Owner: The 83-Year-Old Man URL:http://www.83yearoldman.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Tue, 01 Apr 2008 19:37:41 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Al Zimbler's humor blog offers jokes and humorous stories from his 83 years of personal experience and his newest career as a comedy writer and improv comedy class instructor. Site statistics:Click here
Two Mountains 2008-04-01 19:13:00 Scene A country club on a hot summer day, at the swimming poolCast. Jim a 21 year old lifeguard Mrs. Harper, a 37 year old beautiful woman member, the club manager and finally the golf starterJim "Mrs. Harper!Mrs. Harper "Yes, what is it Jimmy?Jim "I'm afraid that you can't be out here, like that."Mrs. Harper "Why?Jim " Topless bathing is not allowed at the club pool."Mrs. Harper "Jimmy, there are signs that say no diving, but there are no signs that say "No Topless Swimming"Club mgr. appears "Jimmy , what is the problem here?Jim. "As you can see sir, Mrs. Harper is topless"Club. mgr. "Yes, I can see that!Jim "Sir, I think I will have to close the pool because of that"Club mgr. "No, don't do that because everyone will want to know why"Mrs. Harper Listern yoiu two, my
Quick Jokes 2008-03-31 18:52:00 My 16-year-old granddaughter babysits with specific instructions. Lights out at 8 pm. How difficult is it to put the cover over the bird cage?I went to Starbuck's this morning for coffee. Unfortunately, no one left any on the table.Hybrid autos save you money on gasoline, but only if you drive.Sunbathing is bad on the eyes. Especially if you are on a nude beach.The toll collector wanted 25 cents. I told him I don't give money to strangers. Read more:Quick
, Jokes
Heard in the Street 2008-03-30 10:14:00 A married daughter calls up her mother to inform her that she just had triplets, and that triplets occur only every three million chances. Mother says that's amazing, but asks daughter "When did you have time to cook for your husband?"What three things can you get for a quarter? Answer: pennies, nickels and dimes.A father takes his daughter out for her first driving attempt before she starts drivers training. They drive for a little while and the daughter turns to her father, smiles, and asks, "How am I doing?" The father turns a little pale and, shaken, says, " Great, if we were driving in England." Read more:Heard
, Street
Jokes and Happenings 2008-03-29 20:52:00 A guy says he's unhappy where lives. Seems there are bars all around. He's waiting to be paroled next week.Another guy I know said he ran 5 miles. Unfortunately the police are trained to run 6.TRUE STORY: Many years ago I got sick during the evening and had to run to the bathroom to upchuck.. There I am moaning and groaning and heaving like mad, when my wife runs into the bathroom to see if I am okay. She watches me a few seconds and then says, "The problem with you is that you don't know how to vomit."What would be your response to such a remark? I can't repeat what I said to my wife at that moment. Read more:Jokes
, Happenings
Funny Personal Ads 2008-03-25 20:27:00 Handsome gentleman, 81 years young. Loves to travel, enjoys steak dinners, has own teeth.Handsome gentleman, 81 years young. Fancy dresser, extremely neat and clean, and bathes often. He received a letter from a little old lady that said: " I would love to meet you but my pension is so small, I don"t think I could afford your water bill."I wrote a book abut a very moving experience. It's called "The Empty Bottom." It is sold only in drug stores and can be found on the shelf next to the Fleet Enema.My father could not speak a very good English. I once asked him what kind of cars his friends drove. His replay was they drove a Pecker, a Assburn, and one drove a String. I asked my mother who spoke English very well and she did the interpretation. The cars were a Packard, an Auburn, and a Cord Read more:Funny
, Personal
Which Side of the Car is the Gas Tank Located On? 2008-03-23 20:45:00 Ever rented a car and needed gas? But which side is the gas cap located?Someone told me this week the answer is on your dashboard.Look at the gas gauge, see which side the picture of the gas pump is shown, and that is the side on which the car's gas cap is on.Try it, you'll see I'm right. Read more:Located
Sayings 2008-03-22 09:02:00 I teach at a special school.If my students misbehave I cannot send them home. The rules state that they must finish their term in prison.My wife likes to cook by herself. That's why every evening I eat out.I have pencils all over the house that don"twrite. I guess I should sharpen them.I went to the dry cleaner and asked if I could get overnite service. They said yes. I said ok, where do I sleep?My wife and 6 children like to have extra toilet paper rolls in the house. We have about 40 rolls. Too bad we only have one bathroom. Read more:Sayings
Senior Improv Reality Show 2008-03-18 21:20:00 I'm working on a senior improv reality show based on the senior improv class I teach at National Louis University.What do you think of the title WE'RE NOT DEAD YET for the show?If you are over 65 would you think about trying out for the show?
Celebrity Humor 2008-03-17 12:04:00 Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens says he takes vitamins by injection -- he's afraid of pills.Southwest Airlines slogan: "You're not a passenger, you're a number."What's with Vice President Dick Cheney? Is he still living?Off-color comedian Jackie Mason is learning a new language -- English. Read more:Celebrity
, Humor
It Ain't What It Used to Be 2008-03-15 21:07:00 In 1940 for $5 on a dateYou could see a movie, eat popcorn, and drink a shakeNow in 2008 the cost is $35 and you often curseBecause the movie, pocorn, and the shake are so much worseIT AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BEDo you remember old times passed?When we paid cash for purchases, no questions askedNow with credit cards for each guy and broadQuestion after question to prove you're not a fraudIT AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BEIn my day baseball was played exclusively by boysWe'd get excitedi and make a lot of noiseNow girls have entered on the sceneThey play harder, they yell, and they screamIT AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BEAfter gall bladder surgery you couldn't walk farYou finally went home with your stones in a jarNow through the belly button there're four holes in your bellyYour gall bladder is fine but yo
Introducing My 83-Year-Old Man Comedy Routine 2008-03-15 20:21:00 My oldest child (almost 60) has just convinced me to start a blog with the best of my 10 ring binders of original stories, jokes, limericks and anything else that comes to my mind. Some of my humor comes from my experiences long ago when the world was much different than it is today. And some of the humor comes from daily experiences now. In fact, I met a buddy of mine from the old neighborhood of Lawndale in Chicago this afternoon:I asked Lonny (not his real name) for the telephone number of his 54-year-old son Mike.Lonny took out several little pieces of paper and turned them over one by one. Here's what he said:"Nope, he's dead."Next piece. "He's moved."Next piece. "This one's not my friend any more."Next piece. "And here's a telephone number." He recited it, and I said, "That's . Read more:Introducing
, Comedy
, Routine
, Old Man
Thoughts for the Day 2008-04-05 10:10:00 My new eye glasses did two things for me. They made me look younger and made my billfold look thinner.Boy, I thought, I wanted to buy health insurance, but the warden said it wasn't necessary.They all know me at the local supermarket. They turn their backs to me whenever I enter.My wife tell me she is fortunate and lucky to be married to me. That's because I travel and I'm away from home six days a week.I didn't start to drive until I was 27 years old. That resulted in fewer auto accidents in America.I believe in proper toilet training. I get out of the shower if I have to urinate.My wife says my hands do wonderful things for her. She means writing her big checks.I just bought a cell phone that takes pictures. I am not very good at those types of mechanical gadgets. I just found out I h
You know you are different when 2008-04-07 19:06:00 You know you are different
when:Everyone in the casino lounge applauds the vocalist but you keep on reading your book.You're the only one not buyng gifts at a museums' gift shop.When no one speaks to you at a party.When no one says to you that the Mickey Mouse watch you are wearing is really hip.Why gasoline prices always end in point 9/tenths.You have the time to write a blog titled "You know you are different when".
finders, keepers 2008-04-13 16:31:00 A guy has an auto accident and ends up with both hands in casts. Goes to dr. for checkup and asks the dr. if he will be able to play golf again?. Dr. says yes. Will I be able to play tennis again?. Dr. says yes. Will I be able to have sex again? Dr. asks why he would ask such a question. The guy answers telling the dr. it's important to know as it takes his both hands to find it.Another guy I know told me that his friend is thinking of getting married to his live in girl friend.Together they have five children. I told my friend that it sounded just great and I wanted to know how old the children are The guy says he isn't sure abut their ages but did know that the oldest was twenty nine years old.
Dinner for Two 2008-04-22 11:13:00 Harry, it's very nice of you to take me to dinner tonight.Bea, it's been a long time since I took you out for dinner.Harry, but why so early? We are the first and only diners so far.Bea, I didn't have lunch today and I am very hungry. Besides which this restaurant will fill up quickly because of the good food and the low prices.Harry, that guy at the front door that let us in looks like the guy from the French restaurant that we used to dine at.Bea, are you sure?Yes.Bea, where are the waiters?Relax, Harry, they probably haven't come in yet as it's only five o'clock.Bea, go over to that guy you recognized and ask him what time the waiters come in.Not yet, Harry, I know how you are when you haven't eaten lunch.Where's the menu, Bea?I don't see one, Harry. Maybe the waiters put out the menus. Read more:Dinner
Reasons Children Can Be a Blessing or a Pain in One's Lifetime 2008-04-22 11:05:00 Why can't they behave like we were when we were their ageTheir births made us feel great4 hours a day of watching tv is too muchHooray, they finally got off the doleI hope they leave home soonCollege is for learning, not for funYour perfume is making me sickSet your own alarm clockYou can walk to schoolCurfew is 11 pm and not one minute laterSharpen your own pencils Read more:Reasons
, Children
, Lifetime
WOMEN UNDERSTAND THIS 2008-04-24 20:50:00 I once took a standup comedy course where one of my classmates was a criminal defense attorney.His reason for taking the class was to work on some sort of a comic routine because of the case he was handling.His client was on trail for murdering the wife because she had changed the tv channel that he was watching.It was an all female jury and my classmate thought he had a great chance of getting his client off scott free.His reason for that decision was the fact that the program his client was watching when the wife changed the channel was the home cooking class.
LOVE AND THE AFTERMATH 2008-04-26 17:42:00 The Washington Post Writers competition is asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line. Here a few that I thought of.I love you every morning, noon, and nightThat is, until I recovered my eyesight.When I married you, you're face was like silkNow it appears to be old curdled milkI loved the kisses between our two facesIt"s too bad you are now wearing bracesYour father said you would come around in timeThat was 2001 and now it"s close to 2009You said before marriage that you were a virginNow after two years I am still urgingOne look at you and I fell in loveWhat could I have been thinking offYou look lovely, happy, and sereneThen I awoke from this impossibledreamWhen you said did I love you, I said of courseSince that time I've been ful
Improv Class Performance 2008-04-28 19:50:00 Tomorrow evening I am presenting my improv class to the friends and families of the students. This improv performance is scheduled for 7.30 until 9 pm and will be videoed so that the students can later see how they performed in front of a public audience. It's to be held at National Louis University in Skokie, Illinois.There will be seven students out of a class that started with 16. Fright of being in front of an audience has made the other nine leave. Too bad, for we are not actors but performers who are having fun with improv games. More to report in days to come of what took place. Read more:Performance
DATING PROBLEMS 2008-05-01 08:40:00 A young man I know, age 27,tells me that he is having problems in dating. It seems that in trying to show he is a gentleman, he brings flowers or candy to the young woman on their first date. A problem might result in the fact that the girl might be allergic to both the flowers and the candy and thus the date does not start on the best of terms.He told me of a different reaction on his most recent date. He brought the young woman a lovely bouquet of flowers. A very expensive one. No, she wasn't allergic to flowers but showed her displeasure to him, by statng she did not own a vase to place the flowers in.
SHOW TIME 2008-05-01 08:24:00 Fifty people attended the big event, namely the workshop improv performance on Tuesday night. True it was free and mainly friends and relatives but it was a sellout. Only fifty seat capacity in the auditorium.There were startling funny performances from the class of seven plus me, the coach. That's what the comments were when the group joined the audience after the show ended.Someone even presented flowers to the class.The performance was videod and I hope to post a scene or two when the dvd is ready for viewing. We are ready to take the show on the road, that is, if some old people's home is looking for light entertainment for their residents.
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