Owner: Mostly True Stories URL:http://www.padandpanty.blogspot.com Join Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:17:56 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Somewhat authentic tales from nursing school, labor and delivery, catering and the bathroom. Site statistics:Click here
Code Brown! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One of the really nice things about working on a labor and delivery unit is the minimal amount of ass-wiping you do as compared to, say, on a typical med/surg floor. Sure, a lot of women poop a little (even a lot) while they're pushing. But scooping up a little accidental turdlet when you're waiting for a baby is just not a huge inconvenience -- it has a totally different character than cleaning up a really sick patient who is regularly incontinent of bowel. One turd is happy, even celebratory -- a new beginning -- the first turd of the rest of your life. While the other is sad and bleak and often goes hand in hand with a permanent loss of independence. So I've been kind of surprised by the amount of shit I've been seeing lately. I'm not gonna go into any details...but if you have a patient who is still kooky from pain killers (and her own low level, pre-existing, in born kookiness) tell you that she cannot lift her butt up off of the bedpan (which, by the way is full in a m Read more:Brown
The Power of the Pussy 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Kenny and I were watching The Daily Show last night and somebody got called a pussy during one of those fake "on location" segments. I can't remember just now who did the calling and who was the actual pussy, but I do know that when used as an insult, pussy = weak. HAH. When someone gets called a prick or a dick, it signifies mean, rude, cruel, right? Not strong, necessarily, but certainly not weak. If you've ever been present during a vaginal birth, you know that whatever else might be true of the pussy, it ain't weak. It's strong, flexible, resilient. It takes care of business, but it also knows how to have a good time. Who started this strange bit of slang usage that equates the birth canal with frailty? (I'm guessing it was someone without a pussy.) As I'm writing this, I can predict my friend P squirming with discomfort. She doesn't care for the word pussy. She won't use it and she shudders when she hears it. (You know it's true, P!) But as strange as it is that
Trimming the Hedges 1970-01-01 00:59:59 When I switched from day shift to night shift last June, I was eager to make a good impression on my new coworkers. I have 10 blueberry bushes in my back yard that are of varying size and productivity. One of the oldest bushes was really producing a huge amount of berries everyday, and I had brought about a quart and a half of berries to work with me that first night. I thought that I could share them with the other nurses. After a couple of hours, I filled a bowl with the fresh berries and put it out at the nurses' station.Would anyone like some blueberries? I asked. They're from my bush.Complete silence for about thirty seconds. Thanks, what else have you got down there?This story illustrates a universal truth: Labor nurses will talk about your bush. But don't think you can find out here what we think and then gussy yourself up before you go into labor to avoid being talked about. Because we don't all agree. I think that the guiding principles of our bush styles, much l Read more:Trimming
, Hedges
(Not so) Wet Works 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Last night at work, it was all about the fluid: amniotic, urine, emesis, a forgotten chai latte...it was just a wet night.First of all, one of my fellow nurses, K, peed on herself. She says that she was squatting over the toilet and peed on the seat which resulted in some sort of complicated bouncing urine vector back up onto her scrubs. Whatever. Ok, K, what's the deal with the squatting? Are you afraid that you're going to catch coochie cooties from one of the rest of us? Just what are you trying to tell us? Am I the only one actually sitting down on the toilet?We got a call that a patient was on the way via ambulance. The triage nurse was having a very busy night. Everybody she touched pretty much gave birth within a half hour. So we were expecting another quickie delivery. So, imagine our surprise when the patient is smiling and resting comfortably on the stretcher as the paramedics roll her down the hall. D, the triage nurse goes in the room with her. About ten minut Read more:Works
Crapping in Cuernavaca 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The other morning at about 3 AM, I was admitting a Spanish speaking patient. She was in active labor, and hurting pretty bad, as you might imagine. I had some consents that needed to be signed. I asked the FOB (father of the baby)if they were married -- in Spanish. Spouses can sign for each other. Of course, a little bit, it IS very late, but we are ok, he responded. Hmmm. That didn't make a bit of sense. I wonder what I really asked him? Then I realized I had asked if they were tired instead of if they were married (the words are very similar). Another time, I'm pretty sure I told a woman, who was in the process of pushing her baby out, don't make a mess, instead of don't make noise. (The thinking behind not making noise is that when you expend energy screaming you are taking energy away from pushing.) Poor thing, that must have been kind of confusing. It's been obvious to me for a while that sharpening my Spanish skills would be a very good thing. So last winter, I took
New and Improved Vaginaromatherapy 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There are a lot of smells in labor and delivery. When I was in nursing school, our clinical professor for OB warned us before our first day in L&D: Make sure you eat breakfast, but not too much. And, for God's sake, if you think you might faint, get out of the room and go sit down somewhere. It's the smells more than the sights that'll get to you. Even the cleanest of women won't be "fresh" at the end of labor -- and believe me -- not everyone arrives at the hospital freshly bathed. Unfortunately, a parallel truth is that even the cleanest labor and delivery nurse will not be "fresh" after a busy 12-hour shift. We pick up smells and we generate a few of our own, too. So toward the end of my shift, I'm often trying to figure out if the origin of what I'm smelling is somewhere on my body, or if I've just got tiny vaginaromatherapy particles stuck in my nose.And don't think that this is just a nurse problem, because it can happen in other professions as well. Back in my ca
did you want the cottage cheese or the pate? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Med/surg exam this afternoon! It is twenty minutes before test time and I am approaching the computer lab where the test will be administered. I got up at 2:oo this morning to cram some more nursing facts into my brain. I've had so much coffee that I've gone beyond the caffeine buzz into a strange, tired jumpiness. I enter the ladies room (because I'm a lady). "How much time did you spend studying gynecological topics?" My friend, J, is in the next stall and, apparently, can identify me by the unique sound of the flow of my urine."Not so much," I reply. Our Med/surg instructor has informed us that gynecological topics will be covered in more depth in our OB class next semester. "I'm much more worried about the renal stuff than the twat stuff.""I can't keep all of the vaginal discharges straight, " J tells me. "And it just grosses me out when they get compared to food." This is too true. In the medical and nursing world, all vaginal discharges are identified by what food Read more:cottage
, cottage cheese
...as evidenced by: a story from nursing school 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Nursing diagnoses crack me up. They are composed of some of the least economic writing ever to find its way into print. A nursing diagnosis is the "it was a dark and stormy night" of the clinical world. Take, for instance, this ND (short, of course, for nursing diagnosis): Imbalanced nutrition: more than body requirements. That means fat! Big fat patient! Fat because he ate too much! Now it might be more sensitive and descriptive to say overweight or obese, this I will admit. But, imbalanced nutrition: more than body requirements?Nursing is a defensive, insular field. Nurses are particularly defensive of our position as professionals. And it is easy to see how that defensiveness came about. We are a profession dominated by women, often viewed by the public as assistants to doctors - and we do assist doctors at times! It is good and necessary that we continue to define ourselves as professionals. But these nursing diagnoses - they ARE funny. Too many words.After writing care pla Read more:story
Snakes on a Plane 1970-01-01 00:59:59 We had been sitting on the runway waiting to take off for more than three hours when the captain finally turned off the fasten-seat-belt sign. I pushed past the newspaper-snapping fat man in the aisle seat and made for the lavatory. It was 7 pm and, to put it delicately, my special time of the day. I needed to drop off the kids, make a deposit, vote for the governor, lay some cable, do my business, take a dump. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one with elimination on my mind. I was eighth in a line of just about everybody on the plane. I stood in line, trying not to too obviously do the "I need to poop right now dance." I was also somewhat worried that if I didn't get in to the lavatory soon, I would experience that strange phenomenon: losing the urge to go. I've never really understood how that happens, but it does. Hold it in for too long, and it decides to stay with you indefinitely. This would be very inconvenient, as I was planning on eating at some fine restaurants in Chicago Read more:Snakes
, Plane
Nice Necklace! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I bought this really cute bra and panty set at Target a couple of months ago. Usually, I am a strictly 100% cotton girl in the panty department, but I was in a "wouldn't it be cute to match?" mood, and so I bought these light blue nylon/lycra/petroleum product boy shorts that matched my new demi-cup light blue bra. I was planning on wearing them to work the next night. I'm a labor and delivery nurse and always wear the same light green scrubs. Socks and undergarments are my only opportunity to express myself through fashion at work.When I woke up in the afternoon, I discovered that my period had come early. New panties and the first day of a period are never a good combo, but I threw caution to the wind. I doubled up on security, though, by wearing one of those extra-long overnight pads. Early in the evening, I knew the panties were a mistake. As it turns out, I think you need a really flat stomach to wear stretchy boy shorts, because mine kept rolling down my belly like chea Read more:Necklace
Triage Hell 1970-01-01 00:59:59 When I started my job in labor and delivery (as a brand new graduate) my manager assured me that it would be at least two years before I had to work triage. Triage nurses generally have more patients than other nurses and often have to truly be the eyes and ears of a doctor who won't actually see the patient, but will make a decision regarding whether or not the patient is in labor based on the report of that triage nurse. When I was a senior nursing student, I spent a couple of shifts doing triage with my preceptor. Those shifts taught me that I was years away from being ready to do that particular task.One evening, C, my preceptor, sent me into a room by myself to put a triage patient on the monitor. The monitor, in L&D speak, is a set of two monitors, really. One is a small ultrasound that picks up the baby's heart rate. The other, called a TOCO, is a small disk a little bit smaller than a coaster. Both monitors are strapped around the patient's middle with a belt. The TO
Flowers 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I went into her room having already gotten the scoop from her previous nurse during report. She'd been married for years with two kids, one in elementary school, one in junior high. Labor was being induced @ 38 weeks because the baby looked (on ultrasound) like he might be a big guy. She was petite and pretty. Her husband had already gone home for the night to take care of the kids. But here's the kicker: Her husband was NOT the father of the baby. Not only that, but he knew! And whatever had happened before they came to us, they had made their peace with the situation. She had, after years of marriage, had a brief affair that resulted in this pregnancy -- which she discovered after the affair ended. She and her husband would raise the child, but the FOB (father of the baby) would be involved. Wow, how mature! I thought. These people were really dealing with this very difficult situation in a very constructive way. Then I met the rest of the family and the FOB. I won' Read more:Flowers
Fun with a speculum 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Sorry.It's been a few days since I posted. I worked 3 twelves in a row. And I've been feeling like hammered dog shit since. Also, I had great plans to tell an uplifting delivery story since mytime4tea let the cat out of the bag that I was actually scaring people. And I do have a few really feel-good tales. Maybe later. There are some great blogs out there by labor nurses and midwives if you need education or uplifting. Check them out. But then come back and have a laugh with me, ok?Amazingly, with the bad weather and the full moon, we weren't that busy for the last few nights. So we had time to play a game of Whose Line is it Anyway? with a clear plastic speculum at the nurse's station. Mainly this game consisted of singing into the speculum and answering the speculum: Labor and Delivery, may I help you? The winner was when T took it apart and did a pretend eye exam. Which is better, this one or this one? Like this or like that? Clearer here or here? The speculum also made an excel
Learning Curve 1970-01-01 00:59:59 As a new nurse, some things are harder to learn than others:Finding a female patient's urethra post partum (there can be a LOT going on down there.)Learning
how to do a vag exam (again, there can be more than you would think going on down there.)Snapping up those damned gowns (Ok, stop laughing at me and try to put one of those suckers on a patient fast.)Getting those chairs in the corner to turn into beds.Learning how to communicate effectively with all the different people you work with: Patients, doctors, other nurses, patient care techs, unit clerks...When I was in my basic skills class in nursing school, I suddenly realized one day that I had, at best, only a hazy idea of where my urethral opening was. And the next day we were practicing placing foley catheters in the lab. (Practicing in the lab is all but worthless -- we had special medical mannequins who had detachable genitalia made of super hard plastic...and yes, sometimes we did play catch with the penises. And even thou Read more:Curve
, Learning Curve
Pad and Panty my Ass 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I have been menstruating for 29 years. Isn't that enough? And you know what? I'm still not completely confident that I'm attaching my pad in the right direction. Well, I mean, it's not like it's in there sideways or anything...but you know how one end is always longer than the other? The adhesive is never exactly in the middle. Does the long end go to the front or the back? None of the brands include instructions that speak to this issue. Tampons have instructions, illustrated ones, if you can believe it. Are there people out there that buy them, but don't know where to put them? Or people who wouldn't understand the written instructions?...insert into the vagina...I wonder what that means....Oh, thank goodness! There's an illustration. I guess if I, a labor and delivery nurse, am unsure about how to place a pad in my underwear, then anything is possible. By the way -- the pads we use at work are perfectly symmetrical. Speaking of that tampon illustration, I'm pret Read more:Panty
Tales of Gary and Dick: Part One 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The catering world is full of good cooks who fell ass-backward into cooking while trying to do something else. I know this because I landed there for a number of years. Maybe there are people out there who intend to be caterers, people who strive toward the goal of preparing excellent food for drunken assholes and their guests in an unfamiliar environment. Anything is possible.When I fell into catering, I landed in the kitchen of a couple of old queens who had fallen there some years previously. They had started catering casually out of their kitchen. Over the years they had added employees, a kitchen facility, vehicles -- but unfortunately, the one thing they never acquired was even a passing acquaintance with how to run a business in a sound and sane manner. They were a couple. Let's call them, oh I don't know, Gary and Dick. Maybe they had been in love once. Maybe they had been happy. More likely, they had gotten trapped in the extended dance version of what should have been a bri Read more:Tales
Very superstitious... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Labor and delivery nurses are the most superstitious people I know. We don't like to go back to rooms where we have had bad outcomes. And there are certain things we never, ever say:Looks like a slow night.I hope we don't get anymore admissions tonight.Shoulder.I hope I don't get called in.I was at Target in December and saw a huge pair of green hoops. (Our scrubs are green) Had to have 'em for work. The first time I wore them, one of my laboring patients had to go to the OR for a section. The next time I wore them, the same thing happened. The third time? Again to the OR. I gave them one more chance. This time we had to, if not run, walk pretty fucking quickly to the OR for a post partum D&C. And it was scary. Bloody. It was the first time I had ever been really scared for a mom. She lost a lot of blood. The anesthesiologist was asking for meds I had never heard of...but it turned out fine for the patient. The earrings, however, were dropped in two separate garbage cans away from
A Party! A Party? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 These gals are hosting a blog party in March. (See the button on the right) Ok, it's not really a party, it's a method of blog promotion...but there will be prizes! But I would definitely BYOB. I am SUCH a sucker (obviously) for a new button for my blog.
Read more:Party
Check this out! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The Power of the Pussy has been included in the Penis Blog Carnival. Kinda ironic, huh? You can check out another blogger's post about elephant castration while you're there!
Read more:Check
Top Chef True Confession 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Is it time for Big Chef? Kenny asks me. He has a charming tendency to get the names of food related things just slightly wrong. Like the time he ordered Kalamazoo for dessert in our favorite Italian restaurant. Or when he ordered cojones instead of tostones in a Cuban one.I love Top Chef
. I'm not proud of it, this fondness for reality TV that I have, but I don't want to lie to you anymore. I'm no chef, but I have worked as a cook. Top Chef is great because (for a cook) it builds vicarious tension like a horror film. How will they ever make an amuse bouche in twenty minutes out of ingredients they must choose from a vending machine? But the real reason I love it is the personalities. Between the contestants, the three regular judges and the celebrity chef guest judges, pretty much every variety of asshole chef I've ever met is represented.So, of course, if you're going to talk Top Chef and you're going to talk asshole chef, then you've got to start with Marcel. I actually think M
You're on my Hair! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Last week Kenny brought home The Lonely Planet Spanish Phrasebook. This is one practical little book! In addition to phrases that will help you out in a hotel, restaurant or taxi, phrases for, um, more intimate situations are offered. The romance section reads as follows:Kiss me!I want you.I want to make love to you.Do you have a condom?Touch me here.Do you like this?I (don't) like that.I think we should stop now.Oh yeah!fasterharderslowersofterI can't get it up, sorry.Don't worry. I'll do it myself.You'll have to buy the phrasebook in the language of your choice to get the translations. We were perusing the phrasebook at the nurse's station last night and we thought up a couple phrases that must have gotten left out:What are you doing back there?Don't feel bad, it happens to lots of guys.You're on my hair.There are gems in other sections as well, such as: I have a prescription for that.Hey, why don't you go get fucked.Back at the nurses' station...Everyday we have scheduled
Leadershit 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Nursing school was a huge pain in the ass. Gigantic. It's a lot like standing in line at the DMV for four years. Did I learn a lot? Sure, I'm a good student. Was the whole experience user friendly? Uh....that would be no. In addition to the classes that made sense (in theory) like pharmacology, pathology, basic skills, we had to take classes like Leadership and Management in Nursing, Research, Concepts of Nursing, Foundations of Nursing, Public Policy. Now, given a good syllabus and a reasonable instructor, all of these classes could have been excellent. Unfortunately, we were provided with neither. Were these women good nurses? I have no doubt that they were excellent nurses, but they couldn't lecture for shit. The nursing program I attended was accelerated and designed for students who already held bachelor's degrees in other areas. It was brutal. My friends in law school had less reading. There were about 30 of us in the program and like all survivors, we grew clo
1/2000 of Nothing Much 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm a But thanks toI resemble aAnd I just feel dirty. Let me tell you how it happened. Once upon a time there was a nurse who liked to tell a story. And she really liked it when people laughed at her tales. One day, her friend Jane recommended that she read Julie and Julia. So she did. And after she read it, and after she thoroughly enjoyed it, she thought to herself: Hey! I could write my stories on a blog and then people I've never even met could laugh at me. So she did.However, almost no one she'd never met read her blog. Few people that she had met were reading it. Jane enjoyed it. Her mother read it. A couple of people who had googled "pussy," or "poop," or "panties feel nice" had read it. But this nurse had dreamed of much, much more. This nurse longed for a readership in the DOUBLE DIGITS!So she did some research and found this article. And even though she didn't understand how to do some of the stuff advised, she did join My Blog Log. And almost immediately Read more:Nothing
Father of the Baby 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Kenny and I were buying milk at the all night grocery store late the other night when it finally happened. I saw the husband of one of my patients. And he saw me. Was it the really generous dad who went out to dinner and brought back milkshakes for all the nurses? No. Was it the friendly Mexican dad who graciously acted like my Spanish was really good? No. Was it the nervous Nigerian dad who acted macho all night and then cried louder than the baby when he saw his first daughter? No.It was the kooky ADHD dad who came to the hospital in his Spiderman pajamas. It was the dad who interrupted me when I was helping his wife turn from one side to the other because the baby's heart rate was doing scary, funky things -- he interrupted me to ask if he would be able to hook up his video game to the television in postpartum (we had already put the kibosh on video games in labor and delivery.) It was the dad who continually demanded that we pay more attention to him than to his laboring wife.I sa Read more:Father
No Pre-Dental Care 1970-01-01 00:59:59 About a week and a half ago, I was running around with three other nurses admitting a young woman who had come in through the ED. She was fully dilated, no prenatal care, scared shitless, etc. Suddenly, something popped painfully in the back of my mouth. Exploring with my tongue, I discovered a little shard of tooth floating around in a pool of blood in the back of my mouth. My wisdom tooth (which I had known needed to come out -- after all, I'm in my forties) had broken in half! I found out at the dentist the next day that I had other issues as well -- including an infection. So the truth comes out...I'm the dental equivalent of a no prenatal care patient! On Monday, everything is getting fixed -- all the wisdom teeth out plus a couple of crowns, etc. Until then, I'm lounging around the house on my nights off popping antibiotics and vicodin instead of posting here. And even though I have the most complete dental insurance offered in my hospital's benefits package, only a s Read more:Dental Care
The Last Days of Disco 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My family moved to the Adams Morgan neighborhood of Washington, DC in 1981. Contrary to popular belief, disco wasn't completely dead in '81, although it was definitely ailing. Unfortunately, disco was alive and well in the apartment below ours -- usually at it's healthiest and most vibrant between 10 pm and 3 am.We lived in an old row house that had been converted in the cheapest manner possible into 3 apartments. The top two floors were one apartment that was kept by the landlord for when he was in town -- which was about 1 night every month or two. We lived in the ground floor apartment. The basement apartment was occupied by two men who wore a LOT of black leather. Not that there's anything wrong with that. All the windows were heavily barred. The basement apartment had a lockable iron gate that, when locked, made it impossible to knock on their front door.Our family moved around quite a bit. One of the places we had recently lived was Miami -- where we had had lots of
10 Signs That You May Not Be Going Natural 1970-01-01 00:59:59 You did not attend any prenatal classes.No offense, but what the fuck were you thinking? Information is good. I'm continually amazed by patients who do absolutely nothing to educate themselves about labor and delivery. They knew this baby was coming. They've painted the nursery and bought the furniture and clothes and diapers. Why haven't they prepared for the delivery? Why?You scream during the vag exam. Listen, the baby's head is a lot bigger than my two fingers. For that matter, I hope your husband's penis is too!I have to ask you to unclench during the vag exam because I can't actually get my fingers out.At least I know you've been doing your Kegels!You are alone, or the people who are with you do not support your desire to go natural.Going
natural is a group effort. This is something that you should have been planning with your husband/partner/support person for a long time. If you know your mother can't stand to see you in pain, maybe you shouldn't have her in t Read more:Natural
Post Op 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I had all my dental work done on Monday. It took six hours. I went to a sedation dentist. He gave me Valium to take the night before, then a stronger cousin of Valium to take an hour before my appointment. Then some gas. So I was conscious, but sedated and very agreeable and I don't remember much. I "woke up" about 10 minutes before the work was finished. And this is kind of embarrassing, but you know that feeling you have when you wake yourself up with a really loud fart? That's how I felt when I woke up. Part relief, part embarrassment, part, hey! what was that noise? And of course, part, ooh! What smells?Then somebody made me drink two juice boxes of something truly vile. I think it might have been fruit punch. It tasted like sugarcoated ass. Afterwards I was encouraged to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom was a vase filled with brightly-colored, individually wrapped toothbrushes. I remember admiring them while I peed. I don't, however, remember stealing half a
Me, a Name I Call Myself 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Valiens over at A Brain Like Mine tagged me to confess 10 odd and little known quirks o' mine. Let me just say that I'm taking a (most excellent) combination of demerol and phenergan for post-op pain and can't be held responsible for things I write, ok? And also, aren't I already giving out enough embarrassing info? Oh, well, here goes.1) I like to read social/political philosophy in the bathtub in the morning. 2) I can only understand Shakespeare if I read it out loud with a bad British accent.3)I have a worm farm in my kitchen. Eisenia Foetida, aka red wigglers. They eat my vegetable scraps and I use their castings (poopie) in my garden.4)I have a big crush on the Dog Whisperer.5)Some days, I don't believe in what I'm doing (at work). I feel like the world is overpopulated. 6)Other days I think I have the best job in the world.7)I used to be able to read and write Hellenistic Greek, but I've mostly forgotten now.8)I cook to relax.9)My husband and I make up songs that we i
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