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Trailer Review- The Hulk 2008-03-31 09:46:12 The Incredible Hulk
Five-Word Synopsis: This year’s Truman Capote (What?)
POINT
Alex: I’m pretty sure The Incredible Hulk came out like a few years ago. Why would th- oh man it’s Edward Norton.
What is it about The Incredible Hulk that attracts otherwise-successful individuals? Ang Lee went from the guy who directed a shockingly dry movie about magic gamma [...] Read more:Trailer
Rejected Scripts- The Free Market Triumphs Again 2008-03-26 09:52:44 Guess what- I finally sold one of my scripts! This director-guy, Roy Scuffy, bought the screenplay of one of the first movies I ever wrote, a lighthearted sci-fi karate extravaganza. It was based almost entirely off of those old Commander Keen PC games from the early nineties, but he didn’t seem to care too much.
Apparently, [...] Read more:Rejected
, Scripts
, Market
, Again
Trailer Review- Standard Operating Procedure 2008-03-25 08:08:23 Standard OperatingProcedure
Point
Alex: Every non-interview shot in this trailer was shot by someone who probably has the phrase “Principled and Stunning Aesthetics” tattooes across their chest in gothic script, and every interview they show is with someone who was actually involved in Abu Ghraib, something that most people would do just about anything, short of [...] Read more:Trailer
, Standard
Alex Presents: Three Things That Don’t Exist 2008-03-20 21:50:19 Thing That Doesn’t Exist #1: Pet Aliens (CJ7)
Stephen Chow, the funniest guy who could beat up Carl Weathers, brings you CJ7, which is… some crap about an alien? Specifically, an adorable, adopted alien, whose CGI isn’t particularly well done?
Oh, wait, hold on. I see rocket shoes. All is well.
Thing That Doesn’t Exist #2: Bead-Based Samurai Fighting Leagues (Redbelt)
Starring Tim Allen, of Home Improvement [...] Read more:Presents
, Three
Jim’s Art Cinema Korner– Our French Franchise! 2008-03-19 01:48:42 The following is an excerpt from our soon-to-publish French
spin-off. If you are interested in having a Japanese for Assholes Franchise of your own call 1-900-CONCEIT today!
Cinema
: Je Le Deteste!
Roman Da Gare
Non. C’est stupide. Cliche.
<No. This is stupid. Cliche.>
F
Priceless
Non. C’est cliche. Stupide.
<No. This is cliche. Stupid.>
F-
Love Songs*
1. Pretty People
2. Metropolitan Lifestyle
3. The Veracity of FilmDigital [...]
Trailer Review- Flawless 2008-03-17 15:41:34 Flawless
Five-word Synopsis: Michael Caine steals diamonds, hearts.
Alternate five-word synopsis: Demi Moore is there too.
Alternate, alternate five-word synopsis: The heist of the centenarian.
Point
Jim: Standard World War II Zombie Bank He- ah, fuck it: The sound of farting.
Is Demi Moore using a British accent? I honestly can’t tell.
Wait, she is: she prounces Can’t like the [...] Read more:Trailer
Trailer Review- Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull 2008-03-14 11:52:04 Indiana Jones And The Kingdom
Of The CrystalSkull
Five-word Synopsis: Indiana Jones will never die.
Point
Alex: How am I even supposed to feel about this? I love the hell out of Indiana Jones, and consider nazi-killing to be the most noble and gentle of all human endeavors. And Harrison Ford’s aging, while obvious, has just made him [...] Read more:Trailer
, Indiana
, Indiana Jones
Jim’s Art Cinema Korner, On: Foreign-ish Film! 2008-03-13 12:53:58 Cassandra’s Dream
So now the movie Woody Allen has decided to make again and again is The Martin Landau Parts of Crimes and Misdemeanors?
Just like how Annie Hall was a good movie but you didn’t need to make it 7 times, maybe give ‘half of Crimes and Misdemeanors’ a rest. I never thought I’d be pining [...] Read more:Cinema
, Foreign
Trailer Review- Horton Hears A Who 2008-03-12 18:40:32 Horton Hears A Who
Because that’s what the book was lacking– slapstick, self-reference, and combat between Horton and a vulture voiced by Will Arnett. Has any feature length adaptation of Dr. Seuss ever been anything more than horrible? And “Incredibly Horrible” is the best case scenario, as Mike Meyers officially made his Halloween-haunting eponym obsolete after [...] Read more:Trailer
, Horton
Alex Presents- The Wonder(s) of Childhood 2008-03-11 08:12:17 The Spiderwick Chronicles
Five-Word Synopsis: Nickeloden Presents
: Not Good Burger
Whether it’s an unpretentious, classical children’s story or a zero-effort phone-in about the fantabulous world of Professor Appleby’s magical forest, I can’t really tell. But hell, it looks okay, and there were some monsters in there, I’m pretty sure.
Although, I’m biased in favor of this kind of movie in [...] Read more:Childhood
Righteous Kill 2008-04-02 17:44:50 Righteous Kill
Five-word synopsis: Asshole cops, played by assholes.
POINT
Jim: You don’t become an actor because you want to create art or express those ineffable qualities of the human condition which is unexpressible by the common man. Anyone who believes that is an idiot. You do it because you get paid ungodly sums of money to stand [...]
Love Guru 2008-04-04 10:26:52 Love Guru
Five-Word Synopsis: A brief intermission between Shreks.
POINT
Alex: Mike Myers, the man whose career just will not stop existing, is back for another round of what he does best: directionless parody of things that may or may not actually exist, foreign accents that would be offensive if they were at all recognizable, and a level of [...]
Deception 2008-04-07 18:23:51 Deception
Five-Word Synopsis: Wolverine will get you laid.
Hugh Jackman, right off acting in a series of heavily-disliked movies and, we can assume, strapping on the old Wolverine claws for old time’s sake, stars in Deception. It’s one of those movie titles that is sort of shocking only because you can’t believe it hasn’t been used before. [...] Read more:Deception
Meet Bill 2008-04-09 10:37:45 Meet Bill
Five Word Synopsis: Murray’s last five roles (castrated).
Alternate Five Word Synopsis: NOT about Mr. Bill. Dang.
Point
Alex: Starring that guy from Thank You For Smoking in a slightly less smarmy role, Meet Bill is about a man trying to not get slapped in the face by his wife and in-laws quite so much. Luckily, some scruffy [...]
My Blueberry Nights 2008-04-14 08:53:16 My Blueberry
Nights
Five-word Synopsis: Wong Kar Wai’s Greatest Hits.
Point
Jim: It’s like that time Frank Black released an album of him doing old Pixies and Frank Black songs that he re-did as An Older Frank Black- who wants to pay money for a depressing testament of his former self in the form of an infinitely worse [...]
Tropic Thunder 2008-04-16 07:09:39 Tropic Thunder
Dear Ben Stiller,
So you’ve found yourself playing Derek Zoolander again, but this time he is an actor (instead of a model). I guess your last role was ‘Yet Another Coiled Spring Milquetoast ie the Male Lead From There’s Something About Mary,’ and your next is ‘Uninspired Voiceover in a Forgettably Mediocre Slash Insipid CGI [...] Read more:Tropic
Step Brothers 2008-04-18 15:09:39 Step Brothers
Five-word synopsis: Will they EVER grow up?
Oh, wait, that’s the actual tagline. Huh.
Point
Alex: I think this looks bearable, but I might be judging it by too low standards because Will Ferrell is in it and, against all odds, is NOT wearing a period facial hair and/or a rainbow afro wig. I also have inherently [...]
Anamorph 2008-04-21 07:57:13 Anamorph
Five-word synopsis: Good only from certain angles.
So t- wait a second, William Defoe goes by “Willem” Defoe? When did that happen? Is he re-inventing himself as a hapless Dutch boy?
Well, whatever his name is, he’s in this movie. Anamorphic paintings are pretty damn cool, I’ll give you that. But I wish people would stop making horror movies just because they found something neat on [...]
Bangkok Dangerous 2008-04-25 09:25:41 Bangkok Dangerous
Five-Word Synopsis: Cage attempts legitimacy, world weeps.
Point
Jim: The only way this could be even remotely redeemable is if it is actually, secretly a snuff film and Nicholas Cage is killed in the end. No hyperbole- I want him to be dead.
J/K! Death is too good for him.
F-
Counterpoint
Alex: I must disagree. Nicolas Cage is [...] Read more:Bangkok
Lakeview Terrace 2008-04-28 15:59:39 Lakeview Terrace
Point
Jim: Until the police twist this seemed like just another ‘ooh… the suburbs’ movie, in which general distaste for the pursuit of material security, a subcultural narrative in which aestheticized poverty is a virtue, and an irrational, disproportionate, and hilariously self-excepting fear of mediocrity supplants actual satiric insight as the deriding of Them justifies [...]
Zombie Strippers 2008-04-29 18:47:36 Zombie Strippers
Five-word synopsis: This is Madonna-level desperation.
Point
Jim: So, Jenna Jameson is embarrassed by her porn career, and now thinks that its preferable to be a 40 year-old ‘Plastic Surgery Nightmare’ version of Paris Hilton?
Anyways, this is utter shit.
F-
Counterpoint
Alex: There are two natural reactions to learning that a movie named “Zombie Strippers” is being made” excitement [...]
The Terrible Books of the Pharmacy, Part One 2008-05-05 10:00:08 If you’re like me, and you are constantly in line at the pharmacy trying to cash in index cards with “500 Percocets, please” written on them, then you know that the pill line is, impossibly, even stupider and more depressing than the rest of the store.
During my average seven hours per day waiting in the [...] Read more:Books
, Pharmacy
The Terrible Books of The Pharmacy, Part Two 2008-05-07 12:33:04 Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don’t
Amazon User Review: “Out of all the books, tapes, and resources that I’ve purchased on the topic of ‘creating your ideal life’, Michael Losier’s ‘Law of Attraction’ is the absolute best ‘nuts-and-bolts’ treatment I’ve ever read. Period.”
Based on [...] Read more:Part Two
, Pharmacy
, Books
Trailer Review- Brideshead Revisited 2008-05-08 00:02:49 Brideshead Revisited
Jim, In The Tissue-thin Guise Of A British Dandy That Is Quickly Cast (Half-)Aside In Favour Of Setting New Lows For This, Or Any Other, Website: I remember my summers in Victorian(?) England– peeking at napeskin, flirting with homosexuality, realizing that watching my social betters bicker in fancy clothes is bankable for a [...] Read more:Trailer
Trailer Review- Speed Racer 2008-05-09 08:13:57 Speed Racer
Five-word Synopsis: Lisa Frank Presents: F-Zero
POINT
Jim: Movies like this beg for producers to realize the artistic strengths and limitations of different media.
As a movie, who the fuck cares about Emile Hirsch triumphing over I-Couldn’t-Afford-Tim-Curry? Even if the race scenes weren’t airbrushed by South Beach t-shirt shops, they’d still wear out their welcome by the second [...] Read more:Trailer
, Speed
, Speed Racer
Jack and Jill vs. The World 2008-05-13 06:53:18 Jack and Jill vs. The World
A new entry in the flagging ‘Commodified Misanthropy’ genre, a niche that, once dominant in the world of independent film- insofar as it is made by a smaller studio that is owned by a larger studio that is owned by one of the five companies that owns the entirety of [...]
Jim’s Art Cinema Korner, On: (the) Fidgeting Frame 2008-05-15 17:00:57 Baghead
A handheld camera held by nobodies; a fat guy likes a girl who is way out of his league (but then there is a guy with a bag on his head).
Shot on location in the margins of the actors’ diary (but with a guy with a bag on his head).
F
The Take
A handheld camera jitters [...] Read more:Cinema
, Frame
The Joy of Cinema 2008-05-19 09:21:03 Baghead
Film School Technique: Handheld camera.
Jim: A fat guy likes a girl who is way out of his league; shot on location in the margins of the actors’ diaries.
F
Alex: Seems pleasantly tense, and I appreciate that I didn’t see everyone die in the trailer, and that I don’t know exactly what’s up. On the other hand, [...] Read more:Cinema
Hancock 2008-05-22 08:33:32 Hancock
Five-Word Synopsis: Will Smith: Scientologist, scientist, thespian.
Point
Alex: If there’s one thing Will Smith’s been good at the last four or five years, it’s making perfectly agreeable movies. I, Robot was fun, and I Am Legend looked pretty okay. And up next in that list of excellent airplane movies is Hancock, a movie that signals the [...] Read more:Hancock
American Teen 2008-05-26 21:07:27 American Teen
Five-Word Synopsis: Don’t you, forget about me.
Alternate Four-Word Synopsis: Don’t, don’t, don’t don’t.
“A modern day ‘Breakfast Club’ that will make you stand up and cheer,” gushes some reviewer chap from E! Online. It’s a throwaway line that looks good on a poster because a familiar movie title catches the eye. So, fine. Read more:American
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