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Ron Paul Detractors Meet for Gloatfest 2008-03-08 18:39:23 Thousands of pundits, bloggers, TV personalities, and just plain mean people converged in Puffbluff, Kentucky today for the first Ron Paul
Gloatfest. The attendees are jubilant that John McCain has sewn up the Republican nomination making it impossible for Ron Paul to be the nominee."I said he couldn't win right from the gitgo," said George Stephanopoulos. "I said it right to his face, right on TV. I've been around. There's just no way voters are going to get on board with someone who has a haircut from a barber shop and a grasp of economic issues. Who did he think he was fooling?""You are so right, George, even though you are a commie pinko liberal," agreed Rush Limbaugh. "He was never going to be the nominee because I said he wasn't going to be the nominee. Even with that haircut,
Stalking the Wild Indiana Squirrel 2008-03-06 13:57:08 There isn't much to do in Richland, Indiana
. There is a reproduction of Lincoln's childhood home where no one ever goes-- a failed attempt by the local Chamber of Commerce to promote tourism. There is a tavern situated in an old boxcar, and a restaurant housed in an imitation boxcar that serves a pretty good burger. I do not know where the Richlandian penchant for boxcars comes from, and neither did anyone I asked.My wife is from Richland, and she doesn't know. She thinks I'm an idiot for asking. She is probably right.Eight Thanksgivings ago, I dutifully took my wife and two kids, Samantha, 12, and Alex, 9, to Richland to spend the holiday. Thanksgivings at the Cummings household consist of Al, the patriarch, getting up up at eight in the morning, taking a seat at the head of the tabl Read more:Stalking
, Squirrel
Ron Paul Owes Me Twenty Bucks 2008-03-04 13:49:34 I was having a coffee at Starbuck's today when Ramblin' Bob Mauger saw me and sat down at my table. If you want to know what is really going on, just ask Ramblin' Bob."Those things are going to kill you," said Bob, observing my cigarette."I expect the second hand smoke will get you first." I said."Very funny.""No, really. That second hand smoke is really dangerous stuff. I'm glad I don't have to breathe it."I always sit outside and glare at the manager when she sticks her head out the door in response to a complaining smoke nazi. So far, I have managed to intimidate her into doing nothing. I know my days are numbered, but I plan to go down fighting."What are you working on?" asked Bob, eyeing my laptop."I"m thinking about doing a piece on Ron Paul
.""You're wasting your time. He can'
John McCain Vows to Match Reagan Nap Time 2008-02-29 22:25:20 Today, speaking to a crowd of cheering republican faithful in a high school gym in Brownsville, Texas, John McCain
vowed to carry on the Reagan
legacy by falling asleep at any given moment."My friends," said McCain, "I was a foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution. I know what it takes to lead. I know what it takes to administrate this, the finest government in the finest country in the world. In order to do that, you need rest, lots of rest. I intend to nap every afternoon, and snooze during cabinet meetings. If you've ever heard General David Petraeus drone on about military logistical support, you would do the same.""I was talking to General Petraeus just the other day about the importance of military secrecy concerning our supplies. Take toilet paper, for instance. I know it doesn't soun Read more:Match
, John McCain
Barack Obama, Ann Coulter Form Wrestling Tag Team 2008-02-25 23:21:50 Surprising everyone, BarackObama
announced today that he and political pundit Ann Coulter
were forming a professional wrestling tag team.The strains of Jimi Hendrix's version of "Wild Thing" blared through Madison Square Garden's sound system as strobe lights and flashbulbs from paparazzi illuminated the arena. Barack Obama
and Ann Coulter
emerged holding their hands aloft like winners. An ecstatic crowd of wildly cheering wrestling fans urged them on. Together, they strode to the squared circle. Obama politely lifted the middle rope to allow Ms. Coulter to enter the ring.A microphone was lowered into Obama's hand. He gazed lovingly at the crowd and shouted,"OUR TIME HAS COME!"The crowd responded with deafening applause."We challenge all comers. I will batter them with bombast. Ann wi
Congress to Repeal the Law of Gravity 2008-02-25 23:18:51 Washington D.C.--Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi revealed today that the House of Representatives has passed legislation repealing the law of gravity."I don't know why we didn't think of this before," said Pelosi. "Imagine what a boon this will be to the airlines alone. Credit is due to Jerry Brown. If he hadn't mentioned it at a cocktail party about a month ago, it would never have occurred to me. It is genius, pure genius.""Of course I voted for it," said Dennis Kucinich. "Elizabeth and I have been doing it for years."The lone dissenter in the house vote was Ron Paul. "This will be almost as big a debacle as when the democrats repealed the law of supply and demand under Roosevelt," opined the congressman from Texas.Several prominent Democrats from the private sector and the senate qu Read more:Congress
, Repeal
McCain: "I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman." 2008-02-21 00:19:31 Toledo, Ohio-- Senator John McCain
, in a press conference today, claimed no wrong-doing in his alleged affair with Vicki Iseman, a Washington lobbyist."My friends, I know more about economics than I know about the kind of shady dealings and back street shenanigans that the New York Times is accusing me of. I will not be a victim of this kind of underhanded smear campaign." said McCain."Yes, I did receive a little more than $20,000 from the company Vicki Iseman represented," McCain continued, "and I did let them fly me around in their corporate jet, but that's what Senators do. Do you think we just sit around in our offices and wait for people like you to waltz in and complain about your petty problems?""So what if I wrote a letter to the Federal Communications Commission requesting th
John McCain Proposes Gay Marrriage 2008-02-20 01:41:40 Houston, TexasIn a surprising policy turnaround today, John McCain
proposed legislation not only legalizing gay marriage, but making it mandatory for all homosexuals over the age of 18."My friends," said McCain in a hastily called news conference,"it is time we recognized the basic inequality of marriage laws in this, the finest country in the world. For too long, homosexuals have been denied the benefits of marriage."McCain's proposed legislation would require all homosexuals over the age of 18 to register with the federal government. If any registered person is without a partner, one would be assigned to him or her based on compatibility tests developed by army psychologists, or based on the whim of the bureaucrat handling the case. Anyone not registering would be subject to a $5000.00 Read more:John McCain
Child Of Ron Paul Supporter Attacked in Virginia School 2008-02-18 13:06:16 Falls Church, VA.Residents in this well-to-do Washington suburb were shocked today by an outbreak of violence against the child of an alleged Ron Paul
supporter. Classes were suspended at Thomas Jefferson Elementary School
until someone in authority, perhaps the President, says the crisis is over."Apparently, the child of a Ron Paul supporter heard something about the constitution in his home. He mentioned it in class and that seems to be what set the whole thing off," said Colonel Harry Reitze, Falls Church Chief of Police.Tapes from security cameras plainly show a second grade student saying that Ron Paul supports the constitution."Get that Paultard!!" a classmate screamed and a mini-riot erupted."Yeah, anybody who don't believe in evolution is a moron," a child wearing a Bert and Ern Read more:Attacked
, Virginia
Ron Paul Syndrome Spreads Across USA 2008-02-16 13:10:16 If you cannot see the image on this page, you are either a Fox News debate coordinator, or afflicted with RPS. The inability to see Dr. Paul is one baffling aspect of what scientists have dubbed "The Ron PaulSyndrome
.""We are unsure what cause RPS, but its existence is undeniable. It definitely affects members of the main stream media. For some reason, they are completely unable to see Dr. Paul," said Dr. Ramir Patel of Chicago University. "When he appears on televised debates, it is clear that he is not seen by the commentators. The total absence of any coverage by most major news media also lends credence to the existence of RPS."Prevalent primarily in the main stream media, RPS also has extremely hazardous effects on progressive feminists."I was down at the salon the other day gett Read more:Across
McCain, Clinton End Global Warming 2008-02-13 21:44:27 Senator John McCain
took time off from his presidential campaign today to announce the passage of the McCain-Clinton
bill to end global warming."My friends," said McCain, "it was high time that someone reached across the aisle and brought people together on this important issue. I am proud to announce the beginning of the end to global warming. My friend, Hillary Clinton, and I have tackled this tough issue in the true spirit of bi-partisanship."The revolutionary new bill includes measures to fine cattle ranchers up to $25,000.00 per incident for excessive cow flatulence, mandatory purchase of florescent light bulbs by everyone in the US by January 2009, and the end of daylight savings time. A addendum by Senator Ted Kennedy to make it illegal for the sun to shine in certain parts of Flor Read more:Global
, Global Warming
Hillary Hires Director of Platitudes 2008-02-12 23:41:39 After firing her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, and the resignation of Mike Henry, deputy campaign manager, Hillary
Clinton has raised eyebrows by adding two new positions to her staff. John Klimkiewicz has been hired as a drama coach and William McGurn has been lured away from the Bush administration to fill the position of Director
of Platitudes.Clinton scored a surprise victory in the New Hampshire primary after shedding tears in a tender moment the day before the election. The addition of a drama coach had some pundits doubting her sincerity."She's worse than those 911 widows," opined Anne Coulter, rumored to be the daughter of Satan. "She thinks all she has to do is turn on the waterworks and the suckers will turn out in droves.""I'd cry, too, if Obama was whuppin' me like that,
Confessions of a Paultard 2008-02-11 21:11:17 I like Ron Paul. I like everything about him. He is intelligent, affable; has a fine sense of humor. I don't think 911 was a nefarious government plot. Ron Paul doesn't think so, either. I don't think George Bush is a shape-shifting reptilian alien. I would just about bet that Ron Paul doesn't think so, either.I am not particularly worried that a neo-nazi contributed $500.00 to Paul's campaign. I don't think that money will buy any influence with Ron Paul. I am pleased, though, that Dr. Paul didn't return the money and get into a tizzy about it. Everybody, even neo-nazis, can say what they please and give money to what candidate they please. I am perfectly happy to let neo-nazis spend their money on Doc Martins, rant on their websites, hell, march in Skokie, Illinois, even spit on
Remembering the Andy Griffith Show 2008-02-09 01:59:06 Nestled in the green hills and sweet pines of North Carolina, in mythic America where kindness is a virtue and decency the norm, lies a place called Mayberry. There is a barber shop where you can catch up on the latest gossip, a diner where the blue plate special is inexpensive and delicious, a gas station where they will pump your gas and clean your windows as a matter of courtesy, a five and dime for the fashion unconscious, and most importantly, the office of Sheriff Andy Taylor where justice prevails and common sense rules.When conflict rears its horrid head, it is Andy Taylor who sallies forth with a good word and quiet courage to return Mayberry to its bucolic charm. Dynamite-eating goats, bank robbers on the run, fast-talking con men, and rain-making gypsies are no match for him. He Read more:Remembering
, Griffith
McCain Invades Iraq 2008-02-09 01:51:23 Reliable sources in both the military and the beltway confirmed today that John McCain
had confiscated an F-18 fighter plane from a California airbase and flown a maverick mission to invade Iran armed only with a multi-bladed army knife and his old service .45."He had a wild look in his eye." said the MP who McCain thumped on the head and tied up before he made his getaway. "He said he was going to take care of the situation in Iran, stop by Pakistan to find that SOB Osama Bin Laden, and be back in time for the California primary."McCain, who was a POW in the famed Hanoi Hilton during the Viet Nam war, is known for his determination not to let anyone forget it. Fellow senators say little to him because they fear he will beat them up."I'd rather stick my tongue in a light socket than tangl Read more:Iraq
Giuliani Changes Campaign Tactics 2007-11-24 09:09:33 A daring move by Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani
had political pundits abuzz today. The former New York City Mayor is reported by reliable sources in the Beltway as having failed to mention 911 for nearly three quarters of an hour."If it's true," opined Clive Crook of the Financial Times. "his campaign is headed in an entirely different direction. While we certainly can't expect him to say anything substantive, we may see him spending more time threatening the lives of any Arab heads of state whose name he is capable of pronouncing, or snickering at that moonbat, Ron Paul."Rush Limbaugh gushed, "Rudy is showing remarkable confidence. The further his campaign progresses, the more aptitude he shows. The way he stonewalled the Bernard B. Kerik episode was masterful. He showed remarkable in Read more:Campaign
RNC Combats Ron Paul Virus 2007-09-22 12:35:27 The results of the RNC's long-awaited investigation into the Ron Paul
virus were announced today by Ken Mehlman, Chairman of the RNC. The investigation, sponsored by Premiere Election Systems, confirmed the suspicions of all right-thinking Americans."There is no support for Ron Paul." said Mehlman. "The only supporter he has is a 14-year-old kid named Spanky Allison who has built a spam empire after being kicked out of school for publishing hacks of several pornography site passwords on his high school's website. We have arrested the kid. After tasering him a few times, he fessed right up."To confirm the findings, a scientific poll, conducted by Fox News, asked the following question to over eleven registered Republicans who own Buicks:"Would you vote for an anarchistic scumbag who will
Latest Sykes Poll Released 2008-03-12 18:37:19 In a not unexpected development, Gunner Sykes
' newest independent poll shows that 83% of American voters believe that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned because he was under investigation for transporting prostitutes across state lines.23% of voters under the age of 30 spelled prostitutes "h-o-e-s."Not surprisingly, 63% of all eligible voters support the US government spending part, or all, of its productive man hours spying on people who are not themselves."If they're not doing nothing wrong, they don't have nothing to worry about," said Denise Moorehead, who is in her sixth year of study at Wabash Community College of Storm Door Hanging and Practical Arts."If the FBI wants to pry into peoples' bank accounts, tap their phones, and destroy their families in order to stop peopl
Pounce, Renounce, Denounce 2008-03-14 22:52:42 Here is how it works. First the press, either from the right or left, pounces on a public figure because someone associated with him said something the press deems unacceptable. Then other public figures start demanding that the associate be renounced, or they will be forced to denounce the pounced upon public figure.It is the pounce, renounce, denounce game.The latest pounce is on Barack Obama. Obama's minister said,"God damn America." It does not matter in what context the preacher said it. Context is for rubes. There is no time to include context in a TV sound bite.Obama talks to his public relations people. Obama quickly gets to renouncing.Louis Farrakhan said some nice things about Obama. Why shouldn't he? Louis Farrakhan seems to be happy that a black man might become Presiden
Hillary Clinton Proposes Baseball Bat Ban 2008-03-17 22:03:54 Presidential hopeful HillaryClinton
called today for a nationwide ban on baseball bats. Citing the inherent danger in owning baseball bats, the senator vowed to push legislation through congress confiscating all bats not belonging to professional baseball players hitting over .250."Every year hundreds of people are injured by other people smacking them up side the head with baseball bats," said Clinton. "It's very simple. No bats. No bruises."Reaction was instantaneous from the Major League Baseball Players Association. Donald M. Fehr, Executive Director, stated:"Aren't players who can't hit the Mendoza line discriminated against enough, already? Pitchers in the National League already look silly with a bat. What do you think the reaction will be when they have to walk up to the plate e Read more:Hillary Clinton
Obama's MySpace Account Hacked 2008-03-21 00:58:52 Tom Anderson, President of MySpace
.com, announced today that Barack Obama
's account on the popular website had been hacked."It was two young ladies who were showing a prurient interest in Mr. Obama," said Anderson. "We caught them macking around in the user groups using Mr. Obama's ID to hit on several women and get into flame wars with other users. They have been banned forever from MySpace and notes were sent to their mothers."In an email sent to drudgereport.com, an anonymous user who would only identify herself as 2HOT4U claimed responsibility for the incident."It was soooooo easy," wrote 2HOT4U. "All we did was type ohnonotwrightagain into his password thingy and zap we were in. He gets some really HOT emails. I can tell you that. I don't blame them either. Obama is cuter than a b Read more:Account
, Hacked
In the Land of the McCainanites 2008-03-22 13:25:05 The McCainanites are out there, folks, and they're crazier than cockroaches on crack. Not only are they fearful of the "cult of Obama," they've managed to latch on to the concept of Liberation Theology, and the mere mention of it sends them scurrying for safe havens in suburbia. You cannot read the name Jeremiah Wright anywhere in the land of the McCainanites without it being preceded by the adjective hate-filled.They are scared.They are upset.They are hurt.They are shocked that a black man who actually attended a black church might become President-- and worse, they are chagrined to find out that some black people just don't like them very much.Mangum, in Theological Forum writes:"The people I know has suspected that many blacks have had badfeelings for white folks now for decades as th
Hillary Clinton Attacks Barack Obama 2008-03-25 09:59:58 In a startling crescendo to an increasingly bitter campaign, HillaryClinton
physically attacked BarackObama
today, effectively ending what many believe will be their last televised debate. Offended by a remark from Mr. Obama concerning her recent misstatement about being under sniper fire in Bosnia, Senator Clinton left her lectern at Philadelphia's Freedom Hall and grabbed Senator Obama's ear."OK, Mr. Smarty Pants," said Hillary, "let's just march you outside for a time out.""Ow," said Mr. Obama. "Let me go."Ms. Clinton began to lead Mr. Obama by the ear toward an exit door when Secret Service Agents stepped in to stop the altercation."Get away from me, you idiots," demanded the former First Lady. "I'm coming through."The agents then stepped between the two and freed Mr. Obama's ear."T Read more:Hillary Clinton
John McCain Linked to Notorious Nazi POW Camp 2008-03-27 00:51:10 US intelligence officials revealed photographic evidence today that presidential hopeful John McCain
was once a prison guard at the notorious Stalag 13, a Nazi POW camp."We were taken aback by the evidence when the Mossad first transmitted it to us, but it looks like the real deal," said Robert Mauger, of the National Security Agency, "We are conducting tests on facial characteristics and measurements to make sure."The investigation was spurred by the realization of a former POW, John Kinchloe, that McCain appeared to be very close to knowing nothing."It just rang a bell in my head, and then I realized that McCain was none other than Sergeant Hans Schultz, who used to guard me when I was a prisoner in World War II. I always knew there was something weird about him. I called my buddies at Read more:Notorious
, John McCain
Hillary Clinton Rescued From Polygamist Compound 2008-04-10 03:36:20 FBI agents were surprised today to find presidential hopeful HillaryClinton
among the over 200 women who were rescued from captivity in a fundamentalist Latter Day Saints compound where they had been forced into marriage and other unspeakable acts."It was horrible," sobbed Ms. Clinton. "I was forced to do the dishes and listen to Tammy Wynette records. There were women there who have never read Sylvia Plath or eaten at Masa."FBI agent Ellsworth Mauger was the first to recognize the former first lady and was largely responsible for her rescue. "I saw her over in a corner working on a quilt with some other women and could hardly believe my eyes," said the agent. "There was something familiar about her and when she asked what the hell was taking so long, I realized who it was immediately." Read more:Hillary Clinton
Hillary Abducts Bill? 2008-04-12 22:47:43 Rumors flew today in the beltway that Hillary
Clinton aides Huma Abedin and Neera Tanden had bundled former President Bill Clinton into an unmarked vehicle and spirited him away, possibly to prevent him from talking about his wife in public and doing further damage to her campaign.The first word came from John Caudill, of Valparaiso, Indiana, who says he saw two women throw a blanket over Bill Clinton and throw him in the back of a black limousine."I was just walking down the street headed to the Waffle House to get that special they've been advertising on TV, when all of a sudden, Bill Clinton started racing me to the door," said Caudill. "I knew it was him because no one else has a nose like that. Then a black limo pulled up beside him and two women jumped out, threw a blanket over him,
Cheney Offers Home to Satan 2008-04-13 19:25:05 Vice President Dick Cheney
has a new house guest at Number One Observatory Circle. Lucifer, otherwise known as Satan
, Prince of Darkness, has moved in temporarily with the Vice President and his family."It is, hopefully, not a permanent situation," said the Vice President, "I"m just helping an old buddy out. With the climate changes going on, hell has frozen over, and he has no comfortable place to stay. I feel guilty about it. Maybe a few of our current policies led to the change, but you can't really tell.""Dick is really thoughtful to put me up like this," said Satan. "I remember how much fun we had flunking out of Yale together. Besides, he owes me big time for those five draft deferments I got him during the Viet Nam War."The association between Cheney and the Prince of Darkness h Read more:Offers
Hillary Clinton Channels John McCain 2008-04-17 01:00:55 An eerie incident during tonight's Democratic debate between HillaryClinton
and Barack Obama has mystics, psychics, and conspiracy theorists agog over Ms. Clinton's apparent possession by the spirit of John McCain
."It was about the weirdest thing I've ever seen-- I mean much weirder than than the WTC mysteriously falling in on itself, or even George Bush shape-shifting into a reptilian alien. When her face started changing into John McCain's, I almost peed my pants," said Norma the Space Psychic, who communicates telepathically with higher intelligences in Andromeda. "I mean it was downright spooky.""Only people who are attuned to the higher realms of akashic thought could see it," said Sonya Fitzpatrick, pet psychic. "I saw it and my cat, Ishtar IV, almost jumped through the TV. It was Read more:Hillary Clinton
Sykes Election Poll Released 2008-04-22 11:52:53 In a stunning reversal of political trends, the latest Sykes
poll has the Reverend Jeremiah Wright ahead of John McCain and Hillary Clinton if a national election was held today.Wright leads McCain by a significant 12% with a margin of error of plus or minus 4%. Ms. Clinton does slightly better with a 9% differential."If they want to run against me, I'm down with it." said the Reverend Wright. "If you mess with the bull, you get the horn."Wright led McCain among all demographic groups. White males over 30 with jobs and IQs over 70 showed a large 21% increase in support for the Chicago minister."I like the guy," said Leslie Seydel, an Iron Worker from Gary, Indiana. "If Wright says it's Easter, you'd best start coloring your eggs."Wright also led among black and Hispanic voters who would Read more:Election
Clinton, McCain, Obama Unveil MOTS Programs 2008-04-23 13:56:06 Maggie Williams, David Plouffe, and Rick Davis, managers, respectively, of the Clinton
, Obama
, and McCain
campaigns joined together today to announce that the American people want and deserve more of the same."Senator Clinton's More of the Same program is pretty much the same as the other candidates' MOTS programs, but different," said Ms. Williams. "If people want change, let them go out on street corners and beg for it. What they really want, and what they will get, will be more of the same.""The demographics speak for themselves," said Rick Davies. "Here at McCain headquarters, we've pored over election results, taken surveys, analyzed polls, and consulted with experts. There is no doubt about it. The only sure way to win the hearts of the American voter is with a well-constructed MOTS Read more:Programs
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