Owner: Schmutzie's Milkmoney Or Not, Here I Come URL:http://www.schmutzie.com Join Date: Sat, 24 Feb 2007 10:06:22 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Schmutzie writes, photographs, and codes the content, and has been since August 2003. Site statistics:Click here
#676: EGGSPOSÉ
When Starcat came down from Cosmo... 2007-04-01 18:44:00 #676: EGGSPOSÉWhen Starcat came down from Cosmo
polis for a visit last weekend, I spent part of Saturday afternoon taking photographs in and around my refrigerator. I am the hostess with the mostest. While I offered forth a fascinating photo essay about my fridge magnets from that afternoon, I did promise something in the future that I called an Eggsposé, which I have yet to make good on. I know that you and the rest of the world have been waiting with all the anxious excitement that your little bodies can contain for an entire week, and because I am a merciful and loving blogger, I will give that which was promised on this, the seventh, day.Okay, no, that's ridiculous. I took pictures of some grossly outdated eggs that I have had sitting in the door of my refrigerator for months while I had a guest visiting from out of town, which makes me a terrible host, a bad kitchen-keeper-upper, and someone who should really get another hobby if rotting poultry product is what
#675: MY THIRD POEM THIS MONTH
Fuck but youth is... 2007-03-31 18:31:00 #675: MY THIRD POEM THIS MONTHFuck but youth
is beautifulin its exercise and practice.There is no replacement for the irreplaceable, unpaced mashthat is the face full of watery plumpnessframing pink lips.Damn, I used to be there,and I hated it; it was ugly, salacious, loud;I wished there were a turnstilethrough which I could walk and purchase a different form of transport.I desiredand was repulsed by the suggestive twist in every shape and event;I wanted Plato's pure form;I wanted simplicity scrubbed clean.I scoured my skin with a green plastic scrub padand wished that I knew more than how not to live.I waded through tall grass and bushes,I felt the sting of nettles on my knees,and it made me feel old.Youth was fucking beautifulwhen I watched others turn their hips at corners and doorsor brush their fine hair back from fat skinwith ripe hands.I knew that my own youth was also watchedand that it was not mine to pickle inbut something to behold in the round bottoms and lean legs,the so
#677: HOUSEKEEPING, ETC.
Who changes her templat... 2007-04-02 21:02:00 #677: HOUSEKEEPING, ETC.Who changes
her template every three months? I do! I do! The Palinode laughs at me every time I do it, because I will lead him to the computer and say See? Isn't it just perfect? I think it's my favourite design yet, and then he replies That's exactly what you said last time. And he's right. Every time I redesign this place, it's my favourite design ever. This one? It's the best one I've ever had. I will keep it this way for an entire year. I swear.Aside:As I type this, I am dropping large penne noodles covered in oily dressing all over my lap, chair, and keyboard. Do you know how hard it is to manipulate a fork into transporting oily, rubbery pasta to your mouth while you are typing things with one hand that come out like this: A am typpinhy this with one hangd? Very hard.It reminds me of that time in grade nine orienteering (institutionalized torture of neophyte highschoolers for the enjoyment of their older peers, for those of you who do
#679: HELL, REDEMPTION, AND THE EASTER BUNNY
I w... 2007-04-04 03:28:00 #679: HELL, REDEMPTION, AND THE EASTER BUNNYI went to Shoppers Drug Mart after work to pick up my brain meds and cat food and whatnot. It was a difficult trip for me, because PMS, spring allergies, and an otherwise emotionally trying afternoon had left me a little twitchy. For example, my opening conversation with the pharmacist went a little like this:Schmutzie: I'm here to pick up my prescription.Pharmacist: [looks at me blankly]Schmutzie: Well, I'm not, obviously, because this is the counter where you drop off prescriptions. The pick-up counter is over there. [I indicate the pick-up counter with a limp hand] I mean, you've got mine in your computer, obviously, since I haven't handed you a paper prescription. [I itch the back of my left leg with my right foot and sigh overly dramatically] Wow, what a day.Pharmacist: Uh-huh. Your name please?Schmutzie: That would be Pickles, with a P. First name, Schmutzie. Hey, can I have one of those beeper devices? I always for
#678: I MAKE SOMEONE THINK, AND FIVE PEOPLE MAKE ... 2007-04-03 18:20:00 #678: I MAKE SOMEONE THINK, AND FIVE PEOPLE MAKE ME THINK, AND THOSE PEOPLE EACH HAVE FIVE OTHERS WHO MAKE THEM THINK, AND SO ON, AND SO ON, AND SO ON. IT'S LIKE THAT SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL.I have been honoured by one of my favourite bloggers out there, Sweetney. When I say honoured, I don't mean it in the way that it is used in speeches at boring events where everyone tosses around hyperbolic words like deeply and overwhelmed as though they really mean them when the truth of the matter is that they honestly don't even like most of the people in the room. No, I don't mean it like that at all.I mean it honestly. I feel honoured. Sweetney did something lovely for me right when I needed something lovely by giving me a Thinking Blogger Award. See?It means that I make her think, and it might even mean that she likes me. Swoon.So, here's the deal. This award is freely given to others by those to which it was previously freely given, meaning that it's in the form of a meme from The
"THOUGH I AM GONE"
The following ten videos compr... 2007-04-06 19:23:00 "THOUGH I AM GONE"The following ten videos
comprise the documentary "Though I Am Gone". The documentary was directed by an independent filmmaker, Hu Jie, and details one of the first deaths of China's Cultural Revolution, that of Bian Zhongyun, a teacher who was beaten to death by the Red Guards in Beijing in 1966. Teachers were targeted for being capitalist intellectuals, but the violent crimes went underreported due to their political sensitivity. 2006 marked the 40th anniversary of Bian Zhongyun's untimely death.The film was slated to be shown at the Yunan Multi Culture Visual Festival, an annual event that was to begin today, but due to the documentary's content, the entire festival has been suspended. It is doubtful that it will ever be shown in China.What I find most fascinating is her husband's initial reaction when he was told that she had been tortured and murdered. He took his camera with him and photographed her body at the scene. He is an historian and needed to r
#681: HERE'S TO HOPING
It can be very nice, and ... 2007-04-09 20:58:00 #681: HERE'S TO HOPINGIt can be very nice, and in fact crazy good, to start taking a medication that seems to do all the tricks you wanted it to do, except, of course, for the annoyance of extra sweating.It can be life-saving to find relief from claustrophobia, agoraphobia, anxiety, depression, and paranoia.Sometimes that drug you find can make you feel so good and so whole for awhile that you remember you had forgotten what it was like to want to walk out into the day.But then, and this will happen, because it should happen if you are a whole person who feels and thinks all up and down the scale: one day after all those good days you might feel very trapped again, and maybe it will last for two or three days, which will terrify you, because that is precisely the feeling you were using the medication to leave behind.I suppose that it should be alright to go off the rails occasionally, even when it is what you least expected, because you had convinced yourself that you had it covered.
"IDOL"
This film is an animated story of two gree... 2007-04-09 01:48:00 "IDOL"This film is an animatedstory
of two greedy children, but don't show it to your children just because there are kids in it and it's animated. It is eight minutes and twenty seconds of sheer disturbing.
#683: THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG
When I was about e... 2007-04-11 22:44:00 #683: THE CHICKEN AND THE EGGWhen I was about eight or nine or ten years old, my mother brought home a couple of library books for me. She handed them to me with a strange twist to her mouth and told me to read them all the way through. The cover of the first one had an illustration of a chicken on it, and the cover of the second one had an orange-hued, soft-focus photograph on it. I picked the chicken book. At the time, artsy photographs symbolized the grownup world of stultifying boringness. At least the chicken looked like it had some potential, even if did seem a little babyish.The chicken book started off innocently enough. It talked about spring and kittens and puppies and new tree growth. I was just about ready to call it quits, though, when early on it started asking those rhetorical questions that you're not supposed to answer because you are supposed to be ignorant and the book is supposed to set you straight. That's how the Jesus books went that we signed out at t
#682: A VOTE FOR SCHMUTZIE IS A VOTE FOR SCHMUTZI... 2007-04-10 17:57:00 #682: A VOTE FOR SCHMUTZIE
IS A VOTE FOR SCHMUTZIEThe obviously fabulous Sumo, whomever Sumo is, being websiteless as far as I can tell, has nominated me for the Blogger's Choice Awards.Wowzers. That's all I have. Hokey patoot.So, look up near the top of this page where I have the put some very convenient voting links and GO VOTE FOR ME. What are you waiting for?While you're doing that, I am going to go muster up some funny, the best writing of my life, and on top of all that, be the best that there is over all, because, you know, it could happen. No pressure.Is blogging while drunk called drogging or blunking? Because right now drogging while blunk sounds pretty good. If I accidentally run over your masthead or come on all don quixote in your comments later, just tuck me into a blank text document and take away my mouse. I promise not to get violent or throw up on your blogroll.
IT'S ANOTHER JOIN-THE-HERD THURSDAY. WE ARE BLEET... 2007-04-13 01:34:00 IT'S ANOTHER JOIN-THE-HERD THURSDAY. WE ARE BLEETING.The number of participants in the Collection of Spectacles blogroll numbers 87, and 87 is the number of extra special people in the Collection of Spectacles blogroll.You will now race to hand over your 70X70 thumbnails (or some image I can personally edit down), because you are exactly as fantastic as these fine folks.You really are.The latest submission comes from Kate from FreshDeuce. FreshDeuce is "...the personal - yet public - blog of the Editor-in-Chief, Kate Whelan and Contributing Editors, Ceann Lithun & Misti Whitaker." Kate is very much into the hatred of the dirty, dirty whores these days and dealing with a sexist dog. Cheap women and sexist dogs will get any woman riled up.And you! You can be just like Kate, only hopefully minus the whorey ladies and the nasty dog, if you join the Collection of Spectacles blogroll. You, me, that guy down the street who's been wearing the same sweat pants for three years - anyone i
#684: MY FACE, TRANSMOGRIFIED
Through Ozma, I fo... 2007-04-15 05:16:00 #684: MY FACE, TRANSMOGRIFIEDThrough Ozma, I found my way to the Face Transformer. I used my usual profile image pictured at the top left of the picture grouping below.The real Schmutzie at approximately three years of age.Manic gerber baby with super long bottom teeth - the better to tear the flesh with.Manga kid Schmutzie after she healed from gruesome forehead burns. She's a brave kid.50% chimp, which strangely looks to me like a nervous virgin at fifty who can't figure out what's up with her gardenias.Afro-caribbean Schmutzie, zombified and happy to be blessed with those long flesh-tearing teeth.Modigliani-ized Schmutzie is secretly a dirty, dirty girl.
LINKY LOU
The website for Miranda July's new book... 2007-04-13 23:56:00 LINKY LOUThe website
for Miranda
July's new book is genius.Crazy Egg is a fairly comprehensive statistics site. You can run tests on your websites to get the details on each individual link's use, a full summary of raw click data, and my personal favourite, a heat map of what parts of your site are hot or not.Pop! & Circumstance is a weblog that revolves around both excellent music and photographs.Go listen to some music written and created by a couple of eleven-year-old girls, and then try not to become depressed about your life. Go beat on some kitchen pots or something.The Complete Logo Design Guide is good. Go there before you make something ugly.I love Looking Real Good. "Everyone looks good at least some of the time. Our mission is to capture that moment, and then celebrate it by giving you 24 hours of attention — your very own holiday."I just bought the sweetest little necklace from Littleput Books, and now I want everyone to go there. I am thinking about just buying a
#685: EMBRACING THIS MEAT MACHINE A LITTLE BIT AT... 2007-04-15 20:11:00 #685: EMBRACING THIS MEAT MACHINE A LITTLE BIT AT A TIMEFirst, Saviabella hearted her vagina, and then Ms. Smartypants mentioned "...the revolting phenomenon of specific soaps for washing your hoo-ha", and I was thrown back to a very confusing and somewhat upsetting period of my mid-1980s self. I was in that uncomfortable verge-of-puberty state when I knew that my body was going to change remarkably but was seeing none of the external signs yet. I was both curious about how it would feel to have a different body and horrified by the messages about post-pubescent bodies that were displayed in magazines and on television.The media showed me that adult female bodies were a out of control; they were unreasonable, unpredictable, and tended toward social unacceptability quite without consent by the body's owner. By the time that I was in grades four and five, it was already apparent to me that the body I would have after all the hormones kicked in was going to require deodorants and sc
#686: MUCUS RUNS DEEP
My head feels either very ... 2007-04-17 00:13:00 #686: MUCUS RUNS DEEPMy head feels either
very large or very heavy. I can't quite decide which it is. It's not both, or I am sure that I would be bobbing head-down on the floor like an upside down Bozo the Clown bop bag.I am leaning toward heavy rather than large, and I do mean leaning. I am leaning on everything. Right now it happens to be a coffee mug on an old desk. Earlier, it was a shopping cart in the personal hygiene aisle of the grocery store. The bed has been my best support thus far. I cannot complain about the bed. It's fluffy.When I was at the grocery store, I spent a long while in front of the pharmacy counter, checking over all the boxes of medication. I wanted one with everything in large doses. It couldn't be for colds and not flus. It couldn't be for allergies and not colds. It had to be a cold and flu and allergy medication. Also, it couldn't have ibuprofen, because ibuprofen makes me an easy bleeder when combined with the anti-depressant I am on,
#687: THE CRAZY WRITES A POEM
I am sitting here ... 2007-04-18 21:18:00 #687: THE CRAZY WRITES A POEMI am sitting here eating a yogurt and granola parfait, feeling particularly everything. I'm not sad or happy or tired or excited. I am everything. Everything is the mood, and I can't shake it.It's all my fault, too. Since I started taking an anti-depressant sometime around January, I have always taken it at night, because when I started taking it, it made me feel light-headed and I spoke like I was yelling and my tongue dried out. It was best to take it at night and sleep through the side effects. A couple of mornings ago, though, I realized that I had not taken it in two days, because I never remember at night when I'm tired and nodding off over a plate of re-heated asian food in front of an episode of "Law & Order".So, I came up with a new plan of action. I decided that I would take it in the morning, because at that time of day I am less likely to fall over sideways and land face down in a pile of the Palinode's pillows when I am halfway thr
#688: THINGS I DID RECENTLY, AM DOING NOW, AND MA... 2007-04-21 02:02:00 #688: THINGS I DID RECENTLY, AM DOING NOW, AND MAY DO SHORTLY, ALL STATED USING GERUNDS*listening to my female zebra finch flit and meep like a squeak toy in her cagesitting in bed in a stripy shirt that smells a little too much like socksfeeling full of potato perogies consumed with an entire fried onionactually kind of enjoying the way that onion just keeps being so flavourful an hour after it went downhaving a flash memory of learning to darn socks stretched over a wooden shape that was worn soft from being poked with over fifty years of needlessnuggling a catadding a section to this website that I'm calling Fresh Found Videos, because I find quite a few videos I like and rarely get to share themfeeling annoyed with myself for allowing myself to watch Oprah, because she aggravated me yet again by doing a show about becoming more environmentally friendly and then giving away a ton of consumer goods to her audiencereading some pretty delightful weblogs, such as these from Swapatoriu
#689: I CAN COOK, SORT OF
I wanted to cook break... 2007-04-23 06:27:00 #689: I CAN COOK, SORT OFI wanted
to cook breakfast this morning, but our kitchen was inhospitable. Due to various infirmities on both mine and the Palinode's parts, the kitchen had fallen into a truly deplorable state, so I gave in and decided to do the one thing I truly cannot stand: wash dishes.I have worked copious amounts of blood out of carpet, searched through another person's poop to retrieve pieces of plastic fork, and picked up rotting bats, all of which are distasteful but were necessary at the time. Washing dishes, though, is more awful than any of those things. I hate not being able to see below the bubbles, and there are those bits of food that brush by my fingers, and then there is, the worst part of all, the wrinkling of the ends of my fingers. It is one of my most detestable sensations. If my fingertips touch each other or rub against anything, even the towel that dries them, I taste blood in my mouth, salty and metallic blood. I did two loads of dishes, and as
#692: IT'S OKAY. THERE, THERE.
I come up as the... 2007-04-27 20:58:00 #692: IT'S OKAY. THERE, THERE.I come up as the number one search result for "hugest head in the world" on Google.But my large head is not what I am here to talk about, although it does bring to mind that one post I wrote called "If My Anxiety Or The Enormity Of My Own Head Doesn't Kill Me First, I Will Have A Birthday One Month From Today" that inspired a lot of head measuring. I found out that my head was not indeed the largest spheroid bobbing down the street, but still to this day, when I catch my reflection in a window, I see a ballooning shape not unlike the bun dough that my mother squeezes through her fist to make round blobs. Only, my blob is animated and twenty times the size and has a nose, so it's creepier, at least to me. I am anteriorly dysmorphic.But I'm not here to talk about my puffy head. I came here today to reassure a few people that I am not the complete mess that my writing on this site has led them to believe I am lately: wallowing under quilts, gibberin
I'M GOING TO GO STAND OVER THERE NOW
I have many ... 2007-04-26 23:54:00 I'M GOING TO GO STAND OVER THERE NOWI have many things to accomplish today: meetings, matching up thirty pairs of black socks, creating a system by which I can safeguard myself against accidentally taking the Palinode's drugs instead of my own, and such like. While I am busy being all firmly planted in the physical realm, I invite you to look at other things that I did find the time to update, like my very awesome collection of videos and these links and this poem, which I am entirely uncrazy about, since it is not awesome, but I've hit a wall with this poetry business, so that's what you get.
IT'S LIKE A REALLY SMALL SNOWBALL ROLLING DOWN A L... 2007-04-25 14:22:00 IT'S LIKE A REALLY
SMALL SNOWBALL ROLLING DOWN A LOW GRADE SLOPEHa ha! We are edging ever closer to the triple digits with each new participant in the Collection of Spectacles blogroll. In fact, just recently the number rose to 89. EIGHTY-NINE. (That just looks so impressive in all-caps).Eleven more would tip that scale to 100. If you are wondering why 100 is really any better than 99, stop. It's obviously that extra digit, and you should quit waxing philosophical. This a blogroll.(I had an urge to type "This is not your mother's blogroll" but quit, because that makes no sense. If I said the word blogroll to my mother, she would ask me if it was like a bun stuffed with meat, and if your mother has a blogroll, it's probably just as cool as mine.)That person at the left there in the mirrored sunglasses is Tracey from Crazy Trace. She describes herself as a mid-40s, Australian, married mother of three who can "...wear my heart on my sleeve, and I can and will write about anyt
#691: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE'S NOT ENOUGH GOING ... 2007-04-24 23:40:00 #691: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE'S NOT ENOUGH GOING INBitumenToday the word is bitumen,of which there is a lot.For proof, look out your windowat that blacktop parking lot.Mining based extractionis a boring subject, yes,but it's gritty and it's slimy;it dares a porn trope to a test.It's a stretch, though, and I've nothing.The sand is like a beach?The conveyor belt's a swimsuitgetting sand caught in the breech?Or the oily sand's a pussyand the machine's another's handand the more it roves and wandersthe oilier the land?This brings to mind a thought or twoabout this earth that we do shape.We take everything we want to;it's a veritable rape.Oh, it's just too tiresomeworking this metaphor I seek.My meter goes from six to eight.It's forced and sad and weak.What brought this on, you wonder?A google search, of course.I yearned to know of bitumen,but my mind's dirty, low, and coarse.So, this is where I've brought you,an unsatisfying end.You've learned nearly naught of bitumennor fo
#690: REPETITION
Today is about compulsive repet... 2007-04-24 00:25:00 #690: REPETITIONToday
is about compulsive
repetition.It makes me want to ball up my fists and go oooooooh! with my eyes squinched tight like a cartoon character. Maybe Wilma Flintstone.From the moment I woke up this morning, I had "Achy Breaky Heart" streaming through my head. It was there for over four hours and sounded tinny like an AM radio station. I don't like country music, I despise line dancing, and now I am feeling less than friendly toward Billy Ray for having put this song into the world. Billy, it's nothing personal, but fuck you.That torrent of AM country radio hell finished abruptly and turned into an endless rotation of "Kumbaya". If you've ever sat through hundreds or thousands of church services, sunday school lessons, church summer campfires, and christian youth conferences like I have, this song has been done and done and done again in unison, harmony, rounds, and as twenty-minute long spirit-filling remixes. It pains like a thousand pins in my own personal
#694: THREE CUPS OF COFFEE SHOULD UNGLUE ME FROM ... 2007-04-29 20:05:00 #694: THREE CUPS OF COFFEE SHOULD UNGLUE ME FROM THIS CHAIRThis is entry 694, which means that after writing six more entries, I will be out of the 600s. I hate the number six, and my obsessive side, which I prefer to envision as an ugly and nagging troll of a homunculus, has been suffering a facial tic throughout the last 95 entries.It is annoying me that after this entry there will be SIX more to write.This obsession with the number six is likely a misdirection of my anxiety about my LEEP procedure (Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure) on Wednesday morning.Did you know that sexual intercourse should be avoided for three weeks after a LEEP? Fecking hell.Today, though, I am focusing on ways to make my home environment pleasant, so that on Wednesday, when I drag myself home from the hospital, hoping that I'm not the one in ten who is blessed with post-surgical hemmoraging, I can just kick back, take pain meds, and watch bad afternoon television from my bed.Ooh, maybe I will even
#693: FRIDAY NIGHT'S ALRIGHT FOR PHOTOS
Sipping ... 2007-04-28 19:11:00 #693: FRIDAY NIGHT'S ALRIGHT FOR PHOTOSSipping (Highly Alcoholic) Soda Through A StrawThe Lady Who Is So Cute-As-A-Button ThatShe May As Well Be Made Of ButtonsA Beleathered Man Scrutinizes The PhotographerThe Button Lady, Revisited A Third Time,Because She Is The Button Lady
#698: HOW THE LEEP THING WENT plus BONUS UNRELATE... 2007-05-03 02:10:00 #698: HOW THE LEEP THING WENT plus BONUS UNRELATED PICTURES OF MY CAT, ONIONWell, I'm back from getting LEEPed. For those of you not in the know about the various strains of cervical torture, check out that link. You will learn of the wonders of having an electrosurgical loop inserted into your (or someone else's) vagina for the purpose of excising all manner of nasty abnormality. Or don't check out that link, stop reading now, and forget that you were ever here. Think back to that time last week when some passing acquaintance stated that the internet was a waste of time, and let us pretend we never met across this vast array of intertubes. For those of you who are still here, yes, I am alive and propped up in bed at this very moment. I managed to make hummus from a mix and there is water on to boil for coffee and the painkillers are kicking in quite nicely, so, as you can read, I have not succumbed under the electrified gynecological instruments of Dr. McJabby (whi
Recommend Site To A Friend
