Owner: Halfway Between The Gutter & The Stars URL:http://www.gutterandstars.net Join Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 09:57:11 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: This blog is designed to give me an outlet for my rants, raves & observations as well as allowing me to share some of the several (thousand) joke emails I receive each week. I do not mean to offend anyone, so if you do find something offensive to you Site statistics:Click here
Tomato Planet 2008-03-25 16:55:15 I stumbled across these guys on YouTube and I must admit to having been a fan ever since. When you need a serious laugh, check out the videos below and I’m sure, like me, you’ll have tears running down your face.
I Love It When You Call - The Feeling
United States of Whatever - [...] Read more:Tomato
The Things You Find on Youtube… 2008-03-24 18:23:55 Unfortunately, I’m old enough to remember when this originally charted…..
12 Things NOT to say to a Policeman 2008-03-24 18:19:54 1. I can’t reach my licence unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to [...] Read more:Policeman
, Things NOT
Redneck Vasectomy 2008-03-24 18:16:55 After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the [...] Read more:Redneck
, Vasectomy
Thought for the Day 2008-03-27 17:41:58 The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Today on The Stock Market 2008-03-27 17:33:51 Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even [...] Read more:Market
, Stock
, Today
Time’s Up 2008-03-27 17:32:20 As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying he called his grandson to his bed. “Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But,” whined the grandson, “I really don’t like guns, Grandpa. How about leaving me your Gold Rolex [...]
Is Heaven Fair? 2008-03-27 17:30:38 A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven
. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, “I am a taxi driver from New York City.” The angel standing at the gate calls out “next,” and the taxi driver [...]
Sex in Marriage….. 2008-03-30 16:05:04 One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run [...]
Delia’s Way 2008-03-29 17:38:14 Delia Smith is supposed to be one of the top female cooks in the UK, but does she live in the real World?? Read on to find out.....
Delia’s Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman’s Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of [...] Read more:Delia
Diagnostic Computer 2008-04-01 15:45:39 One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the [...] Read more:Computer
Elderly Spinster 2008-04-01 15:42:18 On her 70th birthday, an old spinster decides it's time to finally get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:
" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be [...]
Premature Ejaculation 2008-04-01 15:40:32 There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call [...] Read more:Premature
Elderly Sex 2008-04-01 15:38:28 A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks [...]
Another Local Murder… 2008-04-01 14:42:00 From the BBC at
A man stabbed to death in a north London street was the fifth murder victim in the area since January.
The man, aged in his 20s, was found lying in Bedevere Road, Edmonton, shortly after 2100 BST on Monday.
Police said they know the identity of the victim but are awaiting formal [...] Read more:Local
Mafia Accountant 2008-04-03 15:41:55 A Mafia
Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever [...] Read more:Accountant
Just Desserts 2008-04-03 15:39:43 A HUGE black guy walks in to a bar.
He goes to a little white guy and took his drink.
Then the black guy looks at the white guy and says "Got a problem with that?"
So the white guy says "You know what? I've been having the worst fucking day you can think of.
In the morning my [...]
3 Men in a Bed 2008-04-03 15:37:57 Three guys stayed at a skiing lodge, but there was only one room with one bed so they shared it.
During the night the guy on the left wakes up saying he had a dream where he got a hand job.
Incredulously the guy on the right says that he also had a dream where he got [...]
Greedy Lawyer 2008-04-03 15:36:53 A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like [...] Read more:Lawyer
What’s With The Gold? 2008-04-06 15:50:24 A man walks into a bar and sees a pot of gold. Curious, the man asks the
bartender what is with the pot of gold.
'Well, you see every day I give a challenge and whoever can complete the
challenge gets the pot of gold.' 'What's today challenge?' 'You see that
donkey. You have to make him laugh.'
The customer [...]
Clever Kid 2008-04-06 15:48:09 An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The [...] Read more:Clever
Mysteries of Life 2008-04-06 15:46:11 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
2. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?
3. Did you ever notice that when you [...] Read more:Mysteries
New Dictionary Definitions 2008-04-06 15:44:50 ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing
in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST :
Mud [...] Read more:Definitions
, Dictionary
Flat Tummy 2008-04-06 15:41:48 A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad [...] Read more:Tummy
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