Owner: USA Tomorrow News URL:http://www.usatomorrownews.com Join Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2008 14:34:59 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: USA Tomorrow takes pride in providing America with the finest inaccurate, completely garbage, not-even-entertaining news of the future. With the motto, “News so new, it hasn’t even happened yet,” USA Tomorrow has rebuilt itself taking advantage of the min Site statistics:Click here
Member of The California Raisins Simply Shrivels Up and Dies 2008-03-12 14:19:18 Bass player Stretch was found in his North Hollywood home Thursday, dead from natural causes. Medical Examiner Mika Daver explains, “Upon examining the body, I found his insides were, well mush. He just simply shriveled up and died.”
Stretch gained fame during the late 80s as the bass player for rock group The California
Raisins. The [...] Read more:Member
Spitzer to quit job, not pussy 2008-03-12 12:45:48 Disgraced New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer
said Thursday he is resigning his post, effective Friday, but he vowed to “keep living it up with the whores.”
Spitzer, the former Wall Street corruption buster known for preaching ethical responsibility, has been accused of meeting a high-priced prostitute last month in a Washington, D.C., hotel.
He apologized to his [...]
Bush launches surprise media tour, whines about being ignored 2008-03-11 23:50:47 Lost amid a frenzy over this year’s unconventional presidential election, President Bush has unleashed a surprise of his own: a media
tour filled with unexpected appearances and childish revelations.
Bush began his tour this morning on The View, where he discussed the emotional hardships of being a lame duck.
“It’s not like it used to be, in [...]
Spears Family: Adopt-a-Failure Program 2008-03-11 21:41:22 LOS ANGELES - Recently published photographs of a golf outing between ex-husband to Britney Spears
, Kevin Federline, and her own father raised some eyebrows in LA this week. According to caddy Eve Sropper, the two discussed an issue near and dear to Brit’s parents – cleaning up their tarnished name.
In an ill-conceived move to return [...] Read more:Family
, Program
McCain blasts Obama for dodging Vietnam 2008-03-10 11:10:59 Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain
, R-Ariz., told a hand-picked group of Pennsylvania veterans Thursday that Sen. Barack Obama
, D-Illinois, faked a broken arm to avoid serving in the Vietnam
War in 1968.
“The American people will have a hard time trusting a president on foreign policy who himself ducked serving his country during a [...]
OBIT: Walker, Old Man 2008-03-10 11:00:28 He’s referred to by friends, loved ones and shoppers as, Old ManWalker
. While most believe him to be taking a short nap, Walker will perish Tuesday morning while riding home on the bus. He does so, ironically, shortly after doing what he loved.
Walker is a familiar face at the mall, where he regularly waited [...]
Tom asks 227 million MySpace friends if he can borrow a few bucks 2008-03-10 08:55:46 A cash-strapped Tom Anderson, president of social-networking website MySpace
, attempted to hit up his 227,259,523 MySpace friends for some money yesterday in order to buy a burrito, a large Sprite, and a bag of Fritos at a local 7-Eleven.
“Dudes, I’ll totally pay you back next week,” Anderson wrote on his blog.
It’s not the first time [...] Read more:million
‘Real’ cool school teaches D-list fame 2008-03-09 19:18:41 WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA - A new charter school is gaining popularity for its radically new curriculum – reality television. STARZ Academy in West Hollywood is being touted as the premier school for students who aspire to grace the small screen for fame and fame alone.
“Our school is about giving students the tools to reach [...]
To the shock of many, Favre not actually dead 2008-03-05 16:10:47 Green Bay, Wis. – Area residents were perplexed and relieved Thursday when they realized Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre
hasn’t actually died.
The apparent confusion stemmed from excessively saccharin media and fan tributes, coupled with the keening mourning call that could be heard echoing through Green Bay Tuesday and Wednesday.
While many realized the deluge [...]
Monopoly caught in eye of subprime storm 2008-03-14 15:57:02 The housing market increasingly gloomy, Rich Uncle Pennybags — better known as Mr. Monopoly — announced Friday afternoon he intends to pursue stricter lending regulations.
“Lax and excessive lending policies have affected our end game for too long,” Pennybags said during an appearance at Marvin Gardens. “We believe these changes will keep those without a $500 bill [...]
Singer Björk Chosen to Lead Newly Independent Tibet 2008-03-16 13:22:31 APRIL 15 — By an overwhelming margin, the citizens of Tibet
have elected Icelandic pop singer Björk as the first president of their newly independent country.
Björk, who never formally announced her candidacy nor even publicly acknowledged awareness of her candidacy, was the popular favorite following a March 7 concert she gave in China, where [...]
Hooker in Spitzer scandal is illegal immigrant named “Juanita” 2008-03-14 22:14:17 NEW YORK — Initial reports about the call girl whose liasions with former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer
essentially forced his resignation may not have been entirely accurate.
“Kristen” - the high-priced call girl - claims her real name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre and that she’s from Belmar, New Jersey, a small beach town on the [...] Read more:Hooker
, illegal
, named
Freecreditreport.com guy to work with Kanye, Timbaland on debut album 2008-03-19 00:06:58 Eric Violette, a.k.a. the Freecreditreport.com guy, inked a five-album deal with Roc-A-Fella/Island Def Jam earlier today — ending an intense, three-month bidding war by several labels for hip-hop’s hottest free agent.
Nicknamed the “Next Great White Hope” by XXL Magazine, Violette said a healthy stream of bootylicious stripper ass and Cristal almost convinced him to sign [...] Read more:debut
, debut album
, Kanye
, Timbaland
Kucinich makes un-startling revelation 2008-03-17 19:38:04 WASHINGTON — Congressman Dennis Kucinich
made on Wednesday what he thought would be a startling revelation to his home state and the nation: he’s in fact a Keebler Elf.
The Ohio Democrat was tearful as he made the announcement at Hyde Park in a Cincinnati suburb, in front of a tree strikingly similar to that of [...] Read more:makes
An elderly Mr. Bucket kicks himself 2008-03-20 07:50:45 The phrase “kicked the bucket” never rang more true than it did Friday morning at the home of Mr. Bucket. After a lifelong battle of popping balls out of his mouth and dealing with extremely long arms and no legs, an 86-year-old Mr. Bucket kicked himself peacefully in his sleep.
Mr. Bucket, born in the early [...] Read more:elderly
Veteran actor’s moniker confuses college grammar lesson 2008-03-20 06:50:50 The Oscar-nominated actor best known for his roles in The Larry Sanders Show, Men in Black, Freddie Got Fingered and Dodgeball can now add baffling a Washington State University’s English 100 class to his list of personal accomplishments.
At the request of Associate Professor Gordon on Monday, the class broke into groups of five and deconstructed [...] Read more:lesson
, Veteran
Obama Sees Bump in Polls Following Remarks By His Uncle Tom 2008-03-19 21:39:11 Presidential Hopeful Horrified That White Americans Approve of ‘Crazy’ Relative
March 26 — Mere weeks after Barack Obama
saw his approval ratings among white voters take a dip following racially charged remarks by his former pastor — a man he referred to as like a member of his own family — an actual family member, Barack’s [...] Read more:Following
, Polls
, Uncle
Smokers blow it, anti-tobacco advocates say 2008-03-25 10:41:45 MADISON — Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle on Thursday blamed his state’s projected budget shortfall on the state’s smokers, citing a drastic dropoff in revenue from the recently imposed $1.77 per pack cigarette tax.
State lawmakers assumed when they passed the budget last year that cigarette taxes would bring in $987.5 million through June 30, 2009. Earlier [...] Read more:Smokers
Congress on foreign spammers: Return to sender! 2008-03-25 10:00:29 Congressional hardliners have a message for senders of foreign-language e-mails – say it in American.
Anti-immigration lawmakers’ efforts, which have previously focused on undocumented aliens’ acquisition of U.S. jobs, welfare benefits and driver’s licenses, involve those cryptic e-mails that employ non-Roman characters and increasingly plug U.S. Internet channels. Most recipients assume the messages are spam, but [...] Read more:Congress
, Return
, spammers
Democrats turn to bracketology to pick Presidential nominee 2008-03-24 22:47:14 New Yorkers upset state doesn’t get No. 1 seed, vow to be ruder to out-of-state tourists
WASHINGTON D.C — The Democratic National Committee announced today that it will pick its Presidential
nominee using the NCAA basketball bracket method, choosing one state to “determine the party’s candidate.”
The announcement took many by surprise including those who [...] Read more:Democrats
Democrats laud scandal history 2008-03-27 19:11:02 Bill Clinton sat with a certain look of pride on his face, watching news coverage of the Eliot Spitzer scandal like a proud papa at his son’s first Little League game.
Clinton, of course, is the standard-bearer for all political scandals, Republican or Democrat. However, Democrats
looking to stem criticism following New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s [...]
Obama to black voters: Barack Gon’ Give It to Ya 2008-03-27 09:27:28 Responding to speculation by rapper/actor DMX that BarackObama
“ain’t that nigga’s name,” the Democratic presidential hopeful vowed Friday to make a renewed effort to reach out to the nation’s hip-hop population.
“The time has come,” Obama said, raising his right hand at a campaign rally in Baltimore’s Upper Fells Point neighborhood, “for us to stop [...]
New York Governor Paterson Admits To Being Shooter On Grassy Knoll 2008-03-25 23:59:11 Continuing Vow To “Come Clean,” Says He Accidentally Assassinated Kennedy, Used To Eat Cats
March 28 — New York
governor David Paterson, following recent admissions of extramarital affairs and drug use, disclosed to reporters yesterday that he also used to steal and eat neighborhood cats, robbed several banks in the 1980s, inspired the dance moves for [...] Read more:Governor
, Shooter
Fat guy says Baconator doesn’t have enough bacon 2008-03-28 11:46:41 ANYWHERE, America – A random Fat Guy has declared war on Wendy’s for false advertising, claiming the “Baconator” doesn’t have enough bacon.
According to the Fat Guy, the burger – which boasts two slices of meat, two slices of cheese plus six slices of bacon – and retails for about 99 cents does not have enough [...]
Democrats laud scandal history 2008-03-27 19:11:02 Bill Clinton sat with a certain look of pride on his face, watching news coverage of the Eliot Spitzer scandal like a proud papa at his son’s first Little League game.
Clinton, of course, is the standard-bearer for all political scandals, Republican or Democrat. However, Democrats
looking to stem criticism following New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s [...]
New York Governor Paterson Admits To Being Shooter On Grassy Knoll 2008-03-25 23:59:11 Continuing Vow To “Come Clean,” Says He Accidentally Assassinated Kennedy, Used To Eat Cats
March 28 — New York
governor David Paterson, following recent admissions of extramarital affairs and drug use, disclosed to reporters yesterday that he also used to steal and eat neighborhood cats, robbed several banks in the 1980s, inspired the dance moves for [...] Read more:Governor
, Shooter
Baseball ‘08: Dodgers have had enough of ‘half-assed’ fans 2008-03-31 22:29:54 LOS ANGELES – The Los Angeles Dodgers
’ vain, self-absorbed fans, more known for disinterested posing than loyal game attendance and enthusiastic cheering, are making their players sad
“In that one game where we were playing that one team, I hitted the ball really hard,” said star center fielder Andruw Jones, who this offseason signed a 2-year, [...]
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