Owner: Lessons From Lou URL:www.lessonsfromlou.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2007 00:06:10 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Chronicles the journey of a beloved husband and father through the brain tumor world, and after, written by his beloved wife. How we dealt with this devasting diagnosis and death Site statistics:Click here
Cleaning House 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I haven't cleaned out any of Lou's things yet. I like having his closet full of his clothes. It makes me feel less alone in our room. It's less empty. Sometimes, I just look at all his clothes, touch the sleeves of his suits, and bury my head in the shirts that still smell of his cologne. Eventually, I'll probably find homes for some of his clothes. But some will probably stay there, in the closet. Keeping me company. I haven't really gotten rid of much, yet. I did get rid of a file box hiding in our room that had bank statements in it from 1988, no attachment to those. The medications...that's another one. I still have all of Lou's pills lined up in the cabinet where we kept them. And there are alot of pills. Don't ask me why we still have them, I don't know why. I could use the shelf space. Everyone knows I am not a neat nik. So the fact that I have not yet gotten rid of anything of Lou's probably doesn't surprise anyone. The thing is, LOU was the pac Read more:Cleaning
, House
The Best Gifts 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Two years ago, we were almost done with 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy at this time. Lou walked into his doctors offices in the middle of December, when the treatment was finished, and they were amazed at how good he looked. His tumor had shrunk 50% in size from the treatment. It was one of the best Christmas presents ever. We didn't know at that point that the damage the tumor had done was irreparable. We celebrated mightily, thinking we might beat this thing somehow. The other best Christmas present ever, besides the year Lou gave me my engagement ring, was the year Lou survived an 8 hour emergency surgery on December 18, twelve years ago, for an aortic aneurisym. He was still in the hospital for Christmas, but he was out of intensive care. It was a very sad Christmas for us, yet God gave us the most magnificent gift in allowing Lou to survive that catastrophic event. Those were the best Christmas gifts. The gifts that didn't come wrapped in boxes. For all Read more:Gifts
Progress ? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Very busy day today. Busy is good. Many days, I can't seem to get anything accomplished. Not today though. Today I actually got through the to do list. That's major these days. The queen of multi tasking has been missing in action since Lou died. It's like I just closed up shop. It's amazing to me how much I can actually ignore. Maybe there's a lesson in that, too. Life is going on, we are muddling through even though I have been sleep walking most of the time. Not good. But today was different. I actually got up and stayed up. This is also major. So, I was feeling pretty good about it all, pretty good that I got some things crossed off the list. Pretty good that I made it everywhere I was supposed to be without being drastically late. Wow, what an improvement. I was trying to figure out why today was different. Maybe it was the sunshine, even though it was practically sub zero. Maybe it was the time I got to spend with my mom, who left today. Maybe it's my
Christmas Past 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Watching the original Christmas
Carol was a tradition of Lou's. The old, grainy, black and white original. He liked to watch it on Christmas Eve, sometimes it would be 3 am Christmas morning. Sometimes, he'd watch it earlier in the month, but usually, close to Christmas. He adored it. He usually shed a few tears. I always wondered what made him such a fanatic about Christmas? Maybe it was the way his immigrant Dad had to work so hard. Lou was driven about Christmas, in a good way, but I often worried he'd get a heart attack rushing around the way he did, and it was ALWAYS at the last minute of course. There was the year he talked Neiman Marcus into letting him buy the Brio train set that was part of the window display. It was not for sale. It was a huge set already assembled on a baseboard. They told him it was not for sale, but he persisted. They let him come back and buy it on Christmas Eve. He walked home carrying this huge thing. Another year, he bought this p
Bon Voyage 1970-01-01 00:59:59 We embark to far away lands today. To a different part of the world. Far away from Christmas lights, bustling streets and crowds of shoppers. My sons, and I. Away, for two whole weeks! A different Christmas, as they will always be now. We will learn how to "do" Christmas again. But not this year. This year, we escape. This year, we close ranks. Lick our wounds.
Wishing you peace this holiday season, and love. Especially love. It's the greatest gift of all.
See you in 2007. Read more:Bon Voyage
, Voyage
Well Done, Please 1970-01-01 00:59:59 He liked his pumpkin pie "well done". Meaning, it should not be mushy or too soft, and the top should have some darker spots. He loved pumpkin pie, as long as it was well done. He also loved turkey. The white meat. And he liked it DRY. He did NOT like it too moist. I often wondered if he REALLY liked his pumpkin pie and turkey well done, or if it was his way of dealing with my lack of culinary skills. I can make dried turkey. I can make well done pumpkin pies. And he was fine with that. Lou always said that I never made a meal he didn't eat. What a saint. But I digress. We haven't had years of Thanksgiving traditions that we follow. I'm kind of glad. It made today a bit easier. For many years, we went to Lou's mom's for Thanksgiving. When it got to the point that she was unable to do it, we went to his brothers. We only had it at our place a few times all those years. Then, we started going out. Lou felt very strongly that it was too much work, too much mess, Read more:Please
A Good Year. A Good Movie. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Movie night. I'm so glad I have girlfriends. A Good Year was the film of choice tonight. OK, so the critics panned it, who cares? Russell Crowe, in control in London, and out of control, in Provence, what's not to like ? Great soundtrack, I purchased it immediately from itunes when I got home (my new hobby, purchasing from itunes). Beautiful scenery. Albert Finney. Directed by Ridley Scott. Russell Crowe, oh yeah, I already mentioned him. And some french woman for you guys (not to mention the american woman, but the french one is of course, the love interest ). It's charming, light, and funny. There's only one problem with the movie. It's hopelessly romantic. By now, you know what that means, for me. Runny mascara. Kleenex. And that ache in my heart that doesn't go away. I HAD that. I HAD romance like that. I did. And it was good. It was really, really, good. It was a Good Life, for real.
Who Knew ? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Lots of people DIDN'T know. And for some strange reason, they are finding out NOW. Plenty of people did not know about Lou. That he was sick. That he is no longer with us. I know that. I know that some people did not know. I didn't hear from folks I thought I would hear from. No matter. It's not like I was going to pick up the phone and say, "hey guess what?'. The problem is, we live in a large apartment building. Lots of people. Lots of aquaintances. And they don't all know. Lou was not out and about for the last few months. People assume he's still here, that's understandable. It's the questions in the elevator that get to me. We are all so polite and perfunctory. It starts with the usual, "how ARE you?". You try to guage the look in their eyes, the inflection....do they know, or not? You say you are , "oh, ok". Aren't we all, always, " ok"? And then it comes. "How's your husband". Remember, large building, not everyone knows everyone's name. You
Lou's Gift 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It came to me in the wee hours of the morning. I'm tired of being sad you know. I'm tired of HEARING myself, can't imagine how OTHERS must feel. This blog is getting to be a drag, right, admit it. What to do. What would LOU do ? What would Lou want ME to do ? It came to me like a bolt of lightning. Lou has left me a tremendous gift. He left me a business to run, he left me two wonderful sons to enjoy, he left me with a cause, too, ie: brain tumor work. He left me with a roof over my head. After the memorial, a dear friend talked to me about what he will miss most about Lou. What he said was that Lou raised the bar, for all of us. That when he was around Lou, he was a better person. Because Lou expected that. Because Lou challenged you for that. Because you wanted to be on your toes around him. Because Lou was so extraordinary himself. He did challenge me. He pushed me to take on things I didn't want to sometimes. And he tried to help me become a more mature pers
Out of Africa 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm back. I've been back one week. But now I realize, I'm back, in more ways then one. I'm back, physically, from the trip. The trip of a lifetime. But I think I am back emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Maybe. I just may be. I think I am back, from the fog, haze, and quicksand better known as...post traumatic stress maybe ? I'm a bit more clear headed it seems. More present, in this world. Wow. How did I get here? I guess I went away, to get back to here. To get back to the land of the living. Maybe, just maybe.
We went to Africa
. We spent Christmas, my birthday, and New Years, in Africa. On safari, in Kenya, and on the beach, in the Seychelles. Saw God's beauty at every turn. Chasing lions and rhinos. Gazing at giraffes in the early morning. Falling asleep to the sounds of animals rumbling under the stars. Waking with the birds. Smiling faces, everywhere. People with so little have the biggest hearts. Washed by the waves of the Indian ocean, o
A Red Dress 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I really like the color red. I particularly like WEARING red (note the profile pic). Red is a "feel good" color, and when I wear it, it is just about impossible not to feel good. Most women have to have a "little black dress" in their wardrobe. Not me. Never me. I've always had to have a little RED dress in my wardrobe. Black doesn't make me feel good. I wore navy to Lou's memorial. A dress I am sure I will never wear again. Anyway, over the years, I have had some great red dresses. Lou always loved me in red too. He hated it when I wore what he called "drabby" colors, the beige/taupe stuff. He liked me in deeper, vibrant colors. He was right, as he usually was. Anyway, I am on a mission to find a new dress to wear to a black tie wedding. A dear friend's son is getting married next weekend. I wasn't planning on going, these types of things are too difficult. But lots of our friends will be there, and I know it is going to be so lovely. Hopefully I can handle it. Read more:Red Dress
The Rest Of The Story 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's still arctic here. It got better for a few minutes yesterday when it snowed, but it's back to Siberia again. Which takes me back to the story...yesterday's story about the fur coat. There is more to the story. As I was saying in yesterday's post, Lou gave me a gorgeous fur coat for Christmas, 2004. Only I had to actually buy it myself, since he was unable to. Now then, back to the story. The coat was on sale, but I was, of course, still concerned about the expenditure. The salesman (the older greek guy), asked me about my old coat, whether or not I wanted to trade it in for a credit on the new coat. I told him the old coat meant an awful lot to me since Lou gave it to me the year our first son was born. I really wanted to keep it, or perhaps have it made into something else, a jacket maybe. He told me to bring it in so he could have a look at it. When I brought it in, he said it was much too old to do anything with it, that it would just fall apart, and I'd be be
Venting Today 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm doing everything I am "supposed" to be doing to help myself get through this. I have lots of wonderful friends and family. I have work to do. I have causes to help. I have books to read and places to go. I KNOW what to do, or what they "say" to do, to get through this. I AM doing it. But it isn't working. It isn't working at all. It LOOKS like it is working, to everyone else. But it isn't. It isn't at all. The fact is, it's empty. And lonely. And seems without purpose. I need another message from Lou. Maybe that will help. Read more:Today
, Venting
Another First 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I have just returned from my first out of town business trip in over two years. I have not traveled for business in quite some time. I am grossly out of practice. I used to do this alot. Many years ago, the kids were younger then. From that standpoint, it was hard. I loved the work but the being away was hard, no doubt about it. But you get into a routine, and you just do it. I'm out of the routine. And, the routine has changed. No more pulling up to the airport a half hour before take off. I was wide awake at 3 am worried I'd be late for a 9:30 flight. And it's such a drag to practically undress in front of everyone waiting in the security line at 6 am . Then you have to empty the contents of everything you are carrying. Horrors, I forgot we are not allowed nail files and they took my teensy tinsy toothpaste tube, evidently it was not teeny enough. I'd be a horrible road warrior nowadays. At any rate, the trip was to New York. It is a trip that Lou used to mak Read more:First
An Early Valentine 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm sort of a nut about valentine's day. Maybe it has to do with loving the color red. Or maybe it's remembering carrying home a shoebox full of valentines in grade school, hurrying home in the cold, crisp Michigan weather, to open them up, one by one. I love homemade valentines of course. I love valentine treats. I love giving valentines. It's just a fun holiday. Nothing heavy. Even though without your beloved it is a bit sad, it can still be fun. So today, I put my valentines books out. It's February afterall. Just silly Peanuts and Snoopy books and a few others from when the kids were young. And inside one of them was a note that must have been sent with flowers, from Lou. Must have been from a Valentine
s Day past. A simple note that made me catch my breath. "Love you always and forever". An early valentine, from Lou. It made me happy, actually. Like he had just sent it from heaven. I'll have to open it again on Valentine's day and try to surprise mysel Read more:Early
Two Years Ago 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Two years ago today, my beloved daddy died. He died in his sleep, after "successfully" coming through a difficult surgery. It broke my heart. I still can't believe he is gone. When my brother called me that morning from the hospital, I knew. I knew why he was calling. And I became hysterical. Damon was in his room, it was 6:15 am and he was not yet up for school. He was probably frightened at my hysteria, not knowing the reason...thinking it was something with Lou. He didn't come into our room to find out what was wrong. Finally, Damon called his brother. And then Drew called me. It was awful, just awful. The entire thing was awful. Because Lou could not grasp it, could not remember it, from moment to moment, so I just couldn't talk about it. Because it would be the "first time" for Lou, every time it was mentioned. And Lou was very fond of my Dad. So we just didn't talk about it. I went home for one night, hurried back for Lou. No wonder I can't believe my Da Read more:Two Years Ago
, Years
UNLOCKED! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 FINALLY! I CAN POST AGAIN!!!
For some strange, bizarre, unexplainable reason, the Google robots deemed my blog as possible SPAM (imagine THAT), and hence, I have been locked out from posting for the last almost two weeks now. I came THIS CLOSE to sending a letter to the owners of Google,as I was totally unable to get ANY response AT ALL from ANYONE within the Blogger universe. And I tried EVERYTHING. The worst part about the whole thing is that the automated email from the spam robot said if they did not hear from me my blog would be DELETED within a few weeks. IMAGINE THAT! DELETED into the cyber after life, how appropriate. This had me up at night worrying, I kid you not. I think I'd better figure out how to save all this. In the meantime, the entry below entitled "A Red Dress" was written a week or so ago and saved. That much, they allowed me to do.
And, in case you are wondering, I did buy a black dress. It will have to do, for now.
Back to bed, again 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm back to my old habits I'm afraid. I started out the year so well, the trip and all, I thought maybe I had left my bad habits behind. But no. I am not strong enough. I'm not strong enough to get up and face the day. Oh I get up. But then I usually get back in bed, pull the covers over my head. I think my friends and office have had it with me as I usually show up late to everything because of this. I can't help it. This is the time, and place, that I feel closest to Lou. When he was sick, there came a time that I did not want to leave him alone in bed. So I stayed in bed with him until later in the morning, when we would get him up. And that was precious time. My favorite time with him. And I really miss it. So, now I dab Lou's cologne on his pillow, and I snuggle up with it. And I squeeze my eyes shut really really tight. And I can almost, ALMOST, feel him. Almost. So that is why I can't get up, and that is why I'm always late, and that is why the mornings
Another First 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It was a fairy tale wedding, Saturday night. Could not have been more beautiful. Such a well matched couple. Their futures so bright before them. Everyone so happy. The bride was exquisite. Her father, so proud. I am glad I have sons. I am glad the tradition is that the father walks the bride down the aisle. We won't have to worry about that at least. Lou won't be there. He won't be there to see his sons get married. That hurts, deeply. How proud he would be, whenever that time comes. This was the first wedding I've attended since Lou died. It was hard. Parts of it were very hard for me. The vows. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health..." Sigh. Those vows are real. I took them very seriously. And I am proud of that. We had the "better", we had "health", so we take what comes with it. That's what a vow is, isn't it. No matter what. I remember our day so clearly. How sure I was. How happy I was. How in love I was. How long ago that was. So long Read more:First
Back To Shred 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I haven't really been angry about all this since it began. I am not an angry person, in general. When Lou was diagnosed, I was petrified, but not angry. And, sad, certainly. Very sad. Then I sprung into action. And my attitude was that we had to play the hand we were dealt, and that we would play it as best we could. And, I think we did. I know we did. You get too wrapped up in getting through it to really be angry. Too wrapped up in trying to take care of your family, your household, and of course, your beloved. Where does anger get you, really? But, today, I got angry. Oh yeah, I was very angry the day I found those pills Lou was never able to take. So, I guess cleaning out is what gets me angry. Because today was designated cleaning day. Another new years resolution. I only made TWO. I am supposed to take one day a week to go through Lou's things, and everything else I ignored for two entire years. Lou left behind wayyyyyyy tooooooo many boxes of files, papers,
It's Just A Car 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Or is it? I think not. I think it is NOT "just a car". It's a part of the family. For all the times I felt it was NOT the car that was "right" for me, because it was really LOU'S car, I now find that parting with it is like putting a family pet to sleep. A little background. When I met Lou, he had a little two seater, convertible sports car. He loved that car. I came to learn that he always had nice cars. Nice, as in foreign, cars. I grew up in Detroit. My dad worked for General Motors. There were NO foreign cars in OUR family. There were hardly any foreign cars in Detroit for that matter. I know nothing about cars. They are not all that high on my priority list. I did like the sports car, of course. We drove it for two years until Drew was born. We actually put his car seat in the small space in the back for awhile, not a good idea. Then we graduated to the sedan. And that was our car, for 23 years. That is still our car. That's why Lou bought nice cars I g
Well, That Explains It 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Excerpts from an article of interest in the Chicago Tribune, as if this is front page news, but it was:
Scientists measure 5 stages of grief
Most people's anguish eases after six months; others might need treatment, study finds
By Ronald Kotulak
Tribune science reporter
Published February 21, 2007
When a loved one dies, people go through five stages of grieving, according to accepted wisdom: disbelief, yearning, anger, depression and acceptance.
Now the first large-scale study to examine the five stages suggests that they are accurate, and that if a person has not moved through the negative stages in six months, he or she may need professional help dealing with the bereavement
The study, published in Wednesday's issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, also found that, contrary to common belief, yearning or missing a loved one is a far more dominant emotion than depression--meaning mental health experts who treat the grief-stricken may need to refocus atte
Naptime 2007-03-01 07:10:00 As I was saying, time for a new car. I went car shopping today. Not my idea of a good time. In the middle of car shopping, I got a $120 ticket for an expired city sticker. It expired LAST JUNE. How did I miss that? Why didn't I catch it? Why didn't some other cop give me a ticket sooner, instead of today, a gloomy, gray day, in the middle of car shopping? OK, maybe, just maybe, I had something fairly MAJOR going on back then, true. But I should have noticed it by NOW for gosh sakes. It costs $75 for a new one, plus a late fee of $40. I'd have the $75 expense either way, but now I'm down $160 for this little outing. And, it will be time for a new one in June again. I had to take a nap when I got home. It's the only way to deal with such things. I just absolutely HATE not having someone to share days like this with. Of course, if Lou were here, this would not have happened. The car was his responsibility, and he was always on top of things. But so was I, for Read more:Naptime
The Story Continues 2007-03-06 23:14:00 There is yet another installment to the "fur story". I thought it was over, not so! If you don't know the "fur story", you might want to go back to read the post about "Brrr Furrr", and "The Rest Of The Story", then you will understand how the story continues, today's topic.
You will recall there was an older greek man involved in the fur story. I have not seen this man for two years. Not since MY greek guy bought the fur from him for my Christmas gift two years ago. Rather, I bought the fur, Lou gave it to me. That's all explained in the previous posts. Anyway, last winter, I looked for the man in the store he was working in when we bought the fur the year before. He told me he comes to Chicago to work for a few months in winter, his specialty is selling furs I guess. Why he would come to CHICAGO, in WINTER, from GREECE, is beyond me, tho if you want to sell furs, I guess this would be the place. I didn't see him last winter. This year, when I went to pick up the OL
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