Owner: Halfway Between The Gutter & The Stars URL:http://www.gutterandstars.net Join Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 09:57:11 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: This blog is designed to give me an outlet for my rants, raves & observations as well as allowing me to share some of the several (thousand) joke emails I receive each week. I do not mean to offend anyone, so if you do find something offensive to you Site statistics:Click here
What’s the Difference? 2008-05-07 16:27:53 A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat [...]
Oversized Penis 2008-05-07 16:24:46 Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason [...] Read more:Penis
Market Research 2008-05-07 16:22:23 A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, I [...] Read more:Market
, Research
Thought for the Day 2008-05-10 17:16:53 Growing Old - First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. Then you forget to pull it down. SHIT HAPPENS!!!
Quotes on Children 2008-05-10 17:10:03 The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway
The [...] Read more:Quotes
, Children
Notice Anything Different? 2008-05-10 17:04:44 Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but [...]
Superb Animation 2008-05-10 16:58:06 Words cannot describe this animation, so just watch it!!!
[youtube: Read more:Animation
Amazing Body Art Photos 2008-05-10 16:48:47 I must admit to having a distinct liking for some forms of art. Here is a gallery of some of the most amazing artwork I've seen, the only difference being that the canvas is parts of the human body.
[gallery=6] Read more:Amazing
R.I.P Lauren 2008-05-11 17:00:30 Catherine Tate has decided to kill off her most famous Character, stroppy teenager Lauren
from her hit BBC show. Lauren first appeared on Comic Relief ripping the absolute hell out of McFly and the Phenomenon just exploded from there. I for one will sadly miss Lauren and, just for the record, I AM BOVVERED!!!
Here is [...]
Cockney Boy 2008-05-11 16:52:03 All I can say about this video is WTF?!?!?!?!!?!
[youtube:
Misc. Funny Pictures Part 1 2008-05-12 16:27:00 I have ended up with so many images this month that I don't have time to categorize them, therefore, here is part one of this month's misc. humour picture gallery:
[gallery=7] Read more:Funny
, Pictures
Did we Land? 2008-05-14 16:36:17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered is ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light [...]
Perfect Response 2008-05-14 16:32:44 I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite to eat in McDonalds .
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting at the table next to us. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and [...] Read more:Perfect
, Response
Privacy 2008-05-14 16:28:56 Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keeps talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?
Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to enjoy your well-earned privacy:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop and open it.
3. Start up.
4. Make [...] Read more:Privacy
Next Life by Woody Allen 2008-05-14 16:23:08 ' In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when [...] Read more:Woody
, Allen
, Woody Allen
Company Sickness Policy 2008-05-16 16:53:25 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We [...] Read more:Sickness
, Policy
Nice Obituary 2008-05-16 16:47:24 Mrs Bickerstaff went to the newspaper office to arrange an obituary for her husband John.
‘I was so sorry to hear about John’s death,’ said the newspaperman. ‘He was such a kind man.’
‘Thank you,’ said Mrs Bickerstaff. ‘And what do you charge for an obituary?’
‘One pound per word, as many words as you like.’
‘It may be [...]
A ‘Classical’ Joke 2008-05-16 16:45:23 Beethoven died, had a great funeral with lots of music played, and was buried at his local church.
A couple of days later, a man was walking through the churchyard and heard a strange musical sound coming from the place where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the man ran to fetch the priest, who bent close to [...]
Top Ten Tunes That Are Completely Unsuitable For Funerals 2008-05-18 15:40:03 Burn Baby Burn – The Bee Gees
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes – The Platters
Killing Me Softly – Roberta Flack
Staying Alive – The Bee Gees
Funeral Pyre – The Jam
Light My Fire – The Doors
Buried Alive – Billy Idol
Dead or Alive – Bon Jovi
Satin In A Coffin – Modest Mouse
Another One Bites The Dust – Queen Read more:Funerals
, Top Ten
Anti Male Humour 2008-05-18 15:35:52 I've been accused of being sexist in recent months, so here is a little redress for the fairer sex...
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped [...] Read more:Humour
Housework Challenged 2008-05-18 15:31:10 One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.'
And they say blondes are dumb...... Read more:Housework
Why’s of Men 2008-05-18 15:29:09 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their [...]
The Murphy Twins 2008-05-19 14:55:41 Two guys are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and asks, "So, whe're ya from?" "I'm from Dublin", the other replies. "Dublin!, me *hic* too...bartender, get us a beer!"
A moment later he asks again, "Where did ye *hic* go ta school?" The man answers, "St. Mary's, *belch* graduated in '46." "St. Mary's? [...] Read more:Murphy
, Twins
Learn Japanese 2008-05-19 14:54:07 An Englishman on a business trip to Japan is having an affair with a local woman. While engaged in the act of love-making she suddenly screams out, "Nakasoui!" The Englishman is clueless as to what she is saying but assumes it must translate as 'Great.'
The very next day the Englishman heads out golfing with a [...] Read more:Japanese
Urine Sample 2008-05-19 14:51:49 One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to [...] Read more:Sample
The Priest & The Nun 2008-05-22 16:34:24 A priest and a nun are driving down a snowy road. Car gets stalled, they both start walking, up ahead is a cabin. They walk in, no one is around, but they notice one bed, one sleeping bag, and plenty of blankets.
Priest
says, "Sister you take the bed, I'll be on the sleeping bag." The [...]
First Confession 2008-05-22 16:31:26 A new priest is preparing to attend a confession for the first time -- he's extremely nervous. Father Murphy, the seasoned veteran, assures him it's no problem as there's a chart on the wall listing the sins and number of Hail Marys owed.
The first sinner enters the booth and says, "Father, forgive me for I [...] Read more:First
Three Hymns 2008-05-22 16:29:08 A gay guy goes into a church. He's got three $100 bill's in his wallet. He pulls out one of the $100 bill's and puts it in the offering. The man who's collecting the offering runs up to the father and say's, "Father, someone was generous enough to give us this $100 bill" The father [...] Read more:Three
, Hymns
African Roulette 2008-05-21 17:11:35 President Clinton was being entertained by an African
leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's [...]
Job in Heaven 2008-05-21 17:09:36 Three men - one Jewish, one Hispanic and one Italian - die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says there is only room for one soul at this time. He continues to say that the Pearly Gates need repair and the three men must offer bids to God [...] Read more:Heaven
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