Owner: Halfway Between The Gutter & The Stars URL:http://www.gutterandstars.net Join Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 09:57:11 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: This blog is designed to give me an outlet for my rants, raves & observations as well as allowing me to share some of the several (thousand) joke emails I receive each week. I do not mean to offend anyone, so if you do find something offensive to you Site statistics:Click here
Lift mishap 2008-04-19 16:51:11 A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard [...]
Little Nancy’s Goldfish 2008-04-19 16:49:14 Little Nancy
was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully [...]
Bank Secretary 2008-04-19 16:47:47 The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.
After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she [...] Read more:Secretary
Four Men & Their Sons 2008-04-20 16:36:14 These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Bill," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his [...]
Skinflint Businessman 2008-04-20 16:33:08 A businessman walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.
So the businessman hands over the keys to a [...] Read more:Businessman
Fixed Your Sinuses 2008-04-20 16:29:11 An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills [...] Read more:Fixed
America’s Finest 2008-04-20 16:26:55 The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question [...] Read more:America
Drunk Superman 2008-04-20 16:24:25 This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having [...] Read more:Superman
Flickr Update 2008-04-21 16:42:51 6 images added to Cars & Bikes
14 Optical Illusions added to new set Read more:Flickr
, Update
Thought for the Day 2008-04-21 16:14:10 I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
Three Hungarian Women… 2008-04-21 16:11:45 Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with [...] Read more:Three
, Women
Lack of Communication 2008-04-21 16:10:06 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick [...]
G.W Bush goes to hell… 2008-04-21 16:07:23 George W. Bush had a heart attack and died. He went to hell where the Devil was waiting for him. ‘I don’t know what to do here,’ said the devil. ‘You are on my list but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to [...]
Thought for the day 2008-04-23 15:45:30 If you're Chinese, at Chinese New Year, you get a parade in London.
If you're Irish, on St Patrick's Day, you get a parade in London.
If you're English, on St George's Day, you get called a racist!!!
HAPPY ST GEORGE'S DAY, THE DAY YOU CAN BE PROUD TO BE ENGLISH!!!!
by way of proof of some people's attitudes, [...]
Telling the time 2008-04-23 15:29:56 A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the [...] Read more:Telling
Milk a Cow 2008-04-23 15:27:25 A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.
The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and [...]
The Penguin 2008-04-23 15:25:45 A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five dollars, they kick him out, too. By this time, he's super-horny, so [...] Read more:Penguin
New Career 2008-04-24 16:52:40 A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had enjoyed up to the time he entered college, would be a good profession.
However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with [...] Read more:Career
Gay Steward 2008-04-24 16:50:01 The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if [...]
Album Review - Def Leppard, The Best Of… 2008-04-24 16:44:12 Track List
1. Pour Some Sugar On Me
2. Photograph
3. Love Bites
4. Let's Get Rocked
5. Two Steps Behind
6. Animal
7. Heaven Is
8. Rocket
9. When Love And Hate Collide
10. Action
11. Long Long Way To Go
12. Make Love Like A Man
13. Armageddon It
14. Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad
15. Rock Of Ages
16. Hysteria
17. Bringin' On The Heartbreak
Review
Totally blown away..... [...] Read more:Album
, Album Review
ABC of ex girlfriends 2008-04-28 15:59:56 A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and [...]
Electric Train 2008-04-28 15:51:08 A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last [...] Read more:Electric
, Train
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin 2008-04-28 15:46:47 A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going [...] Read more:Husbands
, Virgin
The Prisoner 2008-04-28 15:41:46 The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison."
And then [...] Read more:Prisoner
Use Condoms… 2008-04-27 16:46:25 There can't be a more convincing argument than this...
[youtube: Read more:Condoms
Koala in a Whorehouse 2008-04-29 16:45:18 A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.
She wakes up and decides that since it feels so [...]
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