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Yogi Berra Quotes 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical." "Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.) "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them." "It ain't over till it's over." "It's deja vu all over again." "No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded." "We have very deep depth!" "We made too many wrong mistakes." "You can observe a lot by just watching." more !!..... Read more:Quotes
Religious Nuts 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective
People Really Said These Things In Court 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it unti Read more:Court
, People Really
A Child's Prayer 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're he Read more:Prayer
Mighty Mouse 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat." Read more:Mighty
, Mouse
, Mighty Mouse
Little Voice 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.'' A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders. As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?'' The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.'' Read more:Voice
, Little Voice
Jokes Of Mr.Bean 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Have a Good Laugh!!!1) BRAIN TUMOR:Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?Doctor: Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? Mr. Bean: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5? Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!! 3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C? Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:Friend: What are you looking at? Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!5) Marriage:Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry? Mr. Bean: 16Friend: Why? Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 bett Read more:Jokes
The Four Ghosts of the White House 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his WhiteHouse
bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?""Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?""Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"Lincoln replies, "Go se
The Lawyer's Funeral 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral expecting to be one of the one people there, and is suprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him."Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?" he asks.A man turns towards him and says, "We''re all clients.""And you ALL came to pay your respects?""No, we came to make sure he was really dead." Read more:Lawyer
, Funeral
Leopard vs. Poodle 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading afte Read more:Leopard
, Poodle
Share and Share Alike 1970-01-01 00:59:59 An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again Read more:Share
, Alike
I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Ghost 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself. Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion. "What's going on here?" "I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost." Read more:Ghost
Three Explorers Are Captured... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 ??? A Frenchman, an Englishmanand a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and thenuse your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how youdie." ??? The Frenchman says, "Itake ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive laFrance!" and drinks it down.??? The Englishman says,"A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at hishead, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.??? The New Yorker says,"Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. TheNew Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, thechest, everywhere.??? There's blood gushing outall over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are youdoing???"??? The New Yorker looks at Read more:Three
, Explorers
First Class Blondie 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and bri Read more:First
, First Class
Bribe and Groom 1970-01-01 00:59:59 During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''dappreciate it if you''d just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered: "S Read more:Bribe
Don't Kick the Animals, Man 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?" Read more:Animals
The Three Stars 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television's Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some foodMalcolm Goldstein was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up Malcolm Goldstein's ass. The servants did their duty, and left Malcolm Goldstein lying on theground screaming.Eduardo Aguirre was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Malcolm Goldstein was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass how Read more:Three
Get Away From my Deer! 2007-03-16 10:30:00 It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get awa
An APB on God 2007-03-20 04:03:00 A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself
Computer Diagnosis 2007-03-22 04:20:00 One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog a Read more:Computer
Park Politics 2007-03-26 06:01:00 A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, "All politicians are *ssholes." A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offense to that!" The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?" "No," he replies, "I'm an *sshole."
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