Owner: Halfway Between The Gutter & The Stars URL:http://www.gutterandstars.net Join Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 09:57:11 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: This blog is designed to give me an outlet for my rants, raves & observations as well as allowing me to share some of the several (thousand) joke emails I receive each week. I do not mean to offend anyone, so if you do find something offensive to you Site statistics:Click here
Nice Cover Story 2008-04-08 16:29:35 A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take [...] Read more:Cover
Broke Housewife 2008-04-08 16:27:42 There was a woman and her husband. They were happily married except for the fact that the husband never gave his wife any money.
One day, a friend of the husband's comes over while the wife was taking a shower. He rings the doorbell and the wife comes out, wrapped in a towel. He asks, "Is [...] Read more:Housewife
50 Things that ALWAYS happen in movies 2008-04-08 16:25:25 1. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Then you’re in trouble
2. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris
3. Computer passwords are easy to crack - they are always the third thing you think [...] Read more:movies
Viagra Coffee 2008-04-08 16:19:08 This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The [...] Read more:Coffee
Relative Position 2008-04-08 16:17:04 A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the coworker does, [...] Read more:Relative
Forgotten Anniversary 2008-04-09 15:41:40 Ron was in big trouble with his wife. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ron got up early and [...] Read more:Forgotten
, Anniversary
Tea Party 2008-04-09 15:39:55 When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and [...] Read more:Party
, Tea Party
One Man & His Dog 2008-04-09 15:37:22 A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a [...] Read more:One Man
Golfing Accident 2008-04-09 15:32:36 Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed [...] Read more:Golfing
Car Repairs 2008-04-09 15:26:58 Apparently, This is a true story...
The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding rom under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was wearing shorts,his [...] Read more:Repairs
Error Messages 2008-04-12 17:33:45 "The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..."
"WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."
"COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key."
"Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though."
"Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!"
"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..."
"Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)"
"General Failure's Fault. [...]
Lessons in Management 2008-04-12 17:31:20 Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox [...] Read more:Lessons
, Management
Potentially vs. Realistically 2008-04-12 17:26:35 A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”
“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”
The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“Now go ask your [...]
Twins?? 2008-04-13 16:23:07 A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, ‘Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you’ve got there. Are they twins?’
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: ‘Of course they bloody [...] Read more:Twins
Computer Passwords 2008-04-13 16:20:44 A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this [...] Read more:Computer
Lessons in Management (2) 2008-04-13 16:17:58 Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he
went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you”.
Unfortunately, the girl said “NO”. So Johnny replied, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money [...] Read more:Lessons
, Management
Difference between guts and balls 2008-04-13 16:13:19 We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the [...]
Elderly Medical (2) 2008-04-13 16:11:17 An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, ” I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”
The wife yells back [...]
Thought of the day 2008-04-16 15:33:34 If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The dress of love 2008-04-16 15:31:39 An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress
of love."
When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are [...]
God’s Plan 2008-04-16 15:29:35 A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital [...]
Blonde Secretary 2008-04-16 15:26:34 "I'm really exhausted. I think I'll take some time off from work," said the executive.
"And just how do you think you'll do that?"asked his extremely blonde secretary.
You just watch what I do! Then he proceeded to climb up to the rafters of the building and hang upside down.
Just then the boss walked in, saw the [...] Read more:Blonde
, Secretary
Thought for the day 2008-04-17 15:54:17 The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Pregnancy Pain Machine 2008-04-17 15:47:14 A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. [...] Read more:Pregnancy
, Machine
Deep Thoughts 2008-04-17 15:44:43 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two [...]
Deodorant 2008-04-17 15:41:40 A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", [...]
London Underground… 2008-04-19 17:07:38 So it looks like the tube strike is off. Typical, you set up a post and they ruin it. Bollocks, I'm gonna do it............
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE LONDON UNDERGROUND SONG!!!
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Thought of the day 2008-04-19 16:55:04 There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
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