Owner: Halfway Between The Gutter & The Stars URL:http://www.gutterandstars.net Join Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 09:57:11 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: This blog is designed to give me an outlet for my rants, raves & observations as well as allowing me to share some of the several (thousand) joke emails I receive each week. I do not mean to offend anyone, so if you do find something offensive to you Site statistics:Click here
Bags & Bitches 2008-04-29 16:41:05 Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them.
The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."
Little Johnny, never heard those words [...] Read more:Bitches
Workplace Health & Safety 2008-04-29 16:38:03 This is apparently a real response to a request from an employer:-
Dear Sir
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be [...] Read more:Workplace
, Health
, Safety
Commuter is fined for standing in luggage space 2008-04-29 16:28:15 I wouldn't normally post something like this but, having previously worked as a Revenue Protection Inspector on the railways, I couldn't resist.
From The London Evening Standard
Commuter who can't get a seat is fined for standing in luggage space near first class
A commuter who could not find a seat on her train but managed to squeeze [...]
Book Review - Zero Option by Chris Ryan 2008-04-29 15:15:05 Synopsis
What happens if an SAS Sergeant is tasked to assassinate the British prime Minister?
SAS Sergeant Geordie Sharp, locked in a desperate private battle with the IRA, is required to undertake two top-secret missions, in the full knowlege that, if they go wrong, the authorities will deny all involvement.
In the first operation he serves as commander [...] Read more:Chris
Psychiatric Visit 2008-04-30 16:02:50 GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so what
did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?
The psychiatrist kissed the girl
GIRL: …… Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his [...]
Husband & Wife Programmers 2008-04-30 16:00:06 CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = ‘Millionaire’ AND Count(Car) > 20 AND HouseStatus
=’ThreeStoreyed’
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having
Brothers= Null AND Sisters =Null
SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalanceFROM FatherInLaw
UPDATEMyBankAccout SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATEMyLockerSET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTOMyCarShed VALUES(’BMW’)
END
GO
Then the wife writes the below query:
DROP [...] Read more:Husband
, Programmers
Happily Married?? 2008-04-30 15:57:17 A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When [...]
Blonde in Pain 2008-04-30 15:44:16 A young blonde woman said to her doctor, “You have to help me, I hurt all over.”
“What do you mean?” said the doctor.
The blonde touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right [...] Read more:Blonde
Perfect Woman?? 2008-05-01 16:31:11 Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course “perfect.”
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road [...] Read more:Perfect
Marital Communication 2008-05-01 16:26:51 A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,”
the husband explained. “She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.”
He continued, “She communicates well and I act like [...]
New Year’s Resolutions for Internet Junkies 2008-05-01 16:23:38 1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.
3. I resolve to work with neglected children—my own.
4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
5. I resolve to back up my 10GB hard drive [...] Read more:Resolutions
, Internet
, Junkies
, New Year
Back Pain 2008-05-01 16:21:01 One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him” OK, what happened to your back?” The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. [...]
Funny Cat Pictures 2008-05-01 15:45:27 Here is a selection of funny images of cats I have received via email recently.
[gallery=1] Read more:Funny
, Pictures
Controlling Anger 2008-05-03 18:00:40 Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet…
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.. . Read more:Controlling
Are you going to tell him? 2008-05-03 17:58:52 A little boy came down to breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asked him if he had done his chores. “Not yet’ says the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well he is a little upset so he goes to feed the chickens, and he [...]
GI Insurance 2008-05-03 17:56:09 Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood [...]
Funny Poster Images 2008-05-03 17:50:02 Here is the second gallery of funny images to be uploaded using the new gallery. This gallery contains some funny posters that made me smile.
[gallery=2] Read more:Funny
, Poster
, Images
Optical Illusions 2008-05-05 16:41:44 Time for something completely different (Well, for the blog anyway). Here is a selection of my favourite optical illusions, some of them have questions so please feel free to post your answers in the comments.
[gallery=4] Read more:Optical
, Illusions
Had Too Much 2008-05-05 16:22:16 A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, [...]
Sheep Fries 2008-05-05 16:20:43 There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.
He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and [...] Read more:Sheep
Smartest Dog 2008-05-05 16:18:27 A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.
"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale [...]
The Lone Ranger 2008-05-05 16:15:58 A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw [...] Read more:Ranger
Neat Trick 2008-05-06 16:59:12 Your Age By Using Restaurant Maths
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number [...] Read more:Trick
World’s Shortest Books 2008-05-06 16:25:56 The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
The World
Guide to Good American Beer
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul [...] Read more:Books
Real Classified Ads 2008-05-06 16:16:42 Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to [...] Read more:Classified
Redneck Etiquette 2008-05-06 16:12:07 Going Out:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the [...] Read more:Redneck
, Etiquette
New Employee 2008-05-07 16:32:20 The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don"t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but [...] Read more:Employee
Hot Shot Business Man 2008-05-07 16:29:52 A young businessman had just started his own law firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look like a big hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was dealing for a [...] Read more:Business
, Hot Shot
, Business Man
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