Owner: A Tykes Progress URL:http://tykesprogress.blogspot.com Join Date: Sun, 18 Feb 2007 07:08:38 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: I work in Law Enforcement, but don't hold that against me.. I usually see the funny side of life, if it can happen to anyone it will definitely happen to me. Site statistics:Click here
Catalogue of Errors. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A few days ago I returned home from work to find two very large catalogues on the doorstep. So I picked them up and took them inside. On the doormat were two letters from the catalogue company addressed to the lady who lived here before us. She had obviously forgotten to inform them that she had moved. So being the nice bod that I am I thought that I would call the catalogue company and inform them that she no longer lives here. One minor point, I don't have a forwarding address or telephone number for her. Oh well, at least they can have their catalogues back, from the size of them there must be at least half a tree in each one. So I called the company;The disembodied voice on the other end of the line kicked in on the third ring, "Thank you for calling Big Fat Catalogue
s, if you are calling to order a cataloge please press one on your telephone pad? If you are calling to place an order from your catalogue please press two on your keypad" and so it went on. Why is there never an opti Read more:Errors
A Little Adventure into an Unknown World. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 For longer than I can remember people have been telling me that I should get my 'work' published. My normal reaction to this is to smile sweetly and reply "hmm, maybe I'll give it a try". But to be honest I never have. There are I think probably two reasons for this, firstly I have never really thought that I had anything 'special', I never had faith in the things that I wrote, not that I wasn't personally happy or on occasions proud of my writing, but I just never really thought of any of it as being that special, or something that anyone would particularly want to read. The second reason and probably more pertinent is that I had no idea how to get published! Silly I know, but on reflection I think being honest if I had been that driven I would have found a way. Actually there is probably a third reason, more important than the other two, I didn't have a 'voice', you can only write convincingly if you know your own 'voice'. When I was younger, quite a bit younger as it goes Read more:Adventure
, Unknown
, World
My Daughter, the 'Treehugger'. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One day a couple of weeks ago her Ladyship had to take an exam for one of her college courses. She studied hard in the days leading up to the exam and burnt the midnight oil making every effort to ensure that she was ready. The night before I tested her and 'teased' the answers from her tiring brain. Now at this point I should say that it does help if you have a smidgen of understanding of the subject that you are testing on. Psychology was never one of my preferred subjects and sadly I have to say that more of it probably remained in the text books than in my brain. However I did my best, and when all else failed I valiantly filled in the 'blanks' with my own theories!The morning of the exam arrived and her Ladyship seemed remarkably relaxed and calm. Confident in her abilities I headed off to work. At 11.30 she called to say that she had finished her exam and although not altogether happy about how it had gone she did remember some of the theories that I had filled in for her, an Read more:Daughter
, Treehugger
IT'S MY 1ST BIRTHDAY
Yes this blog is one year ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 IT'S MY 1ST BIRTHDAYYes this blog is one year old today... yipee!You are all invited to the party, yes JT that includes you and the Captain, see I promised I would.I've organised party games,I thought we could start with a game of musical chairsJust remember it's my party I might cry if I loose!!! By the way Atilla is that you 'hogging' the show, yes I can see you dear waving at the camera, it's ok you're my oldest blogging chum I forgive you... but just this once. Ooh, ooh look it's time to light the candles on the cakealtogether now,Happy birthday to youHappy birthday to youHappy birthday dear St Ju-ude Happy birthday to youDid you get me a pressie, did you, did you... something sparkly, exotic, did you, eh, eh.It's ok there are enough party bags for everyone, yes JT that includes you big Sis xx
Not so Secret, Secrets!! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 For my Gasbaggy review I have chosen 'The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets
' by Eva Rice. It is an 'amiable' read set in the 1950's and centres on the life of Penelope who lives in a crumbling old ancestral home named Milton Magna. Basically she meets Charlotte, who becomes her best friend, whilst standing at a bus stop. Charlotte invites her round for tea, so she goes, (who wouldn't follow up an invitation to tea by a complete stranger), at tea she meets Aunt Clare and Harry. Before I go any further here is a list of characters:Penelope - a teenager madly in love with Johnny Ray and she has big handsCharlotte - another teenager madly in love with Johnny Ray, somewhat scatty but very intelligentHarry - odd eyes training to be a magician, what a catchAunt Clare - she has scaly hands... it says so in the book, 'Aunt Clares tiny hand was as delicate as a budgies claw in my great paw' Penelope on greeting Aunt Clare for the first time.Talitha Orr - Penelope's mother, very beautiful but
Mrs Beeton goes to Bingo. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Yes the man upstairs has obviously decided to get his own back on me. Last night I had to take Mrs Beeton to bingo. Actually it was her ladyship's suggestion and I will give her, her due, she came along too. Now this is not I have to say something that we, (by we I mean her Ladyship and I), are used to, neither of us have ever set foot inside a Bingo
hall before. We have only heard the rumours!!!!We pulled up outside I queued behind the other drivers depositing their elderly passengers at the door to the 'Hall of Dreams'. Her Ladyship duly wrestled Mrs Beeton from the car and escorted her inside as I went to park. As I entered the foyer I searched for them amid the jostling crowd all desperately trying to get to the desk so that they could get their hands on the 'dream ticket'. A selection of geriatric blond man eaters still hopeful that they might pull even though they outnumbered the men ten to one, the men in question all either being attached to a formidable other half or havi
Another Big Fat Wedding - Only Gaelic!! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This weekend we have been in Ireland, Northern Ireland to be exact, attending the wedding of his Lordships' nephew. He is the Bravehearts son, a Scot, he married a beautiful Irish girl. As you can imagine it was a wild weekend, with kilts, whisky, and lots of dancing.The weekend started at 4am on Friday morning... yes I did say 4am!! We had decided to get an early start so that we could make the most of our time and do some exploring before the wedding. It seemed like a good idea at the time, however it was a rather grumpy St Jude heading off to the airport that morning. I think I finally woke up somewhere over the the Irish Sea. Forty minutes after the flight took off we were heading into the baggage hall and twenty minutes after that we were heading for the east coast and a lovely morning exploring. All I can say is that if you ever have the chance to visit Northern Ireland go for it. After lunch at the Giants Causeway we decided to head to the hotel. This was also the venue for the Read more:Gaelic
AWOL 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Sorry I haven't been around for some time. We were into the final stages of completion on our new house, we should have been moving this weekend. Yes, that's right, should have been. Unfortunately the surveys and reports came back a couple of days ago. Only a couple of minor hiccups. Firstly there is mineworkings planned in the next year or so under the house, secondly it is built on a flood plain and has been flooded twice in the last ten years, they forgot to mention that little detail, and lastly it's built on landfill. Needless to say we have pulled out.So we are back to househunting big time, as our lease on this house is running out soon. So I'm sorry but I will probably be out of action for some time to come. Just another week in St Jude's household.
Life on the Mean Streets - Bah Humbug 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Yes I am still here, and I am finally back up and running again. Santa brought me a wonderful new toy, a wireless notebook, so now I can do my blog in the bathroom if I want... don't panic I'm actually in my new sitting room in front of a roaring fire. Ah the joys of technology.. but enough about that, here's an update.------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well I am still working with the morally challenged and they are still coming up with new and interesting ways to amuse. Take the lead up to Christmas.This is of course 'traditionally' the time of year when burglers are at their most active. All those lovely pressies stowed at the bottom of the tree, (unless you're in Albert Square, then you get a Pauline Fowler under your tree.. sorry to those of you who either don't or can't watch the soap Eastenders.. actually you are the lucky ones!), nicely wrapped and ready to go. There is nothing more festive than a tree laden with presents an Read more:Humbug
, Bah Humbug
A Warm Fuzzy Day... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Today has been lovely. We have had another family get together, it is so good to be able to have our family around to visit.For those of you who have your families living nearby this is perhaps not a luxury you are aware of. But having spent a decade living apart from them with a four to five hour journey, (and that is a good journey, sometimes it could take upto seven hours), this is heaven for us. Virtually every weekend has been booked with family and friends visiting.The packing fairies came for a long weekend with our grandchildren... I can't say anything more than it was heaven, I miss them terribly. Then his Lordships siblings came over for dinner and to stay for the night, the bravehearts from Scotland his sister and her husband, the international chefs his eldest brother and his wife, and the 'chuckle' brother his middle brother, (for those not familiar with the chuckle brothers they are slapstick children's performers who always botch everything they do, I'll say no more Read more:Fuzzy
Beta Blogging 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I mistakenly changed my blog to the new beta version of blogger and since then I have had real problems trying to comment on other peoples blogs. I can't even sign in half of the time. Has anyone else had any similar problems?That is partly the reason I haven't been blogging since New Year. The other reason is that I have been in Ireland for another big fat wedding. It was great fun, lots of men in kilts, pickle juice and dancing. I'll give you the full low down in my next entry. Read more:Blogging
'Novelty' Writing - Day 1 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Well today is the first day of my journey into 'write a novel in a month' with BBC Scotland. (Thank you Kim for your suggestion.) I am supposed to write 1000 words a day... ha, that doesn't sound much... does it? Thank fully they have chosen the shortest month of the year, how awfully nice of them. I am not sure how far I will get or how long my fingers are going to be after all of this typing but what the heck you have to just take a leap into the dark sometimes. Word count today = urm that would be zero so far ;0{ 18.14pm updated word count = 1068 Read more:Novelty
Cherubs. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I finished work slightly later than normal today. I like to catch the earlier bus if at all possible, the following being the reason why.The bus is always pretty full by the time it gets to my stop so I headed to the back, not my favourite spot but this time it didn't look too bad. A lady reading her paper, a young woman playing with her phone and a Goth. I settled into my seat, I could hear the metallic thumping of the music pulsing through the earphones of the Goth seated in front of me. I stared out of the window and watched the city sites go by. We had gone a short distance when a rather grumpy voice chirped up;"Is that your music, turn it down," a grey haired lady who was sitting two seats in front of the Goth demanded peering over her shoulder at me."I'm sorry it isn't me." I replied. She spotted the young woman behind me, who had earphones in."You, you," she said gesticulating wildly, "yes you, turn your music down," The young woman flushed red and turned down her music, but
Porks Off!! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Mrs Beeton came over for dinner yesterday. I did the whole roast thing including Yorkshire pudds. It is always something of a trial when Mrs Beeton comes to dinner. She has very particular likes and dislikes. Unfortunately they tend to based on whatever is happening in the news. For example she is currently 'off' poultry, chicken and in particular turkey. My friends here in the UK will understand why, but for those of you who are not aware, it is down to the whole bird flu furor. Several years ago she gave up on beef, CJD was the culprit, just prior to that it was eggs because of salmonella, and then shellfish because someone told her that they 'store heavy metals', (she has no idea what heavy metal means or indeed where the shellfish keep their store). She spends her entire day glued to the news channel. The BBC of course, because no one else tells the truth!!!So Back to the meal, I decided as beef, chicken, turkey, fish and eggs were off, I would serve Pork. So there I am serving
Gasbaggery - Mamma 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This week it is the turn of Mamma
to bring us her take on a quick read in the guise of Miss Julia Speaks Her Mind by Ann B. Ross. Apparantly it's only saving grace is that it is a 'quick read'. So go and check out her excellent review here.If you'd like to join the Gasbags, sign up here!We're getting to the end of our first review rotation, so now would be a good time to join us! Previous reviews this season:The EleventhLooking Beyond the Cracked WindowA Droll Way to Look at ThingsMiss KeeksSven's Personal MemosMy Beautiful LifeSweet PerditionCheaper Than TherapyEnema Portal For Groan-upsBasement EpiphaniesTom's HideawayA Tykes ProgressKate's Itisi
and the innocent shall inherit the earth.. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I know that most of you drop by here for a little light relief, however today has been a rather difficult day and as some of you may not know me very well I thought that perhaps it was time that you got to know me a little better. For those who are not aware, I work with the 'morally challenged'. I regularly deal with petty theives, burglars, drug dealers, violence, murderers and rapists, although the last two thankfully are more on a 'weekly' basis. I come into contact with case information that is graphic and at times disturbing. However there is a particular case at the moment which has deeply affected not only myself but my co workers. My friends over here in the UK will I have no doubt heard about it, involving a beautiful child, just a baby, whose cherubic face would melt any heart, (or so I innocently thought), and whose smile I am sure would light up any room. Not anymore. This child was raped and murdered by a close family member. Some people would assume that dealing wit Read more:shall
, inherit
Be Nice To The New Boy! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It is Friday night, I have the house to myself, as his Lordship and her Ladyship are out doing other things. I am sitting down with a nice glass of pickle juice and the remote to myself.So I thought it was time to to tell you all about '100 words'. Please drop by and say hello, (he's a 'newbie' so be nice and show him what we are made off), he has been sitting in my 'daily reads' for the last week or so and I hope that some of you may have found your way there. He has set himself the target of producing his daily posts in just... well 100 words. It is an interesting concept and I for one am eager to know how it rolls out. I would like without further ado to introduce you to The Centurian Diaries. Drumroll fades and... action!
List of Players 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Ok I thought it was about time that I introduced you to some of the characters that inhabit my world.His Lordship - My husband, we met in 1977 and were married on 28th March 1981. I love him what more do I need to say.My Son & My Daughter in Law - appear as themselves, but also sometimes under the guise of the packing fairies.Her Ladyship - My daughter. What can I say she has her fathers brains and my wit. God help her!Grandchild #1 & Grandchild #2 - my granddaughter and grandson alias Bizzybot & Benjamin Bunny. (ok Grandmas' are allowed to be soppy).The Captain - My Dad, one of the loveliest people you could ever meet. A truly gentle man, the person that taught me that no matter what life throws at you, there is still laughter even in the darkest of hours. I love you Dad.The Fat Controller - My Father in Law. This was the affectionate name by which his own children and grandchildren knew him. In his eighties he's old school, worked on the railways all of his adult life. For Read more:Players
Sophia's Trumpeting about Madonna! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's the turn of our friend Sophia
to blow her trumpet this week. Check out her wonderful review of Madonna
's latest album. I have to be honest I'm not a huge fan, of Madonna that is, I am a huge fan of Sophia. Her analysis of the lyrics is so funny. Why don't you blow your trumpet about some dismal book, film, music, TV that has really 'missed' the spot. If you fancy becoming a Gasbag then sign up here, we'd love to hear from you.For previous reviews check them out here.
Gasbaggery - Kates Review 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This week it is the turn of Kate to entertain us with her review of the Shopaholic Series by Sophie Kinsella. Only Kate could review a whole series of books!!! It's great so get on over there.Have you read a book that was truly awful, seen a film that sent you running for the exit after five minutes? Think you could write a review and save mankind from having to endure this rot? Then follow this link.If you would like to catch up on some of the previous reviews then go here.
A Little Cultural Exercise - Ladies and Gents! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 His Lordship and I were visiting the theatre the other night. Prior to the start of the show we took a leisurely drink in the theatre bar, a rather grand place with oak panelling and crystal chandeliers adorning the beautifully painted roof. As we were finishing our drinks the bell sounded for us to take our seats. We settled in and enjoyed the first half. When the intermission came we headed back towards the bar, however the effects of the pre-show drink were taking their natural course and so I excused myself and headed for the 'powder room'. My heart sank as I saw the queue. I should not have been shocked in the slightest by the sight of the line two deep running all the way out of the door and half way up the corridor. This is a fact of life if you are a woman, you have to queue for the facilities. And so it was my friends, that I took an executive decision and decided on an impromptu cultural exercise, 'are we ready yet for mixed sex facilities'?The gentleman's toilets were o Read more:Cultural
, Exercise
A Little Cultural Exercise - Batteries Not Included 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I bet you thought that I had forgotten, didn't you...actually when you've read this you will probably wish that I had ;0)Now before I go any further I have to point out that the content of this post is for adults only, if you are easily offended then may I suggest that you don't read on. Those who know me will obviously vouch for the fact that this is not the normal content for my posts. However you will be pleased to know that I have throughout retained my saintly persona.It was a post by my friend Kim over on her blog that got me thinking about this one, thanks Kim. We have certain laws that protect consumers, one in particular which states that an item must be fit for the purpose for which it is sold. Simply put it should basically do what it says it will do or perform as it says it will perform. If it does not them you are entitled to return it and either get a replacement or a refund. Simple. However it occurred to me does this law also apply to dildos and vibrators? So in the Read more:Cultural
, Exercise
The Sunday Trumpet 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's Sunday
so it's time for another review. Check this one out, it's Tom's first review. It's the book Nemesis, by Bill Napier if you're having trouble sleeping then this is definitely one for you.If you would like to join the Gasbags then go here you can also catch up with the previous seasons posts and an explanation of how it all began.
I CAN Perform Miracles. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Many moons ago I worked as an Educational Consultant. This required me to travel around primary schools in the area and roll out the 'new' attainment targets.So I set off one wet and windy morning for my first appointment. I pulled into the parking area and headed for the reception. As I passed the playground I noticed a large message pinned to the fence.Missing, Flopsy Houdini, the school rabbit.If you have any informationPlease contact reception.Underneath the message was a picture, Flopsy in all it's loveliness, a handsome bunny resplendent in black and white coney fur and a blue leather collar. My meeting was brief as the school had come down with a dose of the sniffles and so most of the teachers were either off sick or in no mood to learn about attainment targets. So I gathered up my stuff and headed back to the car. As I approached it, my eyes settled on the fluffy black and white bundle lying just to the side of the back wheel. Yes it was Flopsy Houdini. After checking it o
Little Oddities! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Well this post is a little overdue. I was recently tagged by Mamma, I am supposed to tell you five 'slightly odd' things about myself. Obviously this has taken a great deal of thought, as being a Saint I am of course perfection personified... oh alright then, yes I know I am a rather worldly Saint so there may just be a few minor blemishes.When texting from my mobile I have to use correct spelling and grammar. Likewise when receiving a text it makes me cringe when the sender doesn't do the same. My wardrobe and my shoe cupboard have to be colour co-ordinated. Yes I do have a slight thing about shoes, in fact I could probably give Imelda Marcos a run for her money... in the correctly colour co-ordinated trainers of course.I have creaky knees, no really they creak very loudly when I walk up and down stairs. I went to the Doctors about it, he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about, they were just noisy knees and gave me the technical name for the condition. I saw JT a littl Read more:Oddities
Lent 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Yes it is the beginning of Lent, so for the next forty days and nights, many people will be sacrificing something in their daily life.This year my colleagues and I decided that we would all give something up for Lent. I love my co-workers they are a hotchpotch of people from different backgrounds, race, culture, religion etc. As we started the ball rolling it gathered momentum and even the non-christians decided that they would like to join in. They wanted to boost the moral of their team and felt that a little abstinence could probably do their 'souls' no harm either. So here are the things being given up;5 people are giving up chocolate3 people are giving up smoking, (ouch, I take my hat off to them)4 people are giving up alcohol, (me included... oh my word, no pickle juice until Easter)2 people are giving up their cars, (they will be bussing it or on 'shanksies pony')2 people are giving up cakes and sweet things of any kind, (I think they call this a diet)and finally,1 person is
Life on the Mean Streets - Massacre 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I don't know how to tell you all this, but there was a mass murder at work yesterday. Oh no, I hear you gasp. Oh yes I reply, but there is worse to come.. I was one of the perpetrators!!!This has been brewing for the last couple of weeks. The 'victims' had first made themselves known to a couple of my colleagues early one afternoon as they were sitting at their desks next to the window. The encounter was painful and left them scarred and with an unfulfilled itching to rid themselves of the memory.Over the next few days several more of us fell prey to them, indeed their numbers were growing and they knew no boundaries. Finally we could take no more, in desperation we called on the services of a 'specialist', someone prepared to deal with the detritus of society. We only knew him as Brian. Obviously in our line of business we have inside knowledge of such people and the 'work' that they perform. I have to say however that the negotiations were tricky. Meeting in secret and ensurin
We Apologise For The Interruption In Service!!! 2007-03-30 06:30:00 Well peeps I apologise for the delay. It has been a somewhat hectic month to say the least. I have been 'acting up' in a new post at work. This has required a mammoth amount of my time and I needed to hit the ground running so to speak. It also dictated that I have my wits fully about me and unfortunately for my blog... not else where!In other news I have decided to apply to do extra training at work and take my degree, a couple of minor points to bear in mind here, my employer being the normal government sort likes to extract as much blood from this stone as possible and so they expect us to complete our degree in two years as opposed to the normal three. We are also expected to work at the same time, part time granted, whoopee, but still it will be an action packed ride for 24 months. There are no guarantees of my getting on it though I'm still at the application stage and there are only thirty odd places and a couple of thousand applicants!! Watch this space.I shall be doing my c Read more:Interruption
, Service
Civic Duty - Part 1 2007-04-03 17:52:00 I turned up yesterday for my jury duty. Negotiating the airport style security was interesting. I handed over my bag to the friendly looking lady who immediately opened it and tipped the entire contents out into a tray. Lovely! The ladies will relate to my rather embarrassing confrontation with the odds and ends accumulated over a millenia. The battered tampon was however the least of my worries as it also transpired that I had a hypodermic needle in my bag. Not used I hasten to add. The contents of the tray, my bag and I were escorted to a small room just off the foyer. It was here that I was told by a very stern court official that I needed to explain myself. He didn't see the humour when I proceeded to tell him my life story. It was actually the needle he wanted me to explain, and so I told him about my work with the morally challenged and how on rare occasions I am tasked with providing new needles to the needy addicts. My warrant card scrutinised and the contents of the tray once Read more:Civic
, Civic Duty
Civic Duty - Part 2 2007-04-07 07:09:00 After having spent the best part of day one with my nose in my book it wasn't looking too healthy on the old jury selection front. So I arrived for day two armed once more with my trusty tome and settled in for another day of reading, secure in the knowledge that I would not be disturbed by the class idiot who fortunately for me had been selected on day one. Alas it was not to be, as ten minutes later an usher appeared and my name was called. After we were sworn in the judge addressed us. He explained what would be occurring, but most importantly he told us when we would be breaking for lunch. Then the prosecution Barrister stood up and outlined the case against the defendant. I obviously can't go into detail but suffice to say that it was a case of wounding. Then the defence Barrister stood up and outlined the case for the defendant. Throughout the course of the day a procession of witnesses came and went, their evidence duly picked over by each of the Barristers and the evidence Read more:Civic
, Civic Duty
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