Owner: Mattress Police - Antisocial Commentary URL:http://www.mattresspolice.com Join Date: Sun, 18 Feb 2007 01:04:09 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Humor, satire, sarcasm, snark... and overripe bananas when we have them. Site statistics:Click here
Saturday Dispatch: Medium Security Prison 2007-02-18 03:04:00 There is one place you do not want to end up, and that is a medium security prison. From what I've heard, minimum security prisons are pretty posh, and you can potentially meet some pretty important people, like Michael Milken or Martha Stewart. Maximum security prisons at least carry a certain bad boy cachet. But nobody wants to read a book by someone who crashed a stolen minivan and ended up doing six years at Podunk Medium
Security Facility. Medium security prisons are for people who either aren't very motivated or don't have enough of a life to bother escaping. I think we can dispense with the barbed wire. No way these guys are going to scale a ten foot wall.Today's Dispatch
: If you're considering a career in crime and you're not smart enough to go white-collar, make sure you swing for the fences.This one's a real problem case. Lock 'em up in humor-blogs.com and throw away the key. Read more:Prison
, Saturday
The Final Frontier for Wikipedia 2007-02-16 16:24:00 In a bid to gain an edge in respectability over its stodgier rivals, Wikipedia
today announced that it would be publishing a print edition of its online knowledgebase."We're elated to be able announce our plans to develop a hard copy Wikipedia," said Karen C. Nautkaaren of the non-profit Wikipedia Foundation.The main obstacle to producing a print version of Wikipedia is its sheer volume. Wikipedia contains roughly twenty-eight times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. The foundation plans to release it in 600 volumes, one per month over the next ten years. During that time, Wikipedia is expected to grow by roughly 700% and much of the existing information will become out of date.The foundation announced an innovative plan for dealing with these problems. "We will release a revised edition of Wikipedia every three years," said Nautkaaren. "The second edition will overlap the first edition. When the first edition is nearly two thirds complete, we will release a thi Read more:Final
, Frontier
Only 12 Shopping Days Until Inappropriate Card Day! 2007-02-14 15:58:00 I'm a hopeless romantic.I'm also hopeless as a gymnast and harpsichord player, if you must know.I met my future wife at a college basketball game in January of 1992. I was playing center, and she was the captain of the cheerleading team. That's a ridiculous lie. I'm also hopeless as a basketball player. And while my future wife certainly had has the looks of a cheerleader, she's about as coordinated as... well, as I am.We were both ushers. We worked the front door together. We bonded by reciting dialog from the Saturday Night Live 15th anniversary special, which we'd both seen far too many times. As things wrapped up, I asked her what she was doing after the game.* "Going home," she replied tersely. Ah, young love.Fortunately (for me, at least), I persisted, stopping by her dorm room repeatedly over the next few days. She was friendly but a little cold. Her story is that I made her "nervous." Nerves don't explain the pepper spray though, do they? No, they do not.Our Read more:Shopping
, Until
Brilliant! (James Blunt's Songwriting Journal) 2007-02-12 20:53:00 "I wrote 'You're Beautiful' in two and a half minutes, after seeing an ex-girlfriend.'"- James
BluntBlunt said on VH1's The Vspot that he wrote this song about seeing his ex-girlfriend with a new man in the London underground. He says that they shared a lifetime in the brief eye contact.-----------------------------------------------EXCERPT FROM JAMES BLUNT'S SONGWRITING JOURNAL: Tuesday, January 18, 20052:37:30 PMTrain should be here in about 150 seconds. Maybe enough time to write a song???2:37:36 PMPossible song topics: Trains. Unemployment. Sodding London weather. Come on man, think!2:37:42 PMIsn't that Stacy?2:37:48 PMThat IS Stacy! Who the f---- is she with???!!!2:37:55 PMStacy be lookin FINE.2:38:04 PMWhere was I? ... Trains, right. Maybe something about a little engine trying to get up a hill?2:38:09 PMLucky bastard. What was it Mum said when Stacy broke up with me? "God's will." Well I hope the sodding angels are happy. Bollocks.2:38:17 PMFeeling very sad.2 Read more:Brilliant
, Journal
, Songwriting
So Here's the Deal 2007-02-11 04:56:00 I have a confession to make. I don't actually write this blog. I mean, I type it, but I don't really write it. I just write what the Voice tells me to write. Shhhhh! Do you hear that? That fizzing sound. If you listen closely, you can hear the Voice. That, my friends, is the voice of wisdom, wit and erudition. It is, in fact, the voice of Dr. Pepper.Yes, this blog is dictated to me by the effervescent utterances of the Scholar of Soda, the Professor of Pop, the TA of Tonic, Dr. Pepper, PhD. I owe my entire readership to the Doctor, and some time maybe you can all come over and split a six pack with me.Unfortunately, the Doctor and I are having a disagreement of late. The Doctor's specialties, you may know, are tooth decay, obesity and type 2 diabetes. I've decided to pursue another line of study. I hope to answer the age-old question "Can man get to the age of 40 without buying any pants with an elastic waistband?"All of this to say that I need to cut down on inspirati
The Straight, the Narrow and the Raunchy 2007-02-09 18:18:00 He wore a checkered blazer. Not exactly gaudy, but not exactly stylish. His hair was gelled but slightly mussed. Overall, he gave the impression of a man who cared about his appearance but not enough to shower regularly. If this weren't 1993, I might have thought he was an aspiring metrosexual. If this weren't Grand Rapids, Michigan, I might have thought he was French.I did not, of course, assume that he was gay. In the early 90s political correctness ruled the day, and I had been taught that a slight build, an effeminate manner, odd clothing and a pronounced lisp did not constitute adequate evidence that one was homosexual. In fact, the rule at that time was that unless you actually saw someone performing a sexual act with another person of the same gender, you were to make no assumptions regarding their sexual orientation. And even then, you were really supposed to keep an open mind. And you certainly weren't allowed to assume that such an individual was some kind of sexual predat Read more:Narrow
, Raunchy
, Straight
Never Underestimate the Power of Humor-Blogs.com 2007-02-08 00:36:00 As I'm running low on material at the moment, I implore those of you in need of a humor fix to visit one of the fine representatives of the humor-blogs.com consortium.Soon the entire Interweb will be subject to the iron rule of humor-blogs.com. Once our conquest of cyberspace is complete, any humor-oriented blogs which do not bear our stamp will be crushed like Cheetos beneath our metaphorical boot.Join us now, while you still can.Mattress Tags: humor blogging blog directories Read more:Blogs
, Humor
Creature Comforts 2007-02-07 05:56:00 So if you've been around here a while you know about my odd children and their propensity for taping informational signs to objects around our house. Since I've got nothing else to post right now, I thought I'd treat you to another example.This one requires a bit of explanation. I tend to sit for long periods of time at our kitchen table, on a hard wooden chair. Since I don't have a lot of, er, natural padding, I usually put some kind of pillow on the chair. We have a stuffed cheetah that works nicely. Yes, I sit on a stuffed cheetah. Stay with me.Recently it was "pajama day" at my kids' school, which meant... well, hopefully I don't have to explain that part. In addition to wearing their pajamas, the kids were allowed to bring a stuffed animal to school. My 7 year old son chose to take the cheetah pillow. Thoughtfully, he replaced it with another pillow, evidently named "Wampy" (pronounced "wompy"). I can only assume it was named for its wamping properties.I found the following Read more:Creature
Snark, Snark, Snark, That's All I Ever Hear 2007-02-06 16:25:00 It's Tuesday, so I'm over at Central Snark
again, bitching about why I didn't like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, among other things.I'll be back with a real post tonight. Promise.
The Adventures of Crash McFarlane in the Blogosphere 2007-02-05 16:00:00 Crash McFarlane
hopped into his iPod, desperate to reach the blogosphere before dark.The iPod sputtered to life, creaking and shuddering as it soared above the docking station. McFarlane prayed that the batteries would last. If they gave out before he reached the outer blog ring, he'd be stranded in Bluetooth territory when the sporks came out.Once clear of the ebonic barrier, Crash set the iPod to shuffle to conserve energy. He sailed above the playstation, absently watching the kleenex bots meticulously detoxing the muffin-toppers and zine phishers. He wondered if he would ever come this way again.The bloggers had made it very clear that they wouldn't hesitate to TiVo his beloved Wiki if he didn't return with the emoticon before dusk. He reflected on the irony of the situation: he knew that the power to defeat the bloggers lay within the emoticon itself, but only Google knew how to use it, and only the bloggers knew how to reach the old man. There was no other solution: Read more:Adventures
, Blogosphere
I Do Mind! I Do! 2007-02-02 03:03:00 The other night my family went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant, and the hostess asked if we minded being seated "in the back." The way she said "in the back" made me think that perhaps we would have to crawl through a drainage pipe to get there, but being the agreeable sort that I am, I reflexively said, "That's fine."I regretted it immediately. While we waited, I speculated as to what horrors would confront us "in the back." Would there be chairs? Tables? Exposed wiring hanging from rusted nails? Perhaps we would be expected to scavenge our own appetizers from the dumpster behind the meat-packing plant. I looked around for other diners headed for 'the back', anxious to form an alliance to ensure the safety of our guacamole supply."We should never have agreed to sit 'in the back,'" I said to my wife. "Now we have no one to blame but ourselves." There would be no point in complaining once we were back there."You say you don't mind," the waiter would snarl, befud
Harvard to Settle Question of God's Existence 2007-01-31 07:12:00 Officials at Harvard
University today announced a bold experiment designed to settle once and for all the question of God's existence.Recently Harvard has come under fire for rejecting a recommendation that all undergraduates be required to take a class in religion. Critics argue that religion is a fundamental aspect of what it means to be a human being, and that by allowing its students to avoid studying religion Harvard is producing graduates who are ignorant of one of the key psychological and sociological forces that has shaped human history.Now the university has released a statement that attempts to clear up the confusion regarding the policy. In the statement Dr. Harold Emmets, the Harvard Dean of Reason and Objectivity, states: "At Harvard we value the principles of Science and Reason. When we are faced with an unproven proposition that is believed by billions of people, it isn't our job to simply dismiss it outright. That would be a clear sign that we're being just as Read more:Existence
, Question
, Settle
Congratulations on Your New Testicles! 2007-01-29 17:43:00 Congratulations! You've just purchased a pair of novelty testicles for your truck, SUV or other vehicle.With the purchase of this fine product you have joined the informal fraternity of novelty nutsack owners -- the three million men (and possibly women, although we doubt it) whose vehicles already bear the unmistakable mark of supreme manliness. Yes, you've joined our proud brotherhood at the peak of its popularity, and whatever your reason for waiting so long, we're glad to have you aboard.Frequently Asked Questions:Q: I hear people making remarks about "compensating for some shortcoming." What does that mean?A: These people are jealous. There is no documented evidence that novelty testicle owners suffer from any sort of physical inadequacy. In fact, during a recent door-to-door survey most novelty testicles owners reported having genitalia as large or larger than the national average.Q: Some people roll their eyes and/or shake their heads when they see my testicles. Why?The Read more:Congratulations
, Testicles
Shocking Truth Behind Dinosaur Hoax Revealed 2007-01-27 18:10:00 At first it seemed like a harmless joke: A 10 foot long model of a dinosaur which, despite being constructed entirely of dirt, was convincing enough to fool a veteran paleontologist who had twice won the Kenmore Silver Star Award for most microwaves sold over a 3 month period.Now, however, investigators have learned that the faux dinosaur was part of a sinister plot to wreak havoc on downtown Ripon, California. The mastermind behind the plot appears to be a local seven year old boy who has long eluded capture. Authorities would not release his name but have been referring to him as "Climber" because of his affinity for climbing trees and other tall objects. He was abetted in his schemes by his five year old sister, known only as Speed Pony. Investigators found the children's hideout after a lucky break: Their mother, a former runway model and nuclear physicist, was arrested on Wednesday on charges of hunting zombies without a license. Unable to face the prospect of incarceratio Read more:Truth
You Think This is Funny? 2007-01-26 05:56:00 If you're like me, you're pretty tired of all the shameless traffic-building gimmicks that I employ on this blog to attract more readers. If you wanted to be bombarded by ads and other annoying crap, you'd be using MySpace, right? Right.So I'm working on a little side project that will hopefully allow me to continue to blatantly shill for this site and some of my other favorite humor blogs while maintaining the pristine snarky integrity of the Mattress Police. The project is a little something called humor-blogs.com.humor-blogs.com is sort of a running "best-of" collection from several funny blogs. The idea is for humor-blogs.com to be sort of a gateway site that acts as an introduction to these blogs. Initially these four blogs are participating:If you have a funny blog that you would like added to the humor-blogs.com sidebar, let me know by posting a comment here or emailing me at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com. I'll be happy to include your blog; all I ask is that you add Read more:Funny
Signs and Wonders 2007-01-25 16:24:00 Just a note to let you know that yesterday I guest posted at Crummy Church Signs, so if you want a quick fix of snarkiness, head over there. I tried my best to provide the same level of withering sarcasm that Joel does on a regular basis, but he's a tough act to follow. Seriously, I think Crummy Church Signs has the highest laugh:word count ratio of any site I've come across. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff these churches put on their signs. In other news, I'm probably going to discontinue the Dispatches in their current form. I think I'm going to try to implement some kind of "thought of the day" like Wolfe's Random Quote. By the way, if you ever wonder what I would blog about if I wasn't crippled by the inability to take anything seriously, head over to Wolfe's Musings. His blog pretty much reflects my thoughts on politics, current events, etc., but he's a little more in touch with reality than I am.Oh, and I'm hoping to make another Important Announcement very Read more:Wonders
Bush Fiddles While Moon Deteriorates 2007-01-24 16:07:00 In a ritual that is becoming all too familiar, scientists have once again announced troubling news from outer space. Despite repeated assurances from the Bush administration regarding prospects for long term lunar stability, it appears that the moon continues to disintegrate."At this point there seems to be little we can do," said Hans VerHoeven, director of the non-profit Council on Lunar-American Relations. After millenia of being pounded by meteors, VerHoeven noted, the moon finally appears near total collapse. "Yet the Bush administration insists that we must 'stay the course' with regard to the moon," VerHoeven added. "It's insane."Terran ImperialismCritics on both sides of the aisle have roundly criticized the Bush plan to require the Moon to continue to orbit the Earth at its present distance and velocity. "Release Earth's grip on the moon NOW!" read signs at a recent protest march which inexplicably occurred at a Taco Bell outside Redding, California. Denouncing "Terr
A Slurry of Monsters 2007-01-22 02:17:00 As my wife and I were walking through our almond orchard the other day, inspecting the trees for blight, rust and urban sprawl, I caught a glimpse of a distant gathering of undead creatures. At first I thought they were zombies, but they could have been ghouls. They're hard to tell apart at a distance.Our orchard was planted on top of an Indian burial ground, so it's not uncommon for us to see various flavors of undead roaming amongst the trees in search of human flesh and a place to whizz. Well, technically it isn't so much a burial ground as it is a casino that collapsed due to God's punishment on immorality and a lack of sufficient sheer support. Efforts were made to rescue the trapped gamblers, but when their relatives were informed that the chances of anyone getting out alive were a million to one, they decided to take their chances elsewhere.Anyway, now our orchard is plagued by the spirits and/or reanimated corpses of several hundred dead gamblers still trying to beat the
Ripon Man Discovers New Dinosaur Species 2007-01-18 16:09:00 RIPON, January 18 — Paleontologists stunned the world today by announcing the discovery of a new species of dinosaur. The first known specimen of akathasaurus was found on a ten acre parcel of land owned by Ripon resident Rob Kroese. Kroese found the perfectly preserved fossil while excavating for an addition to his house."I was trenching for the septic lines when I found it," Kroese said. "At first I thought it was just a mound of dirt, but when I took a closer look it definitely resembled some sort of reptilian creature."Kroese wasn't sure what to make of the odd looking specimen, so he called the Sacramento Paleontology Hotline. Dr. Simon Halbertson was there to take the call."It was a slow day," Halbertson called. "I had just gotten back from my only other call of the day. A farmer in Lodi thought he had found the knuckle of a pterodactyl, but it turned out to be the badly bleached head of Boba Fett. The guy was charging $20 a head to see it." When Halbertson told the man
The Force is Middling in this One 2006-12-27 18:53:00 6/30/06Cam Cloudhammer, Director of Human Resources, Order of the JediDear Mr. Cloudhammer,As a recent graduate of the Tatooine Academy of Arts and Sciences, I was excited to hear about the opening with the Jedi Knights for an entry level Force
Technician I. I have long dreamed of joining the Jedi Order and I think I will be a valuable asset to your organization.As you can see from my enclosed resume, I graduated with a 3.2 GPA and I scored a 1242 on the Force Assessment Test. I did particularly well in Advanced Midi-Chlorianology and Pre-Imperial History. I believe I could have performed even better academically, but I worked my way through school recalibrating moisture vaporators. I think the combination of my rigorous coursework and practical experience will serve me well as a Force Technician I.I'm available for an interview on short notice on most weekdays. I know my resume probably isn't the most impressive you will receive, but I think you'll find that I'm "good Jedi materia
Blogger Layouts Question 2007-02-18 19:26:00 Ok, so I'm stumped. You may have noticed I've been messing with my template a lot lately. I'm kind of old school when it comes to this stuff, so I don't mind mucking around in the html/css to get the page to look the way I want it to. I tend to stay away from all the fancy "widgets" and whatnot. At least, that's my excuse for why, as a guy who's been doing web development for 8 years, I can't figure out how to implement the new Blogger
"layout" functionality. You're supposed to be able to convert from the old template to the nifty new "layouts." It says so right here. Except I can't, because the part that is supposed to say "Customize Design" says "AdSense." Which, call me crazy, sounds like something entirely different to me.I thought that maybe it couldn't convert from my crazy ass homemade template, so I replaced it with one of the standard templates for one of my blogs, and it still doesn't give me the option. Has anybody else had this problem? WTF? Read more:Layouts
, Question
World's Worst Dictator 2007-02-19 08:16:00 Recently my wife was reading an article in Parade about the world's worst dictators. (Yes, this is the second post over the past week prompted by Parade magazine. I'm also reading a 700 page book about artificial intelligence, ok? It's called being a Renaissance man. Look into it.)Like many people, I rely on Parade to provide me with some geopolitical perspective, not to mention hearty halftime meals for my Super Bowl party. (Actually, I rely on my wife for both of those things, but she in turn relies on Parade. And just because I couldn't tell you who played in the Super Bowl to save my life doesn't mean I don't need a hearty halftime meal, so get off my back.)Anyway, it turns out that the world's worst dictator is some dude named Omar al-Bashir. He runs a little country club and spa called Sudan. You may have heard something about it in between Anna Nicole Smith's breasts. Er, in between stories about Anna Nicole Smith. And her breasts. Her non-biodegradable breast Read more:Dictator
, World
Help Me Out Here 2007-02-20 16:43:00 Once again, I'm over at the Snark, bitching about Hollywood girlie-men.While you're here though, can I ask you a favor? You may have noticed I've made some changes to this site. One of these is a new section over there to the right that reads "Be a Helpful Citizen." What does this mean?Well, when you click one of those little graphics, it helps this site climb the rankings in that blog directory. A higher rank means more people can find my blog, which increases the odds that I'll keep writing stuff like this and this for a while. That would be a good thing, right?Most of the sites will log one click/vote per user per day. So if every one of you clicked on one of those links every time you visited this site... we could probably crash my server. I'm willing to risk it.Thanks!I'll be back tomorrow with a post about my imaginary friend, Toby.
Imagine My Surprise 2007-02-21 16:18:00 I've always been a shy, introspective sort. I had a hard time making friends as a kid, so I resorted to devising imaginary friends. Fortunately, I was quite imaginative and was able to construct entirely believable fictional characters with whom to while away recesses.My best friend was Toby. Toby was everything you might want in a friend: generous, helpful, and just a fun guy to be around in general. He was athletic but he didn't rub your face in it, and he was a good student but not a brown noser. He was smart enough to stay out of trouble but mischievous enough to engage in the occasional prank. He was, as far as I could imagine, the best possible friend.Things were going well with me and Toby. Too well, in fact.As I mentioned, I was an introspective and creative child. I was the kind of kid who could never just let things be. I drove my teachers insane with my incessant questions. I was always asking "why?"It was not surprising, then, that I soon started to wonder why Read more:Imagine
, Surprise
Blogger Code of Blah Blah Blah 2007-02-22 19:25:00 I recently ran across something called a "Blogger
Code of Ethics" on the web somewhere. What a great idea! It's about time somebody got us unruly bloggers in line. I agree with this Code 100%. Or maybe 74.3%. Still, I mostly agree with it. I've republished it below with a few comments of my own.I will tell the truth. Man, wouldn't it be great if all bloggers told the truth? I strive to include some truth in almost every one of my posts. Lies are important too, of course.I will write deliberately and with accuracy. Or hire a lot of monkeys.I will acknowledge and correct mistakes promptly. I always do this. I think. I'll have to come back to this one.I will preserve the original post, using notations to show where I have made changes so as to maintain the integrity of my publishing. This one is crap.I will never delete a post. Even if the original writer of this post tells me to. I have my principles, after all.I will not delete comments unless they are spam or off-to Read more:Blah Blah Blah
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