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49th Annual Grammy Coverage 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
No one was more shocked than I to see my former fashion consultant and fitness trainer had finally made the 'Big Time'.--particularly after he stole all my feather boas and ate my Chicken McNuggets. Read more:Annual
, Coverage
, Annual Grammy Coverage
Replacing the Chick Magnet 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
[LOBO]
I told the people at Carmax.com that I wanted the hottest, coolest, fastest, girl-kissinest car that was ever madeAfter they ran my credit, they recommended the ANDYCAR XLS
The sales guy boasts this sporty compact has "immaculate interior, immeasurable mileage, and good, sturdy suspension". Read more:Magnet
Next Year In Review 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator PressTIGER WOODS LOSES COOLFILMING COMMERCIAL,KILLS "SNAP"Threatens "Crackle", "Pop"
Next Year In Review 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
[LOBO] click image to ... uh ...Ethan, drunk and on vacation in Cancun,passes out cold with hats on backwards[As a gag, we airbrushed out his muscles.]
Tinker 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
[LOBO]
Admittedly, I've been "cheesing out" on the writing lately, and causing somewhat of a dial-up pile-up with all the pictures.But while millions and millions of Luddite readers merely bitched and moaned, I was spending countless hours trying to build the Predator Press site map.
A "site map", Lady Pyrate explained to me, is a series of HTML code that makes your site search-friendly to Google and Yahoo robots and spiders.
Now, call me crazy, but robots and spiders will buy less of this crappy Predator Press merchandise than even you ... and my house is already piled to the sky with crates of baseball caps and T-shirts.
It's very simple if you think about it:
a) Robots look lousy in the sweaters, and are not even approved to have Paypal accounts yet, and2) spiders are just plain icky. Read more:Tinker
The Final Frontier 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
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"I just don't believe practice makes perfect. I think practice makes you just like everyone else. And that's why I'm underlining this as one of my unique qualifications for the job"
--Something in that sentence costed me my astranot gig with NASA. Read more:Final
, Frontier
Next Year In Review 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
[LOBO]
Well, at least they stopped using curse words.
Malaise 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Look," says RDO. "If you wanted to be an astronaut so bad, why did you give NASA this obviously phony letter of recommendation from Steven Hawking?"
"Steven Hawking and I grew up together," says me. "We met in 4-H. It was good times. We used to road-load on the tractor and throw empty Boonesfarm bottles at the Chess Club while they were playing Dungeons and Dragons"
"This letter is handwritten. In crayon"
"That whole wheelchair thing is an act. It's like his gimmick. In reality, we play racquetball every Tuesday and Thursday. And you should see the tail that guy pulls down … it's fucking amazing. Whenever the guy mentions the "Planck's Law' or "quantum flux', you can almost hear soggy panties hit the floor"
Predator Press Reviews: Ghost Rider 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
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I don't know why he does it, but once or twice a year Ethan makes me go and do a movie review.And like clockwork, I come back yawning from the new Hollywood catalog of eye-popping special effects and budget surpluses, loosely wrapped around a $2 script.
But this year I was pleasantly surprised; this movie was a lot of fun.
The first thing that stands out about GhostRider
is the all-star cast: it features a flaming skull, a tall skinny guy and a chick with fantastic cleavage, and a stellar myriad of various other supporting actors. For a documentary about a tall skinny guy selling his soul to the devil for a chick with fantastic cleavage and then becoming "Flaming Skull Guy", I think there's going to be huge buzz about the performances when the Oscars come around this year.
Still, while exhilarating, it was a rather disturbing piece for me --a former "Ghost Rider
" myself—to watch.
***
I'm phobic of cotton.
Hey, some people are snake Read more:Predator
PREDATOR PRESS EXCLUSIVE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
Infuriated, Michael Jackson insistshe is Anna Nicole's 'baby-daddy'
Location, Location, Location 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
LOBO MOVES INTOLAVISH NEW PAD
"It's cool, but the neighbors are all real assholes.... Does anybody 'really' know what this button does?" Read more:Location
49th Annual Grammy Coverage 1970-01-01 00:59:59
Predator Press
If I had this outfit, I would walk around in blizzards just to freak people out.... I'll bet I could take out major intersections with a single verse of "The Macarena". Read more:Annual
, Coverage
, Annual Grammy Coverage
Tom Sawyer 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
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I've been going to Weight Watchers meetings for six weeks now, wearing 20 pounds of leg and wrist weights and a 35 pound plate tucked under my jacket.
Tonight, for the "Weigh In", I'm leaving it all at home.
I am soooooo getting laid …… Read more:Sawyer
Oh Yes I Did 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
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You know how I was wearing fake weights so I could hit on sensitive and vulnerable chicks with low self-esteem at Weight Watchers meetings?
Well, then I did something kinda reprehensible: I claimed to have invented the Fat-Burning Twinkie, and started to sell them at $4 a pop there.
Now, a $2 box of Twinkies has, well, a lot of goddamn Twinkies in it. I figure I can make maybe 5-6% on this deal, right?
At first, Weight Watchers Corporate didn't notice anything. I --having dropped the weights-- had lost about 55 pounds while everyone else gained two or three. The net result was pretty much zero.
Ultimately, it was an IRS guy that busted me out. He had a shoebox full of checks from Weight Watchers "known associates" --currently embroiled in a lawsuit against Weight Watchers-- totaling $26,420, all made out to "cash", and all signed by me.
Weight Watchers Corporate is just plain jealous.
CHICK MAGNET (NOT SHOWN) TAKES 3RD 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator PressDaytona 500 Exclusive
"Jesus Christ you guys drive fast!... So where are we?"
LOBONIA SURRENDERS; SUES FOR PEACE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
Shortest Insurrection in US History
"The sooner we get our Reparations, the sooner we can rebuild," says Lobonain Chancellor. "Now will you please turn my cable back on?" Read more:SURRENDERS
Predator Press Reviews: Canadian Bacon 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
[LOBO]
Well, the author of such books as Bowling For Columbine and Fahrenheit 911 has gone and scared the shit out of me again with his latest documentary CanadianBacon
, starring critically acclaimed Rip Torn and a lot of other really talented actors.
In this movie, Roger Moore unveils footage of Americans concocting a phony threat from another country in order to secure political stability and fulfill the agenda of a greedy profiteer that personally benefits from America's participation in a war.
--God, if I would've written it as a science fiction story you wouldn't have believed it.
Well, needless to say, I panicked and seceded from the United States.
No, I'm serious. I have proudly hoisted the new flag of Sovereign LOBONIA.Rather "geographically inconvenient" for Capitalist pig-dogs, LOBONIA is smack in the middle of Illinois, and surrounded on all borders by entire suburbs of lousy hostiles and bewildered, asshole neighbors.Becau Read more:Predator
Let the Healing Begin 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Predator Press
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Despite the unjust, immoral, lopsided, asymmetrical offensives the US wreaked permanently upon our local economy, tourism and industrial might by shutting off our cable, we bravely carry on under our new oppressors.
But Phil is sick.
I knew something was wrong; he cranks out kittens like four times a year! But the vet just called with his test results, and he has "elevated kidney levels" and requires more tests.
I think it's a little ironic that of everyone in this house --and their respective diets and lifestyles-- the cat is cracking up. Read more:Healing
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