Owner: Lessons From Lou URL:www.lessonsfromlou.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2007 00:06:10 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Chronicles the journey of a beloved husband and father through the brain tumor world, and after, written by his beloved wife. How we dealt with this devasting diagnosis and death Site statistics:Click here
Allnighter 2007-07-10 04:39:00 It's been a long time since I've "pulled an allnighter". But, here I am. Getting awfully close to pulling an allnighter. Just a few more hours. It's work related. In a good way. Been a long time since work has kept me up all night. Guess that's a good thing. It's a good thing that there is work to do. It's a good thing that the work is so involving. Because when it is this involving it takes my mind off things. THOSE things. LOU things. When I'm all wrapped up like this, I don't think about him every five minutes. I don't see him in my mind as much. I don't wonder what it was like, what he thought, what he felt. So, this is a good thing, huh. So, all I have to do is work non stop and those thoughts will stop. Wow, what a concept. I think I'll go sleep on it. For a few hours. A cat nap. I'm too old for this.
Random Thought 2007-07-13 11:07:00 I still sleep only on my half of the bed. It's a nice bed. But it's half empty. Read more:Random
More Random Thoughts 2007-07-15 10:35:00 In no particular order. ( And, I STILL don't know how to create a list in html. I still don't know how to do ANYTHING in html, sorry for the run on sentences).
l. When you don't have to get dinner on the table for anyone but yourself, it's way too easy to have chips for dinner.
2. When you have chips for dinner, you do not feel so well the next morning.
3. I still can't do certain things alone. Especially on a weekend night. Date nights.
4. I wish I could.
5. Summer still goes much too quickly no matter what stage of life you are in.
6. I get to golf and go to baseball games all I want now and it isn't what I want.
7. Work is good.
8. Even too much work is good, now.
9. There's a comfort in being surrounded by life as it was
10. I hate being surrounded by life as it was
And so it goes. Happy Sunday. Read more:Random
My Sweet Pea 2007-07-20 01:40:00
I'm trying not to only write about my sadness. I'm trying not to only write about missing Lou. In fact, I'm thinking about moving on from this blog sometime fairly soon. It seems to repeat itself with some regularity. It gets old, doesn't it? Even my best friends have stopped reading it. Who can blame them. So today....not about Lou. Not about me. It's about my darling Sweet
Pea. She's my now 5 year old great niece. She turned five earlier this week. She's a very special child. Not just because she is my great niece. But because she is so joyful, so smart, so cute, so sweet. She just oozes goodness, all that is good. When Lou was sick , she would climb right in bed with him and talk to him, bring him his pills. She was never frightened by any of it. And, they were with us the day he died. I think he was waiting for her to leave, he left us twenty minutes after she went home. She's precious. I'm very close to her. We have a special bond I think. Havi
Mom 2007-07-24 23:58:00
My mom is the best. She's great fun, a serial shopper, always upbeat, makes friends wherever she goes, loves to watch her teams (Detroit), is generous in all ways, is always there for you, likes practical jokes, will try anything once, and is a self acclaimed "fast food junkie". She's not a good cook, is disorganized, has no sense of direction and is tone deaf. She's getting old, becoming forgetful, and is slowing down. I love her dearly.
She lost the love of her life two years ago. My dad was one of a kind, an absolute gem, he was everything, and more. They met on my mom's first big job after graduating high school. She was a secretary for General Motors at the age of 17. My dad was an accountant there, and 7 years older. On her very first day, my dad asked her out. She said she had a boyfriend and couldn't. She then promptly broke up with her boyfriend. Two days later, she told my dad she broke it off. He then asked her out for that night. The rest is histo
PS 2007-07-27 23:19:00 I forgot to say this in my previous post. Thank you for your comments, those of you who do. I appreciate it. Especially some of the recent ones. I'm thinking about starting a new blog, a continuation for sure, but a slightly different focus. Don't worry, you'll be the first to know!! Thanks for reading.
"A Year Ago" 2007-07-27 22:41:00 I play the "A Year Ago" game quite often. It goes like this. I often think about where we were a year ago. Where we were in this brain tumor journey. Last summer, I could say things like: "A year ago, we still went out for walks". Or, "A year ago, we had gelato down on our front porch". Or, "A year ago, we danced at a wedding". The game is not as much fun as it used to be. Not that it was ever fun. Let's just say, it's a way to think about things, to put them in some sort of order. This summer, I can only say things like, "A year ago, Lou could be with us in the family room". The truth is, a year ago, Lou was declining, rapidly. But, I can still say something about Lou and "a year ago". And, I like to be able to do that. It keeps him closer somehow. I just realized tonight, that soon, I won't be able to say "a year ago, Lou ...". Soon, I won't be able to reflect on what Lou was doing a year ago, because a year will have passed. I don't like that. When
Golfing With Lou 2007-08-04 21:57:00 Lou loved to golf. He loved the GAME of golf, not just golfing. He loved to watch it on tv, read about it, and play it. It's a gentleman's game, or it should be. He loved the rules, the etiquette, the beauty of a well kept golf course. He was pretty good at it too. He won the big tournament at the club once. His name is on the trophy on display in the bar. It is only fitting, then, that he would gift me with a set of clubs and golf shoes when we were married. I'm not all that athletic. I took years of ballet. They didn't have much in the way of girls sports when I was growing up. I played softball and ran away from the ball whenever it got near to me. But then, I couldnt really TELL if it was near to me because I absolutely REFUSED to wear my much needed glasses while playing. So much for my sports career. I was a cheerleader. And watched my two brothers play every sport imagineable. Nonetheless, I figured I should try golf since Lou obviously wanted me to. My f Read more:Golfing
Another list that isn't a list 2007-08-12 00:58:00 I'm still amazed by how alone you can feel while living in the middle of a big busy city. It's saturday night. Can you tell. Maybe if the Cubs won I wouldn't be feeling so lonely. At times like this I have to remind myself:
TOP THEN THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR TODAY (I so wish I knew how to do html so this would appear like the list IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!).
1. Girlfriends who spend the night and drink champagne.
2. A really really good book that you can't put down and then when you do put it down, you can't forget it. Read it: "A Thousand Splendid Suns". I want to read it again. Now. And I just finished it.
3. Music. Instant mood changer.
4. Hitting the ball down the middle of the fairway. It can happen.
5. A drop in the humidity. We can breathe again and it wasn't a bad hair day.
6. Gelato for dinner.
7. Gelato just about any time.
8. Son #1's safe return with all his laundry.
9. IMing. Sometimes.
10. Tomorrow's another da
Blog Break 2007-08-20 00:13:00 Am taking a brief blog break to tend to some family business, work business, off to college business, and vacation business somewhere where there won't be internet access unless I go to the public library which certainly will not be open at the time I usually write! I will be away on August 31, the one year anniversary. Maybe that is a good thing. We were away for the first Christmas without Lou. Some firsts are just too hard to face. When I return, I will be an empty nester, for real. My 18 yr. old son/roommate will be ensconced at college. Another chapter will begin. Another autumn, without Lou. Forever is such a long long time. Perhaps a break will help. See you in September my friends. Read more:Break
What matters 2007-09-23 20:53:00
The sun shone so brightly today and the sky was so blue. Perfect. It was a perfect day. The Cubs are winning and none of it matters
. It really doesn't matter at all. What matters is that this is my niece, on her 36th birthday just a week or so ago, with her two sweet little girls. What matters is that she has breast cancer. What matters is that she just started her treatments and is not feeling well, at all. On this glorious fall day, she is not feeling well. Please pray for her. Please pray that she can stay strong throughout the treatment. Prayers matter. Your prayers matter. Thank you so very much.
Symphony, the sequel 2007-09-20 21:24:00 Last night was symphony night. First one of the season. I only go to four over the season, with girlfriends. I was a bit edgy about going. I've written about this so many times before. Classical music , Lou.....he loved it. And we listened to an awful lot of it while he was sick. It helped. If it was the right piece, it could help, alot. Then we went to the symphony, that one January day, when he was sick. I wrote about that, too. How happy I was to finally get him there, again, only to have him ask, as we left Symphony
Center, "where were we just now". All hopes, dashed. It was the last time we went to Symphony Center. Last season, I was moved to tears several times as I thought of him, that last time we went, how much he loved classical music. So I was curious how I would handle it, this year. There were feelings of deja vu, yes. But, the program was wonderful. Absolutely astounding, really. I just soaked it up. Loved it. Wished it could go Read more:sequel
September 11 2007-09-11 09:04:00 September 11, 2001 looked exactly like this September 11. The day was crystal clear, sunny, bright blue skies, with the beginning of fall in the air. The night before, I had been at a Cubs game with work buddies. It was a perfect evening. Same incredible weather. And the Cubs won. I can remember, very clearly, an associate saying, "it doesn't get any better than this, does it". We all agreed, it doesn't. A pefect night, good friends, baseball. I t doesn't get much better than that. And then came the next day. September 11, 2001. Everything changed, didn't it. It started out normal enough. I tell this story because it says so much about Lou, about the kind of husband and father he was. He had an out of town business trip that day. He left home at around 6 am. for his flight I think. We never left each other without a proper goodbye. We learned that BEFORE 9/11. 6 a.m is just a tad early for me, so I went back to sleep until 7:00. Read more:September
Life Calls 2007-09-09 18:46:00
The beach is always good for thinking. Yes, it was a year. August 31. A year. Seems so long ago. A lifetime ago. Lou was sick for so long before that, we are really talking three years, or more, since he's been here. The real Lou. A long time. The day was sad. Empty. Was away, with friends. And traveled home, alone. Lots of time to think. Traveling is good for that. Beaches are good for that. Summer is over. Fall is in the air. My favorite time of year. Except for the memories it brings. Of first dates, of new love, of a new life with that new love. So long ago. New beginnings. That's what fall is for. Life is calling. I heard it, on the trip. It calls like the sea does, beckoning you to jump in. To get off the shoreline. To throw yourself in, not just dip your toe. There are songs I want to sing. Again. I want to dance. Again. I want to wear a red dress. Again. I think I want to live. Again. I think life is calling. And I want to answe
Fun, again 2007-10-02 09:12:00
Cubs are in. Cathy's happy. Cathy's VERY happy. This is Cathy at the last home game of the season. She's happy, can you tell? Wow. Happy. That's a new concept. This summer, my main goal was to have fun. Selfish, huh. The last three summers have been extremely difficult and painful. As we all know. Summer of 04, leading up to Lou's diagnosis, was not good. We all walked around on eggshells, scratching our heads wondering what was wrong. Didn't get to alot of games that year. Didn't have alot of fun. At all. Then the next two summers........well, no need to go there, now. So THIS summer, I had one main objective: have fun. Simple huh. It's not so simple when you are no longer used to it. It's not so simple when you are surrounded by memories, pictures, and everything else that goes with another life. It's not so simple when you are no longer part of the old couple. You find yourself wondering how to have fun. if yo
Lessons From Cancer 2007-10-03 22:00:00 As I sat in traffic on my way up to my niece's house the other day , I thought alot about what the whole thing taught me. The journey we were on. The last four years. The cancer thing. I look back at pics of me from 4-5 years ago and realize I was a baby. I knew nothing. I thought I knew alot. Thought I had it all. How wrong I was. Because all that, is gone. And now, I wonder, what does that mean, "to have it all?". And, did I really lose it all? And, if I lost it all, what did I gain, in it's place? I know I gained alot. As difficult as it is to say it, I gained alot from losing Lou. From the process of losing Lou. Now, I find myself drawing upon these lessons each and every day, as we find ourselves on another cancer journey. A different one for sure, but a cancer journey, again. I hate cancer. I don't think I hate anything as much as I hate cancer. And it's everywhere. There must be a reason, but heck if I know what it is. Is God trying to tell Read more:Lessons
, Cancer
A Red Dress, Redux and a Fond Farewell 2007-11-01 15:02:00
Yes, it's true. This will be my last post. Saturday night, I wore a red dress. This is a pic of me, the red dress, and the gorgeous flowers I was given for the event. If you do not know about me and red dresses, take a few minutes to read this post: Tuesday, January 16, 2007 , and you will then understand. You will understand what it means to me to have worn a red dress this weekend. You will know that wearing a red dress again means it's time to end the blog. You will know that wearing a red dress means I'm happy, again. That it is possible to be happy, again. It's possible to dance, sing, laugh, play and wear red dresses again. It's possible to look forward. It's possible to get through a day without thinking of what we went through. It will never leave me. The journey, it will always be a part of me. Lou, our love, our life together...wrapped in my heart, forever. But I know there are new journeys to take. And I know the heart can hold mo Read more:Redux
, Farewell
, Red Dress
Digging 2008-03-09 21:56:00 Today I had to do some digging. Not digging in the garden, because, well, you know, I don't have one, or even a lawn for that matter. No, digging to find something in the piles of cards, letters and notes I still have from when Lou died, now 18 months ago. I found what I was looking for, but I also found so much more. I realized it is impossible to fully read and absorb the notes of sympathy that are sent after the death of a loved one. It is too hard to. And, it was too hard for quite some time, for me, anyway. The words are meant to comfort, but they are oh so hard to read, at the time. So painful. Today, I went through every card and note in that basket. Many, I did not remember having read before. Such beautiful, touching words. Such an amazing man he was, who touched so m
A Sense of Spring 2008-03-04 21:08:00 It could be coming. It will be coming. Afterall, daylight savings time is coming, so spring has to be coming...at some point. I could smell it today. The air was just ever so slightly fuller, warmer smelling in some way. When he was little, Drew used to say "it smells like baseball" when spring arrived. It doesn't quite smell like baseball yet, but it's coming. I could see it, in the sun that set later than usual, such a welcoming sight, walking home from yoga in the twilight, not darkness. I could feel it, the air was not as frigid as it has been. It was almost balmy, somewhere near the 40s probably. We hardly have spring here in Chicago, we tend to go from winter to summer, with a few days inbetween. Spring
to us is melting snow, gloveless hands, open coats and smiles. Read more:Sense
In The Moment 2008-02-22 20:20:00
I didn't like yoga when I first started it, about six months ago. It was boring, repetitive, and too slow. I didn't see the point. But for some reason, I stuck with it. Little by little, I started to like it. After a couple of months, I could get half way through a class before I got bored. Now, I am not ready to stop when the class ends. I've learned alot from it. It's purposefully slow, that's the point. To be mindful. To be focused. To be in the moment. And to be flexible, and open. A by product is the fact that it is a form of exercise. That's not the real reason for yoga. I get that, now. I thought it was for exercise. It's for alot more than that. It was just what I needed, when I started, but I didn't know it, then. Now I do. The other day, in class, the in Read more:Moment
On The Occasion Of A C-Scan 2008-02-20 09:32:00 I recently had the occasion to have a C scan. Not to worry, really nothing important at all, thankfully. I waited in the same waiting room Lou and I waited in so many,many times for his MRIs. Was taken into the scan room, laid on the table. The feelings it brought back were visceral. All the times we walked into those rooms. All the times Lou went into the machine, all the times I held onto his feet while the machine did it's duty. All the times I helped him get through the maze of the dressing room. All the times he did not know why he was there, what he was doing. All the times he was such a good egg about it all. My stomach hurt thinking about it. I wonder if those thoughts ever stop. I wonder if I'll ever be able to walk into that hospital without feeling anxious. When I
Extra Ordinary 2008-01-23 13:05:00
Things are not always as they seem.
This morning, I awoke to what appeared to be a "flat" sky at dawn. By "flat", I mean the color was diffused, soft, misty looking, with no real focal point. Beautiful, yes, most definitely. But the first word that came to me was "flat". Maybe because that is how I was feeling. Flat. For a whole host of reasons. I reached for my glasses (blind as a bat), just to take another look at the flat dawn. It was not flat at all. It was utterly amazing. A very distinct, wide, ray was shooting upwards from the horizon, from the sun that was still sleeping, somewhere below the water. I could hardly believe my eyes, it was THAT beautiful. What I thought was a pretty, but somewhat non distinct sky, was so much more when I made the effort Read more:Extra
Pretty Good 2008-03-16 01:41:00
Sometimes, I actually feel pretty good about myself. About where I am, now, almost nineteen months later. That we made it through that awful journey, somewhat reasonably intact. OK, not entirely intact, but reasonably. That I learned all about that nasty thing, and marshalled every weapon we could to fight it, as fruitless as it ultimately was. That we made it as good as we could for Lou, as bad as it was for us. Sometimes, I do feel pretty good about myself. That I finally did get out of bed months later, put one foot in front of the other, and went back into the world. That I found my way, with lots and lots of help, but found it nonetheless. That I've traveled, sent a second son off to college, got back to work. That I've learned to enjoy my own company, most of the ti Read more:Pretty
Join Us! 2008-03-18 12:07:00
Saturday, April 26, is the third annual "Path To Progress" Walk/Run for the American Brain Tumor Association. It is Team Beres' second annual appearance. We can do better this year. Join us, and make this picture bigger. Walk with us, we'd love to have you! Of course, donations are greatly appreciated as well. The ABTA exists to raise funds for research to find treatments and someday, a cure, for this awful disease. And, they provide much needed support for brain tumor patients and families. They are funding some amazing research. I am now a board member, I can vouch for what the organization does. It isn't a "popular" disease. It doesnt' get much attention. It needs all the support we can muster. I don't need to tell you how devastating the disease is. You can
Opening Day 2008-04-01 02:34:00
No, they did not win. But it did go 10 innings, and our new guy from Japan made a game tying home run in the bottom of the 9th, oregato buddy! No, they didn't win, but it is baseball season again, another winter is over (maybe), and we are all still here. Life is good. It is. Anytime you can watch baseball in Wrigley Field, it's good. No matter what else may be going on, if you're at Wrigley Field, it can't be all bad. Hence the hat.
Hope Springs Eternal 2008-04-05 17:12:00
I know more than a few people who are in real need of HOPE right now. If ever there were a season for hope, spring is it, isn't it? How can we not have hope, when there is beauty such as this, all around us? We must have hope. We have to have hope. I really hope, that my dear friends who are in such dire need of hope, find it. Soon. Maybe this lovely rose will help. I hope so. Read more:Springs
, Eternal
A Rose Is A Rose 2008-04-19 22:44:00
" Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."
--Voltaire
Last weekend was an emotional one for me. What would have been my 27th wedding anniversary was Friday, April 11. My niece was married on April 12, and I attended the wedding. She carried gorgeous red roses. I carried one red rose when I was married. Lou send me one red rose every Tuesday from the beginning of our courtship until I had to stop it when he was sick, because it just made me too sad. I think he either bought a rose farm or purchased a lifetime supply. I love roses. Who doesn't? But the quote, above, pictures of these special roses, the would be anniversary, and m
Busy Living 2008-04-19 00:59:00 Been busy living lately. Very busy. All of a sudden, I find myself pretty busy. I'm doing things I didn't have time to do much of while working and raising a family. Those days were busy, too, in a different way. Work, the boys activities, etc. Then came the brain tumor and life stopped pretty much. Busy, yes; the doctors, treatments, research, caring for Lou. Very busy. But very focused. Then came the great sleep, and the sleep walking, when I couldn't do anything at all.....for so long after Lou died. And now. Little by little, I've become very busy. I'm not used to it I think. It's good. It's good to be busy. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just trying to fill the empty spaces. I know I can be alone quite well, so I don't think that is it. What I think it is, is that I' Read more:Living
Spring Cleaning 2008-04-27 17:22:00 I still can't do it. 20 months after the fact, and I still cannot get rid of Lou's things. I have to. I have to empty these closets. I have no problem parting with most of my outdated clothing, but HIS things.....why is it so hard? The coat we bundled him in to sludge off to chemo, MRIs and doctor appointments that long, gray winter...why can't I part with THAT for heaven's sakes? It doesn't exactly hold good memories, for the most part. But, it was the last coat he wore, and I liked him in it. Neither of the boys are his size, so that idea is pretty much out, except for maybe golf hats, ties, and the like. I've given a few things to good friends and family, but I still have so much. I can see why some people do this very early on. I've tried a few times along the wa Read more:Spring
, Cleaning
, Spring Cleaning
Mommy Moments 2008-05-13 00:52:00
I love this picture. To me, it is such a great snapshot of motherhood. My dear niece and her sweet daughter. A day we went out for a walk, while Lou was sick. I remember the day. It was the beginning of summer. That summer, they came to keep me company often. Anna brought such joy to our household while life was draining out of it. I remember this mommy moment. Both wearing blueberr Read more:Mommy
, Moments
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