to 500 million sperm?So in honor of this momentous non-ejaculatory event, I'd like to ponder the following questions:1. Would Rainman count each and every sperm?2. What if fertility clinics had Technorati rankings? "Over 71 million sperm, some of them have to be good."3. Can "sorry, I'm allergic to your sperm" be a good break-up line?4. We know sperm is vegan but is a strap-on kosher?5. Will insurance companies cover repetitive stain injuries on a fluffer?STRAPPING FELLASSpeaking of fluff, huff and puff, there's a new kid in town: South Read more:Strap
Planet Manola: Jealous Bitch! 2007-04-27 02:23:00 Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.33139 is a culturally sophisticated neighborhood, look it: little red riding ho and bladder bro piss the night away in mojitoville!BUILD CONTENT AND THEY WILL CUM!zOMG! I got my first hate comment! So exciting! You know, you're not famous until someone hates you, so I guess Manola is honest-to-goodness famous now. And you know what? Since Manola is the semi-fictional fabricated voice of a persona created by the author of this blog with the intention of producing humorous yet thoughtful content, it really doesn't matter a rodent's rump what anyone who hasn't bothered to read all 207 posts thinks.Ah ha! How exciting is it to be labeled as a vapid celebrity-mongering bimbo when your author is a professional wily wordsmith who doesn't give a shit about Miami?Yeah, buildings, schmildings! Why would an award-winning published poet and rogue cartoonist who practices yoga giv Read more:Jealous
, Bitch
Tender Is The Surf 2007-04-23 21:57:00 Christian Slater and hot gal pal were caught smooching on the beach this weekend.Oh my, I hope that's not an abscess in your mouth!Aw shucks, so tender ...Photography courtesy of Mavrix Chatter. Copyright Mavrix Photo, Inc.tags: christian slater, miami beach, kiss, sexyYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Tender
Sugar Daddy vs. Fucking Loser 2007-05-01 00:27:00 ***ATTENTION*** LOSERS! Did you know that in spite of being fabulous, intelligent, wealthy and successful, some men find it necessary to use a dating service to meet arm candy?If you are easily offended, do not click on the image for a larger view!tags: sugardaddie, parody, escort, dating serviceYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach. Read more:Sugar
, Daddy
, Loser
Jamón Jamón 2007-05-13 20:46:00 Just two reasons why I love Spanish food!Photography courtesy of locarbhiflavor.tags: ham, spain, sexy, hunkYou won't see me on the side of the bus! I AM THE BUS! A single woman's guide to chronic living on South Beach.
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