Owner: Schmutzie's Milkmoney Or Not, Here I Come URL:http://www.schmutzie.com Join Date: Sat, 24 Feb 2007 10:06:22 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Schmutzie writes, photographs, and codes the content, and has been since August 2003. Site statistics:Click here
#652: ANOTHER POEM ABOUT SUBURBAN CHILDHOOD
That... 2007-03-04 14:54:00 #652: ANOTHER POEM ABOUT SUBURBAN CHILDHOOD
That grass you're showing off
lies in long lines of light and dark
along the green,
snipped and shaped and fertilized
into an outdoor carpet
that requires special shoes with nubs
and carts with soft wheels.
Your bedrooms have closed doors and heavy drapes
and secret drawers,
suckers that have you lick the clothes off naked people,
and magazines full
PLEASE SHAKE THIS SOLID 81
Seven! There have bee... 2007-03-05 19:01:00 PLEASE SHAKE THIS SOLID 81
Seven
! There have been seven new submissions to the Collection of Spectacles blogroll, which brings it to a whopping total of 81 participants.
What's this? You haven't heard of this blogroll, you say? Well, just be glad that you're hearing about it now, because 81 people have already achieved a higher level of coolness before you, and the situation is becoming more
#653: BECAUSE YOU DO CARE WHAT I ATE FOR LUNCH
F... 2007-03-07 04:14:00 #653: BECAUSE YOU DO CARE WHAT I ATE FOR LUNCH
For lunch, I ate half a small chicken right off the bone. The lady behind the counter tried to hand me a plastic knife and fork, which I'm pretty sure other people would have thought necessary, considering all the little ribs and legs sticking out, but I refused. I shook my head no. I am very hungry, I said. She looked confused, but how could
#653: FUCK WINTER *
I alway try to stay away fro... 2007-03-06 19:40:00 #653: FUCK WINTER *
I alway try to stay away from the obvious. I won't write about Valentine's Day on Valentine's Day. I won't write about a certain product or tool when everyone else is throwing in their two cents about it. If it's International Bipedalism Awareness Week, I'll probably write about my cats and people with no legs.
Okay, I became depressed at the same time that everyone else
#655: SING ALONG WITH SCHMUTZIE!
Today was Colpo... 2007-03-07 22:01:00 #655: SING ALONG
WITH SCHMUTZIE
!
Today
was Colpo
scopy Day. I found the whole thing nerve-wracking, and how do I deal with being nerve-wracked? I make up lyrics to the tune of "My Favorite Things" à la "The Sound of Music" while watching my cervix being poked, dyed, and sliced on closed circuit television, of course.
Long aseptic halls and staff in white smocks
An admissions desk and new
#656: IF YOU READ THIS, YOU'RE A SUCKER
My brain... 2007-03-08 22:28:00 #656: IF YOU READ THIS, YOU'RE A SUCKER
My brain has taken leave of me of this afternoon. At first I was annoyed by this new circumstance, because I lost my beloved stapler and forgot the Palinode's name. I tried to write an e-mail and lost sight of my purpose after typing the lamest opening line (long time, no see!). But then, my brain hiccoughed and burped out a couple of reasonable
#657: IF YOU'RE A WILMA AND YOU KNOW IT, LEAVE A ... 2007-03-09 19:44:00 #657: IF YOU'RE A WILMA
AND YOU KNOW IT, LEAVE A COMMENT [clap clap]
I will be gallivanting about the province this weekend and will not likely be posting a darn thing here due to restrictions that must apply to keep this website and certain relationships I have as separate as separate can be.
I am secretive and sneaky. I am Wilma Flintstone.
If you hide your weblog, you might be a Wilma,
#659: IF THE HAM'S SATANIC, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO W... 2007-03-13 18:54:00 #659: IF THE HAM'S SATANIC
, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT
The other night, I was approached by a local artist/psych case while I was standing outside the pub having a cigarette.
MR. MENTAL HEALTH:Do you want to buy some art off me?
SCHMUTZIE:Let me see.
MR. MENTAL HEALTH:Well, actually, it's a comic, see. [He took a piece of loose leaf out of his pocket and unfolded it for me] I usually do
#658: NOW 50% MORE STUPID
I have returned from m... 2007-03-12 23:32:00 #658: NOW 50% MORE STUPID
I have returned from my whirlwind tour of the great Cosmopolis, and let me tell you, it was grand. I spoke with a woman who had just turned 100 and was looking forward to dancing at her birthday party the next day. I spent some time with another woman who now has the heart of a younger man beating inside her chest. I communed with a male canary who graced me with
#661: BETTER
PALINODE: You seem to have a lot m... 2007-03-16 01:32:00 #661: BETTER
PALINODE
: You seem to have a lot more energy these days.
SCHMUTZIE: I know! The anti-depressant really seems to be working. I was so sad before.
PALINODE: Really? With all the lying on the couch and talking about the futility of everything, I thought you were taking a philosophy class.
#660: I'M TRYING TO KILL MYSELF
It has been well... 2007-03-15 03:10:00 #660: I'M TRYING TO KILL MYSELF
It has been well documented here and in my offline life that I hate cleaning. I would assert that I have despised it my whole life, but my mother claims that until the age of four I was terribly tidy and loved to help her around the house. The only proof of this is a photograph of me at the age of three with a vacuum, but I think the fact that I am still in my
#662: TWENTY-FOUR THINGS I THOUGHT WOULD BE FUN, ... 2007-03-16 20:34:00 #662: TWENTY-FOUR THINGS
I THOUGHT WOULD BE FUN, BUT THEN THEY JUST WEREN'T
Sliding down that hill without a sled because I thought my snowsuit was slippery enough and padded enough to give me a real swell ride
Eating that bit of skin off the top of a wild forest mushroom that smelled like Thrills
Trying the soapy, moldy taste of Thrills gum on a dare
Feeding my little brother chocolate chips
81 + 4 = 85
There are now 85 members of the ever-... 2007-03-18 01:04:00 81 + 4 = 85
There are now 85 members of the ever-so-excellent Collection of Spectacles blogroll. Four more people have generously chosen to show their eyewear to the internets, and they are (click on their thumbnail images to visit their websites):
Jane from Average Jane, Miss Nicola from What's That Smell?, Carrie from Ponder Ethereal, and Lauren, who is linkless but still bespectacled.
#663: TONS OF LOVING AND CONJOINED TWINS
Schmutz... 2007-03-19 03:12:00 #663: TONS OF LOVING AND CONJOINED TWINS
Schmutzie: I love you tons, you know.
Palinode: Tons of what?
Schmutzie: What do you mean?
Palinode: How many tons of what do you love me?
Schmutzie: I love you tons of, um, let's see, I love you tons of barbecue pork fresh rolls.
Palinode: Yeah, well I love you tons of mined bauxite.
Schmutzie: Isn't that stuff carcinogenic? *
Palinode:
CRAZY FROG BROS.
I don't usually post video after... 2007-03-20 16:55:00 CRAZY FROG BROS.I don't usually
post video
after video on this website, but this one has lightened my mood considerably, which I will clarify later.Let the nostalgic waves of Axel F heal your soul. And that kid in the red t-shirt in the back. He is going to be so cool when he grows up.(originally found via Defective Yeti)
#665: A 30-MINUTE POEM
So, what of it?
I like to... 2007-03-21 23:02:00 #665: A 30-MINUTE POEMSo, what of it?I like to smoke dopeand get stupid in the middle of night.I swear it keeps me young,or at least forgetful,which is like being young,because you don’t know as much then,although I thought I knew everything,just everything.Back then I always felt likeI was on the verge of becoming famous.We were all going to be discovered;we were going to make great stridesin world-changing fields of studyand people would take our picturesand talk about us years later like we knew what we were doing.The problem waswe were all so good at everythingthat we ended up doing everything mediocre.Now I wish I had been like one of those kidsyou know, those savants,who play the violin like a masterbut never advance beyond stick figures with anything else.That way, you, me, that other guy,we’d all be something,at least something biggerthat would have people know our names.But I'm okay with this now.I mean, I get to hang out,do pretty much as I please.My mother used to ask
#664: LEEP WITH JOYLESSNESS
I was so naive last ... 2007-03-21 03:04:00 #664: LEEP WITH JOYLESSNESSI was so naive last September when I had my first physical in six years and was told that I had highly abnormal cervical cells. I thought Oh crap, I've got these nasty cells and it could mean cancer, oh fuck, I guess they'll have to burn them off. I thought that now that the medical world knew what they did of my cells that I would quickly be whisked onto some table upholstered in vinyl and there would be this gun-like, soldering iron thingy that they would use to zap my cervix into submission. It turns out, though, that this is not how it goes in Cityville.After I was given the delightful news that I was carrying a virulent case of slowly deforming cervical tissue and possibly cancer, I was referred to a gynecologist for another pap smear in late November, because if one pap smear is questionable, two will unnecessarily extend your wait for treatment by another month-and-a-half. Of course, the second test showed the same results, and I was given an ap
#666: WHY YOU BE SO DOWN ON EVIL?
That title has... 2007-03-23 01:18:00 #666: WHY YOU BE SO DOWN ON EVIL?That title has nothing to do with anything, except that this is the 666th entry here at Milkmoney Or Not, Here I Come that I've bothered to number. Although, if you hate the topic of this entry and find its banality to be so terrible as to be evil, then the title does sort of make sense, because you could think that this entry is evil, and you wouldn't be wrong, because that's how opinions work. *What I have to tell you is that I have been lip-chewing up a storm all day. I chewed a bit of skin up before I got out of bed this morning. It was kind of loose anyway, and it seemed like a good way to waste a couple of minutes while I considered how strong my desire was to get up. Then, when I checked my e-mail before my shower, that flap of skin was sticking out, so I went to work on my lower lip until, surprise surprise, a drop of blood hit the laptop. (Shhh, don't tell the Palinode). I thought to myself That's it. This has to stop, and then I p
#667: WITH ALL THE BIRD REFERENCES, YOU'D THINK T... 2007-03-23 21:57:00 #667: WITH ALL THE BIRD REFERENCES, YOU'D THINK THIS ENTRY HAD SOMETHING MORE TO DO WITH THEMOh seriously, I have no time for this today what with work and picking up packages and finding my marriage certificate and fantasizing about beer on a day that is above 10°C and having to go take photographs of stuff before the green starts coming out and feeding the Ladybird (extra stupid finch) and going to a meeting and having to pee every twenty minutes for some reason (and, no, I am not preggers you baby-happy freaks).What the above sentence that looks like a paragraph means is that I have fifteen minutes to write an entry, and I decided that I was going to just stream one out without thinking too much and see what I had to say, which is, apparently, not very much. I think Spring stole my brain and replaced it with bluebirds of happiness. At least they are kind of in the same colour group, so I don't notice so much.I am all about the spring fever today. I want to be outside heari
#669: A COSMOPOLIAN WEATHERS MY HOSPITALITY
Twen... 2007-03-27 04:43:00 #669: A COSMOPOLIAN WEATHERS MY HOSPITALITYTwenty minutes before he had to leave for the bus to come down to Cityville from Cosmopolis for a weekend visit, Starcat shot me an e-mail that read:ack!I just remembered the thing I forgot!It's to tell you that we're coming! this weekend! on the bus! tonight! and that I need a place to stay!I have an air mattress, so I don't have to worry about that...gotta runWe had three hours to work on the presentation of our apartment. The Palinode did dishes. I moved the boxes that I moved into the hallway when I was rearranging the study into the bedroom where we could pretend for just a little while longer that they don't exist. The Palinode cleaned the bathroom. I finally replaced the lightbulb in the bathroom and removed the floor lamp that we'd been using while I screwed up the nerve to stand on something high enough to reach the light fixture. In short, we did our best to appear more like grown-up partners in life rather than a couple o
#668: CATS, MINE, NAMELY OSKAR (BLACK) AND ONION ... 2007-03-26 07:00:00 #668: CATS, MINE, NAMELY OSKAR (BLACK) AND ONION (FRANKENCAT)You love catblogging. It is your favourite thing. You cannot believe the awesomeness which overwhelms you as you soak up my cat photography. You wish you were blessed with such kittens as mine. You simply cannot wrap your mind around the fact that I do not do this more often.Behold, my cats.A captive indoor cat resents its owner's freedomto stand outside in the spring sunAnother captive indoor cat must contend withthe dastardly beast, Manual Air PumpOnion's butt leaves a room where Starcat reads it old schoolOskar watches the new apartment beast with wonder,because he brought Air Mattress, which has revolutionized catnapping
#670: WAS AND NOW
Ever since I took this photogra... 2007-03-27 23:53:00 #670: WAS AND NOWEver since I took this photograph, I have been thinking of the north where I used to go with my family every summer until I moved out on my own.There was a lake so icy that leeches didn't live there and coniferous trees stretched out on all sides as far as your eye could take you. When I was little, I believed that I would live there forever when I grew up and tramp over the small bridge every day that spanned a run-off path just to hear my feet thunking on its broad boards. I promised myself that I would repaint it properly in apple green when the time came.It was often grey and damp there. Maybe that's why the photograph is triggering these memories. The broad street, bleak and early-spring cool with weak evening light cast long and low, is much how I remember the main drag leading to the town site at the lake.When I hit puberty, boys used to hoot at me from moving cars when I walked down that strip of road to see what the late movie was at the musty war-time
#672: JOIN-THE-HERD THURSDAY. BAAAAAH.
86 peopl... 2007-03-29 20:47:00 #672: JOIN-THE-HERD THURSDAY. BAAAAAH.86 people of the internet have now become members of the Collection of Spectacles blogroll.YOU WANT TO BE AS SPECTACULAR AS WE ALL ARE. YOU WANT TO SEND ME A 70X70 THUMBNAIL IMAGE OF YOUR SPECTACLES.You really do.The latest submission comes in from Kilowatthour. She describes herself as "...your average thirtysomething musician-turned-medical student trying to stay afloat, stay awake, and stay human", and she's been at this blogging thing over at The Kilowatthour since March 2005.Her latest entry is a meme in which I am going to partake, but before I do that, I invite you to join the Collection of Spectacles, because absolutely anyone is welcome, myopic or not, unless your website is racist or mysoginistic or otherwise unconscionably nasty, because I reserve the right to pass judgement. It is my blogroll, after all. Any eyewear of any kind, even if you fake it with sparkle glue and string, will get you in, so put on/create your spectacles an
#671: WHEN THE ROADS GET FURRY
I take the bus ho... 2007-03-29 01:42:00 #671: WHEN THE ROADS GET FURRYI take the bus home from work every day, and at one of the stops a lot of international students from the University get on. Last week, I was sitting behind two Japanese students while they practiced singing an english song they had learned. I was impressed at how well they sang the tune, considering that it was a song with which they seemed unfamiliar.I continued to enjoy their singing, and even started in with some humming of my own, until they hit the chorus.Cuntly roads, take me homeTo the place I belongWait. What? Cuntly roads?West Virginia, mountain momma,Take me home, cuntly roadsAgain with cuntly. They got all the other Ls and Rs correct, but the cuntly thing was getting to me, so I tapped one of them on the shoulder. They turned to smile at me.Uhm, excuse me. Your singing is very nice, but it's "country roads". It's cun-tree, like those trees out there. I pointed at some elms passing outside the bus window.Oh, yes, thank you, the one o
#674: STOP CYBERBULLYING DAY
I wrote about sweat... 2007-03-30 21:19:00 #674: STOP CYBERBULLYING DAYI wrote
about sweater vests, and nobody came. Imagine! Sweater vests, a dead uncle, and a vain cat did not draw in the masses, did not create for me minions out of unwary readers. The internet is crazy like that.And the internet can be mighty crazy. After recent incidents of cyberstalking and harassment, including an unconscionable attack of Kathy Sierra, Andy Carvin has declared today Stop Cyberbullying Day, and he has created a social network using Ning called Stop Cyberbullying, which aims "...to discuss cyberbullying, identifying resources and solutions to address this epidemic of online cruelty."So, join the community, do not suffer the nastier of the internetters, and even take it a step further: go out and be nice to a blogger or more today, because it can be mean out there.
#673: I DREAM OF SWEATER VESTS
I have been dream... 2007-03-30 18:37:00 #673: I DREAM OF SWEATER VESTSI have been dreaming that I am wearing sweater vests. Or rather, in every dream I have, another character inevitably points out that I am wearing a sweater vest, and when I look down at myself, behold!, I am wearing a sweater vest.These sweater vests are not the cool kind. They are not so bad that they're good. If they are argyle, they are an ugly baby blue and forest green argyle. The sweater vests fit poorly. They are too tight in the body; the arm holes are stretched out or over-sized; they suck in too tightly at the waist, which makes me look strangely pudgy from the hips up. In one dream, it turned out that I was wearing the Palinode's dead uncle's sweater vest, and he wanted to change my name to Colin.Last night, I dreamt about Onion, and he was wearing a tiny, cat-sized sweater vest that was green and brown with subtle cabling down his belly. I somehow knew that he was pleased with his attire.As much as these dream sweater vests are unattr
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